Denial as a Defense Mechanism

Oh, gosh!  I’m ready to throw up my hands in surrender.

I know that denial is a useful coping mechanism for the short term.  Denial gives us the time we need to adjust to distressing situations.

Basically, we refuse to acknowledge that an event has occurred.  We simply act as if nothing has happened — behaving in ways that others may find bizarre.  

We’re being unrealistic about something that’s happening — something that might be obvious to those around us.  

These people can’t understand why we don’t see reality the same way they do — and we’re just as mystified by their behavior.

And — as I said —  in some cases, a little denial can be a good thing. It may give us the time we need to deal with some sort of change in our life.  As our mind absorbs things, we can approach things more rationally and take action by seeking help.

Still, denial has a dark side. Being in denial for too long can prevent us from effectively dealing with issues that require action — such as a health crisis or a financial situation. 

It’s in this way the denial becomes a barrier or roadblock. 

This is where we are with my mother.  Currently, she’s in denial about her health situation.  Although she'll need more help than in the past, she’s doing great; she’s progressing nicely with therapy; she’s getting stronger every day.

Yet, she closes her eyes to all of this and only sees what she no longer can do.

And I’m ready to throw up my hands in surrender.

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Stay in the Eye of the Storm

I was at water aerobics the other day, and a nice lady, Sue, started to explain why she hadn’t been at class for a while.  She outlined what had been going on with her son and his new wife and how she can’t wait for things to “calm down and go back to normal.”

I empathized with her—but cautioned her about waiting for things to calm down and go back to normal. 

I don’t know what it is about certain people, but there are some people who live in a constant state of chaos.  They thrive on it.  Drama seems to either follow them or is stirred up by them.  Either way, when they blow into your life, they blow in like a hurricane.

Sue’s eyes widened and laughed.  Her life with her husband was very calm before her son and his wife moved back in.  Chaos seems to follow her daughter-in-law around, and since this young lady has attached herself to Sue’s family, Sue’s life has been chaotic as well.  

Yeah, when you’re surrounded by chaos that is out of your control — and you can't get away from it — the best thing to do is to put yourself in the eye of the storm (i.e., in the calm, quiet part of the hurricane) and let the chaos simply swirl around you.  Try not to let all the strong winds and craziness of others affect you.  It may be difficult but don’t step out of your calm circle and into the hurricane or you’ll get caught up in the storm and lose your balance.

She nodded and realized that same thing was happening at work.  There’s drama all around her there too.  She’s been working hard at keeping herself balanced there as well. 

All these things are good reasons for her to keep coming to water aerobics.  Being in “calmer waters” and exercising helps reduce stress and will make her feel better.

She agreed and added that she was feeling a lot better already — and class hadn’t even started yet.

A Dying Spirit

I can’t say that I’m attached to any one church, because I’ve sung at various churches in my lifetime.

This weekend, a friend of mine visited me at one of these churches.  Our plan was for her to meet me at the church in time to hear me sing, and then we’d visit Mom in rehab and go out to dinner.

Our dinner conversation revolved around our afternoon’s activities — and she started to tell me about the nondenominational church she was attending.  At her church, there would be music and singing at the start, and then the minister would come in and start the “actual service.” 

She really doesn’t care for their music because it’s too loud for her taste, so she makes a point to slip in late — unseen — so, she can miss that part.

But she really, really likes the minister and how genuine and personable he is.  Even though she hasn’t been attending for very long and their congregation is HUGE, the minister greets her as if he has known her for all her life.

This welcoming nature of his makes her feel as if she’s a part of his family… as if he wants her there… as if this is her home and she belongs there.   This feeling makes her want to come back, week after week. 

She contrasted this warmth with the feeling she got from the church in which I sang.

To give you a bit of background:  The way the Mass is set up is that the songleader/choir (which is me for this particular service) will start off by leading the congregation in a gathering hymn, then the priest will lead the congregation in prayer, then the songleader/choir leads the congregation in community prayer/response and then hands the congregation’s attention back over to the priest… and we go back and forth like this throughout the service.

Singing is interspersed throughout the service and not just at the beginning.

My friend commented how she really enjoyed the music and the selections of songs.  She loved the way I sang, and how I lit up the place with my energy.  She enjoyed watching me interact with the congregation and the music director.  It made her happy to watch me because it was clear that I enjoyed what I was doing… and that I wanted to be there. 

She also pointed out that — without realizing it — that very energy spotlights what was lacking in the rest of the service.

Once a song was done and the 76-year-old priest took over, all the light and warmth went away — until I sang again. 

The priest’s monotone tone and mannerisms destroyed whatever was created before him.

He was just going through the motions… with no intent, no conviction… no joy...

It was apparent that he didn’t want to be there. 

Sadly, what she observed was true. 

 

When the presider shows up out of obligation — with no genuine spirit to share — it’s not surprising that the congregation is dwindling down to nothing. 

There’s no mystery why there are no young people in the congregation.  There’s no mystery why there are very few people in their 20s-30s-40s-50s attending. 

There’s no mystery. 

Once the pastor no longer supports his members’ spiritual growth, he loses his purpose and credibility.   Once his members no longer support his church, his church will no longer exist. 

A person with no spirit is nothing

More than a dark, abandoned shell of a person

Just like a church with no people is nothing

More than a dark, abandoned building

The two go hand-in-hand…

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Taking a Deep Breath and Jumping In…

Katherine brought up the need to get a website up and running for us…. again.

I know I’m not ready for this next step.

She has a friend who she thinks is the optimal person to help us with our website stuff.

