2 Aspiring Authors

Row Your Own Boat…

2012-02-11T08:43:00.000-05:00

Years and years ago, I ran across a PBS special with Dr. Wayne Dyer, an internationally best-selling author of more than 30 motivational books. Something he said struck home with me, and it’s become my mantra of sorts.

He gave an interesting interpretation of the common poem, Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Now, whenever I’m stressing out, upset about someone telling me what I should be doing or what I’m doing wrong — or frustrated because others aren’t doing what I think they should be doing — I chant that poem to myself:

Row, row, row your boat — [Control your own actions instead of trying to control others]

Gently down the stream — [Take things as they come and don’t fret about what lies ahead]

Merrily, merrily, merrily — [Be happy with what you have]

Life is but a dream — [Life is too short; enjoy it while it lasts]

These lines have helped me through many frustrating encounters with family and friends alike. I know they all mean well, and they want the best for me. The problem lies in the fact that they really don’t know what’s best for me. They only know what they would want, if they were in my situation.

Repeating the poem to myself helps me acknowledge the simple fact that the only person I can control is myself and no one else.

And over the years, I’ve learned that that’s the toughest concept for most of us to accept and practice — to row our own boats.

For example, it’s so easy for us to see what’s going wrong in others' boats. We’ll even yell across the stream, just to point out what’s wrong with the way others are rowing their boats — i.e., living their lives.

In the meantime, we’re overlooking what’s happening in our own boats (i.e., lives). There’s water splashing in as we fight the currents and waves from other boats; we lose track of our oars (e.g., obligations, promises, and commitments to others), because we’re not paying attention to what we’re doing; we’ve forgotten to bring along our life jackets (e.g., family and friends who support us emotionally), because we were too much in a hurry to chase after some stranger downstream.

So, yeah… we’re a bit of a mess… but that doesn’t stop us from telling others what they’re doing wrong…

I should know better! Really, I should!

There are so many people in my life already telling me what to do, how I should do it, what I’ve been doing wrong, and what I will be doing wrong in the future… and I really don’t like it — not at all.

So, why do I think it’s acceptable for me to do it to others?

If I want the freedom to row my own boat, gently down the stream, merrily — without confrontation, criticism, or obstruction — I should accept and defend others’ rights to do the same with their own lives.

Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream

You Win Some, You Lose Some

2012-02-09T00:01:00.038-05:00

Do (or did) you have parents who chant(ed) Vince Lombardi's sayings to you?

“Winners never quit, and quitters never win.”

“If you can accept losing, you can't win.”

“Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser.”

I guess I should be embarrassed to admit that I’m a pretty good loser. I’m a quitter, too — and… you know what? I can live with these things about me. I’m OK with the facts that:

I’m bowing out of the hypocrisy that runs rampage at my office. Let those who enjoy winning that game play to their hearts content.
I’ve accepted the fact that I’m going to make mistakes in front of groups of people, which will reveal to them that I’m not perfect.
I openly admit my faults and apologize when I make a mistake and cause harm.
I’m a gracious loser when interacting with others, so they can enjoy their well-earned victories.
I’m trying to quit obsessing over things that I have no control to change.

It’s OK to let things go sometimes. By releasing some things, I’m working on strengthening my center and core — so I can keep myself grounded and well-balanced.

After all, you’ve got to choose your battles wisely, because…

“You win some, you lose some.”

Time to Move On

2012-02-05T07:28:00.001-05:00

I took off work early to go to the dentist.

What’s eventful about this dentist visit is that it would be my last visit with Dr. Bodo. He’s an 80-year-old man with a gentle touch, kind soul, and patient temperament — and he’ll be retiring from the profession in a couple of months.

I know it’s time for him to move on — but I don’t like it!

He’s been in practice for 56 years — longer than I’ve been alive. My mother first took me to him when I was too young to climb into his chair. As the years have gone by, I’m the one, now, taking my mother, and she’s having difficulty climbing into his chair…

It takes us more than an hour to drive to his office, and in all these years, we’ve never considered finding another dentist closer to home. Now, we’re forced to…

Yes, this is hard for us. It’s hard for him, too.

He tells me that he is sad to have to close up his practice. He’s not just closing a business; he’s saying goodbye to a part of himself. Many of his patients have been with him for so long that they have become like family to him.

But he has family of his own. He has kids and grandkids all over the country; so I was imagining his retirement would give his wife and him the freedom to visit family and friends… but this isn’t the case.

Instead, he’s retiring to take care of his ailing wife and disabled son.

There’s no time for traveling. There’s no time to enjoy the fruits of his labor. There’s no time to relax.

As I grab for the door for this last time, I’m struck with the realization that I will never, again, hear his warning to drive safely home, and see his warm smile, waving me on my way…

Yes, it’s very hard for me to say goodbye to this 80-year-old man with the gentle touch, kind soul, and patient temperament… knowing that I’m not going to be coming back... to him.

Never Saw That Coming

2012-02-01T00:01:00.030-05:00

Gosh! I can never guess what message will be received when I post these pieces. All that is certain is that the comments rarely go in the direction that I expect.

I posted the last journal entry to another social network website and got an interesting response from a gentleman.

His suggested solutions to elderly abuse was taxation on corporate temples and other religious organizations, recruiting and creating a TV ad campaign with AARP to run a "psych pathology" series for the elderly… and his “ending” comment was to wait or “encourage” the elderly to die off…

Wow! Honestly, I never saw that one coming!

I wasn't aware that I was talking about elderly abuse in the last piece, BUT... if we want to talk about abuse — whether it be elderly, child, wife, husband, workplace, etc.— I don’t see how more laws, taxation, dogma declarations, promotions, advertising, etc. will stop this. These things will only add to the judgment, self-righteousness, self-interest, and abuse that already exist.

My belief is that abuse will only stop when individuals stop asserting their needs or wants over others.

Abusive patterns will only end when we truly respect and honor each other as human beings.

There seems to be this drive and hunger in us to assert ourselves over everything around us, including people. There is this ingrained survival-of-the-fittest mentality in the human psyche that is carried over from our cave-dwelling days. Our culture still thrives on this facet of our humanness.

Ironically, in preserving the human race in this manner, we lose what makes us human. The very trait that has preserved our species has destroyed our humanity. In whatever form it takes, this survival-of-the-fittest theme prevents — if not totally destroys — the emotional survival of humanity.

It hinders the possibility of experiencing and cultivating quality relationships with friends and couples and within families and social groups. It stands in the way of the most fundamental and vital element of a relationship. It stands in the way of trust.

Simple put: How can we trust each other, if, as a society, we reward “the fittest” who steps over — or on — those who are seen as weak and vulnerable?

No, delegating the responsibility of curtailing abuse to a society that takes advantage of the vulnerable just doesn’t seem to be the answer. It’s as if I’m giving the self-righteous thief (in my dream) a key to our homes.

So, who’s left?

I’m back to my original thought: Abuse will only end when we truly respect and honor each other as human beings — no matter their age, their looks, their gender, their size, their nationality, their religion, etc.

.

The Self-Righteous Thief

2012-01-29T15:33:00.000-05:00

I had one of my funny little dreams…

The dream begins with two detectives searching through my house. I’m explaining to them that my cash, credit cards, identification, and jewelry have been stolen from me.

They ask me a series of questions and I answer them the best I can…

No, I wasn’t home at the time. Whoever broke in must have known there was plenty of time.

No. I have no idea why the thief would spread religious prayer cards and pamphlets all around my place.

No. That’s not my bible. Mine is on the bookshelf. The thief must have left that one, along with all the other religious paraphernalia.

No. I have no idea why the thief would paint religious symbols all over the outdoor screens, windows, and glass door.

Shaking their heads in disbelief, the detectives bag all the prayer cards and bible as evidence — highly doubting that they will find fingerprints on the items.

They continue to take photos of the thief’s religious artwork, especially of the cross painted right next to the screen that was slashed open and the door that was busted in.

One of the detectives points to the gaping hole in the screen and informs me that they believe that must be how the thief got in. [Yes, Mr. Detective, I would have to agree…]

And that’s when I woke up.

****

It is easy to figure out from where the “inspiration” for this dream comes.

It comes from a conversation I just had with my 86-year-old mother. I called to see how she was doing and found her very upset.

She had just been visited by two of her sister-in-laws.

I am sure that these two women meant well and were full of good intentions, but in their religious zealousness, they destroyed my mother’s self-worth, while heightening her guilt and anxieties.

Pray tell, how did they steal these precious things from her?

Ah… They did it by bringing over a number of prayer cards and pamphlets for my mother to read, digest, and recite now that she’s homebound.

"After all," they inform my mother, "there is no greater service to mankind than to pray for the salvation of the world; and the elderly and homebound are the ones who have the time to do it."

When she’s assaulted in this manner, Mom tries to push back as much as she can but the guilt that fuels such pious rhetoric is difficult to fend off.

How does one go about explaining that you don’t want to spend your days chanting prayers that hold no meaning to you? How do you go about explaining that you’re not motivated by words that create only guilt and unworthiness within you?

How do you explain these things to those who only hear their own self-righteous voice?

I consoled Mom the best I could by telling her that her sister-in-laws mean well, but they don’t realize that their way is not right for her. If chanting prayers all day gives them purpose and a reason to get up each morning, then that is great for them — but that doesn’t give them the right to inflict their beliefs on her. Just because they do those things do not make them “holier than thou.”

Mom: Yes it does!

Me: No, it doesn’t. They are only “holier than thou” because they are telling you that they are holier than you — and for no other reason than that.

Mom: Well, Beatrice goes to Daily Mass.

Me: And Beatrice is a very social person. With her husband passing away and her eight children being grown and out of the house, she finds going to Daily Mass a nice way of getting out, meeting her friends, and feeling useful.

Mom: Well, I guess so… but she sits under a tree with a rosary and prays a special pray for each of the 50 states… and…

Me: Mom, if those things give her purpose and meaning to her life, that great! I’m happy for her, but that doesn’t give her the right to force her beliefs and routines on you or anyone else. That doesn’t give her the right to judge you — or anyone else.

I thought I was making some headway, until Mom broke down in tears. After the tears started flowing, there was no stopping them.

So, that’s how my aunts were able to take my mother’s self-worth, while heightening her guilt and anxieties — with religious prayer cards, pamphlets, and painting pictures of the religious devotion and piety…

… much like the self-righteous thief in my dream.

Submit vs. Surrender — The Difference is Intent

2012-01-25T08:18:00.000-05:00

I ran into an acquaintance that I haven’t seen for about five years. I asked how she’s been doing and asked about her three daughters and her mom. Everyone was doing fine. The youngest is a senior; the other two were in college — one going abroad, etc.

I, then, complimented her on her short haircut — telling her that I really liked that cut on her. It looked very care-free and youthful on her.

She ran her hand over her hair, smiled, and nodded as she said, “Thanks! I got it cut when I separated from my husband. He wouldn’t let me cut my hair.”

Now, I know that most men like longer hair on women, but her choice of words was interesting.

She didn’t say, “I kept my hair longer for him, because he liked it longer.”

No, she said, “He wouldn’t let me cut my hair.”

“He wouldn’t let me” gives the impression of submitting to another's control — as if your will is being taken from you.

On the other hand, when you keep your hair long because your partner likes it long, it’s your choice to keep it long. You’re doing it because you like pleasing your partner. You’re surrendering your preference to his… but it’s still your choice. You’re giving to him. He’s not taking anything away from you.

The result is the same — longer hair — but the intent behind the gesture is completely different. It's the difference between feeling controlled by someone and caring for someone.

Not surprisingly, she kept smiling when she told me that things are better for her and for the girls — now that her husband and she are separated.

Yeah. The freedom behind that short haircut did wonders for her.

.

I’m Numb

2012-01-22T17:05:00.000-05:00

I’m numb.

For the past couple of years, I’ve been trying to contact a friend of mine. We were really close years and years ago, but she moved out of state, and we've lost touch.

Over the years, I’ve called her; but after another move, the phone number I had for her no longer worked.

Emailing her wasn’t an option, since she wasn’t comfortable with the computer and didn’t have an email address.

The letters and cards I sent in the later years started to come back with no forwarding address.

Knowing my friend’s hectic, constantly moving, and crazy life, I just assumed that she was happily busy with her family — and I, mentally, wished her well.

