The Business of Relating

A couple of weeks ago, I had an interesting encounter with a cousin of mine.  He wanted my opinion before contacting his lawyer.

He had retained this lawyer to help him with a personal matter, and now that the situation has been resolved — and satisfactorily, he admits — he wanted to close his account with the lawyer.  To facilitate that, he emailed the lawyer a request for an accounting of his charges and a return of the portion of the retainer that still remained in his account.

The lawyer did as he was asked and sent an accounting of the charges — showing a remaining balance of $500 — but, as he told my cousin before, the retainer was nonrefundable.

This was what had gotten my accountant cousin so upset.  He felt that he should be able to get the unused portion back.  The lawyer had taken advantage of him by taking something that did not belong to him — something that he had not earned.   

To make his point, he drafted an email and wanted me to review it before sending it.

 

In the email, he shared his frustration.  He went as far as to write that he felt betrayed by this professional who was supposed to be a trusted advocate and advisor.  He proceeded to tell the lawyer everything that was wrong with the accounting practices within his firm… and if he wanted other clients to feel just as betrayed as he did, then continue on his current path.

As I finished reading, my cousin added that he's so upset that he's prepared to go on the Internet, share his complaint through various social networks, and  lead a negative campaign to stop this small law practice from stealing money from other unsuspecting and trusting souls. 

Yes, he’s ready to destroy this man’s practice over $500 — because it’s the principle of the thing.

I listened… and listened… and listened.  When he was done, I asked a question.

From what he told me, the lawyer is competent, easy to talk to, and genuine.  He prevented my cousin from having to go to court and saved untold court costs and other legal fees in the process.  The only issue he seems to have is his wanting to close the account before the remaining $500 is used up. 

If that’s the issue, is there another legal matter that this firm could help him with, thereby using up the $500 instead of forfeiting the retainer?

The main question is:  If the lawyer did a good job for him, does he really want to sever that relationship? 

If he sends the email as drafted, he would, most certainly, sever the relationship and would not be able to turn to that lawyer again.  Is that what he really wants to do?

He stopped for a long moment.  In that moment, I saw him switch from an angry accountant who focused on the calculated figures to a person who valued relationships over dollars. 

Because he didn’t want to sever the relationship, he decided to take the weekend to calm down before doing anything more. 

****  

Weeks later, I asked my cousin if things worked out with the lawyer situation.

Yes, it did.   He did some research and that it was customary for lawyers to have nonrefundable retainers.  He also realized that he was really angry with himself for not keeping “on top” of the accounting issue in the first place.  It was just easier to blame the lawyer instead.

In the meantime, the lawyer had called him and told him that the account would remain opened; and the remaining balance would be available for my cousin whenever he needed legal help.

So, yes, things worked out; and it always will, when one places relationships ahead of everything.

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What Could Have Been

I woke up this morning from an uncomfortable dream—and its memory has been haunting me all day. 

It dealt with an unhealthy relationship that I broke off years ago. 

In the dream, I was still attached to that person.  The breakup never happened. 

In the dream, I was still being belittled in front of others by this person—trying to make me feel less than worthy.

In the dream, the person still pushed me around and expected me to jump when I was told to jump.

*****

I woke up disheveled and breathless — wondering why such feelings and scenes flooded my dreams and saturated my thoughts… and why now?

Maybe they were there to remind me of what could have been.

Maybe they were there to reassure me that I made the right decision — even if it was a hard decision to make… and even harder to follow through, once made.

Maybe they were there to reinforce the fact that I’m better on my own than with someone like that.

Maybe they were there to celebrate the person I’ve become...

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A Hard Pill to Swallow

I’m still reading Dr. Burns’ book, Feeling Good Together. 

Dr. Burns prescribes a hard pill for us to swallow.  

Basically, he says we get out of relationships — and life — exactly what we put into them.  Because we create the problems that we complain about, we have to accept our role in our conflicts and troubled relationships.

OUCH!!!  That’s awfully hard to swallow!

No! That can’t be true!  We’re not the troublemakers.  We’re the innocent victims in all of this.  We can — and are eagerly prepared to — list all the reasons why it’s the other person’s fault and not ours…

And as we relentlessly defend ourselves — and righteously blame others — we prove Dr. Burns right.

Once we accept his diagnosis, it’s up to us to follow his professional advice — which is to actually stop and listen to what the other person is trying to tell us — and find the piece of truth in their criticism… no matter how painful it may be to admit to it.

His book gives examples, encourages us to do exercises, and outlines techniques to effective communication that can diffuse difficult situations. 

And as I’m reading the book, I’m struck with the feeling that it’s a lot of work to effectively communicate and diffuse volatile situations — and he expects me to be the one making ALL the effort — while my friends, family, co-workers, etc. are reaping the rewards of all my hard work.  How is that fair?  Why is it that I’m doing all the work?  Shouldn’t there be some give and take in all of this? 

Yes, but there are two things to remember in all of this. 

