Cut the Strings Tied to Caring*

Everyone tells me that I'm a great listener and confidant; and because of that, they share their problems with me.

They come to me utterly frustrated, exhausted, and powerless.  I can hear the love, the caring, and the pain in their voices as they pour out their concerns to me.  I can feel their suffering as they beg me to solve their problems for them. 

I’m honored that so many are comfortable in sharing their concerns with me; I’m flattered that they think that I have the power to solve their problems; and I’m humbled by my inability to give them what they want.

Luckily, the issues they are agonizing over are not life-threatening.  In fact, the problems they’re bringing me are not even their problems.  The problems they bring me are the consequences of actions and choices of another, which is why my friends are feeling so lost and powerless…

The best thing I can do is to help them realize that what’s happening around them is not happening to them, but is actually happening to someone else — and is the natural result of the choices made by that other person. 

That’s the biggest hurdle for us to get over, especially when we care so much for another. 

It’s hard to watch loved ones in trouble and not be able to stop the spiraling cycle they’ve put themselves in.  It feels as if we’re tangled up — right alongside them — struggling to free ourselves from the shackles that are weighing them down.

I think this is why we are so quick to accept blame or fault for another’s predicament.  By accepting blame, we mentally try to take ownership of the situation.  We strap ourselves to the situation, even though we have no business doing so. 

Once we insert ourselves into the middle of things, we start to feel that the problem is all about us.  It becomes our responsibility to right the wrong… to fix the problem… to control the situation. 

This is from where the angst comes. 

We try, disparately, to take ownership of the problem, but it’s not our problem to take.  We want to control the situation, but it’s not our situation to control.  It belongs to another person, and there’s nothing we can do to change that.

We’re constantly overestimating our power to change another person.  We keep trying to change others, and we keep failing. When we fail, we blame ourselves for failing, which propels us to try even harder…

This frustrating and unproductive cycle can only end when we stop trying to change others and concentrate on changing ourselves. 

To do this, we must cut the strings we’ve so masterfully woven around the caring we’ve provided to others. 

We have to work on letting go and letting our loved ones live their own lives — mistakes and all. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not suggesting that we stop caring for each other.  I’m not suggesting that we cut contact from our loved ones.

 No.  I’m suggesting that we shift the way we care for each other.  We have to stop stepping in and taking over; and, instead, we need to step back and allow them to take on the consequences of their own actions.

We can’t protect our loved ones from life, but we can prepare them for it.  We can give them the tools and confidence to take on the challenges that are ahead of them. 

Once we’ve taught them how to fly, we must muster up enough courage to cut the strings and let them fly on their own… and in whatever direction they choose to go.

*Adapted excerpt from our book....

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