Yes, our relationship was
very real. The ecstasy and love were as real as the heartaches, the pain,
and the betrayals that came along with it.
Once I started placing my
needs into the relationship, it started to fall apart. Once expectations
started to seep in, the shadows of realism started to creep in, as well.
It was in the light of day
that I realized you weren’t who you said you were. When we were face to
face, you didn’t hold the confidence you portrayed in the game. You
weren’t the protector you pretended to be.
No… you were only those
things in the game.
You were, instead, a lonely
and lost boy, looking for someone to show him the way.
In the light of day, I
understood what you needed from me, and I was more than willing to give myself
to you. I could have been your strength. I could have guided you
out of your darkness, just as you guided me through the game. I wanted to
protect you from your nightmares and your demons. I wanted to protect
you… from yourself.
But you were unwilling to
accept my strength, my support, and my love. You felt leaning on someone
else was being weak. You saw it as being less of a man. You’d
rather stand alone, free from attachment, free from commitment, than be with
me. You’d rather retreat back into your fantasy world and leave
reality behind… leaving me behind, as well.
You fought against me.
With your sharp sword of words, you cut me out of your life. You
avoided my calls, my texts, my emails — my pleas for contact and comfort.
I had to face the fact that —
as hard as I tried — I couldn’t sustain what we had… not on my own. I
couldn’t sustain the magic we once held. I couldn’t do it on my
own.
But at the same time, I
didn’t like feeling our connection slipping from my hands. I wanted to
hold on to it, because I was sure that I would never experience that depth of
love, emotions, and connection with any other person. I would never feel
that way again… and I wasn’t ready to give that up…
I knew that I would never be
able to replace what we had together.
And that was when I realized
I had to let go of what we had…
I was holding on to the dream
of what we had…
“What we had” is gone now, so it is futile to long for something
that I can never have again.
This longing for you holds no
logic — only pain for me.
Was it because our connection
was so spontaneous and our passion so intense that our relationship couldn’t
sustain our need for each other?
Was the intensity of our
feelings not stable enough to function outside of the fantasy?
Is it that
fantasy has its own place, and when it tries to cross over to the real
world, it loses its enchantment?
Does realism dissolve the
shadowy dream we created by our longings and desires?
.