She’s such a beautiful person that I couldn’t wish her anything less. She’s another exceptional person I’ve had the privilege to know. Her loving spirit shines through every piece of her and brightens everyone and everything around her. She is totally devoted to her family and “her family” includes everyone she meets. Her presence makes such a difference to those she touches.

So, I can understand how we fell out of touch, and I am so grateful that our paths crossed for as long as it did.

Two years ago, some internal need made me resurrect my search for her again. I knew my friend wasn’t comfortable on the computer, but I thought, maybe, time had changed that and searching on Facebook was worth a shot. It would be one way that she can keep in contact with her family — and I thought, maybe, her daughters would have set up an account for her.

So, I took a shot. Unfortunately, my friend’s name is pretty common, and I had to develop a hit-and-miss strategy to my Facebook search. I thought I had found her and sent her a friend’s request… but got no response.

That didn’t stop me, though. Each time her birthday rolled around, I would reach out again and again… with no response.

This year, when her birthday came around, I reached out again…

Then it struck me. Her youngest daughter would be in her twenties now — and part of this Facebook generation. If I can find her, I can ask her to wish her mom a happy birthday for me. And that’s what I did.

Yesterday, the daughter messaged me back.

Her mom — my friend — was killed in a car accident, by a drunk driver… two years ago.

I'm numb.

When Being Right Isn't Nearly Enough

2012-01-19T00:01:00.014-05:00

There is no other way to put it. I hate going to work these days.

Everyone’s stressed because of the resident bully in the office. He’s free to run havoc in the division, making everyone miserable — but no one has the desire to change things. He’s been doing it for years and years, so everyone accepts it as “just the way things are.” Those tired of the treatment simply leave the company.

I go to my supervisor to complain about the situations the bully creates. She agrees with everything I say. She keeps telling me that I am right. I am right that it shouldn’t be this way. I am right that things should be different — but she tells me that nothing will change.

I take my complaints to my supervisor’s supervisor — the Vice President of the company. He also tells me that he agrees with me. He keeps telling me that I am right. He wishes things can be different, but there’s nothing he can do about the bully. He has no power to change things. And with that, he sends me out of his office.

Everywhere I turn, people are telling me that I’m right, but that’s not enough for me — not nearly enough.

Whenever the bully interacts with me, I push back. At once, he backs down and immediately runs to my supervisor. He tells her that he will no longer work with me because of my attitude. He will only deal with her.

Oh, dear! I’m so deeply wounded by this declaration of his! Instead of addressing me directly, he will use my supervisor as the go-between, forcing her to deal with the bully, instead of me. How can I live with such an arrangement?

Actually, this heavenly situation only lasts a couple of weeks at a time, and then he comes after me again. I push back, and the cycle repeats itself… over and over again.

Because the supervisor doesn’t like dealing with the fallouts of these encounters, I am told that, although I am right, it’s best not to confront the bully head on. She — and everyone else — makes excuses for the bully, allowing him to continue his reign of terror.

Because I am not moved to change my position, I am told that it’s best not to rock the boat. The bully can make things harder for me…

I’m confused. Exactly how can he make things harder for me? It’s not he who is allowing this to continue. He has no authority over me. He doesn’t evaluate me, doesn’t discipline me, and can’t fire me.

The only power he holds is the power others give him. If people would stand up together and say, “Enough is enough!” then the bully would lose his ability to intimidate the office.

But no one is willing to stand up. Management would rather support the negative environment, allow good employees to be harassed and disrespected, and force good employees to leave their employ… instead of taking positive steps to deal with the issue.

Yeah, everyone’s telling me that I’m right, but that’s not enough — not nearly enough…

Sleepless Nights

2012-01-16T00:01:00.021-05:00

I’m in one of my introspective moods, tonight — and I’m very tired.

I’ve been having a series of dreams these last couple of days, which have left me troubled. The dreams deal with feelings of loss and brokenness.

One was about a chef preparing a fabulous meal for us. It was delicious to those she served it to, but it wasn’t to her liking. Because of that, she became upset and angry. During her tantrum, she threw away all her pots and pans and gave up cooking. She gave up her life-long pursuit, because that one meal wasn’t perfect… in her eyes.

Another one dealt with me breaking my eye glasses — at the bridge of the nose. I tried fixing the bridge with superglue, but I just managed to super-glue my fingers together instead, and the glue on the bridge of the nose irritated my eyes to tears…

The dream that started all this dealt with a friend with whom I’ve lost touch. She’s as creative, intelligent, and confident as she is volatile — and her life has been very difficult because of these traits. She cannot cultivate close friendships because of her strong and erratic mood swings. When she's in those moods, she simply pushes everyone away.

It’s been about six years, now, since she’s cut off contact with me. I’ve tried calling her and have sent letters, emails, birthday wishes, and Facebook invitations to reconnect, but she hasn’t wanted to reconnect—and I have to respect her wishes.

This is one of the most difficult aspects of caring for others — respecting their freedom and independence, while dealing with the emotional connection that draws you into their pain.

I have to admit, my life has been more stable without her in it. I’m not looking to opening myself up to the hurt that comes along with her friendship, and I wish I could leave well enough alone.

And I would, if it wasn’t for these dreams…

The dream that started it all was about her. In the dream, she was at some social event. Something disturbed her, and she became very upset and angry. She started throwing things and yelling. No one could reach her to calm her down, so she continued to spiral out of control. She threw things and disrupted the whole evening for everyone.

I know it sounds weird to most people, but the last time I ignored something like this, I learned later that the person I was thinking about had committed suicide. No one could reach her, either…

I don’t want that to happen again. I don’t want to learn later that I should have reached out when I had the chance.

So, the dilemma — how do I not intrude, if all is fine with her and she doesn’t want to reconnect with me — but still be able to sleep at night, without the fear that I didn’t reach out when I should have?

How do I mend the bridge without getting stuck — like in the dream about my broken glasses and the superglue?

After a couple of sleepless nights, I’ve decided to send a simple “thinking of you” note to her mother — figuring that reaching out to the family, as a whole, would be a safer way of connecting… while respecting my friend’s wishes.

At this point, I think that is all I can do and hope that it’s enough.

The Backlash

2012-01-12T00:01:00.030-05:00

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you would have run into a number of posts stressing the need to accept responsibility for your actions while, at the same time, allowing others to accept the consequences of their own actions.

Well, a friend of mine is beginning to do that with her 20-something-year-old daughter. She’s stepping away and taking back her life — allowing her daughter to take ownership of her own life.

This move, on my friend’s part, is very hard for her… and her daughter.

Cassandra, my friend, wants to be a supportive and loving mother. In fulfilling this need of hers, she has given her daughter all that she has — bailing the daughter out of one mess after another.

Looking back over her life, she realizes that, while she has given up everything for her daughter, her sacrifices have gone unnoticed. Now, she finds herself financially strapped and emotionally drained.

The daughter is in no better shape. Over the years, the daughter has developed an attitude of “entitlement” that was once only reserved for royalty. The daughter has been taught to expect her mother to fulfill her every need, without question or appreciation. The daughter has never had to accept responsibility for her own actions, nor deal with the consequences that result from those actions. Her mother always stepped in to shield her from herself.

Both individuals in this story are searching for their own identities. Both are struggling to stand on their own… crying out to be seen and heard — to be loved for who they are…

Cassandra wants things to change for her daughter and for herself. For this to happen, she has started to step away from situations — allowing the daughter to step up and take ownership of her own life.

Once Cassandra starts to step away, the backlash begins. It's a strong wave of reality crashing down on the daughter.

This is painful for both of them.

The daughter is hit so hard that it throws her off-balance. In response, she does the only thing she knows to get her footing back. She blames her mother for her situation. She gives the mother the icy stares and the cold, silent treatment — shutting the mother out of her life — waiting for the mother to break down and fix things…

Cassandra is struggling with her decision. Was it the right thing to do? Was it the right time to do it?

Oh, if only she could turn back the hands of time and start all over again, but she can’t. She can only go forward…

Will her daughter ever understand why her mother did this?

Will Cassandra be strong enough to see this through?

You’ve Heard it All Before…

2012-01-09T00:01:00.011-05:00

Here’s a quick update on our publishing pursuits: I’m back to waiting… waiting… waiting.

Yes, there was a lot of activity over the push to get the book published in time for Katherine’s debut with her other partner’s plan for regular workshops and presentations.

We even met with another friend of Katherine’s — a graphic designer and illustrator. We intended to hire him to create our book cover for us, but after our meeting, he not only wanted to do the book cover, but he wanted to do the interior design as well.

Part of me was excited, while the other part was… disappointed. I’ve been working sooooo hard on the interior look of the book. I had put so much of myself into the page layouts and such… and now none of that will matter. All my hard work will be discarded…all for naught.

It's not that I don't trust him with the project. I absolutely DO trust him to make the book the best that it can be.

It's just that... now my writing project is in the hands of others. The graphic designer is going to take over the look of the book, and I'm still waiting for Katherine to finish reading through the final draft…

So, there’s nothing more that I can do but wait… wait… wait...

I REALLY HATE WAITING!!!

Angry Eye

2012-01-08T18:51:00.001-05:00

Someone introduced this video to me. I thought it was eye opening and wanted to share it with you.

I hope you take the time to watch it all the way through. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPtzS7-H7J4&feature=share)

No Longer My Problem

2012-01-05T00:01:00.022-05:00

I know I’m contradicting myself in this post, but I can’t help it.

I have a problem. I am human. I don’t have endless patience. I am not a saint… and striving for sainthood is over-rated, in my humble opinion.

I simply want to be able to enjoy myself. I want to smile and laugh my way through life. I want to be free from irritation and frustration. I want to be happy.

I want my time in the choir to be pleasant. I want the annoying, unpleasant, opinionated, know-it-all singer who bellows off-key directly into my ear, to sit next to someone else — anyone else — but me.

I don’t see why such a request is unreasonable. There are a dozen people in the choir, so why does she always end up by me?

The answer to that question is simple. No one else wants to sit by her either, and the group is using me as a buffer for the rest of them — and I no longer want to be used (and abused) in this manner. I no longer want to be the sacrificial lamb for the group.

I am not a saint… and am seriously rethinking “being Christian.”

I guess I would be more accepting if this person realized how her behavior affected others around her and was willing to modify her mannerisms to fit in better.

Sadly, she doesn’t. She thinks everyone else around her is singing off-key, so she continues to direct and correct those around her… so they can sing more like her. She inserts herself in every conversation and situation. She feels that she is the savior of the group. We can’t possibly manage without her…

I know I can’t change her. I can only change myself… and I see myself changing. I’m changing into a person I do not like.

I see that these encounters with her are unhealthy for me. I don’t like the person I become when this other person is around me. The only way not to turn into “the person I don’t want to become” is to distance myself from this other person.

I will have to leave the group, if things continue the way they are.

This is a problem for me because music and singing mean a lot to me. It brings me solace, peace, comfort, and joy — but these precious gifts are being taken from me on a weekly basis, because of my encounters with this other person.

Even now, as I write about her, I feel my muscles tightening. I feel the stress taking hold of me. I have to force myself to take deep breaths to relax. My increased heart rate reveals how I’m struggling with this.

I don’t like these feelings. To keep these feelings at bay, I will need to distance myself from this person.

Since Katherine is our choir director, I’ve told her the issues that this person creates within the choir and within me.

Katherine kindly reminds me that “the problem” belongs to the person who is bothered by the situation.

I had to stop and think about this. What I thought was a choir problem — and, thus, the choir director’s problem — is not. Katherine is not “bothered” by this person, because Katherine has distanced herself from the issue.

The other choir members aren’t bothered, because they are using me as their buffer... and the off-key singer is oblivious of everything.

I guess this is my problem, since I am the one bothered by it. I’m the one dealing with the negative affects of this annoying, unpleasant, opinionated, know-it-all singer who bellows off-key directly into my ear.

How do I solve such a problem? I’ve already identified that I have to remove myself from her presence, so that’s what I’ve been doing.

Whenever she enters a room, I exit it. Whenever she tries to sit by me, I get up and sit in a different row. Whenever other choir members orchestrate themselves to distance themselves, I remove myself from their configuration.

My actions are not going unnoticed. The other choir members are getting upset with me. They come to me complaining about my behavior. They are upset that I’m leaving them to deal with this annoying, unpleasant, opinionated, know-it-all singer who bellows off-key directly into their ears.