The first thing to always remember is:  We can’t change others, only ourselves.  If we want to change our relationships with others, we have to change ourselves.

And the second thing is:  Even though it’s frustrating at times, if you love whomever you’re fighting with, you’ll do what is necessary to diffuse the situation, break down barriers, and become closer to each other. 

Even if it means you have to swallow your ego to do it... and that's such a hard pill to swallow.

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Righteousness and Judgment

A friend recommended the relationship book, “Feeling Good Together,” by David D. Burns, MD.

I just started reading it and, so far, I like what he has to say — mostly, because what the good doctor has to say agrees with what we’ve been saying in our books and blog.

There is one thing that did strike me as… well, as not correct… in my humble opinion. 

Now, I know that I’m not an MD— or a clinical professor or psychiatry or a scholar at Harvard Medical School — or anything like that, but I do have a right to my opinion; and with your indulgence, I get to share it with you.

In the book, Dr. Burns lists 12 motives that compete with love:  power/control; revenge; justice/fairness; narcissism; pride/shame; scapegoating; truth; blame; self-pity; anger/bitterness; competition; and hidden agendas.

You probably can guess which ones I want to pull out of his list.  I think truth and justice/fairness shouldn’t be in this list.  Instead, I think righteousness and judgment should take their places.

In explaining how justice and fairness compete with love, Dr. Burns gives an example of road rage.  A gentleman is driving along, and another car comes up behind him, trying to force him to increase his speed.  Instead, he slows down, trying to force the other party to go around him — a means of taking back control.  The other party simply crawled up to the guy’s rear bumper and started honking at him and making obscene gestures. 

The story ends with the two cars getting off the road and one gentleman pulling out a crossbow and shooting the occupants of the second car… in his crusade for justice.

Well, I really don’t see justice or fairness playing a role in any of that.  I simply see people fighting for control and feeling righteous in their pursuit of that control.

Dr. Burns uses truth in the same manner.  He feels that: “Truth is the cause of nearly all the suffering in the world today.”  To help his readers accept his hypothesis, he agrees that his statement is an exaggeration, but that we must agree that the battle over Truth nearly always fuels hostilities.

No.  I cannot and will not agree with his assessment — with his “version of the truth.”

You see, there are different shades of truth.  There’s my perception of the truth and there’s yours.  There’s my side of the story, and there’s yours.  Hostilities come about when your truth and my truth do not match.  The harder I try to convince you that my truth is right — and your truth is wrong — the greater the conflicts, hostilities, and barriers to love become.  I agree with all of that.

My point is that Truth — the whole Truth and nothing but the Truth — is not the cause of the hostilities.  It’s what we do with Truth that fuels hostilities.  It’s how we manipulate the Truth for our self-interest that creates barriers to love. 

Do we hold on to it, as a shield of judgment — keeping others away?  Do we hold it up as a flame of righteousness — eager to burn those who disagree with us? 

If we do, then it’s not Truth that’s the culprit.  The fault lies within the two motives we cherish more than Truth… and more than each other.  The fault lies within Righteousness and Judgment. 

But that's just my opinion...

What's yours?

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Graphics Update

The other day, we met with the graphic artist at my house.  The meeting went well… I think. 

We’re all on the same page, again… I think. 

When it became clear that my words weren’t doing the job in explaining my vision for the cover, I attempted to sketch out what I was seeing in my mind’s eye.   

The penciled sketch was able to give a tangible image to the message we wanted, and Katherine shared this rough sketch with the graphic artist.  

To his credit, he didn’t laugh or scoff at it.   He actually said it was quite helpful, and what we wanted was “doable.”   

The graphic artist even asked if he could take a copy of the sketch with him. 

Without missing a beat, Katherine asked for a copy (signed and dated) for herself, so she could put it up at her home…

I’m now imagining my sketch tacked on her refrigerator — where, of course, all great artwork is displayed. 

It’ll sit amidst a number of colorful Picasso-like pictures her 7-year-old son has done for her — and with them sitting side-by-side, it’ll be hard to tell who drew which…

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I Feel Time Slipping Away From Me

I’m a bit frustrated… no, I’m a lot frustrated.  Another 90 days have passed, and our book is still not published.

The manuscript is at the graphic artist’s office.  Over the months we've been working with him, I’ve been emailing him my ideas for the cover art.  Katherine has been reinforcing what I’ve been telling him… so, we were more than a little surprised with what he sent us as his drafts.

It's a sobering realization that we're not as good as we thought in communicating our ideas to others...

Anyway, we’re literally back to the drawing board… and with each new detour and hurdle, I feel time is slipping away from me… never to return…

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Drape Those You Love With Respect and Honor

I was on one of the writers’ message boards the other day, and someone posted the following question:

What if your partner doesn't support you in your writing venture?

She went on to write that she runs into acknowledgements and dedication pages of books full of gratefulness to the writers’ spouses, partners, and parents for their support in the arduous journey toward publication.  But what if your loved ones don't support you?  How do you wade through the rejections, fight the self-doubts, and retain your self-worth?

