It’s Not Just Business

     

Do you remember when I reached out to a handful of local therapists last year — asking if they would have the time to give me some feedback on our “teen” book? 

Recently, I touched base with one of them and gave her an update on everything that was going on with us.  She was very excited about our progress and wanted to set up a meeting with us and her boss — to brainstorm on how their practice could help promote our books and give us feedback and test our stuff. 

I passed all of this news to Katherine.  It turned out that Katherine knew of this therapist through a mutual friend and was excited over the idea of collaborating with the group.

So, we set a time to meet with the therapist and her boss — thinking a brainstorming session of 4 would be beneficial.

Boy!  Were we surprised when we were ushered into their conference room and came face-to-face with about 10-12 people, sitting around a table, eating their lunch. 

Once they made room for us around the table and introduced themselves to us, they started interviewing us — with questions dealing from number of years we’ve been doing this, how much our type of work was worth, what our fee structure was for sessions and workshops, what education and certifications we had, what documentation and billing systems we had for workshops and presentations… and the questions went on and on…

Imagine how we felt when we’re expecting a 4-person interactive brainstorming session, and instead, we walk into a 12-person tag-team group interview!!

By the end of the interview, the group proposed that they promote a relationship workshop based on the book, for a maximum of 20 people (to be held in their conference room) — charging a fixed price per person and splitting the revenue.  They also wanted bios and pictures to post on their website, along with a date for the workshop.  They wanted to write up a contract for the workshop, with their fee breakdown for the use of their space and their promotional efforts.  After all, they are in the business to make money — as they reminded us. 

They were also very interested in working with Katherine regarding her solo business — which is separate from our joint writing ventures. 

As you can imagine, we left their office feeling a little dizzy and juggling mixed feelings.

The meeting was enlightening, to say the least.  It did make us think about things we hadn’t thought about before.  The business-like approach this therapist group took with us solidified our own desire to focus on the personal side of connecting with others — especially in the way we approach our work and how we partner with others.

For us, it’s not just business…

It’s all about… well, what it’s always been about… relationships.

I don’t understand why, but most people separate their business persona from their personal one.  They’ll conduct themselves differently at work than at home.  You hear it all the time:  “It’s not personal; it’s business,” — as if there’s a separation between the two… as if there are different rules to follow… as if we’re not relating with each other in both settings.

No… we shouldn’t separate the two.  All of us are in the business of relating — or at least we should be.  That’s the only way to do business. 

So, I’m not quite sure how the relationship with this therapist group will develop and grow.  Since presentations and workshops are Katherine’s domain, I’ll let her take the lead on this.  If she wants to pursue this avenue for our joint venture, I’m with her.  If she doesn’t want to do it, I’m with her.  If she just wants to deal with this group for her solo business, I’m with her.  If she wants do the relationship workshop to open an access to other network opportunities, I’m with her.  Whatever she wants to do, I’m with her.  

No.  For us, it’s not just business; it’s about relationships.

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When I Calm Down…?

I’m so glad you’re out there for me, because I had one of those days… again. 

Well… the day was actually really good.  It was the $#%@ visit to the “car shop.”  I don’t know what it is about car shops and me, but we just don’t mix…

Anyway, I took the day off from work, because I… needed… a day off from work…

I was driving around town, getting things done and crossing them off my things-to-do list.  

On the road to someplace else, I saw the sign for an oil change, tire rotation, and lube for $14.99.  Of course, there was another place advertizing $15.99 oil change right next door…

Cool!  The car needed an oil change, and I could do $14.99.  Although this wasn’t on my list for today, I thought I could fit it in, so I turned the car around and drove back to the $14.99 place.

Before I could get out of the car and close the car door, three mechanics surrounded me, took my keys out of my hands, and asked what they could do for me. 

I told them all I wanted was a $14.99 oil change and asked how long it would take.  They said that I was their only customer, so it’ll be fast.

Cool! 

One guy, Todd, brought me into the office to start the paperwork.  I told him I just wanted the $14.99 oil change.

Todd:    We can upgrade for $20.00…


Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the $14.99 oil change.


