Romantic vs. Genuine Love

In the last four posts, we told a bit of a love story… that ended as soon as expectations and needs started to seep in.  The romance of “falling in love” quickly died as soon as “effort” was introduced.

That’s because many define love as a feeling.  They desire to be “in love”— and wonder why they fall out of love as quickly as they’ve fallen in love.

You may be surprised to hear this, but genuine love is not a feeling, and the desire to love is not, itself, love. 

Love is an act of will.  Love is full of intent and action.   

Love is a choice…a choice to go beyond your personal boundaries, expose yourself to others, and invite and accept them into your “self.”  To do this, you must empty yourself, to make room for others. 

Love takes dedication, attention, intention, acceptance, respect, trust, openness, commitment, vulnerability, etc. 

Love takes effort and work… lots and lots of effort and work!

In “The Road Less Traveled,” Dr. M. Scott Peck defines love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”

Think back to our little love story — one that has played out in reality over and over again.

We go out on dates, looking for romance, searching for Mr. or Ms. Right.  On these adventures, we focus on revealing only our “best selves”— which must mean that we’re just as determined to hide some “other” parts of ourselves…

In doing so, we create a perfect fantasy world occupied and populated by illusions — avatars of ourselves — of who we are and who we want others to be.   If we’re successful, we can quickly fall in love with this game…

We can stay in this utopia, as long as all our players perform their scripted parts that keep the illusion effective.

But once someone deviates from the script… once someone adds his or her personal expectations to the mix… once effort, commitment, and desire to develop this relationship into something more than a romantic fantasy is introduced — this virtual love affair starts to dissipate…

The magic disappears and the stabilizing ground beneath us begins to crumble…

We’re falling… falling… falling out of love.

Although it takes two to keep any type of relationship going, it only takes one to dissolve it.

Which person in this story is to blame for the destruction of the relationship? 

Was it the person who refused to move forward — who wanted to keep things the way they were…or was it the person who wanted to change the relationship into something different — who wanted to bring it into the real world? 

Was it the person who wanted to live in the romantic, fantasy—free of commitment and attachment… or was it the person who wanted to work toward genuine love?

And the answer is…

 

Neither is to blame for the end… Simply put:  Each had different and incompatible needs to be fulfilled in the relationship…

Every relationship lasts for as long as it is needed — and then it transforms itself into another form…

When a relationship comes to its natural end, there will be pain and tears… 

We take away from relationships what we put into them — as little or as much.  We grow and bring what we’ve learned from each relationship to other relationships. 

So, no one is to blame for the end of a relationship…nor should there be any regrets.

But make no mistake, genuine love takes continual and shared commitment from all involved.  It takes effort and work… lots and lots of effort and work!

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