I was upfront with Katherine and told her that I was skittish about starting up a website project — especially, when we still haven’t put the finishing touches on the book cover, yet.

She understood my hesitancy, but she felt that this guy really knew his stuff… not just how to set a website up, but how to promote and protect its integrity—and in turn, promote and protect our integrity.

She explained that her friend is aware of the really important things that go beyond the setup and content of a website — although setup and content are important, too. 

He knows how to get people to come to our website and stay there rather than wander off to other websites.

He also knows how to generate trust with the people who visit our website.

I listened to her, and thought… if we stay focused on integrity and trust, we can’t go wrong…

So, yes… we’re starting off on another adventure. 

Where we’ll end up, I haven’t a clue…

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True Listening is Love in Action

I’m working my way through another amazing book — The Road Less Traveled, by Dr. M. Scott Peck.  

Dr. Peck, discusses the attributes that — in his opinion — make for a fulfilled human being, based largely on his experiences as a psychiatrist and person.  He also encourages us to confront our problems which would enable us to reach a higher level of self-understanding.

He subdivides his “wisdom” into three parts:  discipline, love, and grace.

*** 

Discipline

He describes four aspects of discipline:

• Delaying gratification
• Accepting personal responsibility
• Dedicating oneself to truth (both in word and deed)
• Balancing and handling conflicting desires and necessities

Love

Many mistakenly think that love is a feeling; it is not.  Love is an action — not a feeling. 

• One must put effort into loving.  Love takes work.
• Love takes courage — because moving out of yourself, in the face of fear, takes courage. 
• Therefore, the action of love takes work and courage.  

• When we love another, we give that person our attention; we attend to that person’s growth and well-being. 
• We exercise our attention by listening.  To do this well, listening requires work.
• Therefore, true listening is love in action.

*** 

There’s much more to the book, but I want us to stop here and really reflect on this point. 

True listening is love in action… 

Therefore, stop whatever you’re doing and truly listen to your loved ones…

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Taking One Day at a Time

Yes, I still subscribe to the belief that everything happens for a reason and will work itself out. 

My mantra is still: Take one day at a time…simply go with the flow… only focus on the things I can control…

Yes, they are helping me get through the last couple of months and the months that are ahead of me. 

For example, Mom’s health — physical and emotional— is still an issue.  I’ve been going with Mom to her various doctors’ appointments and tests, and her pending surgery looms out there in the near future. 

She is not happy with what’s going on — because none of this was her plan.  None of this is in her control…

Her stay at the rehab is coming to an end, and it was our hope to have the restoration—due to the flooding of the kitchen — completed before Mom was released, but the insurance company is not cooperating.  Needless to say, her house is still upside-down.  

I’ve been dealing with Mom’s appointments, her financial needs, her emotional needs, her housing needs, and her future needs.  I’ve been juggling these things, along with dealing with my own financial, emotional, housing, and future needs…

Add to that, there are caring family members who want constant updates and have endless suggestions and directives.  Without meaning to, they are adding additional pressures because they are constantly demanding answers and solutions from me… answers and solutions that only time can reveal.

It’s all a bit overwhelming. 

Focusing on one day at a time is helping. 

Deep breathing and medication exercises are helping, too. 

And when I reach the end of each day — without breaking down in tears — I have to admit that I’m managing pretty well. 

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Spirituality vs. Religion

An acquaintance, Shelly, asked me about our “progress” on the book.  I shared with her our search for someone who can understand and capture what we desire for our cover art.

Immediately, Shelly proceeded to list names of people her son knew who did artwork and web designs.  She offered to send me links to their websites and talk to her son about all of this…

I appreciated her enthusiasm, but we really needed someone who could understand and capture our vision… 

In trying to explain this, I used the word spiritual.

She stepped back, looking defeated.  Her eyes dimmed, and her confidence dissolved.  She shook her head and started to take back her offer because she, her son, and his friends are not churchgoers…

I stopped her there, because there is a big difference between being spiritual and going to church.   

Spirituality is not defined by whether you go to church or not.  

Spirituality is not defined by a particular religious dogma — or even whether you believe in a Supreme Being or not… whether you believe in life after death or not…

No, don’t confuse the two.  

Organized religion exists to help us achieve spirituality and is not the end in itself. 

Once a religion no longer supports our spiritual growth, it loses its purpose and credibility.  

Spirituality does not suffer that same fate, because it inspires us to be inclusive.  It doesn't create barriers nor restrict personal growth.

Spirituality cannot be contained in a church building… but thrives within the inner core of each person.

No… don’t confuse the two.

As I said this, Shelly’s smile came back… her confidence came back… her spirit came back… home.


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Redefining Progress…

If you’ve noticed, it’s been a while since I’ve mentioned the progress of our writing projects.

That’s because there’s very little headway to report. 

There’s more… ummm… “changing of directions” going on than an actual progression to the finish line on these things — which can be considered some type of “progress,” I guess.

In our defense:  Isn’t it better to take our time and end up in the right place — rather than to hurry up and rush through things, just to find that we’ve ended up in the wrong place?

Yes, this process is taking much longer than expected.  It’s taking much more money than we budgeted.   It’s taken up much more of my patience than I had anticipated. 

But, I’ve learned more about myself through the process as well—and that’s not a bad thing.

The short of it is that we’ve decided to go a different direction with the cover art, which means we’ve spent much time, effort, and money down a path that didn’t lead us to where we wanted to end up…

I’m disappointed at that, but we’ve regrouped, dusted off our compass, and are currently exploring a new and unknown territory. 

We’ll share more about it as soon as we get our bearings and there’s something to share…

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