The Institution of Marriage

Well, that last entry generated quite a discussion between Katherine and me. 

The main point of the debate dealt with the sentence:  “She’s making her plans based on the promise of marriage.” 

Katherine felt that that sentence focused on the institution of marriage as a functional means to an end — and not the ongoing courtship for two people in a relationship.  Was that my intent?

Well, I guess so.  My actual intent was to describe what I saw — not what I thought ought to be. I was describing what was, not what should be… in my humble opinion.

People get married for various reasons — only one being that they desire a long-lasting and healthy relationship with each other.

I’ve had many, many, many friends tell me their stories: 

• When they were in their twenties, my friends would tell me that they planned to be married by a certain age, with two children (first the boy, followed by a girl) — and these promises were made without a Mr. Right in the picture. 
• Others got married to escape from their current situation.
• A week before her wedding, another friend confessed that she didn’t think her fiancé was the right guy for her, but she’s going to marry him, because she’s afraid of being alone.
• Another friend told me she settled for her husband because she was afraid that time was slipping away.  She didn’t want to wait any longer, in the hopes of someone else asking her, because she was convinced that no one else would ask her.
• Several friends tell me that they got married, simply because it was expected of them — expected (and a little pressured) by their family, friends, colleagues, etc. 
• Others felt that marriage was the next step.  They were dating the same guy for a while, and it was time to get married — just like becoming parents was the next step after that, even though they never felt that nurturing craving for children.    

Add to their stories, the stories of those who marry for money, prestige, control, and power. 

Add to their stories, the stories of arranged marriages of past and present— made all over the world.

Add to that how corporate America and the government financially reward married couples over singles and that companies are more generous and lenient with those with families than those without.

And don't get me wrong!  I've had friends tell me that they married their best friend, that they married their soul-mates, the love of their lives, their one and only... and that they're in a never-ending courtship.  They admit it takes work and unending commitment.  They've had their ups and downs... but it's all worth it.  

So, yeah… the institution of marriage has its advantages.  For many, marriage brings with it a sense of maturity, dependability, normalcy, financial assistance, social acceptance, respect, companionship, love, acceptance, and partnership. 

I see nothing wrong with this… just as long as the expectations and needs of all those involved are being met.

The problem arises when one party wants more from the relationship than the other.  One may be needing more than the other is capable of giving.  Unfulfilled expectations start to create distance between the couple and family unit.  Resentment and anger moves into the spaces where respect, trust, and acceptance once lived. 

One friend was in a relationship and decided that it was much easier to break things off than it was to invest the time and energy needed to get her needs met with a particular partner.  She’d rather be on her own than be dissatisfied in the relationship.

She felt conflicted by her decision because she felt she would be disappointing so many people if she ended the relationship.  She feared that her family and friends would label her as being selfish and childish. 

I, on the other hand, applauded her for her self-awareness, self-assessment, and honesty.  It would have been unethical to go into a partnership with another person, already knowing that she was not willing to put forth the ongoing effort necessary to sustain the partnership. 

So… what marriage is and what it ought to be are two different things.  I can’t define what a marriage “ought to be” for a couple.  Only those involved in the marriage can do that.

What I can tell you is that both parties’ expectations and needs must be met if it is to be a successful partnership.

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