Narcissism

I’ve been thinking about narcissism ever since a close friend of mine mentioned that another friend of hers accused her of being a narcissist.

Well… my friend does have a heighten sense of self-awareness.  She knows what she wants and needs; and she focuses her energy toward getting those wants and needs met.  In short, she takes on the responsibility of taking care of herself.

And, to be a well-adjusted and healthy person, shouldn’t we all be aware of what we need and want?  If we don’t take care of ourselves, how would we have the energy and ability to take care of others?  And who should take on the responsibility of caring for ourselves, if it’s not us?  

Aren’t we responsible for our own happiness?

So, where do we draw the line between supporting a healthy self-image and being a narcissist?

In answering that question for myself, I came across the article, “How to Spot a Narcissist.” by Samuel López De Victoria, Ph.D.  In his article, he makes a definite distinction between a “healthy narcissist” and an “extreme narcissist.”  

As with everything else, we have to strike a balance.  We all have to have some amount of narcissism in our nature.  This is what defines our personal preferences, aspirations, and needs, and propels us to success — in however we define success. 

To support a healthy sense of self, we must respect and honor our needs as much as we respect and honor the needs of others.

In the case of an extreme narcissist, the healthy sense of self has morphed into an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with one’s self — to the exclusion and detachment of others.  When this happens, the person is considered to have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

In this personality disorder, narcissism takes on the form of “being totally absorbed in self.”  The person is the center of his or her own universe — eventually cutting others off and becoming emotionally isolated. 

To an extreme narcissist, you are an object to be used.  Once he or she no longer has use for you, you are no longer desired, wanted, or sought.  The narcissist will cut you off — identifying you as an untrustworthy person who can harm the narcissist.

Although the causes of this disorder are largely unknown, some believe that they arise from children who were over-indulged and spoiled — and from children who experienced conditional love based on performance criteria (e.g., strict parents giving praise only for good grades will raise a child who learns not to trust anyone but himself for emotional soothing).

Dr. López De Victoria’s view is that Narcissistic Personality Disorder “usually starts with a significant emotional wound or series of them culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment…. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood.”

The trauma was so shattering that it essentially killed these people emotionally.  To protect themselves from any further hurt, extreme narcissists will isolate themselves from emotional and relational contact. They’ll construct protective barriers that’ll keep the external world of people away from them.  They believe that all people are harmful and untrustworthy. 

What causes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder may be unclear, but its symptoms are pretty clear.  They include:

• Reacting to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation
• Taking advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
• Having excessive feelings of self-importance and obsessive self-interest
• Exaggerating achievements and talents
• Being preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, intelligence, or ideal love
• Needing constant attention and admiration
• Disregarding the feelings of others and having little ability to feel empathy
• Pursuing mainly selfish goals

After reviewing this list, it becomes clear to me where the line is drawn between supporting a healthy self-image and being an extreme narcissist.

It’s how we view and treat others.  Do we respect and honor others as much as we do ourselves?

If the answer is, No — then we’ve crossed that line.

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