Todd:    But the premium oil change will…


Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the advertized $14.99 oil change.


Todd:    Ok.

The guy that had taken my car keys — and who had my car up in the air by now — came in and said he knew I’m here for the $14.99 oil change but for $20.00 more….

Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the $14.99 oil change.


Guy:    But the premium oil change will…


Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the $14.99 oil change.


Guy:    But the premium oil change will…


Me:    Just the $14.99… $14.99… $14.99… $14.99 oil change, please.

So, he went back out and 15 minutes later, Todd took me out to my car. 

The guys must have really been bored, because pieces of my car were all over the place…

Todd quoted me $354.78 to put the car back together with all the things they were recommending… including replacing a new air filter that had been changed recently.

I was getting irritated at this point, because I came in for a $14.99 oil change—and, now, my car parts were surrounding me, while five guys were trying to tell me the bill was no longer $14.99, but $354.78 

Me:    I’m really irritated right now, because I came in for a $14.99 oil change and somehow you’re writing me bill for $354.78.  I’m really irritated. 

Then the guys started to gang up on me, explaining that my car has 100,000 miles and it’ll need fluid changes and….blah…blah… blah…  [at least, that’s what I started to hear].  When I mentioned that I had life-time service with another mechanic shop regarding the stuff they were quoting, they got aggressive and started pointing out things the “other place” did wrong.

Me:    I’m really irritated with you guys right now.  I’m not going to stand here and play the “finger-pointing” game with you, either.  I just want the $14.99 oil change and my car put back together the way it was when I first came in — with no added or missing parts, please.

Todd:    But we have your car all apart.  You’re already here.  It’ll really be easy to do all of this stuff.

Me:    You don’t understand.  I’m really irritated; and the more you push the more irritated I’ll become.  As I get more and more irritated with you, my barriers will go up.  The more you talk and push… the more I will keep saying, “No” because I’m closing myself off from you.  It doesn’t matter whether you’re right and I’m wrong.  I will say “No” to whatever you say from this point.

Todd:    But we can…

Me:    I understand you need to make money for your shop, but this isn’t how to do it.  What I’m telling you is that I’m very irritated — and no matter what you say from this point on, I’ll say, “No” to it, so you should stop now.  You’ll going to have to learn to stop once the customer is irritated, because pushing will get you nowhere. 

He stopped at that point; the other guys pulled back as well.  My car was put back together, my bill was readjusted to $14.99 plus tax, and my keys were returned to me.

And Todd’s departing words to me were:  I’m leaving you our card, so when you calm down, you can call us and make an appointed for us to finish up the other work for you.

All I could think about was how clear it was to me that I wasn't being heard, seen, or understood...

So, yeah…when I calm down…I’ll be looking for (yet) another mechanic shop…

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Fear of Success?

I came across an article about Fear of Success—and overcoming the Fear of Change or the Fear of Failure.

It discusses the fact that when we’re too afraid to take risks and move forward on our goals — either consciously or unconsciously — we get stuck in one place, neither moving forward nor backwards.

The article made me wonder if that was what was happening to us and our book project…

It sure feels like we’re not moving. 

For example, we had our weekly meeting and went over our list of things that still has to get done.  Sadly, we’ve made no progress on any of them.

Our first book is still with the graphic artist.  Katherine hasn’t gotten back to reading the rough draft of the second book yet.  Nothing’s going on with the play, the website, or the business license.  The release of the short story is tied to the first book, so I can’t move on that until the first book gets out.  

On the other hand, Katherine was involved with and was a presenter at a 4-day retreat, this week—so, her time was consumed with that activity.

And we spent our meeting-time reviewing how her presentation went, which helped generate some conceptual outlines for future workshops.   

 

So, even if it might seem like we didn’t make progress on the book project, I’d like to think that we’re creating a solid foundation that will help with the promotion of the book, whenever it does get published… in my humble and optimistic opinion.

But…. am I just rationalizing our behavior?

