The Lady in Red

Something very interesting played out at work this week.

I was walking into the kitchen and noticed a co-worker wearing a bright red blouse, black pants, and red shoes.

I commented on her outfit, “I like your red top and shoes. This must be “red” week or something. I noticed that Julie came all in red on Monday, and then she wore red pants the next day. And today, you’re wearing a red top with red shoes.” 

 Alice smiled and shrugged.  “Well, I guess it’s just a power day.”

I said, “Well, I think because red is such a powerful color, that subconsciously you were predisposed to red, because Julie came in on Monday — as the Lady in Red — and then, she came in the next day with red pants.  That red color stuck with you, and today, while looking in your closet, you subconsciously gravitated toward the red.”

Alice politely shrugged me off and went on her way.

I knew she didn’t believe me.  I knew she thought I was a little nuts with such a theory, so I followed her into the opened area of the Word Processing room.  I waited for her to sit down at her desk, before I approached her. 

I didn’t say a word.  I just walked up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder to get her attention.  Then I pointed to all the people, in that immediate area, who were wearing some shade of red.

All these people happen to be sitting in the same area as Julie, who was our Lady in Red on Monday.  Julie, of course, had not a stitch of red on her today.

Alice’s eyes registered recognition of what she was seeing.  She started to laugh out loud.

She exclaimed, “Oh my goodness!  I never even noticed!  Look at that!” 

As she explained what was going on to the rest of the group, I walked out, silently.

***

It’s very interesting to me that people have a hard time believing that their actions affect others. 

Everything on this planet is connected in some way.  Every action — every “thing” — has significance to someone—whether we “see” it or not… whether we acknowledge it or not.  Even if we don’t see the connection or significance, it doesn’t mean that the connection doesn't exit. 

I wish more people saw this power within themselves.  I wish more people would recognize how the power of their presence affects others — either in a positive or negative way. 

Since we have the power within us to choose whether to affect others in a positive or negative way, why not make a conscious effort to affect others in a positive way? 

By choosing a positive course of action, we can dispel the darkness in others, while recharging ourselves in the process.

If we truly understood this power within us, we would use it more.  We would take the time to develop it.  We would give it the attention it needs to affect, effect, and infuse others. 

If we only knew the power held in the gifts of focused attention and positive connections, we could use that power to abolish a host of negative and draining emotions and insecurities that live within ourselves and others. 

Even if this is just one of my crazy theories, it’s one worth trying out…

Don’t you think?

.

Primary Relationships

In my last post, I mentioned the term “primary relationship” and I’m afraid that I might have confused some people with that term.

All of us juggle a number of relationships in our daily lives:  family, friends, intimate partners, business partners, associates, casual acquaintances, etc.   Each relationship takes our time, energy, and attention.

Although there isn’t a single universally accepted definition, the term “primary relationship” denotes a high level of involvement you have with another.  Simply put:  Where your attention is, your heart will also be.

This high level of involvement could be an intense, emotional attachment and connection to another person… or it could be formed by financial and living arrangements… or it can be sustained by the sharing of child-rearing responsibilities.

This “high level of involvement” doesn’t necessarily have to involve other people nor does this “involvement” have to be a healthy one.  Various addictions fall into this category — where the only thing that matters to the person is the next fix.  Narcissistic personalities can have a primary relationship with themselves above all others.  [And to clarify:  These are NOT the types of healthy primary relationships I was referring to in the last post.]

For now, let’s focus on couples in primary relationships… 

This high level of involvement between you and your partner places that partner on “top of your relationship list.”  This primary relationship is the relationship that takes precedence over all others.  When that person needs something, you put everyone else “on hold” and take care of that person’s need. 

Now, this works great if both partners are primary partners for each other.  Each knows that the other will be there for the other… above all others.  Their expectations are met by the other.

The problem comes in when we believe we’re in a primary relationship with another, but that other person doesn’t give us that primary status.  We’re not on the top of the relationship list, but mixed somewhere in the middle or bottom.  Because of this, our expectations are not being met.

Let me give you some examples:

Scene 1:

Two people start to date.  After several months, both pledge their love to the other.  For the woman, she begins to build her expectations for the relationship.  She expects to be placed on the top of his relationship list — above his mother, father, sisters, male friends, sports events, computer games, etc. 

For the man, he sees himself picking up a new and developing relationship that he fits into his already full schedule.  This new relationship is not treated as a primary relationship, but as one of many that he deals with throughout his day. 