All I can do is comfort them with a consoling hug, because I will no longer place myself in harm’s way for them. I rather sit in the last row of the choir area than to continue in an unhealthy relationship with this person. I rather quit the choir than turn into a person I do not like…

I’ve warned Katherine not to place me by this other person, and she rationalizes that “someone” is going to have to sit by that person. Someone is going to become upset with Katherine’s decision.

This is true, but it’s not going to be me, because…

This is no longer my problem.

Share Your Light

2011-12-31T22:00:00.001-05:00

I got one of those annoying update notices from a business network website. It was telling me who changed their profile, who’s linking up with whom, who wanted me to join their network, etc.

Because I don’t have much contact with these individuals, I usually just delete the emails without opening them, but for some reason, I opened this one.

In the email, one of my old high school acquaintances looked back at me. She looked like she was on a sailboat, having fun. The picture made me happy for her, so I looked down at her recent post.

It was a post that took my breath away. The post was actually a memorial to her. It stated that:

She was an intelligent and courageous woman. She had the courage of trying to reach for her dream of running a successful assisted-living facility. Her dream was bigger than reality could allow. Sadly, when she recognized this, she was unable to cope with it, and she took her own life on October 19, 2010. She will always be remembered for her loving, joyous, and bubbly personality.

Even though this happened in 2010 and we're embarking on 2012, I sit here numb… and wishing that I had done something more than I had.

If I had done something, would she have made a different decision?

You see… about two years ago, she found me on this business network website and invited me to join her on this network and on Facebook. She said that we had gone to high school together and were the best of friends back then. Even though she was in Texas and I was in Florida, she wanted to reconnect.

I couldn’t remember her as well as she remembered me, but I accepted her invitations, nonetheless.

Soon after that, she called me. She recounted scenes from high school like they were yesterday. She’d rattle off names from the past and revealed her mission to reconnect with all her close high school friends. Those years were the happiest times for her. Her goal was to resurrect those connections.

In this first contact, she was so happy, bubbly, and full of energy that she spooked me a bit. I remember mentioning the phone conversation to Katherine, commenting on the intensity of her need for connection — and how sad it was that she was having to reach out thousands of miles away and to years gone by — to the high school years — to find the connections she was thirsting for…

She called me a couple of times after that — and we’d spend hours together over the phone. In those calls, she told me of her failing business and how that was negatively affecting her marriage... but she’d always end our conversations saying how much I made her feel better… how I made her laugh… She was always upbeat and excited when we hung up.

This makes me wonder: If I had called her more, would things be different?

It’s a sobering reminder for the New Year: We don’t realize how important our presence is to another human being. We don’t realize how, even as strangers, we can reach out to others — through an understanding smile, an encouraging compliment, a phone conversation, a simple FaceBook post. We can share our light with others, even if it’s only for a brief moment.

We don’t know what others are going through in their lives. We don’t know what battles are being lost or what struggles are being managed.

We only know that our actions affect others. If we could use the power held in the gifts of focused attention and positive connections more, we could abolish a host of negative and draining emotions that live within others and us.

Just as the absence of light sustains darkness, the absence of relationships highlights the necessity of them. Loneliness and despair grow in the dark abyss of one’s soul when the light of human contact is absent. By reaching out to another and openly sharing ourselves (i.e., our “inner light” or our energy) — even in the smallest of ways — we can dispel the darkness in another human being — if only for that brief moment — and it only takes a moment to affect someone’s inner light.

.

Darn it! I Can’t Focus!

2011-12-29T00:01:00.028-05:00

I’m trying to go through Dare to Be Contagious! yet another time, to catch more typos and grammatical errors. I’m trying to clarify things here and there, while inserting artistic nuances I know no one (but me) will see…

Like I said, I’m trying to do all this, but I’m not being very successful at it.

My mind is too distracted with the news Katherine brought me the other night.

As I understand it, she has connected with a couple of new friends, who are wanting to start up regular workshops and presentations. They are successful in their business. They simply want to expand their reach and want Katherine to be a part of their ensemble. They want to start locally but plan to go national within the year.

They already have an audience base; they have the venue and a meeting/presentation hall. They have an ambitious seminar schedule with various professional groups. They are familiar with the business-side of things. They will handle all the tedious stuff Katherine doesn’t want to deal with… and they want her to join them! They have the financial backing for all of this. They just want HER!

She’s excited because they are offering her everything she wants to do and nothing she doesn’t want to do. FABULOUS!!!

Oh… and did I mention that they asked her if she had some written material that they could push through these workshops… and that they were overjoyed to learn about our book that happens to fit right into their theme — the human connection and connecting with each other?

And did I mention that Katherine mentioned her co-author, and their reply was something like: Bring her in. The more the merrier!

Now, all we need to do is get the %#$@* book finished, printed, produced, and on hand for these workshops that will probably start in a couple of months.

So, yeah… I’m really excited — in both a good and bad way. I have to get the book as perfect as we can and get it self-published and printed in a short period of time.

I’ve never self-published before, so all of this is new, and I don’t have the luxury of screwing things up and starting over. I need to figure out the interior design, get help with the book cover design, deal with the uploading specifications, setting up the account, ordering and reviewing proofs… and the list goes on…

It feels like I’ve just jumped feet first into an ice-cold pool of water.

Yes, Father Time has pulled a fast one on me. All that whining about waiting… waiting… waiting… has come back to bite me in the butt…

Waiting for someone else is no longer the issue…

The problem now is… I can’t focus on the job at hand and everything I need to get done, because I’m too excited about what the future holds for us…

And what a FABULOUS problem to have!!!

Listen to That Little Voice Inside…

2011-12-26T00:01:00.026-05:00

I cross paths with an acquaintance at work. We’re not particularly close, but we’re friendly when we pass each other in the halls. We exchange hellos and goodbyes, but that’s the extent of our conversations. A nod and a wave… and that’s about it.

Yesterday, we followed our same ritual, but a little voice inside me told me to look deeper into Pam’s face — so I did.

I didn’t notice anything different. She smiled and nodded her hello and goodbye as usual.

Today, Pam walked pass my opened door. That little voice inside me told me to follow her back to her office and check on her — so I did.

I knocked on her closed door. She called for me to come in, smiled when she saw me, and waited for me to tell her why was I there…

I wasn’t sure exactly what to say. Why was I there?

All I could say was that I wanted to come by and check on her… I just wanted to make sure she was alright.

She stopped for a second, deciding how to answer. Then she began to tell me of her current struggles — at work, at home, with her ex, and with her kids — and how she felt so all alone… bottling everything in… pretending how everything was fine…

I couldn’t change her circumstance. I couldn’t change her ex-husband or her kids. I couldn’t relieve her from her struggles.

All I could do was listen… but that was enough.

Talking it all out helped her put things in perspective. Having a sounding board helped her organize her thoughts. Simply giving her my attention and listening helped.

Listening helped.

It helps…

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-24T18:37:00.002-05:00

May the innocence that tickles children’s cheeks as they wake up on Christmas morning add to the wonderment of the season.

Share in the abandonment in which they rush to the tree, gasp at all the gifts, and realize — with no doubt in their hearts or minds — that they are loved, they are special, and they are never alone.

Trying to Regain Some Sense of Control

2011-12-22T00:01:00.010-05:00

Katherine and I have decided not to wait on this publisher, or any other publisher.

We’re going to keep moving forward. We’ve been making revisions to the book, testing different formats for the interior design, talking about who we want to help us with the cover, etc.

If the publisher does get back with us and wants to work with us, that’s fine… but we’re not holding our breath, nor putting all our eggs in that basket.

We can self-publish a book very economically through CreateSpace, so we figure… What do we have to lose?

Yes, I’m aware of all the complaints, scams, and horror stories about self-publishers. My head is spinning from them.

Yes, we’re definitely taking a gamble — no matter which path we take — but, like any smart gambler, if we limit the amount of money we’re willing to lose, we’ll limit our losses.

And I figure that this is all part of the adventure. The more we learn about the publishing process, the better off we’ll be… whether we go through a traditional publisher or self-publish.

Just When I Started to Have Some Sense of Control…

2011-12-19T00:01:00.015-05:00

Really!! Come on! You’ve got to be kidding me!!!

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been making myself crazy by researching self-publishing companies and comparing rotten apples to green oranges…

It was just two days ago, when I figured out which self-publishing path I felt most comfortable with. All of them had their advantages and disadvantages, but the one I picked gave us more control and more royalties, with less expense on our part. Yes, it meant more work on my end, but I was OK with that.

So, now I’ve been in the experimenting mode — formatting the book on my own, researching how to create ebooks, book covers, etc. The more I do, the less it will cost to produce the book and more we can spend on promotion and marketing… at least that’s the plan.

I’m feeling better about things because I feel that we are moving again… moving down the path of being published. I’m no longer in a holding pattern. I’m no longer waiting… waiting… waiting…

I feel more in control of things! Yea!!!!

And tonight — as I’m researching and learning all about copyright registration and Library of Congress cataloging — up pops an email from the California independent publisher — the publisher that asked us to revamped the book to fit their marketing niche.

And we did just that. We revamped the whole book for them. I resubmitted it to them months ago, with several follow-up emails to make sure they received the new rewrites. When I didn’t hear back from them, I simply assumed they weren’t interested in the rewrite, and I simply moved on.

Turns out, the person I was working with at that publishing house recently left that publisher, and a new person has taken her place. This woman hasn’t had a chance to look at our material yet, but wanted to assure me that they did receive it.

Great! Now what do we do?

Do we put our self-publishing plans on hold, until this “real” publisher gets back to us?

Everything that I’ve been researching, experimenting, and teaching myself would be… well, taken care of by the publisher. The book would become their property and our royalties would be less, but…

A “real” publisher can get us into bookstores and libraries and open doors to promotional events that would be closed to self-publishers. Our book would be more eligible to be cataloged in the Library of Congress, which makes us easier to find. [I learned that on-demand and self-published works are out of the scope for the Cataloging in Publication (CIP) program for the Library of Congress.]

We also wouldn’t carry the “stigma” of the “vanity press” label that self-publishers have to deal with…

All this only happens if a publisher takes us on —and this new acquisitions editor still hasn’t looked at our new book proposal and revamped book. She may pass on it as well.

So, what does all this mean? It means I’m back waiting… waiting… waiting…

Waiting for her to either work with us or send us another “encouraging letter of hope.”

And all this happens just as I start to have some sense of control…

Really!! Come on! You’ve got to be kidding me!!!

Why Do You Lie to Me?

2011-12-15T00:01:00.026-05:00

Conversation between Person 1 & Person 2

Why do you always lie to me?
                                                                                Because YOU lie to me!

I only lie to you because I can’t trust YOU!

What are you saying?!   YOU wouldn’t know the TRUTH if it was standing in front of you!

That’s only because we’ve been lying to each other for so long… and I want it to end.

What are you saying? You want to end this?

Yes.

So... you want to break up?!

No, I don’t WANT that to happen. I just want us to end the lying between us.

What are you saying?

I’m saying our life together is built on lies, and I want to stop the lying.

But… what if the lies are all that’s keeping us together?

Then, let’s be truthful about that.

But, I’m afraid of the truth. I’m afraid of showing you who I really am, what I really think, how I really feel. I’m afraid of being rejected. I don’t want to be hurt, so I lie to protect myself.

I do the same thing.

So... what are we saying?

We're saying… let’s stop being afraid.

.

Different Strokes for Different Folks

2011-12-11T16:38:00.003-05:00

I picked up another book on relationships, titled "Dear Lover: A woman’s guide to men, sex, and love’s deepest bliss." This is a very intimate book by David Deida. I hesitate to recommend it because you’d need to be at a certain level to appreciate his perspective. You’d have to be open to surrendering yourself to his energy and trust he’ll take you where you yearn to be…

Katherine suggested the book, and since I trust her judgment — and since she DID use the words “must read it” — I picked up a copy from Amazon.

While I was there, I checked out the reviews on this and on his other books. Most were positive, but there was one that was… well, here’s just a portion of it:

“It's difficult to write what I feel about this book. I read as much of it as I could stomach and then threw it into the trash in the hope no one would ever find it. This man, the author, is either terminally misled or has an ego the size of the universe. He knows how women feel? Excuse me? When was he a woman? I pity the poor woman who reads this and accepts it hook, line, and sinker. He is so off base as to be laughable, if I didn't worry that some women would actually take him seriously.”

