The Relationship between Mental and Physical Health

My 87-year-old mother is in the hospital with congestive heart failure.  For years, the doctors have told her that she needs to replace the valve in her heart, but she doesn’t want the operation because she’s afraid of having a stroke on the table—which is a risk.

But we can’t talk about any type of surgery now…

All we’re concerned about at the moment is getting Mom’s meds managed, getting her back on her feet, and getting her strong enough to get her home.  To do that, she’ll have to go to a rehabilitation center to regain her strength.

And before she can do that, the doctors have to get her meds managed so she’s stable enough to be discharged from the hospital.

As each day passes and new symptoms (and consequences of past trial-and-error medicines) surface, an increasingly thick layer of depression and misery hangs around.

Doctors are giving Mom a mixture of meds, trying to stabilize her, but I’m as concerned about Mom’s mental attitude as much as her physical health.  One feeds the other and vice versa.  The mixture of meds, which are causing a chemical imbalance, is also creating an emotional imbalance which is affecting her moods, outlook, and her overall health.

I’ve given up trying to contribute in this situation.  My presence is met with criticism and rebuttal.  Her extended family has rallied around her, and nothing I say or suggest is credited with any value.  They all know better than I, and I’m dismissed as soon as I arrive.    

On one hand, I’m hurt by this; but on the other hand, I’m released from the responsibility.  There are doctors and nurses in our family who are more knowledgeable than I, in this particular area. 

I know that everything happens for a reason and will work out the way it is meant to work out. 

And, even though all we can do is take one day at a time, it's hard to convince the rest of them of this unchanging and natural law...

But then again, tomorrow is another day and brings with it another chance to do better…




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Time’s Teasing Me

If I didn’t know better, I’d swear that Time was playing tricks on me — and I’m not talking about how each moment of the workweek crawls by at a snail’s pace, while the weekend flies by in a blink of an eye.  I’ve gotten use to that particular injustice.   

No, I’m talking about, literary, stopping time….

For example, in the last couple of weeks, I reconnected with a two people that I hadn’t talked to for a while.  Both brought me back to uncomfortable incidents that happened three years ago.  Neither was ready to let the past go.  Neither wanted to move forward to experience the present and fantasize about the future. 

Time has stopped for them — holding them hostage to the demons that live within the unforgiving darkness of their psyche. 

But, on the other end of the spectrum…

I was part of a celebration this weekend, where a group of us sang for others.

Unfortunately, the “administration” of the organization was more concerned about Time than genuinely celebrating the spirit of the event. 

But Time played a trick on them — on all of us, in fact. Time stopped still, and our little world had to stop in response.

It happened during one of the last songs.  A solo singer sang — a cappélla — “How Great Thou Art.”  He sang all four verses… slowly… deliberately… and soulfully.  No one moved, no one made a sound, and no one complained.

Time stopped the world, so we could appreciate his gift.

Thank you, Time.  

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Why Does Every Encounter Have to End As a Power Struggle?

Warning!!  Venting Zone Ahead!

Thank goodness I have Friday off.  It’s the beginning of the week, and I’m already fed up with the office for the week! 

My main frustration regarding the “professional" (?) work environment — in which I spend 50 hours a week — is the fact that those working there don’t respect each other.  They don’t have the attitude of working together… of collaboration… of supporting cooperation… of sustaining healthy relationships with one another.

Why does every encounter have to turn into a power struggle around here?  

Why can’t a person have a pleasant conversation with someone in the kitchen, without being reprimanded for it? 

Why are employees so focused on covering their butts, instead of focused on working together to come up with solutions?

Yeah… I’m frustrated…

All of this goes against my core value system.  I don’t like being a part of a company that has avoiding responsibility, bullying, and blaming others running freely through its vein-like corridors.  

People go around assuming the worst of others, jumping to negative conclusions, and accusing others instead of accepting the consequences of their own actions.  

This behavior is practiced and encouraged by the Head of the division; therefore, it’s understandable why this type of behavior permeates throughout the workplace. 

When I complain, they simply shrug.  If you don’t like the office politics, you’re welcome to leave.  You’re expendable… replaceable… disposable…

The saddest part is that if/when I do leave, I’ll find that the next place will be the same or even worse…

Yeah… Friday’s not coming soon enough for me…

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It’s No Wonder!

My day job is with a company that publishes educational materials for professionals.  My division deals with accounting, auditing, business consultation, governmental accounting, and tax accounting — and a bunch of other boring subjects dealing with figures, regulations, and calculations.   

Today, we received an unusual customer complaint.  An accountant said that our forensic accounting supplemental video was offensive.

Two things surprised me: 
  

• First, someone actually watched one of our boring accounting videos.  
• Second, that person found the forensic accounting material offensive.

Because this accountant wasn’t specific in detailing the complaint, we couldn’t really address whatever the problem was.  All we could do was pass on the customer's comments to the forensic investigator who created and presented the material in the video. 

But the incident does remind us that we initially come to each other as strangers… with individual expectations and personal history.  We bring along our insecurities and fears, our bias and prejudices, our judgments and righteousness, and our preconceived notions and half-truths.

With all of this going on, it’s no wonder that it’s impossible to satisfy everyone and just as impossible not to offend someone along the way — no matter how hard we try... and no matter what subject we're discussing.  

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Peer Pressure Works Both Ways

The first year on the job, I was told of the company’s fancy Holiday Party.   I was warned that there would be a lot of loud music, a lot of drinking, and a lot of embarrassing — boarding on blackmail-worthy — behavior at the party.  I was also told that — to make sure employees attended — the company made important HR announcements at this company function. 

