Conflict Resolution — A Theory

Last time, we tried to answer the complicated question regarding how to handle agitated or irate individuals.

Last time, we talked about one of the natural laws of being human:  We, as humans, operate primarily out of our own self-interest — and how our separate perspectives and feeling of “rightness” create barriers to communication and, ultimately, prevents an equitable solution for both parties. 

We are concentrating so hard on getting our individual point of view and needs met, that we ignore the other side’s point of view or needs.  Neither side is willing to listen to the other, which creates the agitation, frustration, and anger.

So, now that we know what DOESN’T work… what should we be doing, instead?

Well, another natural law of being human is the fact that everyone has an internal need to feel understood, validated, appreciated, seen, and heard.  We are social beings; therefore, we need to connect with others.

Logically, if we have this need to be understood, to be validated, to be appreciated, to be seen, to be heard — to be connected to another human being — there has to be another human being out there willing to understand, willing to validate, willing to appreciate, willing to see, willing to  listen.

So, by understanding those two basic principles — that is, everyone operates primarily out of self-interest; and everyone needs to feel understood, validated, appreciated, seen, and heard— we can handle any conflict and agitated people.  Well, that’s the theory…

How does this work?

Well, one of the best ways to calm agitated people down is to let them talk, let them get it all out, and really listen to what they are saying — and I mean really listen.

It’s common for people to think they’re listening to you, but they aren’t.  Instead of listening, their heads are busy formulating their next response to you, thinking to themselves how wrong you are, or doing things other than trying to understand what your perspective is.  They also become so defensive and entrenched in their own perspective that they, literally, can’t hear your point of view.

Now, you know that you don’t have the power to change that other person — no matter how long and loud you yell at them.  The only way to break the cycle is for you to change the way you react and the way you listen to others. 

Simply, don’t do what others do to you.  Resist the urge to interrupt and just let them get it all out. Summarize and repeat back your understanding of what they are saying so they know you’re hearing them, and focus on the emotions they might be feeling.  Keep the focus on them until they calm down and feel better. They will appreciate the focused attention, and this will help them feel understood.

By doing this, you took the time to understand, validate, and appreciate another human being.  The person feels seen and heard.  Now that their basic need is met, they are able to focus on something else… and hopefully, that something else is you.

Once you’ve taken care of their need to be heard and understood, it’s your turn to let your feelings be known.  Communicating your feelings and needs clearly is an important aspect of conflict resolution. 

If you’ve ever said the wrong thing in the heat of the moment, you know that saying the wrong thing can add fuel to the volcano and make a conflict worse.  It is important to remember to say what’s on your mind in a way that is clear and assertive, without being aggressive or putting the other person back on the defensive.  You don’t want to do that, because you’ve just worked so hard to tear down that defensive barrier between the two of you. 

[One effective conflict resolution strategy is to put things in terms of how you feel — using “I feel” statements — rather than what you think the other person is doing wrong.]

Once all the feelings and needs are out in the open, it is time to brainstorm a solution to the conflict. Sometimes the solution is quite clear; other times, it’s more difficult. If a compromise or middle ground cannot be found, then sometimes you can agree to disagree. The important thing in conflict resolution is to come to a place of understanding and try to work things out in a way that’s respectful to all involved.

By the end of that, the person will see that you really tried to help come up with a solution. The person will feel understood, validated, appreciated, seen, and heard—and the person will no longer be agitated…

Well, that’s the theory, anyway.   It’s definitely something that takes lots of practice — but then again, the other way wasn’t working for us, so…

What do we have to lose?  Let’s try it.

.