As the relationship evolves, the woman presses for more of his attention, and the more she presses the more he pulls away.  Her persistent requests for his time and attention are viewed as nagging, clinging, and needy.  Stress and frustrations develop between the two because expectations aren’t being met. 

Scene 2:

Another man and woman are primary partners for each other.  A newborn enters the picture.  During the baby’s early months/years, the mother’s attention shifts from her partner to their baby.  After taking care of the baby all day and night, the mother has no energy to give to her partner.  Her partner begins to feel unseen and rejected.  His needs are not being met as they once were.

Scene 3:

The husband works long hours, takes calls in the middle of the night, and is off on long business trips.  His primary relationship has shifted to his company and his successful career — and away from his wife.  As for the wife, she still needs to be in a primary relationship… if not with her husband, then with someone else.

The expectations built into a primary relationship play a key role in each of these scenarios.  As each partner fulfills the other’s needs, things run smoothly — but once expectations become unfulfilled, frustration begins to seep into the cracks of the relationship.  If left unattended, other feelings may move in as well… feelings like hurt, blame, anger, rejection, jealousy, distrust, betrayal, etc. 

Anyway…that’s what I meant by primary relationships.  Simply put:  Where your attention is, your heart will also be.

.

There’s No Place Like Home

I’m not sure what’s going on but I find myself surrounded by a number of friends and acquaintances who are transitioning from one phase of their lives to another.  These shifts involve moving physically from one place to another. 

Several young people I know are trying to escape from their parents’ homes.  One was eager to move in with her boyfriend… only to find that the boyfriend was living in his grandmother’s basement.  Another moved in with three roommates… only to find that the roommates were not able to pay their portion of the rent, and they were evicted. 

One friend is returning to the Bay Area, to be with her daughter and grandchildren.  For the past couple of years, she’s been traveling back and forth between where she lives and where her daughter and grandchildren live.  The drive is becoming too much for her, so she’s decided to move back here and, hopefully, find a job near her daughter.

Another acquaintance has relocated to another state, due to her husband’s job.  They can’t afford to buy a “real home,” until they are able to unload their other house.  Because of this, they can’t move on with their family plans. They are living in their personal Purgatory — living in a small apartment in a dangerous neighborhood — waiting to resume their lives again.  As it is now, they feel that they have no home, even though they are surrounded by their personal possessions.

Another friend of mine has been separated from her husband for a number of years.  They continue to support a household and raise their boys together.  Although her possessions are in the house with the boys and their father, she doesn’t consider that place to be her home.  Her heart has found a home with a different partner, and it’s his place that she calls home, even though she doesn’t own anything there.

I have another friend who is constantly redecorating her house… never happy with how it looks or feels. There’s always some massive project going on, and the house is in constant turmoil and upheaval.

These examples reinforce my belief that the building in which you reside does not define your “home.” Home is more than your residence.  Home is where your heart lives… where you're loved… where you go for peace and security.  It’s not a physical place but an emotional and mental place of refuge and strength.

Some find their home — their stabilizing force — to be within a healthy primary relationship with another.  Others find their life source within their inner “self” — anchored by their core principles and supported by spiritual beliefs. 

Whoever or whatever supplies you with that positive source of well-being and security, keep it close to you… respect it… and protect it, because…

There’s no place like home.

.

Team Spirit

I just received an agitated call from a friend.  She was upset because she was just told by her boss that she was not a team player. 

She had a departmental meeting earlier today.  During the meeting, she made the mistake of bringing up her frustrations regarding inefficiencies in the way they did things.  She outlined several processes that were adding costs to their production without adding any value to their customers.  She asked why couldn’t they eliminate those activities and save the company money.  Their limited resources and employees could be directed toward products that were generating income for the company.

Her manager was greatly moved by such suggestions — moved to the point of being insulted and angry with her.  He felt that she was threatening him and giving him ultimatums…

That’s when he said that he was very disappointed in the fact that she was not a team player.

She tried to explain that if he could show sales figures or analysis or customer surveys that supported the current process, she wouldn’t be so frustrated with being asked to support the process.

He had neither the need nor time to find out which products are making a profit for their division and which are not.  Even if she was right about the ineffective and inefficient processes, it didn’t matter.  It didn’t matter if their division loses money.  As long as the company (as a whole) makes money, he’ll get his increases. 

She was told not to concern herself with such things.  Just do what she is told — no questions asked.   

And start being a team player or find another place of employment.

