Porcupines are Porcupines

Do you live with a porcupine?  Do you deal with one at work?  Do you find yourself cornered by one at social functions or in volunteer groups? 

Before you say you’ve never seen a porcupine, let alone ever have run into one in social situations… take a moment to think about it.


Have you dealt with people who are oblivious of the feelings of those around them?  Have you ever had to endure someone making derogatory remarks and needling criticisms in the guise of friendly banter? 

Have you ever met a person who has the annoying habit of constantly asking personal and embarrassing questions?  Have you ever run into an individual with a penetrating, protruding, and intrusive personality?

Have you ever felt compassion for these lonely people?  Have you ever let them close to you, only to be needled by their sharp quills?

Well, then, you have met a porcupine or two in your day! 

Porcupines are slow creatures that have coats of sharp quills that they use to defend themselves. 

Human porcupines are also somewhat slow in the fact that they don’t see how their behavior affects others.  Because they only see things from their own perspective, they become very defensive and use their words and actions to inflect pain to those around them. 

The closer you get to a defensive porcupine, the greater your risk of getting hurt by its quills. 

Porcupines are….well… porcupines.  They are what they are.  You can’t change a porcupine into a soft, cuddly bunny — just like you can’t change another person into someone else.  You only have the power to change yourself.

So, if you ever run into the human version of a porcupine, you have a couple of choices:  stay a safe distance away; be equipped with tweezers, rubbing alcohol, and Band-Aids; develop really thick skin; or wear a lot of protective gear.


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Missing

A friend turned to me as she used to… long ago.
She needed someone to listen to her.
She needed someone to give support.
She needed someone to empathize.
I was able to give her what she’s been missing.

A friend turned to me as she used to… long ago.
She shared her past disappointments.
She shared her future plans.
She shared herself with me.
She gave me what I’ve been missing.

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Who’s Buying What We’re Selling?

I don’t know if you remembered a post back in November — November 1, 2010, to be exact — titled, I know… I know… I KNOW!!!

In that post, I told you about a very kind nun who contacted a Catholic publisher on our behalf, and asked their Head of Acquisitions to review our material. 

I told you how extremely excited we were about this, because we were on our way to being published… but then Katherine — with her level-headedness — brought up a good point. 

Katherine was afraid that if we were picked up by a Christian publisher, we would limit our appeal to a greater audience.  Our overarching goal with Silhouette of a Friendship…From the Inside Out — and all our books — is to reach a general audience that includes people of all kinds, regardless of religious affiliation (or lack thereof).  We had to acknowledge that a Catholic publisher’s niche may restrict our reach and work against our personal mission, which is to reach as many people as possible.

So, I’ve been trying to stay away from clearly Christian publishers.

As you are well aware by now, I do not like this phase of the job — finding and contacting publishers — but it is a job that must be done.  I’ve been avoiding it like the plague, but now I have to get back to it.

Last week, I found a publisher that we haven’t contacted yet, but one who would accept unsolicited manuscripts.  Eureka!!

This combination was all I needed to shoot off a letter and proposal to Oxford, England.

This afternoon, Katherine tells me that that publisher emailed her asking for sample chapters. 

This was the first publisher who actually contacted us and asked to see more — and within a week’s time!!! All the way from England!!!

And, wouldn’t you know it?!  This publisher is the largest independent publisher of books inspired by the Christian faith and its values in the UK.

So, we’re back to where we were in November.  Christian publishers are interested in our materials, but the secular publishers are not — even though character building issues are universal and shouldn’t only be taken up by religious-based groups.

Katherine is disheartened that Christian publishers are biting on this topic and secular publishers aren't.

So, the question begs to be asked.  Why aren’t they?

Why aren’t good character, values, ethics, and integrity seen as worthy subjects to secular publishers?  Why isn’t promoting values worth their time and attention?

The only answer I can come up with is that promoting good character doesn’t promote the publishers’ bottom line.  Values, ethics, relationship building, and integrity do not sell as many books…


Remember when we first started this journey?  We were informed that, in these hard economic times, publishers are not picking up new authors because they want assurance that their efforts will produce profits for them.  As first-time authors, we have no wide media access, no history, no literary following, no marketable credentials, and no funds.  We are no-bodies to the world of publishing.

Add to all of that, we are writing books that support and focus on good character, relationships, values, ethics, and integrity — stuff that secular publishers may think do not sell to the general public — and we’re really do have HUGE hurdles before us…

But, the way we see it, they are only hurdles and not unscalable walls.

We’re betting that these publishers are wrong.  We’re betting that you do value relationships, good character, ethics, and integrity as much as we do.