A number of writers chimed in, sharing how their spouses are as unsupportive as hers, and it was deadly to their writing.  One said that her spouse would verbally support her, but his actions built a wall that separated her from her dream. One said that her husband told her she will fail in her attempts at reaching her dream.   One was told her writing endeavor was a complete waste of time.  One gentleman said he gave up his creative passion for 20 years, trying to satisfy his woman; and in doing so, his soul withered.  The stress would have killed him, if the relationship hadn’t crumbled first.  Some advised her to turn to other writers for support — those with the same passions and in the same situation…

They (sort of) addressed the issue…but indirectly.  To me, the real issue has more to do with the lack of “support”— and less to do with the “writing venture.”   

Those responding to her question never came out and said that if your loved ones are not interested in supporting you in your personal mission, your aspirations, and your dreams — whatever those may be — then there’s something lacking…there’s someone missing… in the relationship. 

When your loved ones — whether they be your family, friends, or lovers — don’t take an interest in what you’re doing… and in how you’re feeling… then, they’ve “checked out” of the relationship.  They are not respecting and honoring the relationship, as it currently exists.  They may have at one time… but no longer.

What happened over time, I don't know.  All I know is that when you no longer feel respected and honored in a relationship, you will search out those who will fulfill your needs…

Simply put:  A relationship cannot thrive if it’s not draped in respect and honor — like a warm blanket shared by two people, bringing them closer together.

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Non-Huggers, Be Forewarned!

I was in a silly mood in water aerobics this morning.  It was just minutes before class, and the several women were still wading in, focusing on finding that perfect spot they’ve picked out for themselves.

One such lady was coming right toward me.  She didn’t seem to see me standing there, because that imaginary spot of hers had her full attention.  If she continued on her current course, she’d have collided into me. 

Foreseeing this, I could have moved… but I didn’t. 

I simply stood there with my arms outstretched, with a silly grin on my face, waiting for some reaction from her…

Still nothing from her… 

She just kept coming.

So, I stood there, arms outstretched, acting as the pool’s silent, silly-grinning tollgate.

It wasn’t until she was just inches away that she finally noticed me.  She stared at me for a couple of seconds — expecting me to move — but, then, she saw my silly grin.

Her facial expression changed as things started to register with her.  She stretched out her arms as well, and gave me the hug I was waiting for.  Only then, was she allowed to pass.

She commented that her husband and she just had a conversation about this same thing at breakfast this morning.  Her husband is from a family that regularly hugs each other.  She, on the other hand, came from a family that never hugged each other — so she’s not used to all this hugging.  Her husband simply told her that she’ll just have to get used to it.

That opened up a “hug” discussion among the group.  The instructor mentioned that, years ago, her daughter dated a young man who grew up in a family that didn’t hug.  Her family is a hugging family.  At first, whenever this guy came to family functions, he was uncomfortable when he was treated as “part of the hugging family.”  This “young man” is, now, the instructor’s son-in-law; and he’s been converted.  He simply surrenders to the hugs…

The rest of the ladies’ stories ended the same way.  Between the battle of the huggers and the non-huggers, the huggers always won over their opponents. 

I came from a non-hugging family, so it’s not surprising that the first — and best, in my humble opinion — inspirational/motivational speaker I latched onto was Leo Buscaglio, Ph.D. — aka "Dr. Love."  He also was an author and a professor in the Department of Special Education at the University of Southern California.

While at the University, he always took an interest in his students.  One week, he noticed that one of his more responsive students was missing for several of his classes.  Because he missed her inquisitive face, he asked around and learned that she had committed suicide. 

This news devastated Leo.  He never wanted to lose another student to suicide, again.  Because of that, he focused on how important human connection was to life.  He began a non-credit course called Love 1A, which focused on the need for human connection, arguing that social bonds are essential to transcending the stresses of everyday life.  Human contact enriched life and crossed communication gaps between generations. 

He’s written a number of books — and each book embraces you with his humor, his humanness, his genuineness, and his love for life and humanity.  His work is most closely associated with the topic of love and human relationships, emphasizing the value of positive human touch — especially hugs.

This association with hugging became his trademark at lectures.  After each presentation, thousands of people would line up and stand patiently, waiting to hug him.  He wouldn’t leave until the last person was hugged.  Many times, the recipients of the hugs would tell him that they couldn’t remember the last time they were hugged… it had been that long ago. 

Leo died in 1998, but you can still experience his life-giving energy through his books and even view him on YouTube. 

If you take the time to get to know him through his books and videos, you’ll see how amazingly giving he was to everyone.

And I often wonder…

What would the world be like if we all had someone like Leo in our families — an expressive and loving family member who constantly told us how wonderful we are and how wonderful life is, and who was never afraid to share his feelings or give away hugs every chance he got?

And from my little survey in the pool today, I’m feeling confident that Leo’s hugging campaign is alive and well… in more and more people.

So, non-huggers, be forewarned.  We’re coming after you!

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