Defining Conflict Triggers and Responses

Last time, we were talking about the three stages of conflict and wondering how to confine the conflict to the first stage where the problem, my needs, and your needs are seen and acknowledged.

Tim Scudder, co-author of “Have a Nice Conflict,” explained that people tend to respond to conflict in one of three ways: 

Assertive:  Some will be assertive and attack the problem head on… working diligently for a quick resolution.


Analytical:  Some will sit back quietly to take everything in, first.  They will take their time to analyze various solutions and try to come up with a consensus that would benefit everyone.


Accommodating:  Some are interested in smoothing things over, acknowledging that they are surrendering their self-interests to others, because — in this particular case — the relationship is more important to them than the issue at hand.  They will defer their interest to preserve the relationship.

It would magnificently easy to diffuse conflict if everyone could respond exactly the same way, at the same time, in every situation — so each knew what the other was thinking and wanting. 

We all know that that’s not how it works.  Of course, depending on the issue and which conflict stage in which we find ourselves (i.e., first, second, or third stage), each person can switch among the ways and respond differently in different conflict situations… much like the professional “rock-paper-scissors” method of mediation.

For example, if you’re the assertive type and want a quick resolution to a situation, you may see my analytical approach to things as a bothersome waste of time.  Because I look at all angles and get everyone’s feedback, you feel that I’m indecisive and wishy-washy with no backbone.  I, in turn, resent the fact that you’re trying to bully and push me into a solution with which I’m not comfortable…at least, not yet. 

Those who are seen as accommodating may be willing to give in to you on several issues, but it’s a mistake to assume that you’re able to ignore their needs over and over again.  Soon, they will feel resentment… because they will begin to feel unseen, unheard, and unappreciated. 

See how quickly things can become emotionally charged?  All we were doing was approaching the same situation in three different ways, yet somehow, the conflict took us down.

To prevent conflict from "doing us in," we can take everyone’s temperature before tackling an unresolved issue.  Knowing where everyone is in their approaches and what conflict stage each lies will help us stay  — or move us back into — the first stage of conflict, where all parties can see and focus on the problem; and we can see and focus on each other's needs as well as our own needs.

By consciously placing ourselves in the other person's thought process and conflict approach, we can take hold of the conflict, and prevent conflict from taking hold of us.

We may not succeed each time; but each time we try, we’ll get better at it…

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