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Time Travel

Gosh!  If all goes well, you’ll know about this long before you read it here.  If this is the first you’ve heard of it, then something has gone terribly wrong!


Travel back in time, about two months ago… to a chilly Sunday night in December — December 12, 2010… to be exact.

That’s when I’m actually writing this entry.  This won’t be scheduled to post until sometime in February, 2011. 

That’s how far ahead of schedule I am with blogging… or said differently… this is how obsessed and compulsive I am about keeping this project moving forward into the future…

Anyway… writing ahead of schedule is working fine for me.  It allows me to write as often as I want; and it adds some buffer for me for the weeks I don’t feel like writing as often.  There’s no pressure in following a three-times-a-week schedule…

Although it’s a bit like living in two time-zones — months apart — it has been working really well for me, until tonight…

Tonight, my two worlds are colliding.

I want to tell you that Katherine opened a YouTube channel for us.  You can find us on the YouTube website.  Just type in… 2AspiringAuthors (using no spaces)… in YouTube's search engine, and our videos should come up for you.

On the other hand, I’m hoping that you came across the 2AspiringAuthors channel, back in December, when we first posted to it.  I’m hoping that, in December, we announced it on our Facebook accounts…and our friends shared it with their friends and their friends passed it on and on and on…

So, I’m hoping that this isn’t really news to you…

Anyway, I can’t see into the future, so I just have to ask you to travel back in time with me…

This all started back a couple of months ago.  Katherine thought that if we could make some audio clips from our books, then we could share them with others through this blog… and maybe… just maybe… that would generate some interest and support in getting us published… or at least someone might tell someone who might tell someone… who might know someone who had connections with a publisher…

Also, creating audio clips and figuring out how to convert them to video and posting them to YouTube… all that would give me something new and creative to keep me entertained… for a little while, at least.

So, that’s what we’re doing.  Katherine’s the orator, so she’s planning to tape the pieces, and probably replace my audio clips with hers… but in the meantime, I’m fooling around with it… seeing if I can do it and seeing how it all works.    

I really like the creativeness of adding pictures to the readings.  It adds so much to the text… giving the book even more emotion and life.  I’m really excited about it.

So, yeah… even if it doesn’t go anywhere, I’m learning a lot and having fun with it…

Check them out when you have a couple of minutes.  They're pretty short.  Here's one of my favorites.  It asks the age-old question:  How does one regain trust, once it is lost?

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Reaching Out Again

I’m back to the list of publishers for Silhouette of a Friendship… Nothing new to tell you about that process…

I did come across a fabulous website called, Motivating the Teen Spirit (http://www.motivatingtheteenspirit.com/).  The mission of the group is “to empower teens to fall in love with themselves, communicate more effectively, and make integrity-based decisions.”

These are the very things we’re trying to bring out in our books as well. 


The founder, Lisa Nichols, is an internationally known life coach and teacher, motivational speaker, best-selling author, and expert on teen esteem and personal empowerment. 

I reached out to her — as we’ve done with Sam Keen, Stephen Covey, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah, Gayle King, Kelly Ripa, Barbara Walters, etc. — in the hopes that she would take the time and look over our stuff and give us her opinion and guidance. 

It never hurts to ask…

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Planting the Seed

Katherine’s decided to branch out and create presentations and workshops for the business community — to help facilitate better communication and cooperation between employees and employers, between top and lower management, between divisions and departments, etc.

I’m all for it!  We are surrounded by all types of families.  We have the family we're born into and the family we marry into.  There are the families we choose to be a part of, like our family of friends; and then there are our work-families — the people we work with...

Those who are very religious may turn to their church groups for comfort and support; others who feel very strongly about social causes will associate strongly with their political groups.

Each relationship within these different families is unique.  It is important not to treat them all the same, just as it is important not to discount the value of each.  We need all of them to fully appreciate and experience the spectrum of human relationships. 

None of them should be taken for granted, nor should one be mistaken or act as a substitute for any other.  Each has a role in discovering where we came from and who we choose to become.

I believe all of this… to my detriment.

I believe that everyone strives to treat each other with respect and kindness.  I believe that each member cares for each other and wants to support each other.  I believe that family members want to work together to create something greater than themselves.  I believe that everyone desires to be a member of a trusting and fulfilling relationship — no matter what form it takes.

Yes, I believe all of this… to my detriment.

You see… I have a very protective nature.  If a family member is being mistreated, I step in to protect.

I never stop and think of the harm that may befall me.  I never stop and think that the family member may not want my protection. I never stop and think that I can’t change the situation for the better.