So, just from the few reviews I scanned, I’m sure that the book will hit a core with most people. Whether, it resonates with you in a positive or negative way, I can’t guess — but I’m enjoying the book.

I actually started reading it while waiting in a car repair shop — and yes, I’m still dealing with the same car issue, but this time I’ve gone to a DIFFERENT repair shop. Wish me good luck with this go-around…

Anyway… back to the book. It was interesting reading such an intimate book in this masculine-filled setting.

Picture this: It’s 7:00 in the morning. The sun has barely broken through the morning’s fog. I walk into the repair shop, carrying with me a book titled Dear Lover. The manager checks me in, I surrender my keys and car to him, and I sit down to wait… and wait… and wait.

I open Deida’s book and scanned through the Forward and Introduction. Normally, I wouldn’t have even read those sections, but since Katherine had suggested the book, I thought I had better read those pages, too…

It wasn’t until I got to the first chapter that I started feeling the intimate power of the book — and the fact that I was sitting in the environment surrounded by men was a bit unnerving…

Because of the activity around me, I couldn’t just let Deida’s words pour over me. Instead, I kept flowing back and forth between David’s spiritual place he was taking me to and this physical place I was tied to — this waiting room filled with strangers’ voices and sounds of banging of metal, clicking of computer keys, and jangling of car keys…

What was really interesting was, as I drifted in and out of these two worlds, I carried a bit if each to the other, and the men in the room responded. The two guys behind the counter couldn’t have been more attentive to me, if they had tired!

The guy in the waiting room started up a conversation with me. It started with our concerns about our respective car problems and transformed into a discussion about appreciation for integrity and trust. He shared his hopes and dreams for his two teenagers…

Before we knew it, his car was fixed and mine… well, wasn’t. My car needed a part that needed to be ordered, but instead of having me wait 5 hours for the part to show up (like the other place did), one of the mechanics offered to drive me home. They also made sure I had a way back…

As I waited for my ride, the “waiting-room gentleman” was waiting for his car to come out of the garage. We stood in the parking lot together, wrapping up our previous conservation, preparing for our goodbyes.

It sounds weird, but I was sad to leave. It felt like I was saying goodbye to a friend — one who I will not be seeing again…

In that brief time together, we never exchanged names… just our “selves.”

The Self-Publishing Maze

2011-12-07T12:16:00.000-05:00

I haven’t anything new to share with you regarding the publishing side of things. I’m still waiting… and waiting… and waiting.

Because of that, I’m a little apprehensive that I might run out of things to write about in this blog, so forgive me if some of the posts become off topic… well, more off topic than they already are.

Since we’ve decided to look into the self-publishing arena for our first book, I’ve been comparing various self-publishing companies. Trying to compare these companies with their array of packages, options, and prices is like comparing rotten apples to green oranges. The various printing costs and royalties are just as confusing. Add too all of this, the complaints and “scam alerts” listed for each one of these.

BOY! There are some very angry and unhappy authors out there, let me tell you!

Where’s My Royalty Check?!

The biggest complaint that is shared by all of them is the authors are not getting their royalty payments quick enough, nor is the royalty check big enough. The authors feel that they have sold more books than they are being credited for; therefore, the companies are scamming them out of their money.

This is where you really need to read the contracts and understand what you’re getting into when going with a self-publishing press. Many state in their contracts that you need to make a certain amount of money before the funds are directly deposited into your account. If you choose the funds to be mailed to you instead, then a fee for that process will be charged.

It’s understandable that the self-publishing companies support their own distribution channel and give higher royalty percentages to books sold through their company, as oppose to sold through external distribution channels (such as bookstores, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc.). They’ll give you 50% royalties on books sold within their channel, but knock the royalty percentage down to 10%-12% for books sold through an external distribution channel.

Also, realize that your royalty percentage could be based on the net sales of the book (i.e., book price minus printing costs minus whatever discount (36%- 55% discount) the publisher gave bookstore distributors to sell your book) — instead of percentage of retail price less discount to distributors.

When you deal with Amazon’s CreateSpace, also realize that they only pay you the first time your book is sold. If the book is returned, refunded, and then resold, even though it may look like you sold two books, you really only sold one book.

There Must Be More Sales!

Another shared complaint is that if an author’s book is being distributed through thousands of distribution channels, as the self-publishing company claims, then there should be more sales of my book!

This phenomenon is similar to a falling tree in the forest… if the book is out there but no one knows that it’s there… does it ever get read?

It’s hard for authors to realize but a book just doesn’t get sold on its own. People have to know it’s out there, and they have to want to buy it. There has to be marketing and promoting done for the book to get people interested in the book. In the self-publishing world, this duty falls on the author’s shoulders.

Another thing: A lot of times, books are simply overpriced. To get a respectable return on the book, authors may push the retail price of their books higher than the market will accept. Unfortunately, once a book is printed with a retail price, the retail price is set. There's no changing it. The only way to lower the price is through giving more discounts... which lowers the author's royalty amount even more.

Also, with the new technology of the e-book options, many are no longer purchasing paperback or hardcover books. E-books are cheaper. The cheaper the price, the less the royalty check will be.

And there is another — more sensitive — reason that the book is not selling. Just because a book is printed and out there, that doesn’t mean there’s an audience for that particular book.

So, What Are We Going to Do?

To sum it all up… by the end of my research, I’m as confused and lost as I was before I started.

So, I’m still trying to sort things out. First, we have to sit down and determine what our main distribution plan is to be. That will narrow the field for us.

From there… who knows? Because I surely don’t!

.

If It’s Such Good Advice, Why Not Follow It?

2011-12-04T18:37:00.000-05:00

I’m awakened by the piercing ring of my phone. I roll over, planning to let the answering machine deal with the caller, until I hear my friend’s upset voice being recorded.

I stumble to the phone and manage to pick it up before she slips away in the shadows of my sleepy haze.

Rachel is unnerved. She finds herself in the middle of a very volatile and emotional situation. Before she acts upon her instincts, she wants to pass the plan by me — her logical, objective, and stable friend, who always gives her good advice.

She gives me the background of her situation, describes her dilemma, and outlines her plan of attack. Once she blurts everything out, she asks what I think of her plan.

I try to calm her down, so she can clearly understand what I’m about to say. I tell her that, if I were in her situation, I wouldn’t do what she’s planning to do. I foresee that her current course of action would create more problems than solve them. Instead, I would do ‘such-and-such’.

She listens, understands the reasoning, and agrees that her plan of action would aggravate the situation. She thanks me for my advice and hangs up.

Thirty minutes later, the phone rings again. It’s Rachel… in tears. She admits that I was right. She should have followed my advice, but she went with her plan, instead. Doing it her way did, indeed, make things worse.

Rachel: “Now, what do I do? I’m thinking of going to him and doing ‘this-and-that.’”

Me: “No, I wouldn’t do ‘this-and-that’ if I were you. I would do ‘such-and-such’ instead. Neither of you are in the right emotional state to deal with this rationally at this time. If you continue on this path of yours, you’ll make it even worse.”

Rachel: “You’re right, of course. You’ve given me great advice. Let me hang up with you and do what you suggest.”

An hour later, the phone rings again. It’s Rachel… in tears. She, once again, admits that I was right. She should have followed my advice, but she went with her plan, instead. Doing it her way did, indeed, make things much worse.

Rachel: “Now, what do I do? I’m thinking of going back and doing ‘this-and-that.’”

Me: “No, I wouldn’t do ‘this-and that’ if I were you. I would disengage at this point. You need to step back and let things settle down. Don’t do anything more to agitate the situation. Neither of you are in the right emotional state to deal with this rationally at this time. If you continue on this path of yours, you’ll make it even worse.”

Rachel: “Yes, but I can’t just sit here and do nothing… I can’t let…”

Me: “I know it’s hard for you, but you’ll going to have to step back and let things settle down. You’ll have to let things 'just be'... for a while.”

Rachel: “I see where you’re coming from. Thanks for the advice. I’ll let you get some rest.”

Another hour passes, and the phone rings. It’s Rachel again. She's set up a meeting with him, tonight. She's leaving in a few minutes. She wants to discuss the matter further— even though an hour ago, he was so angry, and she’s very afraid of what he might say or do when they meet…

Me: “Rachel! Why are you meeting him?! I told you to disengage… that means to disconnect. That means NOT to talk with him, NOT to meet with him, NOT to see him! Stop all contact with him until things settle down!”

Rachel: “I know, but I can’t let things sit. It’s not in my nature. I can’t just wait things out. I know you’re right, but it’s too late. I can’t turn back.”

Me: “Rachel! Don’t go!”

Rachel: “I have to…”

And the phone line goes dead.

Yes, Even in a Car Repair Shop

2011-12-01T00:01:00.003-05:00

I believe that I’ve told you (many times before) that I am not a patient person — but I’ll tell you once more, because…

I recently had to take my car in for repairs. After 5½ hours of waiting, I was finally told the amount of ransom needed to secure both my and my car’s release.

It was a long, long day for me.

It’s not like I didn’t plan it all out, either. I knew I had to wait for the repairs, so I tried to reduce my waiting time as much as possible. I called the day before and explained my situation. I made an appointment with the manager, to make sure that my car would be taken care of in a timely manner, that parts would be ordered, etc.

I was told that the repair would take 2 hours, and that’s what I expected. I did not expect the 5½ hours that it turned out to be.

Knowing my impatient nature, I did bring a book with me, to keep me distracted — but instead of keeping me distracted from what was going on around me, it heightened my sensitivity to it.

The book I brought was The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver). In the book, the authors focused on the importance of respect and honor in healthy relationships — e.g., in a friendship, a marriage, or work-related encounters, etc.

This day at the repair shop just reinforced that message for me.

You see, the manager, Brandon, and I had formed a comfortable connection over the two days we’ve been discussing my car problem. We had a pleasant and respectful rapport going. He answered my questions and… well, treated me as an equal. He treated me with respect and honor.

Even though I am an impatient person, I was willing to sit there for however long it took for my car to be fixed, because I trusted that the manager had my best interest in mind — and, unfortunately, I had no other choice.

Two hours into my sentence, a different person — I’ll refer to him as Mr. Jerk — bellowed out into the waiting room, searching for the person who belonged to the Ford Focus. I raised my hand and went to meet him at the counter. Before I reached the counter, he started with his condescending tone, mumbling a list of recommendations that “must be” done. He started pushing me to use their credit card, ignoring my responses and reasons for wanting to handle the payment differently. Another employee tried to step in and have Mr. Jerk stop badgering me, but Mr. Jerk ignored that voice of reason.

I could feel my frustration and irritation rising with every breath Mr. Jerk took. Every phrase he uttered dripped with mockery, disguised as teasing. Simply put: I had no desire to deal with this person; but, at the same time, I knew I couldn’t make Mr. Jerk change his behavior toward me.

It’s sad to admit, but we — women, in particular — have been conditioned to be smile sweetly and take this type of behavior. Don’t try to understand what’s going on under the hood of the car. Just pay the mechanics whatever they tell you. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t make a scene in public. Just sit there and take it.

Unfortunately for Mr. Jerk, I’m of a different opinion. I believe everyone — me, included — should be treated with respect — even in a car repair shop.

So, knowing that 1) I couldn’t change Mr. Jerk’s behavior and 2) I didn’t want to have to deal with him anymore, I simply told Mr. Jerk to stop talking to me and that I wanted Brandon to talk to me, instead.

Obviously, Mr. Jerk didn’t understand the seriousness of my request. He just stood there and continued to be himself… a jerk.

I repeated my request — in the middle of a lobby and in front of his manager, Brandon.

Mr. Jerk turned to Brandon and repeated my request to him, adding that “She doesn’t like me!”

I did not contradict that statement. I did not backtrack or try to soften the impact of those words. I just let that statement continue to float out there… until Brandon took Mr. Jerk’s place at the register.

Brandon explained my car's issues, and we agreed to just concentrate on the “safety issues” and not on any of the other stuff on the list. He let me use my own method of payment without giving me any hassles about it. Unfortunately, he told me I’ll be waiting for another couple of hours; but that was OK, since I was being treated with respect.

As I went back to my seat, I noticed that Brandon tried to give Mr. Jerk some etiquette lessons, so that the customers that came after me would be treated better.

What was even better was that during the remaining 3½ hours, Mr. Jerk changed his tone and behavior. He showed more respect to the other women who were waiting for their cars.

