Why Am I Trying So Hard?

Why am I trying so hard to get published?  Because I want to quit my day job.

I’m tired of being frustrated everyday, from the moment I walk into the office to the moment I rush out its door at the end of the day.

I keep telling people that Frustration = Unfulfilled Expectations.

I keep telling people that the only way to reduce one’s frustration is to either work toward fulfilling one’s expectations or reduce the expectations to a level that can be fulfilled.

I test this theory over and over again — more than I can count — and everywhere I go. 

And I can tell you that the ONE place this NEVER works for me is at work!

Why doesn’t this work for me at work? 

Ironically, it’s my supervisor who unravels this mystery. 

She says it’s because I am a logical person in a place where logic is banned and that I’ve never learned how not to care about things.

      

The only way I can reduce my frustration at work is to stop thinking and stop caring… and I can’t do either.

So, I am predestined to be frustrated every moment of every day at work.

That’s why I’m trying so hard to get published — so I can quit my day job.

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Giving It Another Try…and Another… and Another

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Well, since we’re revamping the relationship book again, Katherine wants to try reaching out to literary agents (again) to see if they can knock on the mega-publishers’ doors for us.

Early responses back from those inquiries are not helpful.  Many won't take new authors, only established authors recommended by other established authors.  Others only accept "full-length" books.

I asked the agent exactly what her definition of "full-length" books was...  since, in my mind, a book is as long as it needs to be to get your story told — no longer or shorter than that.   If it's shorter than that, then  it's not complete; if it's longer than that, then you're wasting your readers' valuable time with redundancy and unwanted rhetoric.

So, I’m back on the computer doing what I hate, Hate, HATE doing!!

And what’s my reward for doing it?  I’m positioned and posed for more and more “encouraging letters of hope” to fill my inbox.

Yeah, I hate, Hate, HATE this part!

But, I keep telling myself that at least this exercise — no matter what the outcome — will, ultimately, lead us in the right direction. 

[P.S. The literary agent did explain that there is a higher price break for books of 55,000 words or more, and she is only interested in pursuing higher page-count books.]

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What Can You Get For A Dollar?

I know this is hard to fathom, but something at work really excited me today!

It’s not hard to guess that this “something” had nothing to do with work…

This “something” was able to lift my spirits, put an extra skip in my step, and encouraged me to look to the future with optimism and hope — and I had simply stumbled upon it, without knowing.

I walked into the opened word processing area, as Julie was collecting dollars from her co-workers.  She looked at me and asked, “You want to put a dollar into the Powerball pool?”  

 

“Oh, OH!!!  Yeah!  I’ll be right back!”

I skipped to my office and pulled out a crisp new dollar bill, skipped back, and handed it over.

“Thank you for asking me to join you guys.  How much are we going to win?”
 

“$171 million, but, now, I guess I have to ask everyone else if they want to join, too.”  

As Julie went off asking the rest of the department if they wanted to participate, I started calculating how much I would get, once taxes were taken out and the pot was split.

What seemed like minutes later, the tickets were purchased and copies were handed out.  After that, there was nothing left to do but dream about what we were going to do with the money — and we had three days to dream! 

Another co-worker commented that she had to put in the dollar, because how stupid would she feel if we won and she wasn’t part of the pool?  After all, someone has to win…

Just as she said this, a very adamant voice from around the corner yells out, “No!  That’s not true.  No one has to win!”

“I guess you didn’t enter the pool.”

“No, I didn’t.  Why waste the dollar?!”

I just sat back, thinking that the dollar wasn’t wasted.  Even if we didn’t win, this single dollar gave me something fun to think about; it gave my co-workers and me something in common… something to smile about…and something to dream about.  It made the day go faster at work.

No… the dollar wasn’t wasted. 

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I Wish I Took the Risk

I was walking back from the bank to my office.  It was a hot, sunny day; and I was crossing an open field next to a hotel that allowed dog owners to bring their dogs.

While I was crossing the field, I heard a woman’s voice yelling for Bella. 

I turned around and saw a cute little black dog running around — and away from her owner — just happy to be free.  Trailing behind her was her leash along with her tired and irritated owner. 

I stood there, quietly, waiting for the dog to notice me.  I patted my leg for her to come visit me.  She ran as fast as she could, and we greeted each other.  As I petted her, I picked up her leash, untangled her legs from it, and waited for Bella’s owner to retrieve her.

The woman came over slowly — still irritated.  I smiled and handed over the leash.  The woman didn’t return the smile, nor did she get close enough or extend her arm out far enough to grab the leash.

I had to lean up and over Bella to reach the owner's hand, who wasn't helping matter.  I was definitely feeling her need for more space between us.  

At some point, she appeared to have the leash, but just to make sure I asked.

“Are you OK? You have it?”

