Am I Mistaken or Did You Deceive Me?

The reason I wanted to discuss dishonesty is because it brings up a whole host of things with one flick of an illusionist’s magic wand — trust and lack of trust, acceptance, vulnerability, fear of rejection, deception, betrayal — and the list goes on.

I know we’ve recently talked about the importance of Trust and the Fear of Rejection (in Me and My Big Mouth).  I don’t want to rehash all of that again, although this dishonesty discussion has nowhere else to go… other than back to that earlier discussion about trust.  

In my last blog, I mentioned a group meeting that I had atteneded.  At that meeting, someone declared that if her partner was dishonest with her, then that would be the end of the relationship. 

Others found exception to such a direct and strong statement.  Some were quite vocal about it, reminding the speaker that she was far from perfect. 

Isn’t she holding others to a standard that isn’t achievable?  Is she setting her partner — and the relationship — up for failure?  Can anyone be honest every minute of the day? What about forgiveness?  Don’t people deserve second chances?

I’m all for forgiveness and second chances, because, yes, I am not perfect…

BUT, I agree with the initial speaker, because I see a distinction between dishonesty and misunderstandings or mistakes.

The difference is the intent behind the action.  There is an intent to deceive behind dishonesty that does not exist behind simple miscommunications, mistakes, and misunderstandings. 

In fact, intent to deceive is the accounting and legal distinction made between fraud and error.  If you can prove the intent to deceive, then the action in question is fraud and not a simple error.

And I’m pleased to report that the group came up with that same basic conclusion.

But the most interesting point in the discussion, at least for me, was made by the lady sitting at the end of my table.

She reasoned that people are open and honest with others when they feel unconditional acceptance from others.  No matter who they are or what they do, they are assured that they will be accepted.  There is no Fear of Rejection; therefore, no need for deception or dishonesty.

The only reason to be dishonest with others or yourself — to intentionally deceive — is to hide something that you don’t want others to see.  If IT — whatever IT is — is revealed, there is the fear of disapproval and rejection from others. 

By saying, “I am dishonest because I fear rejection by others, if I reveal my true self” sounds like I’m blaming others for my dishonesty. 

Because you won’t like me for who I am, I’m going to intentionally lie to you.  I’m blaming you for my deceitful actions.  

Something’s just not right about that, but what is it?

Am I being dishonest because of others or because of myself? 

Am I surrounding myself with people who won’t accept me for who I am… or am I embarrassed with whom I’ve become and am being dishonest with myself as well as with others? 

If I’m hiding my true self because I’m hanging around people who won’t accept me for who I am, then I need to disassociate myself from those people and surround myself with people who accept me for who I am. 

If I’m doing something against my core principles that makes me ashamed of who I am — something that makes me hide from myself… that makes me lie to myself — then I must take a long, hard, and honest look at myself and work toward returning to my core principles.

In either case, I can’t blame you for my actions — for my dishonesty.  I have to accept the consequences of my own deception and change things to right the wrongs I’ve inflected. 

If I’m being dishonest, I’m either hanging around the wrong people, or I’m going against my core principles.

If I’m dishonest, it’s because I’m doing something wrong. 

It’s as simple as that. 



.