Yeah, I know he’s probably calling me all sorts of names under his breath, but — at least outwardly — he was treating his customers with more respect than before.

And yes, showing respect and honor is important… even in a car repair shop.

Thank Goodness for My Day Job

2011-11-27T04:39:00.000-05:00

My day job is constantly feeding me the motivation necessary to keep my dream alive.

It’s truly a fertile and futile training ground for me.

It allows me to practice the fine art of waiting — a skill that I’m finding crucial in keeping my sanity while keeping my dream alive.

I wait for others to get back to me.
I wait for phone calls and emails to be returned.
I wait for corrections to be made and processed.
I wait for co-workers to get back from vacations and lunch breaks.
I wait for answers to my questions.
I wait for approvals and authorizations.
I wait on clients.
I wait for the day I can quit.
I wait… and wait… and wait.

While I’m doing all this waiting, I’m also learning lots from my co-workers, supervisors, and managers.

They’re teaching me to reduce my expectations so to reduce my disappointments.
They’re illustrating the destructive forces ego and insecurities have on team spirit and productivity.
They constantly remind me how the "blame game" erodes a person’s integrity and credibility.

All these skills come in handy when trying to become a published author, so I’m grateful to my day job.

Yes, thank goodness for my day job. If it wasn’t for it, I wouldn’t be pursuing my dream so diligently.

.

Wait

2011-11-23T09:13:00.000-05:00

Well, I’m back to playing the waiting game — waiting for feedback from those who agreed to review the children’s book, endlessly waiting for a publisher to come through for us, and waiting for Katherine to have time to meet with me regarding our next move.

I have to admit, I am not a patient person. I have this insatiable need to constantly be doing something to keep this dream going. We call it “throwing spaghetti against the wall” — just hoping something sticks for us.

And yes, I know that things will happen… all in due time. It’s just that… well, I am not a patient person.

.

I’m Not Used to This

2011-11-20T22:30:00.000-05:00

I told you that I was reaching out to various organizations and associations to see if they would help us with getting our children’s book picked up by publishers.

Well, the Florida Department of Education pointed me toward the 67 individual school board districts throughout Florida. I contacted my district and a neighboring one as well. My plan was to contact each of the 67 districts, one by one, and see who would respond to our request, if any.

Within a couple of hours, I received emails back from the school boards willing to discuss our projects. Some back-and-forth emails later, those involved with elementary education and bullying prevention programs for the school districts, along with the district’s school’s social work supervisor have offered to review our manuscripts and give us their feedback.

Hopefully, our project strikes the right core with them. If not, I’ve got 65 more districts to contact.

I’ve also reached out to Abundant Assets Alliance—which combines YMCA of the USA and Canada and Search Institute (three distinguishing organizations with proven success in building strong kids). One person with Search Institute emailed me back to let me know that she was forwarding my email to her colleague.

I know all these people could come back and tell me that they can’t help us, but I’m just excited that each one of them took the time to reach out and make contact.

After months and months of reaching out to publishers and literary agents — only to receive cold silence from them — it’s a pleasant and welcoming change to have people actually respond back.

I guess I’m just not used to this.

.

Shifting Gears

2011-11-16T10:18:00.000-05:00

Since it seems that we’re changing direction with the relationship book, Katherine and I have to really sit down and think things through and make some decisions.

This means I can’t go any further on this project until Katherine and I can meet.

So, to keep myself busy, I’ve turned my attention back to the children’s book.

I’m pretty sure that we’ll run into the same hurdles with the publishers of children’s books as we have with the adult-nonfiction publishers — which is that we don’t have a following, a built-in audience, or formal and time-tested sales platform that would guarantee book sales for the publisher.

We could self-publish the children’s book, but we’ll need help with the funding of it. Because of the discussion aid that goes along with the story, we’re talking about a two-book package, with illustrations for each chapter. All of that takes more money than we have.

With that in mind, I’m brainstorming as to how I can generate some support for the book. I’ve started sending out requests for help to various groups… hoping that someone would step in for us.

I’ve sent letters to homeschool publishers, organizations, and associations.

I’ve reached out to the National Homeschool Association, various parent/teacher associations, the Florida Department of Education, and the Florida School Board Association.

I’ve targeted Target® as well. Their community outreach programs focus on reading and educational programs for children. That gave me the idea to write to the president of Target® to see if he had some leads or contacts that would help us get published.

I’ve even written to Mrs. Laura Bush to see if she would help us out.

We’ll see if any of this bears fruit. In the meantime, I’ll keep brainstorming…

Can’t Judge a Book by Its Cover

2011-11-14T00:01:00.038-05:00

We’ve had a couple of emails going back and forth from that “helpful literary agent.” She’s very eager to introduce us to her contacts at the two non-traditional publishers she’s mentioned.

I’ve looked into both of the companies. One is a hybrid publisher who requires us to buy 2,500 books from them, which would mean we would have to invest around $15,500 — a price tag that was way over our budget.

Once we hand over all that money, we would have to do all the marketing, promoting, distribution, and selling for this huge inventory. For all of this, we would receive pennies in royalties for those books that are sold through their distribution channels.

The second option this “helpful literary agent” is promoting is a newly formed self-publishing arm of a huge traditional publisher (which dominates the self-help industry that we want to break into). The literary agent tells us that the president of this huge publishing company personally reviews all the manuscripts that goes through the self-publishing division and the strongest titles are brought over and republished through the gigantic traditional publishing arm — which is a huge bonus for first-time authors like us.

This self-publishing arm also offers the same marketing opportunities that the traditional publishing company has created — another good bonus for authors who are not skilled in the art of marketing and distribution of books.

We thought this would be perfect for us. Without this option, our materials would never be reviewed by anyone in one of the large traditional publishers — let alone the PRESIDENT of the company!!! Our thought was that if we couldn’t get pass the bouncer at the front door, maybe we can slip in through this backdoor…

Yeah… This golden carrot that the literary agent is offering us is sooo bright that it’s blinding our senses.

We graciously accepted her kind offer of introduction — but accepted it in a vague and general manner.

This way we had time to decide what our next step should be. Although an extremely important element, getting this book published is only one step in our master plan.

We really need to analyze this option to see if this new path is in line with our overarching goals. We have very limited funds, and we don’t have the luxury of missteps. We want to make sure that we are spending the money in the most effective way possible and in a manner that would propel us down the right path for us.

So, I’ve taken off my dreamer’s hat and have replaced it with an analytical one. I’ve taken off my rose-colored glasses and replaced them with sunglasses that will protect me from the glitter of gold illuminating from this carrot that’s being dangled in front of us.

And the more I look into the proposal, the more I’m convinced that this definitely IS a golden opportunity… for the publishing company, that is.

This self-publishing service is actually being outsourced to another self-publishing conglomerate, and the services are being marked up considerably through this “self-publishing arm” of the huge traditional publishing company.

Also, the promise that the PRESIDENT reads every manuscript that comes through is an… exaggeration… to put it mildly. The busy president of this huge successful publishing company doesn’t read the manuscripts that come through the front door of his main business, why would he waste his time to personally read every manuscript that comes through the backdoor of the self-publishing arm of the company — that is actually outsourced to another conglomerate?

Why is our “helpful literary agent” pushing us in this direction? Why is she advising us to spend money that we don’t have for a promise of a golden carrot that was made of fool’s gold?

This is a good reminder that everyone operates primarily out of self-interest. At some point, another’s self-interest will get in the way of our self-interest.

This is why it’s always good to follow the basic rule… “If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”

But I’m a person who always looks for a silver lining, and a good thing has come from all of this.

It’s made Katherine and me seriously consider the self-publishing route…

Keep in Touch

2011-11-09T06:44:00.000-05:00

I complimented a co-worker for a job well done and patted her on the shoulder.

She stopped for a moment and gave me a thoughtful look.

It was then that I realized that I may have crossed into her personal space when I patted her on her shoulder. In this crazy world that we live in, I guess I could be brought up on harassment charges in the workplace because I touched her.

I started backing away from her when she smiled and said, “You know, it’s really nice to be appreciated and be given a pat on the back every once in a while… well… a pat on the shoulder.”

I walked back to her chair and gave her another pat on her shoulder and then I gave her a pat on her back. Then, I rubbed her back between her shoulders a bit.

She said, “Oh, wow! I’ll give you 30 minutes to stop that.”

It’s just another reminder that we need to be told that we are appreciated. We need to feel that we are appreciated.

Everyone needs a good pat on the back… and if you follow it with a little back rub, all the better!

Time to Get Off the Merry-Go-Round

2011-11-06T08:49:00.000-05:00

We received a very interesting “encouraging letter of hope” from a very kind and helpful literary agent.

She eloquently expressed her concern about our lack of a “well-developed platform” to support the marketing and promotional aspects of our project.

She told us that:

“Publishers increasingly expect authors to have well-developed platforms prior to seeking publication so that they have a built-in audience when the book comes out. If a publisher doesn’t believe that the author can personally sell many thousands of copies on their own (the big NY publishers expect to sell in the 20,000 to 50,000 copies at a minimum based on the author’s sole efforts), they are averse to taking a project on.”

Without an established audience, publishers — and, thus, literary agents — will not take on new authors.

If this was a rejection letter, it would have stopped there; but our encouraging letter of hope continued.

Although this literary agent could not take us on as a client, she advised us to look into other publishing models that have developed over the years.

She has gone so far as to name a couple of non-traditional publishers and has offered to personally introduce us to her contacts in these companies.

We really appreciate her offer because a personal reference really helps in this business.

So, we’re getting off of the merry-go-round we’ve been on for the last year and moving on to a different ride.

Hopefully, this new ride will take us somewhere exciting, and not just round and round in a circle.

That Didn’t Last Very Long…

2011-11-02T09:47:00.000-04:00

Just got word from the “intrigued” publisher…

Although our work is interesting and intriguing, their listing is all booked for the next year and can’t place our book on it for now… She wishes us the best of luck…

That’s the catch in all of this…

The larger publishers won’t look at our work because we haven’t been published… and the smaller publishers who will look at us — and are moved by our stuff — don’t have the staff, resources, and publishing power to take on more than they already have.

Seems like an endless cycle for us. I feel a bit like Don Quixote, fighting my own personal giants.

Like the song, Windmills of Your Mind, from the Thomas Crown Affair:

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Anyway, I’m trying to think of another strategy, while still sending out (pointless) queries and book proposals.

If only I can connect with some established authors in the field that we want to break into, maybe they could help us. It’s worth a try.

What’s the worst thing that can happen? They ignore our request… and heaven knows, I’m used to that by now.

Out of the Mouths of Children

2011-10-31T00:01:00.027-04:00

That's when we all need the

hugs and kisses the most.

Trying to Chillax

2011-10-27T00:01:00.012-04:00

I’m taking today off and am doing nothing…well, almost nothing.

The phone has stopped ringing; the laundry is done; the vacuuming and dusting can wait for another day.

The last two weeks have been full of ups and downs: counseling friends and confessing to friends; covering for vacations at work and dealing with unreasonable deadlines; contracting and coordinating contractors to help with home maintenance issues; trying to keep my head firmly planted in reality regarding our writing projects, etc.

Yes, it’s a great feeling to be (somewhat) successful in juggling the different facets of your life… but it is also draining. If we don’t take time out for ourselves to rejuvenate, we’ll start to lose our balance and focus. We’ll start dropping things all over the place — which isn’t a good thing to do if you’re a master juggler…

So, I’m taking a day off and just chillaxing…

At first, I’d thought I’d go to the movies, but my legs and arms have a different plan. They’re pulling me back to bed… for an early afternoon nap and a lazy day with the TV remote.

I won’t argue with such a luxurious and guilty pleasure.

I’ll be back juggling in the morning. See you then.

Hope’s Working Overtime

2011-10-24T00:04:00.027-04:00

It’s hard not to daydream about this, but I can't help it. It's constantly on my mind.

I’m trying my best not to get excited, because it hurts when I'm forced to wake up from the dream, but...

Another publisher found our proposal and sample passages intriguing, and would be interested in reviewing the full manuscript.

I can’t get over the word she used... “intriguing.”

As silly as it sounds, that one word holds so much promise for me.

Yes, Hope’s working overtime.

Why Won’t Hope Just Leave Me Alone?

2011-10-19T07:04:00.000-04:00

As I fall asleep each night, I’ve been listening to “positive-thinking hypnosis tapes” — to keep my spirits up.

