I Failed Miserably Today

I can't believe that I fell for it!

One of those emailed newsletters came to my box, today.  The subject line read:  Are Your Co-Workers Driving You Crazy?

Of course, I had to open the email, because my co-workers are driving me crazy.  I wanted to see if this newsletter had any useful hints to keep me sane in the midst of all this insanity.

And, of course, the newsletter had no helpful hints.  In fact, it had nothing to do with co-workers driving you crazy.  Instead, it was advertizing some accounting website promoting online seminars having to do with taxes — which is something else that would drive me insane.

So, I guess I should count myself among the lucky that I only have to deal with co-workers driving me crazy. 

Case in point:

I had an… encounter… with a co-worker this afternoon that I wished had gone better.  

It was my own fault.  I had forgotten the natural law that I cannot change another person;  I can only change myself. 

This co-worker, "Jack," is relatively new to our division, although not new to the company. 

In his previous position, he had worked on one project — actually, the same project…year after year after year.  As you can imagine, after he reworked that project to his heart’s content and made it “his own,” all the challenge was squeezed out of it.  He became bored and wanted to transfer out of that division and into ours.

That was a year ago.  Over that time, I’ve come to know him as a very conscientious and detailed-oriented employee. Coming from a military background, he is very regimental and unyielding in his opinions — and he is a perfectionist… a very regimental and unyielding perfectionist.

Now, unlike Jack’s previous division, our division — which is now his division — deals with more than 400 different projects and we’re adding more every period.  We don’t have the luxury of unlimited time and resources to work and rework each project to perfection.  We need to do the best we can to spread our limited time and resources over the 400 projects and release them within the deadlines assigned.  By focusing on what’s important — and eliminating what’s unimportant — we can produce high quality products, effectively and efficiently.

Jack is having a difficult time grasping this cost-benefit concept, which is ironic, since he is a CPA (i.e., an accountant). 

He’s not embracing the necessity for “balance” between quality and time/resource constraints.   When he is given a project, he feels it necessary to make it his own.  In doing so, he revamps every page, every line, and every period and semicolon — ignoring whatever was done before him.  Every minute detail — important and unimportant — is dissected.  He works and reworks the project to his heart’s content, taking more and more time and resources for his one project… leaving the rest of us juggling the other 399+ projects.

So, today, since our supervisor was out of the office, Jack came to me, asking for guidance and my opinion on the one new project he was assigned. 

The project he was given was one that just needed a quick review to be released.  It didn’t need anything more than that.  Our supervisor had explained all of this to him, but he didn’t agree with her assessment (even though she’s been doing this for more than 15 years).  He wanted to revamp the whole project… rework every page, every line, and every period and semicolon… to make it his own. 

He asked my opinion… and I gave it to him.  I had hoped that possibly… maybe… perhaps… hopefully… I could help Jack embrace the idea of increasing his productivity by embracing the idea of focusing on the important things instead of wasting valuable time and resources on striving for perfection on unimportant things.

There’s actually a principle at work here.  It’s called the 80/20 Rule, also known as the Pareto Principle or the Law of the Vital Few.

If Jack would relax his regimental and unyielding perfectionism, he can actually produce five high quality projects in the same amount of time he’s spending to revamp one project.

I tried explaining this to Jack, but I failed miserably. 

Although he admits that no matter how much time he spends on a project, he never feels that it’s “perfect.”  Even knowing this, he refuses to give up on that unattainable goal — no matter what it costs. 

Sadly, he doesn’t see the total cost of his behavior.  He doesn’t see how his individual actions affect the rest of the team… how the rest of us have to pick up the slack for his...well, his ego.

Yep... I tried my best today and failed miserably.

And I failed because I expected my co-worker to change...

Yet another reminder that:  We constantly overestimate our abilities to change others, just as much as we underestimate our abilities to change ourselves.

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Cut the Strings Tied to Caring*

Everyone tells me that I'm a great listener and confidant; and because of that, they share their problems with me.

They come to me utterly frustrated, exhausted, and powerless.  I can hear the love, the caring, and the pain in their voices as they pour out their concerns to me.  I can feel their suffering as they beg me to solve their problems for them. 