“Yeah.”

“You sure you’re OK?”

“Yeah.”

And with that, she turned around to take Bella back to the hotel.

There was no “Thank you” or any other niceties from her to allow me into her world. 

I think back to that encounter and wonder... if I had tried harder to break down her barrier, what would I have found there?  I have no idea what her struggles are, but could sharing her frustrations for a moment ease her day?  Would simply knowing that someone noticed — and wanted to help — have made her feel better?

There’s a fine line between reaching out to people and intruding into their private space — and with strangers, you have no idea where that line falls.   Some people are just not comfortable letting others in… let alone, letting strangers in.

I think back and remember how her behavior told me that she wasn’t comfortable with the help I had already given.  Reaching even deeper into her space would have pushed her farther away.

But part of me still wishes that I had taken the risk.  What if I was wrong, and I could have made her feel better — even if for that one moment?

Yeah.  Next time, I'll take the risk.

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What Defensive Driving and Relationships Have in Common

It’s time to renew my auto insurance… again.

I don’t know how your insurance company does it, but mine gives a discount for taking a driver safety program.  I thought it was a good idea.  Who couldn’t use a refresher course on safe driving?  So, I contacted my insurance agent, to see how I can get into the program. 

My insurance agent actually discouraged me from taking the defensive driving course.  She said the discount wasn’t worth the time and paperwork.

I never heard of an insurance agent discouraging clients from doing whatever they can to avoid accidents, but then again, I’m not in the insurance business and don’t have the adequate information to intelligently discuss the matter with her.  Instead, I just went around her to get the driver safety program.

What was so amazing about this program was that every page echoed the lessons we’re sharing with others about relationships. 

Things like:

• You’re the only person who can control your behavior.
• You can’t control all the conditions around you.  All you can do is control your actions and how you deal with those conditions.
• Think before you act.  Think about the actions and consequences of those actions — to avoid collusion or confrontations.
• Be patient with others.  Show courtesy, respect, and dignity. Give others the benefit of the doubt.  The more courtesy and respect you give, the more you receive from others.
• Avoid driving or interacting with others when angry, upset, or overly tired.
• Anger is a mental condition that grows out of some other emotion (e.g., insecurity, fear, etc.).  Once you identify the underlying emotion, you can start to control your anger. 
• Many feel that being aggressive — or being an aggressive driver — is taking control, but the opposite is true.  The major cause of aggression is a loss of personal control in some aspect of a person’s life.  Aggression only leads to more aggression and can grow into road rage. 
• Make your own decisions and do not give up control to another or to random emotions.
• For every decision you make, there are consequences.
• The consequence of poor decisions can be devastating.

As I look over this list, I wonder... what if we’d all pledge to follow these concepts on the road and in our relationships? 

I bet if we would, there would be much fewer fatalities in both areas.

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OH, NO YOU DIDN’T!!!

I’ve shared with you that I volunteer with an e-mentoring program.   It’s a way to help hundreds/thousands of students as they transition from junior high to high school and out into the adult world.

I’m working with a number of super kids this year — very bright, intuitive, caring, and confident. 

Let me give you a quick example:

One of the assignments asked the mentees to answer the following question:  

“Is there anyone your age who has a job that you envy or a job that you know will help them get into college or into better employment? Describe the job that you envy.  Could you find a similar job for yourself? Why or why not?”

 

When I first read that question, I saw red... really RED!  All I could think of was:

OH, NO YOU DIDN’T!!!

The problem with the program's question is that it sets up the impression that it’s acceptable to feel envious of another’s good fortune — without re-enforcing the importance of the warning signals behind such a feeling.  It opens a door into a darkened room, without making any attempt to shed light on the issues that underlie feelings of envy and jealousy.
 
The best test of a healthy self-image is how excited and pleased you are when something good happens to another.  Am I as excited about your good fortune as you are?  If I’m not, then I’m struggling with insecurities and doubts about my self-image.   

Even if the organization doesn’t get it, my students do!  I just love one of my student’s answer to this question. 

She wrote:  “… and if my friends did have a good job, I wouldn't envy them; I would be proud for them.”

I’m really proud of her, and she’s just one of the amazing kids I’ve met through this volunteer program.  

[As a side note:  I emailed the organization and asked if they could reconsider the wording of that particular question.  We'll see what response I get from them.]

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The Institution of Marriage

Well, that last entry generated quite a discussion between Katherine and me. 

The main point of the debate dealt with the sentence:  “She’s making her plans based on the promise of marriage.” 

Katherine felt that that sentence focused on the institution of marriage as a functional means to an end — and not the ongoing courtship for two people in a relationship.  Was that my intent?

Well, I guess so.  My actual intent was to describe what I saw — not what I thought ought to be. I was describing what was, not what should be… in my humble opinion.