So, I checked out the signs — or red flags — of Fear of Success… just to see if they described either Katherine or myself…

Red Flags of Fear of Success

• You feel guilty about any success you have, because others around you haven’t had the same success.
• You don’t tell others of your accomplishments.
• You procrastinate on projects, especially projects that could lead to recognition.
• You compromise your goals to avoid conflict with others.
• You self-sabotage your work, saying you’re not good enough to achieve them.
• You feel that you don’t deserve to enjoy success in your life.
• If you do achieve success, you won’t be able to sustain it.  Eventually, you’ll fail and end up in a worse place than before.

Well, looking at the list, the only one that could possibly describe Katherine is procrastinating on this project, but I don’t believe it has ANYTHING to do with Fear of Success.  It has more to do with how much other stuff she’s juggling, and where this project falls on her priority list.

As for me, I’m struggling with impatience more than anything else.  I’ve done as much as I can and, now, have to wait for others to do their part. 

Looking at the “solutions” to conquering the Fear of Success, I’m even more confident that this isn’t our problem.

Basically, the article suggests that you face your fears and analyze them rationally.  Create backup plans that address your fears.  By doing these things, you can weaken those fears, which will dramatically reduce your reluctance to achieving your goals.

Also, always maintain your integrity as your top goal.  By doing that, you will always make the right choice.

And we’ve got all that covered, so... yeah… no... 

It’s not Fear of Success that’s slowing us down…

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A Dent To Perfectionism

It’s my first day off in months and months, and what do I choose to do with it?  I am attempting to re-caulk my bathroom shower.

I know that I do not possess the strengths or skills that will help me on this task. 

I am not the handy type.

I’m a left-hander in a world where tools are made for right-handers.

I am impatient and persistent.

Yet — knowing all this — I am going to take my first day off in months to re-caulk my bathroom shower…

I go to the store to purchase the tools.  I purchase the scraper thing-a-ma-jig, which is, of course, set up for a right-hander.

I grab and buy one white tube of the “easy and quick” caulking paste.

I get home and read the instructions, with the help of a magnifying glass.  I scrape, sweep, clean, and Clorox the shower stall the night before, and so I have a clean and dry surface to work with…

I place a new sponge, an old hand towel, and an old toothbrush (just in case) by the shower, to remind me of my task in the morning.

I spend a sleepless night, wondering if I will stand victorious tomorrow... or fall in defeat.

At morning’s light, I start my adventure.  I find an almost-used-up tube of white caulking and begin with that.  Things start out fine, until the old tube starts sputtering caulking all over the place, like an old tube of toothpaste does.

So, I have to stop and clean that mess up…

Then, I grab the new tube of caulking, cut that one open, and start on a new spot.

To my dismay, almond-colored caulking comes pouring out of the white tube.  What the #$@$!!!

I look at the tube… then at the stuff that’s spewing out of it… then at the wall… then back at the tube… then at the letters on the tube that spelled A-L-M-O-N-D… then at the cap of the tube that’s the color of the crap that’s spewing out of the tube… then back at the wall.

I take a couple of deep breaths… look at my hands, now colored in almond caulking… look back at the shower wall… and decide that the almond caulking doesn’t look too bad mixed in with the white already sprayed all over the place.

So, I continue on my mission and get to the smaller tiles.  I try to cover only the groves, but miss miserable, and every time I try to wipe away my errors, I also wipe away the new caulking in the process, which causes me to re-caulk, and re-wipe and re-caulk and re-wipe the same space over and over again.

I decide to stop this cycle of mine and let what caulking managed to move in between the tiles (and on the tiles) stay where it lay.  Maybe, after it all dries, I could scrape the excess off…and if not… well…

I look at what I've done.  If I keep the lights off and squint my eyes a bit, the dusty-looking almond swirls all over the tiles give the floor a mystic look…

And I reason, in a couple of months… or years…  I’ll have to do this all over again, and I’ll do better then…

And… if it becomes an issue, I can always get someone to help me the next time…

And… my guest bathroom still looks presentable, so no one else has to know about this bathroom…

Yep!  This little home-improvement adventure has, definitely, made a dent to Perfectionism, and I’m OK with that. 

