In the Right Place, at the Right Time

I had a busy weekend, filled with commitments and errands.  I was on my last errand before I could head home for the day.  It was getting late, but all I had to do was get to the post office and back—and my day would be done.

When I got to the post office, there was another person at the self-service vending machine.  She was taking quite a long time and seemed a bit lost.  What tipped me off was that she was just staring at the screen… and staring at the screen… and staring at the screen.

I asked if she needed help and was able to show her how to finish her transaction.  Once she left, I started to work on my transaction.

Another lady came up and tried to post her letters, but she couldn’t pull the metal tray down to post her letters.  I put my transaction on hold, to help her out.  Although the slot that she was trying to open was locked, I pointed her to the 4 mail slots on the other side that she could use, instead.  She laughed at the ease of that solution, as she dropped her letters in one of those open slots.

Turning back to my transaction, I was a bit disappointed.  The vending machine didn’t offer what I was looking for, so I cancelled out of the menu without getting what I needed.  

I got back to my car, thinking that this last errand was a complete waste of my time, when another lady came up to my car.  As I rolled down my window, she asked me if I would give her a ride.  She added that she’d pay me to take her. 

I asked her where she needed to go.  She told me a street that I recognized, so I told her to hop in.

She proceeded to tell me her story.  Recently, she was in a car accident, which totaled her car — and hurt her neck.  She’s on her way to work at a 7/11 store, but had no way of getting there.  She was prepared to walk all the way, if I hadn’t given her a ride.

Once I got her to her 7/11, she offered me a drink or coffee from the store.  I declined, telling her that I was quite happy just to be able to help her out.

I simply was at the right place, at the time.

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Let’s Enjoy the Journey We’re On

I just woke up, and the first thing that struck me was a feeling of… happiness.

Usually, I wake up with my mind already racing with all the things I have to accomplish this day, this week, and this month.  I get to work and look at the calendar and lament about how quickly time flies and how much is still is left to do…

But today… Today’s different, somehow.

This morning, instead of racing through all the things I had to do, my mind filled itself with all that I’ve accomplished thus far.  My mind immediately jumped to our writing projects and how we’ve put our final touches to the book.  This weekend, we’re passing it along to the graphic designer for his layout and cover design. 

Katherine has read the last two scenes I’ve written and has dubbed the play complete.  Yea!!!  She’s planning to share it with her theatrical contacts and get some input as to how we proceed from here… Double Yea!!!

Another friend of mine — who has two very active boys — finally read her year-old posts on Facebook and is excited about giving me feedback on our children’s book, so I sent her a copy of the first of that series.

I did a quick inventory on our writing projects and we have about ten ongoing ventures in various stages — all of which have viable promotional potential and outlets.  

We’re in the process of filing for a fictitious trade name, moving toward creating a brand name and identifiable “home” for our various ventures.

So,  yeah... I know this is probably the last thing you expect coming from me (aka Ms. Impatience), but everything is falling into place and working out the way it should. 

Although, I’ve been wishing that all this would move along much faster than it has, these projects are taking the time needed to evolve into what they are meant to be.  I see that now.

Yeah… this morning was good for me.  It reminded me that I need to stop… appreciate what I have… and celebrate what I’ve accomplished, thus far.

I’m never going to stop for very long.  I’m always going to want to push to reach our goals, but every once in a while, it is important to take the time to appreciate where we are and how far we’ve come.  These little celebratory “pats on the backs” are important in this process, because they help motivate us to continue on our life-long journey.

I don’t think a lot of us do that anymore — stop… appreciate what we have… and celebrate what we’ve accomplished, thus far.  We’re so consumed with outlining our goals — and taking the appropriate steps to achieve them — that we forget to celebrate the milestones we reach along the way.

We’re so focused on getting to where we want to be that we forget to enjoy the journey along the way. 

So, this morning is a good reminder to enjoy the journey we’re on. 

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One Step Closer

We did it!  We’re one step closer to being published!

We’ve finally agreed that the manuscript is finished — that means no more additions, no more revisions, no more edits, no more proofing, no more changes… well, not until the manuscript comes back from the graphic artist, that is. 

This next stage begins with sending the manuscript to the graphic artist, who will work on the interior layout and the cover art for the book.  Once he thinks he’s done, then the three of us will have to work together to come to an agreement on the final look of the book.

Hopefully, this stage won’t take as long as the last one; but no matter how long it takes, we’re definitely one step closer.


