Relating Over the Internet

I found myself in an awkward situation the other day.  I met a young man over the Internet, and we were conversing through email for 2 days. 

On the first day, he asked if I wanted a picture of his penis.  

Ummm... No, thank you. 

So, on the second day, he attached four pictures of his penis and asked what I thought.

Among other things, I thought that he placed himself in a very vulnerable position… in more ways than one… 

Ignoring the fact that he wasn’t respecting my wishes and wasn’t taking my feelings into consideration, he just sent a stranger compromising pictures of himself that could easily be used against him.  He has no idea what I would do with them.  Such private photos can have negative future effects for him in the hands of an unscrupulous or vindictive person. 

I also thought this young man was being rude, immature, insensitive, and thoughtless.  He opened both of us up to an embarrassing and hurtful situation.  No matter how I respond to this, feelings will be hurt. 

Since I had no idea how to respond to these unsolicited photos, I simply ignored them.  I hoped that this snapshot in time would soon evaporate into a distant memory and quietly dissolve into some invisible Internet cloud to float far, far away from me.

But that Internet cloud came back as a thunderstorm.

This “gentleman” told me how hurt he was.  He trusted me enough to send very private pictures of himself, and I ignored such a gift. 

I told him that I understood his feelings, and I apologized for not responding in the manner that he wanted.  Hurting his feelings was not my intent.  I felt like I was put in a lose/lose situation.  I just knew that whatever I would’ve said would’ve been wrong.  I just didn't know what he wanted from me.

His response to that was that I have low self-esteem and that I need therapy — professional help.  I'm obviously compensating for something missing in my life and am hiding that fact from myself — so that I don't have to deal with it.  He went on to tell me that he’s been with a couple of women and they never complained…

And that’s pretty much the direction the rest of his response took…

I realize this person is only 26 and has a lot to learn, but I am concerned for him, because I fear that he will be hurt more and more if he follows his current path.  There are consequences to one’s actions.  No matter how much you want to fault others — sooner or later — the consequences of your actions will catch up to you. 

Trust is built over a longer period of time than 2 days.  Using the word “trust” in describing a person you’ve only known from 3 or 4 emails will bring betrayal and hurt with it — and indiscriminately sending compromising pictures to strangers will damage your reputation and credibility.

This person may act differently with those he meets face to face, but I would think that the same consideration, precautions, and respect should be given to anyone you meet — no matter where you meet them. 

Am I wrong?

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Intent

Things seem to be at a standstill with our various projects — and I can’t stay in a holding pattern for very long before I get antsy and find some creative distraction to entertain me…and I have...

I’ve turned my attention back on the “teen book” that I started last year (during another holding pattern of mine).

With everything that has happened over this past year, we’ve decided to revamp and broaden the focus of this second book.  With this book, we want to encourage everyone — teens and adults, alike — to live life to the fullest.  The book is intended to help us identify and deal with common hurdles and barriers that prevent us from following our dreams — which are the same hurdles and barriers that are preventing us from allowing others into our lives and hearts.

We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us on this second book, so it’ll be awhile before you’ll see it out — and you don’t need to wait on us before you start on your journey, but I want to caution you on something … 

Before running full-speed ahead with anything, we really need to understand the intent behind our actions.  Are we propelling ourselves to a new phase in our lives… or are we running away from our past? 

The intent behind our actions is important because it’s our intent that leads us to our ultimate outcome. 

For example, when we’re running away from something or someone, we’re focusing on getting away — and not on where we’re actually heading.  We just want to be someplace else or with someone else.  It doesn’t matter where else and with whom — just that it’s not the place or person we’ve just left.  By focusing on what we’re running away from, we can easily run right into a situation much worse than the one we’ve just left.

On the other hand, if we’re running toward something or someone, we’re looking forward to what’s ahead of us — not at what’s behind us.  We’re focusing on the future… and not on the past.

Another thing to keep in mind:  Like it or not, we’re not an island unto ourselves.  We need to take others into consideration whenever we make an important decision.  

This doesn’t mean we ignore our dreams; it means we have to be smart in the way we achieve them.  Our intent needs to focus on achieving our dreams without doing harm to ourselves or others.

Because everything is interrelated, everything we do affects others.  This means that every encounter, every decision, and every consequence to our actions affects others. 

Therefore, in everything we do, our intent must be focused on harming no one — i.e., ourselves or others — in whatever we pursue. 

That’s why, before you set off on your new adventure, it’s important to understand the intent and motive behind your actions — and focus them in the right direction. 