P.S.  After all is said and done, a gentleman, online, lets me know that I shouldn't have been caulking... but grouting.  

I'm sitting here, now... silently shaking my head... thinking... What a great punchline to this joke... if only it was a joke...

Oh, well...<shrug>

Mother's Day

An acquaintance of mine suffered a miscarriage, just before Mother’s Day.   I’m sure her husband and their children will try to make Mother’s Day special for her — but the loss will be felt, probably more than they can ever imagine.

On a day like Mother’s Day, how do we comfort a mother who has lost a child?  How do we comfort a child who has lost a mother?  How do we comfort a woman who wants to but is unable to conceive?

But we don’t like to think about that side of this Hallmark Card Day…

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How Exactly Do I Do That?

I’m frustrated, annoyed, agitated, and irritated with choir practice tonight.  I know I need to let go of these feelings… but the question is:  How exactly do I do that?

Have you ever struggled with something new — in front of a group of people — and failed miserably with it? 

Have you shared your feelings of failure with the group and have a person in the group make fun of you for it? 

Have you ever wanted to tell that person that if he had a caring bone in his body, he would have offered a supportive hand instead of a kicking foot?

Have you ever wanted to say something to a person but was afraid you’d be viewed as a jealous jerk of a joke, who deserves the ridicule? 

Have you ever been afraid of voicing your opinion for fear that you’ll be seen as the very reflection of your nemesis?

Yeah… these are the feelings I’m struggling with at the moment…

I know I have no control over anyone else — only myself — and I’m not doing a very good job at that tonight. 

I know I need to let these feelings go and move on… but the question is:   How exactly do I do that?

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Unfulfilled Expectations

Well, the first deadline set by the graphic artist has passed, unceremoniously — with no email, call, or sign from him that we’re any closer to getting published.  When we email him to ask how he’s doing, we get no response…

So… yeah…. sadly, that means that there's nothing more to report on that front… other than growing frustration and diminishing patience on my part.

What’s our next step?  Waiting for the next deadline, I guess,… which is in a couple of weeks.

If that one passes without a sign of life from this graphic artist, I’ll suggest to Katherine that we’ll need to figure out another path to take—because doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of stupidity. 

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Secure and at Peace

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this secure and at peace. 

I know this feeling won’t last for very long.  Things will churn up again; fires will need to be put out; something or someone will make me question my choices and intentions… 

I know this, but for today, I’m feeling secure and at peace.

What makes today different?

Well, yesterday, my new neighbor made it a point to let me know that I could call him and his wife whenever I needed help.  As a single woman, this assurance is worth more than a pot of gold.

The day before that, I met a very nice couple, who was starting their lawn maintenance business.  Even though our relationship is based on business, it's still comforting to know that I can call them for help with the house.

The day before that, I let a stranger disorient me a bit — and not in a good way.  He contacted me through one of those online dating sites.  His profile stated that he was a Christian counselor, and he reached out to me because he felt that he and I had a lot in common. I wrote him back and answered his questions.

In his second email, he confessed and apologized for his initial thoughts about me.  At first, he didn’t believe I was who I said I was.  He thought I wasn’t a real person, but someone who created an open and positive profile for the sole purpose of baiting and using people.  After I responded to his inquiry, he realized his mistake and apologized for his initial thoughts.

What is it in my openness that this counselor finds intimidating — intimidating to the point that he felt compelled to attack my genuineness?  I also wonder how many other “professional counselors” would question my sincerity and motives.

Do you know how painful it is to open yourself up to others and have them tell you they don’t believe you?

So... yeah... that day didn’t start out so good for me.

But, later that afternoon, I shared the Christian counselor’s confession and my self-doubts with Katherine.  She made an interesting observation.  She wondered how effective he was as a counselor, if he uses the same techniques on his patients.  How open and comfortable will people be with him?

As for my doubts about what we’re doing, Katherine has no doubts.  This experience just reveals that we have something to share with others that professional counselors may not be able to envision…

So, yeah… it’s because of these wonderful and supportive people surrounding me, that I feel so secure and at peace, today.

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