I just step in because I believe that we should stand up for each other.

Yes, I believe all of this… to my detriment.

The toughest place to live my beliefs is at work.  Currently, corporate America does not function as a family unit.  Competition and the survival-of-the-fittest model rule the roost.  Co-workers do not trust or respect each other.  They blame others for the consequences of their own actions.  The distrust that is fostered between management and employees, between departments and divisions — and even within departments and divisions — works against synergy.

Yes. It’s difficult to live my beliefs at the workplace, but I try… to my detriment.

I’m completely outnumbered by those who play the corporate game.

I’m look upon as some type of oddity at work, because I treat people with respect. 

I’m seen as a balanced and stable person — as if that is a bad thing (?) — because I don’t react to the chronic chaos that permeates the environment that surrounds me.  I don’t overly react to things around me, because I trust that everything will work out the way it’s meant to be. 

No, I’m not the person people come to for the latest gossip, but I am the person they come to when they need a listening ear.  I’m not the person they acknowledge or thank when things go right, but I am the person they come to when things go wrong.

All of this would be well worth it, if only I knew I was making a difference… if only I knew they were listening… if only I knew my actions were influencing others to change.

I’m not given that type of reassurance… but, as Katherine reminds me, “All we can do is plant the seed.  One day, the seed will grow.  That is our hope.”


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The Lost Art of Reassurance

Just the other day, I reassured a friend that what she accomplishes on a daily basis is truly amazing.  On an ordinary day, she knows this… but on this particular day, she had doubts — doubts enough to question her life’s work. 

Something that should have been a great triumph for her gave way to self-doubt… all because she accomplished something her team members could not.  Instead of congratulating her for pulling the team through a difficult situation, her teammates chose to criticize her. After all the time, effort, and dedication she put it for the team, they chose to criticize her.  This hurt her deeply. Wouldn’t it hurt you?

As social beings, we are constantly looking for reassurance.  We crave it when it is absent; we feel less than whole when it is missing; we doubt ourselves when it is withheld.

We look for reassurance from our employers, from our co-workers, from our families, from our friends, from our partners, and from ourselves. 

Reassurance is one of the greatest gifts we can give each other.  Reassurance breeds acceptance, begets confidence, and spawns respect. 

Reassurance is easy to give; it doesn’t cost anything; it is in abundant supply.

Yes, it is amazing how easy it is to reassure each other… and how distressing and depressing it is that so few do it.

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The Magic of Music

Lots of people know that I sing in a choir, but very few people know that I play the piano.  Even fewer have heard me play.  This has to do with the reason that I play… more than anything else.

Whether I’m singing, listening to others, or playing it myself, music has the ability to speak to my heart… has the ability to dispel my doubts… has the ability to calm my fears.

Since I’ve been consumed with these writing projects of ours, I haven’t found the time to play as much as I use to.  Now, in my attempt to curb my impatience regarding these writing projects, I’ve been talking to my old friend again, by pulling out comforting songs that I use to play.

I’m a bit disheartened to find that my fingers have — temporarily — forgotten how to flow over the keys… like they use to.  I have to accept that it’ll be a while before the music can bring me the peace I’m longing for...

But I know that the peace is there… hidden in the pieces.  I just need to free the music from the pages.  When I free the music, I’ll free myself. 

Yes, music has always given me whatever I’ve needed from it — whether it be peace, joy, comfort, calmness, patience, strength, determination, reassurance, etc.  Whatever I feel at the time will pour out from me and onto the keyboard.  Once it transforms into music, the music will speak to my heart; all I have to do is listen to what it’s telling me.  It'll become a type of cleansing for me — very emotional and spiritual. 

Yes, very few people know that I play the piano.  Even fewer have heard me play.  This has to do with the reason that I play…

Today, I’m longing for patience and peace — the peace that comes from knowing I’m right where I’m supposed to be… doing what I’m meant to do… and that I’m not wasting my time on this endeavor of ours.

Yes... very few people know that I play the piano.  Even fewer have heard me play. 



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The Missing Love Language: Worry

Something happened just the other day that reminded me of the book, The Five Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman.

In his book, Gary talks about how everyone has a different personality and perception of life; therefore it makes sense that, since each think and feel differently, there must be different ways of communicating those thoughts and feelings. 

Dr. Chapman takes on the challenge of identifying the different love languages we use to show our love for one another.  He lists five in his book:  words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch. 

These love languages are used in combination, because there is no way one language can express the variety, intensity, and maturity that are communicated when you share your love with another.