I’m honored that so many are comfortable in sharing their concerns with me; I’m flattered that they think that I have the power to solve their problems; and I’m humbled by my inability to give them what they want.

Luckily, the issues they are agonizing over are not life-threatening.  In fact, the problems they’re bringing me are not even their problems.  The problems they bring me are the consequences of actions and choices of another, which is why my friends are feeling so lost and powerless…

The best thing I can do is to help them realize that what’s happening around them is not happening to them, but is actually happening to someone else — and is the natural result of the choices made by that other person. 

That’s the biggest hurdle for us to get over, especially when we care so much for another. 

It’s hard to watch loved ones in trouble and not be able to stop the spiraling cycle they’ve put themselves in.  It feels as if we’re tangled up — right alongside them — struggling to free ourselves from the shackles that are weighing them down.

I think this is why we are so quick to accept blame or fault for another’s predicament.  By accepting blame, we mentally try to take ownership of the situation.  We strap ourselves to the situation, even though we have no business doing so. 

Once we insert ourselves into the middle of things, we start to feel that the problem is all about us.  It becomes our responsibility to right the wrong… to fix the problem… to control the situation. 

This is from where the angst comes. 

We try, disparately, to take ownership of the problem, but it’s not our problem to take.  We want to control the situation, but it’s not our situation to control.  It belongs to another person, and there’s nothing we can do to change that.

We’re constantly overestimating our power to change another person.  We keep trying to change others, and we keep failing. When we fail, we blame ourselves for failing, which propels us to try even harder…

This frustrating and unproductive cycle can only end when we stop trying to change others and concentrate on changing ourselves. 

To do this, we must cut the strings we’ve so masterfully woven around the caring we’ve provided to others. 

We have to work on letting go and letting our loved ones live their own lives — mistakes and all. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not suggesting that we stop caring for each other.  I’m not suggesting that we cut contact from our loved ones.

 No.  I’m suggesting that we shift the way we care for each other.  We have to stop stepping in and taking over; and, instead, we need to step back and allow them to take on the consequences of their own actions.

We can’t protect our loved ones from life, but we can prepare them for it.  We can give them the tools and confidence to take on the challenges that are ahead of them. 

Once we’ve taught them how to fly, we must muster up enough courage to cut the strings and let them fly on their own… and in whatever direction they choose to go.

*Adapted excerpt from our book....

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I’m Ready to Get Back to Writing Again

I’m ready to leave all this administrative stuff behind me again. 

I’m ready to leave the correspondence with publishers to someone else.

I’m ready to jump back into my creative world and leave the rest of the world to fend for itself.

In corresponding with several publishers, it’s become quite clear that they base their decisions on a quick scan of bits and pieces of materials—just enough to see if the book fits their specific need for the moment.

That UK publisher — who saw everything in a negative light and who needed a relationship book — emailed back.  She felt our relationship book wasn’t a relationship book… because it included friendship as an important relationship.  They’ve been working long and hard on another friendship book and didn’t want to stop work on that one to start all over with ours.

I totally understand where the UK publisher is coming from. I didn’t want to start over and rework a bunch of new book proposal packages… for goodness sakes!

What I find… disheartening… is that she couldn’t see how our book was about relationships.  Yes, it included friendship in its relationship spectrum, but why should that prevent the book from being about relationships?

As we explain in our book:

Everyone knows that strong relationships are essential for a healthy and happy life.  From the moment we’re born, we begin to learn about ourselves through interactions with those around us.  Our very self-worth is tied to what others think, see, and share. 


For the majority of us, our first experience with relationships is through family interactions.  It is through the family’s bond that we, as children, take our first steps toward physical security and emotional connections.  Although these are our first close connections, these relationships are —for the most part — chosen for us.  We don’t have an active role in selecting our family. 


As we mature, we venture out from the comfort of our family circle.  It is during this exploration that we learn more about ourselves and how we affect others. 