I’ve been preparing myself to weather more silence and rejection from this new wave of publisher queries.

Yep, I’ve been mentally preparing myself… by asking Hope to leave me alone for a while. If I don’t expect publishers to respond back to me, then I won’t be disappointed when they don’t.

It’s ironic, isn’t it? Night after night, I fall asleep to faceless strangers whispering to me that I make a difference and that I matter — while, during the day, I’m dealing with faceless publishers showing me that I’m invisible and have nothing to offer them — all because I want to publish books that encourage people to share themselves with others and make a difference to those around them…

Yep… I’m just going through the motions right now, not getting my hopes up…

I thought I had it all under control… until one of the publishers had the audacity to write us a hand-written encouraging letter of hope, telling us how much she enjoyed our book and how we filled the pages with love and experience. She wished her company could help us but the genre doesn’t fit their listing, at this time — but she hoped that we find a really good home for our book.

A publisher who is recognized as the leading publisher on autism and Asperger syndrome contacted us to let us know that she received our proposal and that she will read it, discuss it with her partners, and let us know if our children's book is right for them. They will get back with me in about six weeks.

In both cases, there were no promises of publication made, and yet…

These two contacts—as short and unpromising as they were — lit the flame of hope and optimism in me again. (damn it...)

Why won’t Hope just leave me alone?

It's because Hope has made a permanent home in my heart.

Hope will never leave me.

Damn it!

Expecting Nothing

2011-10-16T18:16:00.000-04:00

I scanned another database of more than 250 publishers interested in some form of relational self-help books.

I checked out another library book that lists children’s publishers…

Many publishers are not accepting unsolicited manuscripts or queries. They want to only deal with well-known literary agents…

But there are a few who will look at our stuff, so I sent out another load of queries for both the relationship book and the children’s book. I’m just reaching out to as many publishers and agents as I can, all at once — just to get it over with…

I don’t expect anything to come from any of this…

I’m just going through the motions…

I’m keeping my expectations low, so I won’t be disappointed when I don’t hear from anyone for a long time… if ever.

Never Satisfied

2011-10-13T00:01:00.015-04:00

I went bowling for the first time in more than two decades. I warned my friend that I was terrible, but she didn’t mind. She bowls once a week in her boyfriend’s league, and she thought our outing would give her a fun way to practice.

I was true to my word. I WAS terrible! I bowled a “34” in the first game. It’s amazing, I’m given 20 chances to hit the pins, and I only mange to knock down 34 pins in all that time. As you can imagine, most of my rolls ended in the gutter.

It was fun, though; because we celebrated every time I actually managed to keep the ball on the lane and hit something.

We paid for two games; so, with my chin held high, I tried again and again. I was determined to beat “34” in this next game. I was so bad the first time that I didn’t think I could get any worse.

It wasn’t until mid-game that I tried something unconventional… and managed to strike all the pins down in one throw.

I tried it again and managed another strike… and then another… followed by spares and more strikes…

Both my friend and I were in disbelief, along with the people in the lane next to us. They couldn’t believe it either!!!

I ended that game with “127.” Unbelievable!!!

We both bowled our “personal best” in that second game, so thought we’d pick up a third game.

That was a mistake. My fingers were getting tired, I was getting hungry, and my attention span was waning for this game — and all of this showed in the third game. I was much better than the first game — hard not to be—but not as good as in the second.

But in the third game, if I got anything less than a strike or a spare, I was disappointed.

The celebratory feel of the first game and the disbelief of the second game were missing in this last game. In the first game, I was happy to hit ANYTHING. In the second game, I was amazed at hitting so many.

In the third game, I focused on what I missed and not what I had hit. Instead of being happy with how much I improved from the first game, I ended the night disappointed.

Too many times, we do the same in life. We focus on what we don’t have and not on all the things we do have.

We'd enjoy our lives so much more if we would stop doing that.

Responsiveness in Healthy Relationships

2011-10-10T00:01:00.029-04:00

Katherine came across this video that shows the role of responsiveness in healthily relationships. While this footage is of a mother and her baby, it's relevant to all relationships.

Basically, the video reminds us, that no matter how old we are, we become hurt when those closest to us are non-responsive to our attempts in engaging them in a relationship.

What I find interesting is how quickly the baby responds back after being ignored by the mother. There's no "holding a grudge" or "getting even" for the hurt inflicted. The baby's just happy to have her mom interacting with her again.

I think this is something we can learn from babies.

Check out the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0&feature=player_embedded

Held Hostage by the Garage

2011-10-06T00:01:00.023-04:00

I packed the car and was ready to get on the road. I pushed the button for the garage door to open and… nothing happened.

I pushed it again… and still nothing.

I mumbled to myself that I didn’t have time for this. I had to be at the church… NOW!

I got out of the car, pulled out the 4’ ladder to reach the manual release, so I can pull the garage door up, manually. The door wouldn’t move. It was locked in place.

I looked around, hoping that I was missing something. I pulled the manual release again and again… only to get the same result over and over again… The door wouldn’t move.

It’s really irritating to be held hostage by a garage door — but this damsel in distress was determined to get out of the garage… hopefully, sooner than later.

It was early on a Sunday morning — not a good time to call friends for help — but I tried Katherine, since she had to be at the same place that I had to be. Maybe, she could come by and pick me up, but she said that there wasn’t enough time for that…

So, I knocked on my neighbor’s door on an early Sunday morning, hoping he’ll come out to help.

While I was waiting for him, I noticed — framed in the early morning sunrise — a handsome knight in shining armor on a silver steed, riding toward me. Running by his side was his trusted sidekick.

Well… actually, it was a guy in shorts, riding a bicycle, with his son running beside him — but, still, they were a welcomed sight!

While I was flagging that pair down, my neighbor came out in his mix-matched plaid pajamas and “bed hair.” I really appreciated him coming out as soon as he could to help me.

I explained my situation to these three heroes and begged them to free me from my dungeon.

They were more than eager and capable of dealing with this villain of mine.

It was determined that the garage door’s spring had busted in half. We were able to get the door up and hold it up long enough for me to get the car out of the garage, before it came slamming down again.

But I was freed!! And I got to the church on time!!!

This was amazing how this day turned around for me — all because of my neighbor and those two strangers who came to my aid.

Enjoy the Simple Pleasures

2011-10-02T20:08:00.003-04:00

On the night of September 30, my mother called to tell me her aunt — my great aunt — died at 7:38 that evening.

My great aunt was 96 years old. She has been in an assisted living facility for twenty years, and for all of that time, she has been wishing herself “eternal rest”— making our years with her as miserable as she was.

It was clear that she was not pleased with the way things have unfolded for her. Her life held no mystery, pleasure, or joy. Life only held pain and discomfort for her. Memories of the past didn’t help, because even the past added to her discontentment…

No, she was not happy with her lot in life…

Toward the end, she was in and out of the hospital — internal bleeding coming from some unknown source.

After this last visit, she was discharged to rest comfortable in her own bed.

I went by my 86-year-old mother’s the following morning, to see if she needed anything from me and to make sure she was emotionally OK.

Mom seemed relieved that her aunt had finally gotten her wish. She was taking everything is stride, making funeral arrangements and such. She appreciated my help, but she had everything under control.

That evening, I took a leisurely walk around my neighborhood. It was the first cool night of the Florida fall season. The sun was just setting, and a light breeze was blowing through the trees.

It was just too precious to waste, so I put on my sneakers and headed off into the sunset.

Someone was grilling steaks outside; kids were riding their bikes and scooters; couples were walking hand-in-hand down the street; a group was playing touch football; and families were walking their dogs.

I passed one house where a couple was still working on their flowerbed. At another home, an elderly gentleman was enjoying his cigar on the porch. There were no cell phones or iPods to be seen or heard.

No, everyone was just enjoying the sunset, the breeze, and the beginning of a new season…

The evening’s walk reminded me to enjoy every moment — no matter how ordinary the moment seems — because, sooner or later, the simple pleasures of life will be taken from us…

The Lady in Red

2011-09-29T00:02:00.003-04:00

Something very interesting played out at work this week.

I was walking into the kitchen and noticed a co-worker wearing a bright red blouse, black pants, and red shoes.

I commented on her outfit, “I like your red top and shoes. This must be “red” week or something. I noticed that Julie came all in red on Monday, and then she wore red pants the next day. And today, you’re wearing a red top with red shoes.”

Alice smiled and shrugged. “Well, I guess it’s just a power day.”

I said, “Well, I think because red is such a powerful color, that subconsciously you were predisposed to red, because Julie came in on Monday — as the Lady in Red — and then, she came in the next day with red pants. That red color stuck with you, and today, while looking in your closet, you subconsciously gravitated toward the red.”

Alice politely shrugged me off and went on her way.

I knew she didn’t believe me. I knew she thought I was a little nuts with such a theory, so I followed her into the opened area of the Word Processing room. I waited for her to sit down at her desk, before I approached her.

I didn’t say a word. I just walked up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder to get her attention. Then I pointed to all the people, in that immediate area, who were wearing some shade of red.

All these people happen to be sitting in the same area as Julie, who was our Lady in Red on Monday. Julie, of course, had not a stitch of red on her today.

Alice’s eyes registered recognition of what she was seeing. She started to laugh out loud.

She exclaimed, “Oh my goodness! I never even noticed! Look at that!”

As she explained what was going on to the rest of the group, I walked out, silently.

***

It’s very interesting to me that people have a hard time believing that their actions affect others.

Everything on this planet is connected in some way. Every action — every “thing” — has significance to someone—whether we “see” it or not… whether we acknowledge it or not. Even if we don’t see the connection or significance, it doesn’t mean that the connection doesn't exit.

I wish more people saw this power within themselves. I wish more people would recognize how the power of their presence affects others — either in a positive or negative way.

Since we have the power within us to choose whether to affect others in a positive or negative way, why not make a conscious effort to affect others in a positive way?

By choosing a positive course of action, we can dispel the darkness in others, while recharging ourselves in the process.

If we truly understood this power within us, we would use it more. We would take the time to develop it. We would give it the attention it needs to affect, effect, and infuse others.

If we only knew the power held in the gifts of focused attention and positive connections, we could use that power to abolish a host of negative and draining emotions and insecurities that live within ourselves and others.

Even if this is just one of my crazy theories, it’s one worth trying out…

Don’t you think?

Primary Relationships

2011-09-26T00:01:00.045-04:00

In my last post, I mentioned the term “primary relationship” and I’m afraid that I might have confused some people with that term.

All of us juggle a number of relationships in our daily lives: family, friends, intimate partners, business partners, associates, casual acquaintances, etc. Each relationship takes our time, energy, and attention.

Although there isn’t a single universally accepted definition, the term “primary relationship” denotes a high level of involvement you have with another. Simply put: Where your attention is, your heart will also be.

This high level of involvement could be an intense, emotional attachment and connection to another person… or it could be formed by financial and living arrangements… or it can be sustained by the sharing of child-rearing responsibilities.

This “high level of involvement” doesn’t necessarily have to involve other people nor does this “involvement” have to be a healthy one. Various addictions fall into this category — where the only thing that matters to the person is the next fix. Narcissistic personalities can have a primary relationship with themselves above all others. [And to clarify: These are NOT the types of healthy primary relationships I was referring to in the last post.]

For now, let’s focus on couples in primary relationships…

This high level of involvement between you and your partner places that partner on “top of your relationship list.” This primary relationship is the relationship that takes precedence over all others. When that person needs something, you put everyone else “on hold” and take care of that person’s need.

Now, this works great if both partners are primary partners for each other. Each knows that the other will be there for the other… above all others. Their expectations are met by the other.

The problem comes in when we believe we’re in a primary relationship with another, but that other person doesn’t give us that primary status. We’re not on the top of the relationship list, but mixed somewhere in the middle or bottom. Because of this, our expectations are not being met.

Let me give you some examples:

Scene 1:

Two people start to date. After several months, both pledge their love to the other. For the woman, she begins to build her expectations for the relationship. She expects to be placed on the top of his relationship list — above his mother, father, sisters, male friends, sports events, computer games, etc.

For the man, he sees himself picking up a new and developing relationship that he fits into his already full schedule. This new relationship is not treated as a primary relationship, but as one of many that he deals with throughout his day.