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Lessons in Distrust

My place of employment has dropped another notch or two on the integrity meter — if that’s possible.

Someone came into my office and stole all my cash out of my wallet.

This is the second time it’s happened. 

The last time they stole my credit card along with all my cash.  They went on a shopping spree with the card, until the credit card company cut them off.

After the first time, nothing much was done, except they gave me a drawer that would lock.

Because I had to get in and out of that drawer all day for pencils, pens, stapler, tape, scissors, etc., I only locked the drawer when I left my office for an extended length of time—e.g., a meeting, a break, etc.  I didn’t stop and lock the drawer every time I left my chair — when someone called me to help them, or when I went to the bathroom, or when my supervisor called me to her office, etc. 

But I’ve learned my lesson.  I guess the saying holds true:  First time, shame on them; second time, shame on me. 

Now, I’ve taken out all the supplies I use during the day, cluttering up my already cluttered desktop, so I can keep that drawer locked at all times.  I’m keeping the door of the office closed, when I’m in my chair and when I’m not in my chair, so people won’t have a clue as to where I am or am not.

It’s sad to say that I’m forced to alter my trusting nature to accommodate my negative and disrespectful work environment — but that’s how it is.  

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Family Tree

I hesitate to get into this subject… but I will. 

Over the centuries, civilization has idealized the “family” into an image that none of us can live up to — where the unconditional love of a mother’s kiss and embrace soothes all wounds, where the protective but compassionate arm of the father wards off evil and solves all problems, where sisterly/brotherly love covers the world with daisies and candy… and where everyone lives happily ever after…

Yeah… right…

Striving for such perfection in a family is unachievable — just like striving for individual perfection is unachievable. All we can hope for is to do the best we can with what we're given.

So, let me introduce a less poetic — but more realistic — view of “family” and see if this makes more sense...

Every family is dysfunctional in some way.

Let’s face it.  Families are made up of imperfect human beings who are struggling to balance their self-interests against others — those inside and outside of the group.  Family members are also dealing with events that are totally out of their control — no matter how hard they fight against that reality. 

If we, as individuals, have a hard time dealing with these issues, how does a group of “us-es” manage to do it…. and do it successfully? 

The honest answer is… we don’t.

Yes.  Every family is dysfunctional in some way; and it’s in the way we manage this "dysfunctionality" that defines us. 

For the majority of us, it’s through the family’s bond that we, as children, learn about physical security and emotional connections.  It was our parents who taught us the meanings of words like love, hug, kiss, and good… along with the words like hurt, hit, disappoint, bad, no-No-NO, and STOP. 

Just like we learned from our parents, our parents learned from theirs, and they from theirs, and so on.  The further back we go in this heritage-chain the more we understand how we got here.

Generations ago, families dealt with the Great Depression, the Great War, religious persecution, political turmoil, ethnic prejudice, hate crimes, etc.  Some dealt with their plights by becoming determined and self-reliant, journeying to new lands to start over, struggling to control their external environment — while burying their vulnerability and emotional needs deep inside.  Some dealt with their troubles by blaming others (e.g., the government, their employers, their families, etc.).  Some turned inward... separating themselves from society — escaping into addictions or picking up criminal or other destructive behaviors. 

Although different in their approaches, they each picked paths that prevented them from openly connecting with others — within and outside the family unit. 

And these are the ancestors that have cultivated our family trees.

Today, we’re dealing with similar economic turmoil, wars that elicit multinational involvement, religious persecution, political turmoil, ethnic prejudice, hate crimes, etc.  Without much thought and effort, we follow the paths of our ancestors. 

Sons follow in their dads’ footsteps — starting their own families and working long hours, to financially provide for the family; daughters follow in their moms’ footsteps — managing the home, while maintaining another job or two outside the home; the children are sent off to school and after-school facilities and branch out on their own — while wishing that their dads were rooted in protection and masculine guidance more and that their moms’ limbs were soothing and nurturing more…

And the members of this circle are all wishing that they were being seen and appreciated for who they are, and not just for what they do.  They want to share themselves with someone, but no one stops long enough to listen.  They want to feel loved, but no one has a clue as to what love is.

Yes, over the centuries, civilization has idealized the "family" into an image that none of us can live up to.  And over the years, these unfulfilled expectations have brought with them feelings of inadequacy, failure, guilt, blame, regrets, insecurities, abandonment, betrayal, etc. ... all because imperfect human beings failed at being the "perfect family."
 

