The Missing Love Language: Worry

Something happened just the other day that reminded me of the book, The Five Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman.

In his book, Gary talks about how everyone has a different personality and perception of life; therefore it makes sense that, since each think and feel differently, there must be different ways of communicating those thoughts and feelings. 

Dr. Chapman takes on the challenge of identifying the different love languages we use to show our love for one another.  He lists five in his book:  words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch. 

These love languages are used in combination, because there is no way one language can express the variety, intensity, and maturity that are communicated when you share your love with another.

The good doctor even developed a little test in the book to help you identify what your and your loved ones’ basic love languages are, which is extremely helpful — especially if you’re constantly speaking one language and your loved one is speaking another. 

This would be similar to… well, when someone speaks to you in Spanish, and you don’t speak or understand Spanish.  The message just doesn’t get conveyed.

How does this translate into love languages?  Well, let’s say a husband keeps surprising his wife with gifts, thinking that those gifts of love will show his love for her. 

What if, in his wife’s mind, those gifts he brings her — instead of affirming his love for her — actually makes her question his love for her? 

Instead of love, she may see a guilty conscience, a payoff, or possibly… betrayal. 

That’s, definitely, not the message the husband was going for… 

If he had only known that she would much rather have his time and attention than the purchased gifts — that she would rather have his presence than his presents — his message of love would have been happily received.

Anyway… my main purpose of introducing the concept of The Five Love Languages is that I think Dr. Chapman missed one language.  I’m a little surprised that he missed it, because I run into all the time… but I think he missed it, because HE’s not a mother.

I'm intimately aware of this sixth one because it’s the love language my mother speaks most frequently.  Interestingly enough, most mothers speak the same language — that missing language of love:  WORRY.

It’s not a particular healthy or positive love language to speak.  And I encourage everyone to avoid it as much as possible.  There are much healthier, happier, and trusting ways of showing your love to others — and I've named five of them, already — than to worry about them... constantly.

If that’s all you speak, it can be draining on you, your loved ones, and your relationship.  Worry causes ulcers; worry causes stress; worry causes an ordinary person to turn into a person who is all consumed and obsessed about the well-being of another human being…

It also restricts the freedom and privacy of the loved one.  For example, if I don’t return my mother’s phone call quick enough, she’s calling my social network to find out if  I’m OK… because she’s worried that something terrible has happened to me. 

Yes, that’s a loving gesture, but her act of love has now forced me to — not only apologize to her for me being in the bathroom when she first called — but to touch base with everyone I know to reassure them that all is well with me… and that I did not fall into the toilet.

As I said, this can be draining on the worrier, the loved one, and the relationship.

AND… trying to reassure a worrier that everything is alright… Good luck with that!

Saying, “Don’t worry so much,” to a worrier is like saying, “Don’t love me so much.”  

What was meant to be reassuring only creates more anxiety… more worry. 

And that’s, definitely, not the message I was going for… 

It’s all soooo draining…

So, if you're a worrier, please, do us all a favor... Don't worry so much.

There are five other love languages that you can use... that will give you much better results.

Trust me.

Don't worry.

.