As the relationship evolves, the woman presses for more of his attention, and the more she presses the more he pulls away. Her persistent requests for his time and attention are viewed as nagging, clinging, and needy. Stress and frustrations develop between the two because expectations aren’t being met.

Scene 2:

Another man and woman are primary partners for each other. A newborn enters the picture. During the baby’s early months/years, the mother’s attention shifts from her partner to their baby. After taking care of the baby all day and night, the mother has no energy to give to her partner. Her partner begins to feel unseen and rejected. His needs are not being met as they once were.

Scene 3:

The husband works long hours, takes calls in the middle of the night, and is off on long business trips. His primary relationship has shifted to his company and his successful career — and away from his wife. As for the wife, she still needs to be in a primary relationship… if not with her husband, then with someone else.

The expectations built into a primary relationship play a key role in each of these scenarios. As each partner fulfills the other’s needs, things run smoothly — but once expectations become unfulfilled, frustration begins to seep into the cracks of the relationship. If left unattended, other feelings may move in as well… feelings like hurt, blame, anger, rejection, jealousy, distrust, betrayal, etc.

Anyway…that’s what I meant by primary relationships. Simply put: Where your attention is, your heart will also be.

There’s No Place Like Home

2011-09-22T00:01:00.028-04:00

I’m not sure what’s going on but I find myself surrounded by a number of friends and acquaintances who are transitioning from one phase of their lives to another. These shifts involve moving physically from one place to another.

Several young people I know are trying to escape from their parents’ homes. One was eager to move in with her boyfriend… only to find that the boyfriend was living in his grandmother’s basement. Another moved in with three roommates… only to find that the roommates were not able to pay their portion of the rent, and they were evicted.

One friend is returning to the Bay Area, to be with her daughter and grandchildren. For the past couple of years, she’s been traveling back and forth between where she lives and where her daughter and grandchildren live. The drive is becoming too much for her, so she’s decided to move back here and, hopefully, find a job near her daughter.

Another acquaintance has relocated to another state, due to her husband’s job. They can’t afford to buy a “real home,” until they are able to unload their other house. Because of this, they can’t move on with their family plans. They are living in their personal Purgatory — living in a small apartment in a dangerous neighborhood — waiting to resume their lives again. As it is now, they feel that they have no home, even though they are surrounded by their personal possessions.

Another friend of mine has been separated from her husband for a number of years. They continue to support a household and raise their boys together. Although her possessions are in the house with the boys and their father, she doesn’t consider that place to be her home. Her heart has found a home with a different partner, and it’s his place that she calls home, even though she doesn’t own anything there.

I have another friend who is constantly redecorating her house… never happy with how it looks or feels. There’s always some massive project going on, and the house is in constant turmoil and upheaval.

These examples reinforce my belief that the building in which you reside does not define your “home.” Home is more than your residence. Home is where your heart lives… where you're loved… where you go for peace and security. It’s not a physical place but an emotional and mental place of refuge and strength.

Some find their home — their stabilizing force — to be within a healthy primary relationship with another. Others find their life source within their inner “self” — anchored by their core principles and supported by spiritual beliefs.

Whoever or whatever supplies you with that positive source of well-being and security, keep it close to you… respect it… and protect it, because…

There’s no place like home.

Team Spirit

2011-09-19T00:01:00.019-04:00

I just received an agitated call from a friend. She was upset because she was just told by her boss that she was not a team player.

She had a departmental meeting earlier today. During the meeting, she made the mistake of bringing up her frustrations regarding inefficiencies in the way they did things. She outlined several processes that were adding costs to their production without adding any value to their customers. She asked why couldn’t they eliminate those activities and save the company money. Their limited resources and employees could be directed toward products that were generating income for the company.

Her manager was greatly moved by such suggestions — moved to the point of being insulted and angry with her. He felt that she was threatening him and giving him ultimatums…

That’s when he said that he was very disappointed in the fact that she was not a team player.

She tried to explain that if he could show sales figures or analysis or customer surveys that supported the current process, she wouldn’t be so frustrated with being asked to support the process.

He had neither the need nor time to find out which products are making a profit for their division and which are not. Even if she was right about the ineffective and inefficient processes, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter if their division loses money. As long as the company (as a whole) makes money, he’ll get his increases.

She was told not to concern herself with such things. Just do what she is told — no questions asked.

And start being a team player or find another place of employment.

The ironic part of this story is that it’s the manager, and not my friend, who lacks the team spirit.

The saddest part of this story is that this “management style” permeates through corporate America like freshly popped popcorn. Intelligent, competent employees are not seen as valued assets — but replaceable, bothersome pieces.

A word to the wise: We all have the desire to be seen, to be heard, and to be appreciated — but, rarely, do we get these needs fulfilled on the job site. Make sure you develop a support group outside the workplace to fill these needs for you.

The workplace is simply that — the workplace. It’s not your home.

Singing to the Choir

2011-09-15T00:01:00.037-04:00

I sing in a small choir at church.

This weekend, I overheard a choir member telling another choir member that it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t know the songs we’re singing, she’ll still sing as loud as she can. She acknowledges that — because she doesn’t know the songs — she sings the wrong notes, but that doesn’t matter, either. She’ll sing as loud as she can, because she just loves to sing. Nothing’s going to stop her from singing — because she loves it so much!!

Many may find this to be an admirable quality — to have the self-confidence to do what you love, without regard to those around you — but I (as the person who has to endure the "singing") find it to be disrespectful and harmful, especially if you choose to be part of a small group trying to develop and support a pleasant, blended, and harmonious sound.

And it's not like she hasn't been counseled, repeatedly, to try to help her blend in with the group. She's either unable — or unwilling — to support the group's needs.

Don’t get me wrong. That individualistic and confident attitude is great if she’s singing in the shower... if she’s singing in her car... or even if she’s singing in the congregation. It’s a great attitude to have on Karaoke night at the local bar, after everyone is drunk out of their minds. All those are perfect places for her to stretch her vocal chords and sing to her heart’s content.

But there’s a time and place to indulge in self-satisfaction — and a time and place to put aside personal desires in pursuit of shared goals of the group.

I understand the need to be heard, to be seen, and to be appreciated. I can even trace that thin line that separates the need to conform to a group and the need to be liked for who you are.

Believe me when I tell you that I’ve beaten these messages to death — so I understand the unfulfilled needs this choir member has. She wants to be heard, seen, and appreciated. She wants to be accepted by the group.

Unfortunately, the way she’s going about “getting her needs met” is working against her.

To be seen and heard, she pushes others aside to place herself in the center of the front row. She positions herself in front of a standing microphone and sings loudly. Because she sings off key, she causes those around her to go off key as well. This triggers others to jockey for positions as far from her as possible.

It is in these ways that she diminishes the group’s cohesiveness in sound and spirit, and she finds herself more isolated and separated from the group than she could ever imagine.

Instead of adding to the group’s sound, she detracts from it. Instead of becoming part of the group, she’s alienating herself from it.

Yes, she is definitely heard, and she is seen… but not in the way she wants to be.

Why Don’t You Come Over More Often?

2011-09-12T00:03:00.036-04:00

I just came back from an acquaintance’s house. Her sister was visiting from out of town, and she invited me over… adding that I don’t come to visit often enough.

What’s “interesting” about this visit was… every time I started to talk, one of the sisters would interrupt me, turn to the other and say, “That reminds me about the time when we….”

And the two would continue their conversation, forgetting about me and my unfinished story.

This didn’t happen once, twice, or three times. It happened throughout the visit with them. I never could finish one story with them.

They’d ask me a question, I’d start to answer, which jogged their memory about something else, and they’d go off chatting about that “something else.”
They’d ask me a question, and just as I begin to answer, they’d ask the other what else she wanted to eat.
They’d ask me a question, I’d start to answer, and they’d get up and walk off into another room, because they were tired of sitting at the table.

How did the afternoon end? Well… they asked me a question, and just as I started to answer, the phone rang and both of them got on the phone to talk to the caller.

It was then that I got up, waved my goodbyes, and headed out the door.

I wonder... why don’t I go over there more often?

Fly-By Acts of Attention

2011-09-08T00:08:00.013-04:00

I've had an intense couple of weeks at the office, which ended with a 3-hour meeting with my manager. I would share with you what happened in that meeting, but I still need my job — and the fact that I still have one is a miracle in itself.

Even though the rest of the week was pretty quiet at the office — and I still have a job to go to — I thought it would be wise for me to take a 3-day weekend from the office, to let things settle down a bit between my manager and me.

This day off gave Katherine and me an opportunity to get together to discuss our next steps in our book publishing pursuits. As you can imagine, the last couple of weeks at the office has added more motivation for me to get our book published — the sooner the better.

As we were heading out of the restaurant where we met, Katherine noticed a lone gentleman ahead of us at the cashier register. She complimented him on his hair and asked what products he uses. They chatted about hair products, as he finished paying his bill. He left with the biggest grin on his face.

A simple conversation about the guy’s hair made his evening.

It’s that easy. Really, it’s that easy!

I don’t think people realize how important their presence is to another human being. We don’t realize how, even as strangers, we can reach out to others — through a smile, an understanding nod, an encouraging compliment — and share our light with them, even if it’s only for a brief moment.

But, ironically, the mere act of sharing yourself with others — in these short bursts of focused attention — actually recharges your own batteries. These quick, positive interactions — these “fly-by acts of attention” — actually rejuvenate you, like a summer rain.

This requires us to change our focus from ourselves to others. We need to intentionally switch from an internal, self-center focus to an outward, attentive focus. By focusing outside of ourselves and placing our intent on another person, our light intuitively reaches the target of our focused attention. We affect them in that brief moment, by just being there with them — for that brief moment.

It takes just a moment of our time, but that moment has the power to change people’s days, weeks — and quite possibly — their lives. We’ll never know…

If only we knew the power we held within us…

Light Banter, Dark Chocolate

2011-09-05T00:01:00.031-04:00

This week has been peppered with all sorts of social interactions — both positive and negative — and I’m not sure what to make of them.

I would like to make some heads-or-tails out of all of it, but they ran the gamut from truly irritating and frustrating to emotional sharing — with some light fun and playful interactions mixed in between.

Each interaction came from different people, so the only common denominator was … well, me.

I’m just amazed how human beings interact with each other — all based on what they want from each other.

For example, the frustrating and irritating encounters came from the work environment. These people want nothing more from me than zombie-like loyalty and "dead-dication." Please check your mind and feelings at the door before you come into the workplace.

The emotional sharing came from a close friend.

The light fun and playful interactions came from some good friends.

I even experienced a very surprising and enlightening conversation with a casual acquaintance, who was on his way to his father’s funeral. He wasn’t looking for sympathy from me, but just someone to talk to before he headed out on his long trip to his hometown.

Yes, it’s interesting what we need from each other. Some are content with light banter and dark chocolate.

Some of us are searching for something more than that…

Why Am I Trying So Hard?

2011-08-31T00:01:00.001-04:00

Why am I trying so hard to get published? Because I want to quit my day job.

I’m tired of being frustrated everyday, from the moment I walk into the office to the moment I rush out its door at the end of the day.

I keep telling people that Frustration = Unfulfilled Expectations.

I keep telling people that the only way to reduce one’s frustration is to either work toward fulfilling one’s expectations or reduce the expectations to a level that can be fulfilled.

I test this theory over and over again — more than I can count — and everywhere I go.

And I can tell you that the ONE place this NEVER works for me is at work!

Why doesn’t this work for me at work?

Ironically, it’s my supervisor who unravels this mystery.

She says it’s because I am a logical person in a place where logic is banned and that I’ve never learned how not to care about things.

The only way I can reduce my frustration at work is to stop thinking and stop caring… and I can’t do either.

So, I am predestined to be frustrated every moment of every day at work.

That’s why I’m trying so hard to get published — so I can quit my day job.

Giving It Another Try…and Another… and Another

2011-08-22T00:01:00.005-04:00

Well, since we’re revamping the relationship book again, Katherine wants to try reaching out to literary agents (again) to see if they can knock on the mega-publishers’ doors for us.

Early responses back from those inquiries are not helpful. Many won't take new authors, only established authors recommended by other established authors. Others only accept "full-length" books.

I asked the agent exactly what her definition of "full-length" books was... since, in my mind, a book is as long as it needs to be to get your story told — no longer or shorter than that. If it's shorter than that, then it's not complete; if it's longer than that, then you're wasting your readers' valuable time with redundancy and unwanted rhetoric.