Yes, without much thought and effort, we can follow the paths of our ancestors — and continue to blame  each other...

           … or we can stop the cycle.

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Getting the Word Out

With the writing of the first book done, it’s time to turn some of our attention to promotion.  I’m relying on Katherine to spearhead this part, because she has the experience in giving workshops and presentations — and she holds the confidence that she can share our message to a banquet hall full of people, with no problem.   The only reason why she hasn’t done this yet is because she’s waiting on the book to be in our hands.

I know… I know!  Technically, we still don’t have a book in our hands, but we will soon… <fingers crossed>

In the meantime, we’ve begun strategizing as to what avenues would work best for our goals. 

 

I told you about a therapist group proposing a workshop for a maximum of 20 people.  That got us thinking:  Doing relationship workshops for this small group may not be the best way of getting our message out — especially, if we want to reach as many people as possible… as quickly as possible. 

It may be better if we focused on a different path — one that already has a larger, built-in audience.  For example, one fifteen-minute interview  for a TV or radio talk show has the potential of reaching hundreds and hundreds of people in one broadcast — depending on the interviewer’s audience base.   

Think about it:  Doing a TV or radio interview would reach a much larger audience than 20 people at a time.  Also, they post and archive their programs on their websites.  This allows those who weren’t able to hear the live program to replay the program at a later time.  This Internet access and replay ability can give even more people the opportunity to learn about what we’re doing.

While we’re on the subject of the World Wide Web, there are also a number of bloggers who like to interview authors and share these interviews with their readers.  

Such collaboration is good for both the interviewer and interviewee.  The interviewer is able to provide guests for his or her program, while the interviewee gets her or his message out to a wide variety of people. 

So, once we get the book in our hands — which will be soon <fingers crossed> — that’s the next step we’re going to take.

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Choices That Keep Us Apart

I ran into an acquaintance the other day.  He spent our time together complaining about just how very busy he’s been…

He's working 7 days a week — 12-to-14 hours a day.  During his time off, he's volunteering at his church — becoming a member of its finance committee.  

Now, he has to post the weekly contributions and generate monthly statements for each contributing member of the church.  He has to go to the monthly meetings and review financials with the members.

On top of that, he has to make quarterly presentations to the assembly — to let everyone know where their tithing is going and to encourage them to give even more.

And, for some reason, he felt obligated to help his third cousin's ex-wife's brother's next-door neighbor with another time-consuming project... so he has to do that.

It would be one thing if he was enjoying what he was doing, but from our conversation, it doesn't seem to be the case — at least, that's what he's telling me…


He complains that all these other obligations are pulling him away from his family and friends.  He has no time for those closest to him, and they are giving him a hard time over it — and there's nothing he can do about it.  Why can't they understand?!
 
As I listened to him, I wondered if he realized that he didn’t have to do all these “things.”  He was actually choosing to do them over other things.

He’s chosen to do all these things, which makes him too busy to spend time with his wife and two boys or visit with his extended family and friends — and he's getting flak from all of them because of it.  

He disagreed.  Obviously, I don't understand the pressures he's under.  He feels so trapped and pressured by everyone around him, and he doesn't like it.  Why can't they just leave him alone?  How did he get to this point?

I felt the depth of his frustration, but his frustration stems from the consequences of his choices.  These consequences are what are feeding his feelings of being trapped and pressured.  

To stop his spiraling anxiety, he would have to be willing to change his decision-making pattern — and make different choices.  When I suggested this, he gave me a list of reasons why he couldn't stop doing what he's doing.  After all, he has to do all these things.  That's what no one seems to get!! 

As I left him, I wished him the best — and was reminded that it's our choices that keep us apart from each other.

 

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What Bugs Me?

I walked into one of the opened office rooms where a small group had gathered around Julie.  They were all staring at her sweater’s sleeve.  I asked what was so intriguing on the sleeve.

“A bug,” came the response.

So, we had five people staring at the sleeve of the sixth person, contemplating the fate of this tiny, little bug that ended up in the wrong place…

After (what seemed to be) endless minutes, the conclusion was to take the bug outside and release it into nature, to be set free to enjoy its remaining days in sunlight — something us “office-folks” long for on a daily basis…

Watching this group from afar, I couldn’t help but think how sad it was that contemplating and guiding — if not controlling — this bug’s life on a sweater’s sleeve gave us more intellectual stimulation and life’s purpose than our jobs.

 That’s what bugs me…

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