People get married for various reasons — only one being that they desire a long-lasting and healthy relationship with each other.

I’ve had many, many, many friends tell me their stories: 

• When they were in their twenties, my friends would tell me that they planned to be married by a certain age, with two children (first the boy, followed by a girl) — and these promises were made without a Mr. Right in the picture. 
• Others got married to escape from their current situation.
• A week before her wedding, another friend confessed that she didn’t think her fiancé was the right guy for her, but she’s going to marry him, because she’s afraid of being alone.
• Another friend told me she settled for her husband because she was afraid that time was slipping away.  She didn’t want to wait any longer, in the hopes of someone else asking her, because she was convinced that no one else would ask her.
• Several friends tell me that they got married, simply because it was expected of them — expected (and a little pressured) by their family, friends, colleagues, etc. 
• Others felt that marriage was the next step.  They were dating the same guy for a while, and it was time to get married — just like becoming parents was the next step after that, even though they never felt that nurturing craving for children.    

Add to their stories, the stories of those who marry for money, prestige, control, and power. 

Add to their stories, the stories of arranged marriages of past and present— made all over the world.

Add to that how corporate America and the government financially reward married couples over singles and that companies are more generous and lenient with those with families than those without.

And don't get me wrong!  I've had friends tell me that they married their best friend, that they married their soul-mates, the love of their lives, their one and only... and that they're in a never-ending courtship.  They admit it takes work and unending commitment.  They've had their ups and downs... but it's all worth it.  

So, yeah… the institution of marriage has its advantages.  For many, marriage brings with it a sense of maturity, dependability, normalcy, financial assistance, social acceptance, respect, companionship, love, acceptance, and partnership. 

I see nothing wrong with this… just as long as the expectations and needs of all those involved are being met.

The problem arises when one party wants more from the relationship than the other.  One may be needing more than the other is capable of giving.  Unfulfilled expectations start to create distance between the couple and family unit.  Resentment and anger moves into the spaces where respect, trust, and acceptance once lived. 

One friend was in a relationship and decided that it was much easier to break things off than it was to invest the time and energy needed to get her needs met with a particular partner.  She’d rather be on her own than be dissatisfied in the relationship.

She felt conflicted by her decision because she felt she would be disappointing so many people if she ended the relationship.  She feared that her family and friends would label her as being selfish and childish. 

I, on the other hand, applauded her for her self-awareness, self-assessment, and honesty.  It would have been unethical to go into a partnership with another person, already knowing that she was not willing to put forth the ongoing effort necessary to sustain the partnership. 

So… what marriage is and what it ought to be are two different things.  I can’t define what a marriage “ought to be” for a couple.  Only those involved in the marriage can do that.

What I can tell you is that both parties’ expectations and needs must be met if it is to be a successful partnership.

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What I’ve Learned From My Friends

I’m fascinated and intrigued by relationships—all different types and in every stage.  

For example, I have three friends.  Each is involved in a relationship.

One friend is very happy in her new relationship.  She enjoys every moment she’s able to look into her lover’s eyes and be in his arms.  They take one day at a time and let each day flow into the next.  They spend their time together, discovering what makes the other happy and fulfills each other’s needs and wants.  Issues are ironed out with a caring hand and a caressing kiss.  There’s a delightful acceptance of each other’s differences that has been built into their relationship.

I have another friend who is about to get married.  She is busy strategically planning her life for the next 3-5 years — from wedding day, to a home purchase, to the birth of their first child, second child, and so on.  She has a rigorous and ambitious schedule laid out for the two of them.  The fiancé, on the other hand, has his own (and different) plans in mind.  Because they are dealing with so many life-changing and stressful issues, each disagreement challenges the relationship’s stability.

My third friend finds herself in a dead relationship with her ex-husband.  For financial and functional reasons, they maintain a house together, but it’s not a home.  They do not share things with each other.  They no longer talk to each other, and if they do exchange words, it is in a destructive manner.  They treat each other as roommates — hostile ones, at that. 

I listen to my three friends, as they share their lives with me.  Each person has a different personality and, therefore, addresses issues in different ways.  Each is in a different stage of her relationship.  One is at the very beginning, enjoying each day as it comes.  The second is looking past today and focusing on the future.  She’s making her plans based on the promise of marriage.  The third one is dealing with the broken promises that have cemented her to her marriage...

I sit here, thinking how much we can learn from each of them: 

• To enjoy the moments we have with each other, while planning for the days to come
• To embrace the desire to please each other
• To be accepting of the strengths and weaknesses of each person
• To always be open and available to listen and communicate with each other
• To constantly learn from one another
• To never lose respect for each other... nor for the partnership that is embedded in a healthy relationship
• To acknowledge and accept when a healthy relationship no longer exists

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