I Have No Choice

It’s amazing how, when I’ve had a fight with someone — whether it be a family member, friend, co-worker, or stranger — it’s so difficult to concentrate on anything else.  All I do is relive the event… the conversation … the feelings… over and over again. 

Why do I torture myself this way?  Do I think I can change the outcome of the fight by just rewriting the ending to something better?  Do I think I have control of things, like I have control over the characters in my stories?

No, I know I have control over very little.  I only have control over my actions, my thoughts, and my feelings.  I have no control over how others see me, how they treat me, how they react to me… and that’s #$@# frustrating!!! 

But it is what it is.  It’s the natural law of things.  I can’t change it with a keystroke or pen.  All I can do is deal with the situation the best I can… and take one day at a time.

Part of me just wants to give up and walk away; the other part tells me that if I do, I will hurt myself more than I can ever imagine. 

Part of me just wants to remain silent to what I feel; the other part tells me that the only way to feel differently is to break my silence.

I know, in my heart, that remaining silent is not the answer.  The longer the silence exists between us, the harder it is for us to reconnect again.  We start to distrust each other, because we are no longer communicating effectively.  Soon, we may end up no longer communicating at all.  We may decide that it is easier to support indifference toward each other than it is to work at connecting again.

I don’t want that… not yet.  I want to stay connected to you; but I also know that, once I break my silence, conflict and discourse will result.  This, too, is a natural law. 

This is because my self-interest has gotten in the way of your self-interest.  It’s inevitable that one of us will feel that splash of hurt, because our expectation of the other is not being met. 

When this hurt is revealed, I will wish that I had kept my silence.

How do I solve this dilemma?  If I break my silence, I create conflict and I could lose you; if I remain silent, I create resentment and I could lose you.

Which path should I take?  Either one could lead to hurt and loss.  

I don’t know what will happen, but I’m not willing to give up… not yet.  I know tomorrow brings with it another chance to do better — and I’m going to take that chance.

Another thing I know is that I have to trust and accept the consequences of that trust.

Here’s another natural law that cannot be changed.  With trust comes vulnerability and, possibly, betrayal.  But trust is so important to relationships that I have no other choice but to build up my courage to weather the pain that comes with it.  I have to trust and know that I can be hurt in doing so. 

I have no choice in the matter. 

I have no choice…

.