The first relationship we actually choose for ourselves is a friendship.  We actively seek out and develop a close connection with persons outside of our family unit.  In friendships, we’re able to explore and cultivate our skills in relating, communicating, trusting, respecting, and sustaining quality relationships.  A close friendship is our introduction to developing and sustaining an intimate and lasting relationship. 


Sadly, some have mistaken friendships as something to be discarded — like training wheels after learning to ride a bike.  Although always beneficial, many treat friendships as something less than a “real” relationship — only to be seen as training wheels to a “real relationship.” 


Many don’t even realize how powerful, empowering, and intimate a close friendship can be.  They don’t realize how a friendship can infuse a person’s life with the energy, encouragement, support, and love needed to light their way through their darkest hours.


Yes.  A close friendship is a relationship that contains the power to do this. 

All this makes me stop and think:  Maybe this “negative” UK publisher is searching for something more than just a relationship book to fill their publishing needs…

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I Messed Up!

I was jolted out of bed this morning, realizing that I royally messed up!

I had prepared those @#$@#$ book proposals the other night and just screwed things up.

Maybe it’s because I hate, Hate, HATE doing this part of the process…

Maybe it’s because I am so tired and burned out with this…

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to receive any more “encouraging letters of hope”…

WHATEVER the reason, in the early morning hours — long before the sun woke up — it struck me that I had addressed the SASE (self-addressed stamped envelopes) backwards.  If used the way I addressed them, the encouraging letters of hope would simply end up back on the publishers’ doorsteps.

I feel like such an idiot!!!

If only I could right my wrong, myself… then no one would know my stupidity, but I can’t.

I had already handed over the packages to Katherine to be mailed.  I’ll have to call her — at some more reasonable hour (but before she starts her errands and mails these packages) — to confess my stupidity and have her right my wrong for me.

I hate, Hate, HATE this part of the process.  Have I told you that before?

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I hate Hate HATE This Part!

As I told you earlier, I researched, organized, printed, and put together bunches of book proposal packages to be mailed out… wanting them to arrive as close to those I emailed, so everyone has the same amount of time to look over our stuff.

During this process, I reached out to one of the publishers who had showed interest in the first version of the friendship book — the one in the UK, who had decided not to pursue our project because they had another friendship book scheduled for this year. 

I explained that we had revamped the book to encompass various types of relationships and added self-discovery sections to the book.  We were resending the book out to other publishers and just wanted to give them an opportunity to look at the new version, in case they were interested and  their schedule was open…

They emailed back, immediately, saying that their other relationship book ran into a problem, so they were interested in looking at ours again. 

But the editor didn’t like the title of the second version.  She thought it was too negative.  Both Katherine and I felt it was very positive, and I explained why; but we respected her feedback.  A good title is essential to the book and, together, we could come up with a great title….

The editor admitted that she didn’t like the title of the first book either.  She felt it was too negative.

O…..K….

At this point, I just left it alone, because I got the feeling that no matter what I came up with, she was going to see the title as being “negative.”  I just left it that I’m sure we can come up with a great title when the time comes…

My biggest concern was:  What was I going to do with all these mailers that are ready to go out?!!!

Do I throw out all my work and stop the path that we’re on, because this editor didn’t like the revised title or the first title—and who is having “a problem” with another author? 

Will this new title actually stop others from reading our proposal and sample chapters?

If we hold up the mailers until we can agree on a new title, how long will that take?  And I’ve already sent out a bunch of emailers with the other title….

And all my work in setting the mailers up, in printing will have to be redone.  I’m stuck doing the thing that I absolutely hate, Hate, HATE!   I’m beginning to feel like that hamster running in its exercise wheel — running and running, but getting nowhere.

GGGGRRRRR!!!  I was just so… so… frustrated, that I wanted to scream… but instead, I texted Katherine.

She likes “most” of the title we have.  She only wanted to change ONE word in it… 

But whether we change one word, five words, or the whole #$@#$ title, I would still have to redo everything and reprint everything.  All that time and effort… wasted. 

Katherine stopped my downward spiraling by suggesting that we just add a note to each of the mailers, explaining that we were thinking about changing the title of the book, but thought of it after everything was printed.  This additional note would prevent us from having to redo everything, and if the publishers didn’t like the title, they would know we’re changing it…. and if they liked the title as is, then no harm done.