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“BUT” is Such a Scary Word!

I had another one of my dreams.  Even though it was a simple and short scene, it was interesting — interesting enough to set to paper.

Once on paper, it turned out to be a very intriguing scene, with the potential to turn into something I imagined could be used in workshops and meetings — to elicit discussion and group interactions…

With that in mind, that one scene lead to another… and another.

I shared the written scenes with Katherine, and wondered if she and her friends would like to act out the scenes — to generate discussions for their meetings.  Her groups were always looking for topics to discuss…

Katherine agreed that her groups were always looking for topics to discuss, and she knew of several people who would jump at the chance to act out the scenes with her, but…

[BUT… is such a scary word — especially coming from Katherine.]

But... Katherine liked the scenes soooo much that she didn’t want to stop at a couple — just to be used to generate discussion in social gatherings.

 

She wants us to develop a whole play and progress the story.  Once the play is complete, she has acquaintances who have the resources to produce and perform the play.  We could perform it live, video tape it, and/or produce an audio version of it.

She understands all this would require more time, effort, and work on my part — more than I originally intended and, possibly, wanted to put into it — but…

[BUT… is such a scary word — especially coming from Katherine.]

But what I’ve written so far is too good just to be treated as a simple discussion aid, in her opinion.

O…..K….

So, I write — what I thought — is a nice little play, but Katherine wants more.

So, I keep adding scene after scene, and Katherine keeps telling me we need another and another…

I see the same thing that has happened to our book is happening to the play.

We can never finish a project, because Katherine keeps wanting more… and more… and more…

Yes… her suggestions always make the projects better, BUT if we never finish a project… well, we’ll never finish…

Hopefully, during my lifetime, one of these projects will see the light of day, BUT…

In the meantime, I’m on a new writing adventure… adding aspiring playwright to aspiring author…

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Defining Conflict Triggers and Responses

Last time, we were talking about the three stages of conflict and wondering how to confine the conflict to the first stage where the problem, my needs, and your needs are seen and acknowledged.

Tim Scudder, co-author of “Have a Nice Conflict,” explained that people tend to respond to conflict in one of three ways: 

Assertive:  Some will be assertive and attack the problem head on… working diligently for a quick resolution.


Analytical:  Some will sit back quietly to take everything in, first.  They will take their time to analyze various solutions and try to come up with a consensus that would benefit everyone.


Accommodating:  Some are interested in smoothing things over, acknowledging that they are surrendering their self-interests to others, because — in this particular case — the relationship is more important to them than the issue at hand.  They will defer their interest to preserve the relationship.

It would magnificently easy to diffuse conflict if everyone could respond exactly the same way, at the same time, in every situation — so each knew what the other was thinking and wanting. 

We all know that that’s not how it works.  Of course, depending on the issue and which conflict stage in which we find ourselves (i.e., first, second, or third stage), each person can switch among the ways and respond differently in different conflict situations… much like the professional “rock-paper-scissors” method of mediation.

For example, if you’re the assertive type and want a quick resolution to a situation, you may see my analytical approach to things as a bothersome waste of time.  Because I look at all angles and get everyone’s feedback, you feel that I’m indecisive and wishy-washy with no backbone.  I, in turn, resent the fact that you’re trying to bully and push me into a solution with which I’m not comfortable…at least, not yet. 

Those who are seen as accommodating may be willing to give in to you on several issues, but it’s a mistake to assume that you’re able to ignore their needs over and over again.  Soon, they will feel resentment… because they will begin to feel unseen, unheard, and unappreciated. 

See how quickly things can become emotionally charged?  All we were doing was approaching the same situation in three different ways, yet somehow, the conflict took us down.

To prevent conflict from "doing us in," we can take everyone’s temperature before tackling an unresolved issue.  Knowing where everyone is in their approaches and what conflict stage each lies will help us stay  — or move us back into — the first stage of conflict, where all parties can see and focus on the problem; and we can see and focus on each other's needs as well as our own needs.

By consciously placing ourselves in the other person's thought process and conflict approach, we can take hold of the conflict, and prevent conflict from taking hold of us.

We may not succeed each time; but each time we try, we’ll get better at it…

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Defining Conflict

I recently heard an interview by Tim Scudder, co-author of “Have a Nice Conflict,” and learned an interesting way to view conflict. 

Every time you see a conflict, you have an opportunity to learn what matters to people.  You learn how they defend their interests and how they define their self-worth.

