Had Another One of Those Dreams

I woke up from one of my dreams.  It posed an interesting question for me, so I thought I’d ask what your opinions on this matter were... 

No, it doesn’t have anything to do with our publishing pursuits, but it does deal with the subject of friendship… 

I was sleeping in late on a Saturday morning, purring like a cat, just stretching and hugging my pillow.  I didn’t care how late it was in the morning; I had the right to stay in bed for as long as I liked.  It was the one Saturday that I could…

Just as I turned over for another catnap, I heard the doorbell and then a persistent knock at the door. 

I shrugged it off, thinking that I’d let whoever it was go away quietly and let him leave his propaganda on the doorstep.

Then I heard the door open and all these footsteps coming into the house... and my house isn’t all that big!  They would be at my bedroom in seconds… with me still in my hole-ly, wear-worn nightgown and everything!

I recognized one voice, so it wasn’t a stranger per se… yet she was still an intruder in my house... and in my life.  The good news was that I wasn’t going to be robbed, raped, or anything like that.  I was just going to be embarrassed; and a door I had closed long ago would be reopened.

The person in my dream represented one of the longest and unhealthiest friendships I’ve ever survived.  We’ll call her Cassandra, because that isn’t her name. 

In the dream, she brought along four or five grandchildren that ran all over the house.  I tried to close my bedroom door, so I could get dressed, but I was too late.  The gang had already descended into this part of the house, and I was seen in my nightwear… and had to explain my laziness on a Saturday morning, while trying to disappear behind the door, to get dressed.

Once my bedroom door was closed, pictures of her and her grandchildren started appearing under the door.  Cassandra was sliding picture after picture, bragging about all her accomplishments over the years…

The feelings of being inadequate — and less than whole — started flowing over me so fast that I felt like I was free-falling back to the past. 

My friendship with Cassandra was very much one-sided.  She would demand so much without giving in return.  The reciprocal aspect of friendship was just not there.  I found myself constantly supplying her with everything she needed (i.e., attention, appreciation, care, forgiveness, adoration, etc.), and I got nothing back.  She controlled every aspect of the friendship, to the point that I lost my “self”.  I became but a shadow of her existence. 

I found myself losing so much of myself, that I could no longer see me.  My time with her was saturated with criticism and feelings of unworthiness and insignificance.  I started to believe that I was not worthy of respect, admiration, empathy, care, attention, etc.  I came to believe that I could not exist outside of her friendship.  My inner light disappeared in her shadow. 

The times I tried to equal out the relationship, Cassandra would become critical and even more demanding and controlling — accusing me of being selfish and of betraying her friendship.  Not to lose her friendship, I always ended up apologizing and allowing her to take control of things, once again.

As in this dream, she never considered my feelings or needs in her actions.  She didn’t put my comfort or well-being on the same level as hers. 

I had enough of the dream and abruptly ended it.  As I woke up, the dream left me cold and uncomfortable — much like Cassandra’s friendship did.

I know why Cassandra bombarded my dreams on this lazy Saturday morning.  An acquaintance recently ran into her and emailed me that Cassandra was back in town, after being away for a number of years.  She just wanted to let me know that Cassandra was back, thinking that I’d like to reconnect with an old friend… since we were so close.

All of this reminds me that I didn’t handle that “breakup” well.  I never told Cassandra how she made me feel.  I never told her how her superior and condescending tone made me feel less than whole, how her constant criticism made me question my true worth, how being in her presence made me cry inside.

No, I never told her these things.  I just lessened my interactions with her, until one day I stopped interacting with her at all.  I, literally, disappeared from her sight.  I know she noticed, because she tried reaching out to me a couple of times, but I was afraid of reconnecting with her.  I was afraid of falling into the same pattern.  I was afraid.

Now that she has resurfaced, do I welcome her back to the area and back into my life?  Do I stay hidden?  Do I leave things the way they are? 

I really don’t want to open my door and heart to her again.  It’s awful to say this about another person, but I like my “self” better without her being a part of my life.

But in the dream, I didn’t open my door.  She just walked right in…













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