Righteousness and Judgment

A friend recommended the relationship book, “Feeling Good Together,” by David D. Burns, MD.

I just started reading it and, so far, I like what he has to say — mostly, because what the good doctor has to say agrees with what we’ve been saying in our books and blog.

There is one thing that did strike me as… well, as not correct… in my humble opinion. 

Now, I know that I’m not an MD— or a clinical professor or psychiatry or a scholar at Harvard Medical School — or anything like that, but I do have a right to my opinion; and with your indulgence, I get to share it with you.

In the book, Dr. Burns lists 12 motives that compete with love:  power/control; revenge; justice/fairness; narcissism; pride/shame; scapegoating; truth; blame; self-pity; anger/bitterness; competition; and hidden agendas.

You probably can guess which ones I want to pull out of his list.  I think truth and justice/fairness shouldn’t be in this list.  Instead, I think righteousness and judgment should take their places.

In explaining how justice and fairness compete with love, Dr. Burns gives an example of road rage.  A gentleman is driving along, and another car comes up behind him, trying to force him to increase his speed.  Instead, he slows down, trying to force the other party to go around him — a means of taking back control.  The other party simply crawled up to the guy’s rear bumper and started honking at him and making obscene gestures. 

The story ends with the two cars getting off the road and one gentleman pulling out a crossbow and shooting the occupants of the second car… in his crusade for justice.

Well, I really don’t see justice or fairness playing a role in any of that.  I simply see people fighting for control and feeling righteous in their pursuit of that control.

Dr. Burns uses truth in the same manner.  He feels that: “Truth is the cause of nearly all the suffering in the world today.”  To help his readers accept his hypothesis, he agrees that his statement is an exaggeration, but that we must agree that the battle over Truth nearly always fuels hostilities.

No.  I cannot and will not agree with his assessment — with his “version of the truth.”

You see, there are different shades of truth.  There’s my perception of the truth and there’s yours.  There’s my side of the story, and there’s yours.  Hostilities come about when your truth and my truth do not match.  The harder I try to convince you that my truth is right — and your truth is wrong — the greater the conflicts, hostilities, and barriers to love become.  I agree with all of that.

My point is that Truth — the whole Truth and nothing but the Truth — is not the cause of the hostilities.  It’s what we do with Truth that fuels hostilities.  It’s how we manipulate the Truth for our self-interest that creates barriers to love. 

Do we hold on to it, as a shield of judgment — keeping others away?  Do we hold it up as a flame of righteousness — eager to burn those who disagree with us? 

If we do, then it’s not Truth that’s the culprit.  The fault lies within the two motives we cherish more than Truth… and more than each other.  The fault lies within Righteousness and Judgment. 

But that's just my opinion...

What's yours?

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