The good doctor even developed a little test in the book to help you identify what your and your loved ones’ basic love languages are, which is extremely helpful — especially if you’re constantly speaking one language and your loved one is speaking another. 

This would be similar to… well, when someone speaks to you in Spanish, and you don’t speak or understand Spanish.  The message just doesn’t get conveyed.

How does this translate into love languages?  Well, let’s say a husband keeps surprising his wife with gifts, thinking that those gifts of love will show his love for her. 

What if, in his wife’s mind, those gifts he brings her — instead of affirming his love for her — actually makes her question his love for her? 

Instead of love, she may see a guilty conscience, a payoff, or possibly… betrayal. 

That’s, definitely, not the message the husband was going for… 

If he had only known that she would much rather have his time and attention than the purchased gifts — that she would rather have his presence than his presents — his message of love would have been happily received.

Anyway… my main purpose of introducing the concept of The Five Love Languages is that I think Dr. Chapman missed one language.  I’m a little surprised that he missed it, because I run into all the time… but I think he missed it, because HE’s not a mother.

I'm intimately aware of this sixth one because it’s the love language my mother speaks most frequently.  Interestingly enough, most mothers speak the same language — that missing language of love:  WORRY.

It’s not a particular healthy or positive love language to speak.  And I encourage everyone to avoid it as much as possible.  There are much healthier, happier, and trusting ways of showing your love to others — and I've named five of them, already — than to worry about them... constantly.

If that’s all you speak, it can be draining on you, your loved ones, and your relationship.  Worry causes ulcers; worry causes stress; worry causes an ordinary person to turn into a person who is all consumed and obsessed about the well-being of another human being…

It also restricts the freedom and privacy of the loved one.  For example, if I don’t return my mother’s phone call quick enough, she’s calling my social network to find out if  I’m OK… because she’s worried that something terrible has happened to me. 

Yes, that’s a loving gesture, but her act of love has now forced me to — not only apologize to her for me being in the bathroom when she first called — but to touch base with everyone I know to reassure them that all is well with me… and that I did not fall into the toilet.

As I said, this can be draining on the worrier, the loved one, and the relationship.

AND… trying to reassure a worrier that everything is alright… Good luck with that!

Saying, “Don’t worry so much,” to a worrier is like saying, “Don’t love me so much.”  

What was meant to be reassuring only creates more anxiety… more worry. 

And that’s, definitely, not the message I was going for… 

It’s all soooo draining…

So, if you're a worrier, please, do us all a favor... Don't worry so much.

There are five other love languages that you can use... that will give you much better results.

Trust me.

Don't worry.

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Not All Fun Stuff

It’s the weekend, and that’s the most time I have to work on the book and writing projects, but I’m really bummed that I’ve run out of the creative and fun stuff to do.  That’s what weekends are suppose to be made of, right?  Fun stuff?

But I’m left with the stuff I hate, Hate, HATE doing. 

I have to go back to our first book, Silhouette of a Friendship… and deal with the list of publishers again…Yuck!

I’ve tried to get out of it, but there’s nothing I can think of that I can do instead…



I’ve already promised myself that I wasn’t going to work on the second children’s book anymore, until Katherine finishes reading it — and besides, three possible versions of it are quite enough.  I can’t move on with the first children’s book until we get some feedback from our readers.   I can’t go any further on the third children’s book until we work out the problems with the second one.  I’ve gone as far as I can with the teen book.  Katherine has some additions that she wants to include in that one.

So, if I want to feel productive this weekend and work on this project, I’m left with the list of publishers for Silhouette… 

There are a couple of publishers that I can send off emails with query letters and samples, but most of them need mailers and hardcopy versions of the manuscript.  I just don’t have the patience and resources to deal with mailers today. 

There’s one publisher that has irritated me above all others.  This publisher has authors fill out an online form for submitting their ideas.  That would be fine, if we weren’t restricted to only 200 characters — 200 characters — not 200 words, but 200 characters… counting each letter and space.  That’s basically two sentences.  How can I adequately describe our concept in only 2 sentences?!  GGRRRR!!!

Yeah…just another example of why I hate this side of things, but it has to be done…







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Pickle of a Mess

I think I’ve written myself into a pickle of a mess. 

I’ve gone too far. 

It’s back to the drawing board.

Katherine and I met for one of our writing project meetings.  It’s become the habit to have her read out loud, so we can hear the flow of things.  In this last meeting, she’s reading the second children’s book.

We got through about half of the book before she had to head home.  So far, she really likes the story… but she sees a potential problem.