So, I’m back on the computer doing what I hate, Hate, HATE doing!!

And what’s my reward for doing it? I’m positioned and posed for more and more “encouraging letters of hope” to fill my inbox.

Yeah, I hate, Hate, HATE this part!

But, I keep telling myself that at least this exercise — no matter what the outcome — will, ultimately, lead us in the right direction.

[P.S. The literary agent did explain that there is a higher price break for books of 55,000 words or more, and she is only interested in pursuing higher page-count books.]

What Can You Get For A Dollar?

2011-08-18T00:01:00.008-04:00

I know this is hard to fathom, but something at work really excited me today!

It’s not hard to guess that this “something” had nothing to do with work…

This “something” was able to lift my spirits, put an extra skip in my step, and encouraged me to look to the future with optimism and hope — and I had simply stumbled upon it, without knowing.

I walked into the opened word processing area, as Julie was collecting dollars from her co-workers. She looked at me and asked, “You want to put a dollar into the Powerball pool?”

“Oh, OH!!! Yeah! I’ll be right back!”

I skipped to my office and pulled out a crisp new dollar bill, skipped back, and handed it over.

“Thank you for asking me to join you guys. How much are we going to win?”

“$171 million, but, now, I guess I have to ask everyone else if they want to join, too.”

As Julie went off asking the rest of the department if they wanted to participate, I started calculating how much I would get, once taxes were taken out and the pot was split.

What seemed like minutes later, the tickets were purchased and copies were handed out. After that, there was nothing left to do but dream about what we were going to do with the money — and we had three days to dream!

Another co-worker commented that she had to put in the dollar, because how stupid would she feel if we won and she wasn’t part of the pool? After all, someone has to win…

Just as she said this, a very adamant voice from around the corner yells out, “No! That’s not true. No one has to win!”

“I guess you didn’t enter the pool.”

“No, I didn’t. Why waste the dollar?!”

I just sat back, thinking that the dollar wasn’t wasted. Even if we didn’t win, this single dollar gave me something fun to think about; it gave my co-workers and me something in common… something to smile about…and something to dream about. It made the day go faster at work.

No… the dollar wasn’t wasted.

I Wish I Took the Risk

2011-08-15T00:01:00.032-04:00

I was walking back from the bank to my office. It was a hot, sunny day; and I was crossing an open field next to a hotel that allowed dog owners to bring their dogs.

While I was crossing the field, I heard a woman’s voice yelling for Bella.

I turned around and saw a cute little black dog running around — and away from her owner — just happy to be free. Trailing behind her was her leash along with her tired and irritated owner.

I stood there, quietly, waiting for the dog to notice me. I patted my leg for her to come visit me. She ran as fast as she could, and we greeted each other. As I petted her, I picked up her leash, untangled her legs from it, and waited for Bella’s owner to retrieve her.

The woman came over slowly — still irritated. I smiled and handed over the leash. The woman didn’t return the smile, nor did she get close enough or extend her arm out far enough to grab the leash.

I had to lean up and over Bella to reach the owner's hand, who wasn't helping matter. I was definitely feeling her need for more space between us.

At some point, she appeared to have the leash, but just to make sure I asked.

“Are you OK? You have it?”

“Yeah.”

“You sure you’re OK?”

“Yeah.”

And with that, she turned around to take Bella back to the hotel.

There was no “Thank you” or any other niceties from her to allow me into her world.

I think back to that encounter and wonder... if I had tried harder to break down her barrier, what would I have found there? I have no idea what her struggles are, but could sharing her frustrations for a moment ease her day? Would simply knowing that someone noticed — and wanted to help — have made her feel better?

There’s a fine line between reaching out to people and intruding into their private space — and with strangers, you have no idea where that line falls. Some people are just not comfortable letting others in… let alone, letting strangers in.

I think back and remember how her behavior told me that she wasn’t comfortable with the help I had already given. Reaching even deeper into her space would have pushed her farther away.

But part of me still wishes that I had taken the risk. What if I was wrong, and I could have made her feel better — even if for that one moment?

Yeah. Next time, I'll take the risk.

What Defensive Driving and Relationships Have in Common

2011-08-11T00:01:00.008-04:00

It’s time to renew my auto insurance… again.

I don’t know how your insurance company does it, but mine gives a discount for taking a driver safety program. I thought it was a good idea. Who couldn’t use a refresher course on safe driving? So, I contacted my insurance agent, to see how I can get into the program.

My insurance agent actually discouraged me from taking the defensive driving course. She said the discount wasn’t worth the time and paperwork.

I never heard of an insurance agent discouraging clients from doing whatever they can to avoid accidents, but then again, I’m not in the insurance business and don’t have the adequate information to intelligently discuss the matter with her. Instead, I just went around her to get the driver safety program.

What was so amazing about this program was that every page echoed the lessons we’re sharing with others about relationships.

Things like:

You’re the only person who can control your behavior.
You can’t control all the conditions around you. All you can do is control your actions and how you deal with those conditions.
Think before you act. Think about the actions and consequences of those actions — to avoid collusion or confrontations.
Be patient with others. Show courtesy, respect, and dignity. Give others the benefit of the doubt. The more courtesy and respect you give, the more you receive from others.
Avoid driving or interacting with others when angry, upset, or overly tired.
Anger is a mental condition that grows out of some other emotion (e.g., insecurity, fear, etc.). Once you identify the underlying emotion, you can start to control your anger.
Many feel that being aggressive — or being an aggressive driver — is taking control, but the opposite is true. The major cause of aggression is a loss of personal control in some aspect of a person’s life. Aggression only leads to more aggression and can grow into road rage.
Make your own decisions and do not give up control to another or to random emotions.
For every decision you make, there are consequences.
The consequence of poor decisions can be devastating.

As I look over this list, I wonder... what if we’d all pledge to follow these concepts on the road and in our relationships?

I bet if we would, there would be much fewer fatalities in both areas.

OH, NO YOU DIDN’T!!!

2011-08-08T00:01:00.016-04:00

I’ve shared with you that I volunteer with an e-mentoring program. It’s a way to help hundreds/thousands of students as they transition from junior high to high school and out into the adult world.

I’m working with a number of super kids this year — very bright, intuitive, caring, and confident.

Let me give you a quick example:

One of the assignments asked the mentees to answer the following question:

“Is there anyone your age who has a job that you envy or a job that you know will help them get into college or into better employment? Describe the job that you envy. Could you find a similar job for yourself? Why or why not?”

When I first read that question, I saw red... really RED! All I could think of was:

OH, NO YOU DIDN’T!!!

The problem with the program's question is that it sets up the impression that it’s acceptable to feel envious of another’s good fortune — without re-enforcing the importance of the warning signals behind such a feeling. It opens a door into a darkened room, without making any attempt to shed light on the issues that underlie feelings of envy and jealousy.

The best test of a healthy self-image is how excited and pleased you are when something good happens to another. Am I as excited about your good fortune as you are? If I’m not, then I’m struggling with insecurities and doubts about my self-image.

Even if the organization doesn’t get it, my students do! I just love one of my student’s answer to this question.

She wrote: “… and if my friends did have a good job, I wouldn't envy them; I would be proud for them.”

I’m really proud of her, and she’s just one of the amazing kids I’ve met through this volunteer program.

[As a side note: I emailed the organization and asked if they could reconsider the wording of that particular question. We'll see what response I get from them.]

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The Institution of Marriage

2011-08-04T00:01:00.006-04:00

Well, that last entry generated quite a discussion between Katherine and me.

The main point of the debate dealt with the sentence: “She’s making her plans based on the promise of marriage.”

Katherine felt that that sentence focused on the institution of marriage as a functional means to an end — and not the ongoing courtship for two people in a relationship. Was that my intent?

Well, I guess so. My actual intent was to describe what I saw — not what I thought ought to be. I was describing what was, not what should be… in my humble opinion.

People get married for various reasons — only one being that they desire a long-lasting and healthy relationship with each other.

I’ve had many, many, many friends tell me their stories:

When they were in their twenties, my friends would tell me that they planned to be married by a certain age, with two children (first the boy, followed by a girl) — and these promises were made without a Mr. Right in the picture.
Others got married to escape from their current situation.
A week before her wedding, another friend confessed that she didn’t think her fiancé was the right guy for her, but she’s going to marry him, because she’s afraid of being alone.
Another friend told me she settled for her husband because she was afraid that time was slipping away. She didn’t want to wait any longer, in the hopes of someone else asking her, because she was convinced that no one else would ask her.
Several friends tell me that they got married, simply because it was expected of them — expected (and a little pressured) by their family, friends, colleagues, etc.
Others felt that marriage was the next step. They were dating the same guy for a while, and it was time to get married — just like becoming parents was the next step after that, even though they never felt that nurturing craving for children.

Add to their stories, the stories of those who marry for money, prestige, control, and power.

Add to their stories, the stories of arranged marriages of past and present— made all over the world.

Add to that how corporate America and the government financially reward married couples over singles and that companies are more generous and lenient with those with families than those without.

And don't get me wrong! I've had friends tell me that they married their best friend, that they married their soul-mates, the love of their lives, their one and only... and that they're in a never-ending courtship. They admit it takes work and unending commitment. They've had their ups and downs... but it's all worth it.

So, yeah… the institution of marriage has its advantages. For many, marriage brings with it a sense of maturity, dependability, normalcy, financial assistance, social acceptance, respect, companionship, love, acceptance, and partnership.

I see nothing wrong with this… just as long as the expectations and needs of all those involved are being met.

The problem arises when one party wants more from the relationship than the other. One may be needing more than the other is capable of giving. Unfulfilled expectations start to create distance between the couple and family unit. Resentment and anger moves into the spaces where respect, trust, and acceptance once lived.

One friend was in a relationship and decided that it was much easier to break things off than it was to invest the time and energy needed to get her needs met with a particular partner. She’d rather be on her own than be dissatisfied in the relationship.

She felt conflicted by her decision because she felt she would be disappointing so many people if she ended the relationship. She feared that her family and friends would label her as being selfish and childish.

I, on the other hand, applauded her for her self-awareness, self-assessment, and honesty. It would have been unethical to go into a partnership with another person, already knowing that she was not willing to put forth the ongoing effort necessary to sustain the partnership.

So… what marriage is and what it ought to be are two different things. I can’t define what a marriage “ought to be” for a couple. Only those involved in the marriage can do that.

What I can tell you is that both parties’ expectations and needs must be met if it is to be a successful partnership.

What I’ve Learned From My Friends

2011-08-01T00:01:00.008-04:00

I’m fascinated and intrigued by relationships—all different types and in every stage.

For example, I have three friends. Each is involved in a relationship.

One friend is very happy in her new relationship. She enjoys every moment she’s able to look into her lover’s eyes and be in his arms. They take one day at a time and let each day flow into the next. They spend their time together, discovering what makes the other happy and fulfills each other’s needs and wants. Issues are ironed out with a caring hand and a caressing kiss. There’s a delightful acceptance of each other’s differences that has been built into their relationship.

I have another friend who is about to get married. She is busy strategically planning her life for the next 3-5 years — from wedding day, to a home purchase, to the birth of their first child, second child, and so on. She has a rigorous and ambitious schedule laid out for the two of them. The fiancé, on the other hand, has his own (and different) plans in mind. Because they are dealing with so many life-changing and stressful issues, each disagreement challenges the relationship’s stability.

My third friend finds herself in a dead relationship with her ex-husband. For financial and functional reasons, they maintain a house together, but it’s not a home. They do not share things with each other. They no longer talk to each other, and if they do exchange words, it is in a destructive manner. They treat each other as roommates — hostile ones, at that.

I listen to my three friends, as they share their lives with me. Each person has a different personality and, therefore, addresses issues in different ways. Each is in a different stage of her relationship. One is at the very beginning, enjoying each day as it comes. The second is looking past today and focusing on the future. She’s making her plans based on the promise of marriage. The third one is dealing with the broken promises that have cemented her to her marriage...

I sit here, thinking how much we can learn from each of them:

To enjoy the moments we have with each other, while planning for the days to come
To embrace the desire to please each other
To be accepting of the strengths and weaknesses of each person
To always be open and available to listen and communicate with each other
To constantly learn from one another
To never lose respect for each other... nor for the partnership that is embedded in a healthy relationship
To acknowledge and accept when a healthy relationship no longer exists