Cool!!!  So, that’s what we’re doing… along with keeping our fingers crossed.

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Out with the Old!

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OK, my little tantrum and pity party is over from the other day. 

I brooded my way through the list of publishers again.  I emailed more than a dozen, and prepared mailers for another nine publishers.  

Then I did something really constructive.  I went through my stack of papers from all the writing projects, and filled my recycle bin with papers and copies of the “old versions” of the friendship book, of the teen book, and of the children’s books. 

Since each book has to be redone, to follow the new format we’ve created with the friendship book, there was no reason for me to hold on to what’s no longer usable. 

That de-cluttering project helped me let go of the past and move on to the new path we’re undertaking.  As I threw away all the papers, I freed myself to move forward.

After all, you get nowhere looking back to something that cannot be. 

Just keep looking ahead and moving forward.

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I Want to Scream!

This afternoon, Katherine and I finished finalizing the query letter and book proposal for the rewrite of the relationship book along with selecting the sample chapters to send to the publishers.

This process is so hard — trying to convince publishers to take a chance on first-time authors.

Yes, we knew from the start that we had huge hurdles to jump.  In these hard economic times, publishers are not picking up new authors because they want assurance that their efforts will produce profits for them.  As first-time authors, we have no wide media access, no history, no literary following, no marketable credentials, and no funds.  We are no-bodies to the world of publishing.

If only we can convince a publisher to take a chance on us… but how can we accomplish that?

So, as we start sending out query letters out again, I’m back, asking the same questions I did months and months and months ago…

How do you persuade another person to listen to you
When that person isn’t interested in what you have to say?

How do you give yourself to another person
When that person isn’t aware of what you have to give?

How do you show another person your passion
When that person doesn’t see you standing there?

How do you open another person’s mind
When that person’s mind is locked from the inside?

How do you touch another person’s heart
When that heart is full of material things?

How do you convince another person of your value
When that person values money over relationships?

How do you reach people like these
When you can’t even get their attention?

How?

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A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Well, we did it.  We wrote up our pitch to the TODAY show and Marlo Thomas.  I would have sent it out last week, but Katherine wanted to attach pictures of us with the submission.  She said they would help with the marketing of us.

Ummm…. Maybe a picture of her would, but not of me…  I don’t like my picture taken.  It feels and looks like I’m standing in front of a firing squad.  I don’t even own a camera; I run from them; I’ll volunteer to take everyone’s picture, just so I’m not in it.  If I’m forced to be in a picture, I position myself just outside the lens’ reach; or I’m the one in the back, behind everyone else.  On a windy day, you may see a strand of my hair sticking out from behind someone else, if you’re lucky.

So, I’m totally against this idea, which doesn’t stop Katherine.  Whenever I say, “No,” by the time the “No” reaches Katherine’s ear… somehow… in her head… a challenge is born.  She doesn’t stop until she gets me to change my mind…  She’s very persuasive.

What once was a two-letter, one-word sentence, “No”— after Katherine gets through with me — turns into a string of …

No… No… but… but… I don’t like… I don’t want to… maybe… but… well, if you think it’s best… fine… fine… let’s just get this thing over with…

Once she convinced me that we needed the pictures, we had to find time where we’re in the same place together to take these blasted shots.  

The first couple of pictures she took of me were in front of one of those short palm trees, in a parking lot.  Those were not attractive shots.  Standing in front of the tree had me looking like a peacock, with a palm limb or two poking up my butt. 

After that fiasco, we decided to stick with having the two of us in the picture together.  At least I wouldn’t feel and look so… uncomfortable…

So, I met Katherine at her house after work one day, and she took some “action” shots with her computer and webcam.  We just sat around her kitchen table, laughing and talking, and she captured some of that.

I’m happy with the shot we took together, because it captured our friendship and personalities in the picture…

Katherine wanted to add individual shots.  I encouraged her to send shots of herself, but leave me out of them…

Luckily, we ran out of time before she could change my mind…again.

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