The ironic part of this story is that it’s the manager, and not my friend, who lacks the team spirit.

The saddest part of this story is that this “management style” permeates through corporate America like freshly popped popcorn.  Intelligent, competent employees are not seen as valued assets — but replaceable, bothersome pieces. 

A word to the wise:  We all have the desire to be seen, to be heard, and to be appreciated — but, rarely, do we get these needs fulfilled on the job site.  Make sure you develop a support group outside the workplace to fill these needs for you.

The workplace is simply that — the workplace.  It’s not your home.

.

Why Don’t You Come Over More Often?

I just came back from an acquaintance’s house.  Her sister was visiting from out of town, and she invited me over… adding that I don’t come to visit often enough.  

What’s “interesting” about this visit was… every time I started to talk, one of the sisters would interrupt me, turn to the other and say, “That reminds me about the time when we….”

And the two would continue their conversation, forgetting about me and my unfinished story.

This didn’t happen once, twice, or three times.  It happened throughout the visit with them.  I never could finish one story with them.

• They’d ask me a question, I’d start to answer, which jogged their memory about something else, and they’d go off chatting about that “something else.”
• They’d ask me a question, and just as I begin to answer, they’d ask the other what else she wanted to eat.
• They’d ask me a question, I’d start to answer, and they’d get up and walk off into another room, because they were tired of sitting at the table. 

How did the afternoon end?  Well… they asked me a question, and just as I started to answer, the phone rang and both of them got on the phone to talk to the caller.

It was then that I got up, waved my goodbyes, and headed out the door.

I wonder... why don’t I go over there more often?

.

Fly-By Acts of Attention

I've had an intense couple of weeks at the office, which ended with a 3-hour meeting with my manager.  I would share with you what happened in that meeting, but I still need my job — and the fact that I still have one is a miracle in itself.

Even though the rest of the week was pretty quiet at the office — and I still have a job to go to — I thought it would be wise for me to take a 3-day weekend from the office, to let things settle down a bit between my manager and me.

This day off gave Katherine and me an opportunity to get together to discuss our next steps in our book publishing pursuits.  As you can imagine, the last couple of weeks at the office has added more motivation for me to get our book published — the sooner the better.

As we were heading out of the restaurant where we met, Katherine noticed a lone gentleman ahead of us at the cashier register.  She complimented him on his hair and asked what products he uses.  They chatted about hair products, as he finished paying his bill.  He left with the biggest grin on his face.

A simple conversation about the guy’s hair made his evening.

It’s that easy.  Really, it’s that easy!

I don’t think people realize how important their presence is to another human being.  We don’t realize how, even as strangers, we can reach out to others — through a smile, an understanding nod, an encouraging compliment — and share our light with them, even if it’s only for a brief moment.

But, ironically, the mere act of sharing yourself with others — in these short bursts of focused attention — actually recharges your own batteries.  These quick, positive interactions — these “fly-by acts of attention” — actually rejuvenate you, like a summer rain.

This requires us to change our focus from ourselves to others.  We need to intentionally switch from an internal, self-center focus to an outward, attentive focus.  By focusing outside of ourselves and placing our intent on another person, our light intuitively reaches the target of our focused attention.  We affect them in that brief moment, by just being there with them — for that brief moment.

It takes just a moment of our time, but that moment has the power to change people’s days, weeks — and quite possibly — their lives.  We’ll never know…

If only we knew the power we held within us…

.

Light Banter, Dark Chocolate

This week has been peppered with all sorts of social interactions — both positive and negative — and I’m not sure what to make of them. 

I would like to make some heads-or-tails out of all of it, but they ran the gamut from truly irritating and frustrating to emotional sharing — with some light fun and playful interactions mixed in between. 

Each interaction came from different people, so the only common denominator was … well, me.

I’m just amazed how human beings interact with each other — all based on what they want from each other. 

For example, the frustrating and irritating encounters came from the work environment.  These people want nothing more from me than zombie-like loyalty and "dead-dication."  Please check your mind and feelings at the door before you come into the workplace.

The emotional sharing came from a close friend.

The light fun and playful interactions came from some good friends.

I even experienced a very surprising and enlightening conversation with a casual acquaintance, who was on his way to his father’s funeral. He wasn’t looking for sympathy from me, but just someone to talk to before he headed out on his long trip to his hometown.

Yes, it’s interesting what we need from each other.  Some are content with light banter and dark chocolate. 

Some of us are searching for something more than that…

.