Lost Myself for a Moment

As you can imagine, anxiety plagued me the entire week before the women’s retreat.  As the days and hours ticked closer to the start of it, I grew more and more pensive and uncomfortable — but I had agreed to go… and go I shall. 

Once we got to the campsite, I started mentally checking off items on my ever-growing anxiety list.  The more I was able to check things off, the more comfortable I became.

• Indeed, I was free to come and go as I pleased.  There were no locked gates or barriers that prevented me from leaving.
• The site was an opened campground, with an outside kitchen, a covered meeting area, and a mobile unit that was used as a community center meeting room.  If the nights were too cold for camping out in tents, we could sleep on the floor of the mobile unit.  There were also outside showers and bathrooms. 
• Trees and foliage created small, intimate areas throughout the property.  These peaceful coves created natural, private havens for people to set up their tents — as well as provided shared common areas where groups could freely gather.
• Although participants were encouraged to spend the nights there, we were free to leave and return in the morning if we preferred.  I chose to do the latter, although most everyone else stayed the nights.
• Instead of being blindly led from one activity to another, we were given a flexible agenda, so we would know what was planned for the weekend — with the understanding that things could change along the way.
• I didn’t have time to feel out of place because as soon as we stepped onto the property, the spiritual leader put us to work — setting things up for the night’s festivities.  [Hint:  This is one of the fastest ways to make members feel part of a group — having them work together on a common task or goal.] 

Even with all our prep-work, as the weekend progressed, the differences between the group and me became glaringly apparent.  There was no preventing it… no hiding it.  I was, indeed, labeled “vanilla” — as we had predicted. 

At first, this unnerved me.  I wanted to fit in; I wanted to be liked; I wanted to be accepted… and when I was labeled “vanilla,” I felt as if I had failed. 

Katherine took me aside and reminded me that I needn’t force anything.  All I needed to be was myself and I will fit in.  Simply be.

  

Simply be. 

To “simply be” meant to acknowledge the truth of the situation.  I am different from the group; there’s no denying it, no hiding it, and no changing that fact…

Once I became grounded in that simple truth, another truth surfaced.  This group of women didn’t care that I wasn’t like them.  They were confident women who weren’t concerned about our differences.  They didn’t use every moment to work on me — to conform my thoughts and beliefs to theirs.  They didn’t spend their weekend trying to change me.

They were warm and welcoming.  They were giving of themselves without taking anything from me.  They managed to create an encouraging, open, and protective place where we could share our experiences and dreams without fear of ridicule or rejection.

They were very comfortable with themselves, which allowed me to be comfortable with myself — probably for the first time since my last women’s retreat (20+ years ago).  They accepted me for who I was at that moment… appreciated where I was in my journey… and invited me back to join them for future gatherings.

Yeah, the weekend went far better than I could have imagined, and I am very glad I took the risk. 

Yeah.  It is good for me to get out of my comfort zone and expand my experiences.

Don’t let Katherine know I said this… but she was right, damn it! 

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