The tone of the book matches a 9 year old’s level, but Katherine’s afraid that the concepts in the book are more appropriate for 12 and up.   She’s telling me this BEFORE she’s even read the last part of the book, which (in my opinion) may be more of a problem than the part she’s read.

Yeah… I’ve written myself into a pickle of a mess…

Again, she likes the story, but she’s not 9 years old, nor is she 12 years old.  She’s thinking that the second book is going to be difficult to market… Do we market it to 9 year olds and dilute the story?  Do I bring up the tone’s level and market it to 12 year olds?

The second book starts right where the first book leaves off, so bringing the second book to a 12 year old’s level will create problems with the transition from the first book to the second book…

Yeah… I’ve written myself into a pickle of a mess…

Again, all this is guess work at this point.  We don’t really know how much a 9 year old can comprehend compared to a 12 year old.  And every child is different.  Some 9 year olds may get it, while some 12 year olds may not.  Even some adults may not get it.  It’s just all guess work at this point. 

This is where the testing and feedback from the young readers are invaluable.  That will tell me if I’ve gone too far… and if my writing hand’s stuck in the pickle jar or not.  

Granted, we haven’t gotten feedback from the first book yet, but once Katherine’s son finishes the first one, we can ask him if he’s willing to help us with the second one… 

As you know, patience isn’t a virtue I possess.  If you introduce a problem to me, I want to fix it… and fix it now.

I have to keep reminding myself that we’re not even sure there IS a problem or anything to fix… not just yet.

You should know me by now.  The fact that a problem doesn’t exist yet doesn’t stop me from trying to solve it. 

So, I’ve come up with three versions of the same book…

• The first version is the original… in all its twists and conflicts.  I, personally, like this version best… but I’m neither 9 nor 12.
• The second version changes the last section of the book.  The first half remains the same and has enough conflict and lessons to carry the book.  I’m hoping that rewriting the last part will keep the book alive.
• The third version takes out most of the conflicts that lives within the pages of the second book.  Once I take the conflicts out, I take out the lessons that went along with the conflicts.  By doing that, the book becomes void of purpose, void of emotion, and void of life.  I do not like this third version… and I don’t care if I’m not 9 or 12.  I do not like it!  I do not like it!  I do not like it!

So, if we can’t use either the first or second version, I will go back to the drawing board and rework the book to bring it back to life. 

But I can’t administer this form of CPR until I know the patient really needs it.

So, all I can do is wait… and continue to take its pulse…

I need to let Katherine actually finish reading the book and get her opinion.  I need to let our 9 year old readers review the book and get their diagnosis…

I can’t do anything but wait.

Yeah… patience isn’t one of my virtues…

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The Ethical Will

I guess the best way of summing up what we're attempting to do with our various books is that we're trying to define and share our ethical legacy with you. 

Many do this through an ethical will; and, although we may have gone about it in a different way, we're doing the same type of thing.

An ethical will isn’t a new concept, but one that is rarely discussed around the dinner table at home or the water cooler at work… or in the doctor’s, accountant’s, or lawyer’s office… or even in the church parking lot.

An ethical will is used to pass on insight and love to future generations.  It can include family history and cultural and spiritual values; blessings and expressions of love; hopes and dreams for children and grandchildren; life-lessons and wisdom of life experience; requests for forgiveness for regretted actions; the rationale for philanthropic and personal financial decisions; stories about meaningful issues; clarification about and personalization of advance health directives; and requests for ways to be remembered after death, etc.

Many of us — as responsible adults — spend much of our time contemplating how to provide for our loved ones… now and after we’ve passed away.  We want to leave this world with the peace of mind of knowing that we’ve done the best we could for our families…

We work hard at creating our financial worth and then defining how it would be spent once we can no longer spend it ourselves.  We make time out of our busy schedules to meet with accountants and attorneys to outline such wishes.

Our self-worth becomes so tied up in how much money and property we’ve managed to gather around us… that it’s easy to ignore the essence of our “selves”. 

We spend so much time preparing our financial legacy that that’s all we see as having to give to our loved ones.

What else would you like to pass on to the next generation? 

Wouldn’t you like to pass on your ethical legacy as well as your financial legacy? 

Would you like to share the lessons that took you a lifetime to learn?  Aren’t such lessons just as valuable as the estate that we’ve accumulated over the years? 

Do you have silent hopes and dreams for your loved ones?  Are there feelings of love and forgiveness you want to share?  Aren’t these things much more valuable than the money and property we’re so desperately preserving for future generations?

It’s just something to think about; and something that doesn't have to wait  — until after you're gone —  to be shared...



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