He made a point to differentiate between a disagreement and a conflict.  Just because you disagree with me doesn’t mean that we are in conflict.  We can simply disagree, which gives us the opportunity to talk through our differences.

A conflict is when we start to get personal, and we add an emotional component to our interactions.  Yes, your self-interest is getting in the way of mine, but there’s more to it than that.  We’re no longer able to calmly and objectively articulate what you want and what I want.

Once emotions come into play, logic fails us.  I start to feel threatened.  I start to feel that my very self-worth is being attacked.  In turn, I strike back at you — wanting to hurt you as intimately as you hurt me.

Whatever we were discussing — and, now, fighting about — must be extremely important to both of us, because why else would we gamble so heartlessly with our self-worth?

Whatever threatens our self-worth is really important to us; therefore, every time you have a conflict with someone, you learn what matters to that person.  Once you figure out why that person is upset — what really matters to that person — then you can start figuring out how to resolve the conflict.

But to actually resolve the conflict, I must suspend my wants and needs — my self-interest — and focus on your wants and needs.  That’s darn hard when we’re already in the middle of a heated argument where emotions have already taken over and each are protecting our self-worth from further attacks from the other.

No, it’s much too late by then.  Once we get to that stage, neither of us is concerned with the problem or the other person.  We are only focusing on our own self-worth.

Tim Scudder elaborated on this phenomenon by explaining that there are three stages of conflict. 

• In the first stage, I can see and focus on the problem; I can see and focus on my needs; and I can see and focus on your needs.
• In the second stage, as the conflict starts to deepen and gets more severe, I start to focus only on the problem and my interest.  You’ve dropped out of the picture.
• By the third stage, my emotions have blinded me to everything but my interest.  I don’t even see the problem anymore.  I’m only defending and protecting my self-worth that is being threatened and attacked. 

It’s at this third stage that it’s really too late to try to come to any type of resolution with me, because neither you nor the initial problem exists for me.

The trick is to keep conflicts from escalating into the second or third stages — where we lose focus of each other and the problem.

How do we do this?

I guess we’ll tackle that the next time we’re together. 

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I Have to Be Careful What I Wish For…

I have to be careful what I wish for...


Katherine and I did finally meet to work on the book.

From that meeting, we’ve got three more sections to revise, another piece to add, and a 4-page checklist and timetable to follow if we want to finish up this project within the next month.

Katherine has also started sending out “feelers” for help with developing a website…

So, yeah… things are moving again…

And one of these days, I’m going to learn:  I have to be careful what I wish for…

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Abandonment of Wonderment

Have you ever walked into a room and been immediately drawn to a person?  I’m not just talking about being physically attracted to another person, but attracted to the person’s energy, ease of laughter, attentiveness, genuineness, caring, intelligence, etc.

I was drawn to such a person the other day.  His energy, enthusiasm, passion, openness, genuineness — all of him — filled me up. 

Although I didn’t have a chance to talk with him because he was working, he affected me, intimately, in the way he approached his “duties.”  

I’ve watched and listened to hundreds of men before him — all going through the same routines and rituals that he was performing — but those others didn’t have the same intensity as this fellow did.

He approached each activity with such focused attention… such conviction… such wonderment and awe. 

He reminded me of the innocence that tickles children’s cheeks as they wake up on Christmas morning — and the abandonment in which they rush to the Christmas tree, gasp at all the gifts, and realize — with no doubt in their hearts or minds — that they are loved, they are special, and they are never alone.  Santa does exist. 

That was the vision that this man conjured up.  It was breathtaking and over all too soon.  I wished I could have stayed with him longer and drink in his energy… but alas, I couldn’t.

Besides, he’s forbidden fruit. He’s a newly ordained priest — ordained a handful of years ago — who is currently stationed at a local church I visited the other day. 

Still, this constraint doesn’t prevent me from admiring his essence and the way he approaches life.   It’s a good reminder, too.

Most of the time, we’re weighed down by the stark reality of our day-to-day routines and obligations — so much so that we begin to feel like an old tube of toothpaste.  Our energy is squeezed out of us — used, abused, spit out, and splattered all over the bathroom sink…

It’s during these times that we need to brush off the caked-on paste, put ourselves to bed, and wake up like a child on Christmas morning… filled with limitless energy, wonderment, and awe over the enchanted life we hold within us…

And if we’ve forgotten how, there are people around us who will show us…

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