Sleepless Nights

I’m in one of my introspective moods, tonight — and I’m very tired. 

I’ve been having a series of dreams these last couple of days, which have left me troubled.  The dreams deal with feelings of loss and brokenness.

One was about a chef preparing a fabulous meal for us.  It was delicious to those she served it to, but it wasn’t to her liking.  Because of that, she became upset and angry.  During her tantrum, she threw away all her pots and pans and gave up cooking.  She gave up her life-long pursuit, because that one meal wasn’t perfect… in her eyes. 

Another one dealt with me breaking my eye glasses — at the bridge of the nose.  I tried fixing the bridge with superglue, but I just managed to super-glue my fingers together instead, and the glue on the bridge of the nose irritated my eyes to tears…

The dream that started all this dealt with a friend with whom I’ve lost touch.  She’s as creative, intelligent, and confident as she is volatile — and her life has been very difficult because of these traits.  She cannot cultivate close friendships because of her strong and erratic mood swings. When she's in those moods, she simply pushes everyone away.

It’s been about six years, now, since she’s cut off contact with me.  I’ve tried calling her and have sent letters, emails, birthday wishes, and Facebook invitations to reconnect, but she hasn’t wanted to reconnect—and I have to respect her wishes.

This is one of the most difficult aspects of caring for others — respecting their freedom and independence, while dealing with the emotional connection that draws you into their pain.

I have to admit, my life has been more stable without her in it.  I’m not looking to opening myself up to the hurt that comes along with her friendship, and I wish I could leave well enough alone. 

And I would, if it wasn’t for these dreams…

The dream that started it all was about her.  In the dream, she was at some social event.  Something disturbed her, and she became very upset and angry.  She started throwing things and yelling.  No one could reach her to calm her down, so she continued to spiral out of control.  She threw things and disrupted the whole evening for everyone.

I know it sounds weird to most people, but the last time I ignored something like this, I learned later that the person I was thinking about had committed suicide.  No one could reach her, either…

I don’t want that to happen again.  I don’t want to learn later that I should have reached out when I had the chance. 

So, the dilemma — how do I not intrude, if all is fine with her and she doesn’t want to reconnect with me — but still be able to sleep at night, without the fear that I didn’t reach out when I should have?

How do I mend the bridge without getting stuck — like in the dream about my broken glasses and the superglue? 

After a couple of sleepless nights, I’ve decided to send a simple “thinking of you” note to her mother — figuring that reaching out to the family, as a whole, would be a safer way of connecting… while respecting my friend’s wishes.

At this point, I think that is all I can do and hope that it’s enough.

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