I don’t drink nor am I comfortable in large, loud, and fancy social gatherings like this one — so, there’s nothing at this party that was appealing to me—but I felt pressured to go… because it was expected of me. 

Because I didn’t want to go — but felt pressured to go — an internal conflict was created within me.  I was full of anxiety and angst about this event.  I was in a panic about what to wear, what to do at the party, how to act, who to sit with, how long to stay… and the list went on and on. 

Yes, the first year with the company, I went to its fancy Holiday Party.  I did not have a good time.

The second year with the company, I did the same thing.  I let my co-workers and supervisors pressure me into going to the Holiday Party, spending hours of my free time wishing that I was someplace else other than “at work.”  I felt the same anxiety and angst over the event as before—and, as before, I did not have a good time.

Luckily, in the third year, the company party fell on a night that I couldn’t attend, and I sent my regrets, instead.  There was no anxiety or angst!  I simply couldn’t go — and I felt so free! 

What was the fallout for not attending a company function of this magnitude?  Nothing, really…

Yes, there was talk about what I missed at the party the next day, and my supervisor updated me on the HR announcements, but that was about it.  There was no Act of God that destroyed my little piece of the world.  The world didn’t stop revolving on its axis.  I was still employed.    

Freedom tasted so good that year that for the fourth year — and every year thereafter — I simply sent in my regrets that I wasn’t attending.   

When asked why I wasn’t attending, I’d answer truthfully.  I went a couple a times and simply didn’t enjoy myself.  That response always got an interesting reaction.  Those asking would agree with me.  They didn’t like going either, but they felt pressured to go…  They never felt that they could say, “No thanks,” without dealing with negative consequences from their superiors. 

But the next year, they joined me in sending their regrets... and guess what?

There was no Act of God that destroyed their little piece of the world.  The world didn’t stop revolving on its axis.  They were still employed. 

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Family Tree

I hesitate to get into this subject… but I will. 

Over the centuries, civilization has idealized the “family” into an image that none of us can live up to — where the unconditional love of a mother’s kiss and embrace soothes all wounds, where the protective but compassionate arm of the father wards off evil and solves all problems, where sisterly/brotherly love covers the world with daisies and candy… and where everyone lives happily ever after…

Yeah… right…

Striving for such perfection in a family is unachievable — just like striving for individual perfection is unachievable. All we can hope for is to do the best we can with what we're given.

So, let me introduce a less poetic — but more realistic — view of “family” and see if this makes more sense...

Every family is dysfunctional in some way.

Let’s face it.  Families are made up of imperfect human beings who are struggling to balance their self-interests against others — those inside and outside of the group.  Family members are also dealing with events that are totally out of their control — no matter how hard they fight against that reality. 

If we, as individuals, have a hard time dealing with these issues, how does a group of “us-es” manage to do it…. and do it successfully? 

The honest answer is… we don’t.

Yes.  Every family is dysfunctional in some way; and it’s in the way we manage this "dysfunctionality" that defines us. 

For the majority of us, it’s through the family’s bond that we, as children, learn about physical security and emotional connections.  It was our parents who taught us the meanings of words like love, hug, kiss, and good… along with the words like hurt, hit, disappoint, bad, no-No-NO, and STOP. 

Just like we learned from our parents, our parents learned from theirs, and they from theirs, and so on.  The further back we go in this heritage-chain the more we understand how we got here.

Generations ago, families dealt with the Great Depression, the Great War, religious persecution, political turmoil, ethnic prejudice, hate crimes, etc.  Some dealt with their plights by becoming determined and self-reliant, journeying to new lands to start over, struggling to control their external environment — while burying their vulnerability and emotional needs deep inside.  Some dealt with their troubles by blaming others (e.g., the government, their employers, their families, etc.).  Some turned inward... separating themselves from society — escaping into addictions or picking up criminal or other destructive behaviors. 

Although different in their approaches, they each picked paths that prevented them from openly connecting with others — within and outside the family unit. 

And these are the ancestors that have cultivated our family trees.

Today, we’re dealing with similar economic turmoil, wars that elicit multinational involvement, religious persecution, political turmoil, ethnic prejudice, hate crimes, etc.  Without much thought and effort, we follow the paths of our ancestors. 

Sons follow in their dads’ footsteps — starting their own families and working long hours, to financially provide for the family; daughters follow in their moms’ footsteps — managing the home, while maintaining another job or two outside the home; the children are sent off to school and after-school facilities and branch out on their own — while wishing that their dads were rooted in protection and masculine guidance more and that their moms’ limbs were soothing and nurturing more…

And the members of this circle are all wishing that they were being seen and appreciated for who they are, and not just for what they do.  They want to share themselves with someone, but no one stops long enough to listen.  They want to feel loved, but no one has a clue as to what love is.

Yes, over the centuries, civilization has idealized the "family" into an image that none of us can live up to.  And over the years, these unfulfilled expectations have brought with them feelings of inadequacy, failure, guilt, blame, regrets, insecurities, abandonment, betrayal, etc. ... all because imperfect human beings failed at being the "perfect family."
 

Yes, without much thought and effort, we can follow the paths of our ancestors — and continue to blame  each other...

           … or we can stop the cycle.

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How Exactly Do I Do That?

I’m frustrated, annoyed, agitated, and irritated with choir practice tonight.  I know I need to let go of these feelings… but the question is:  How exactly do I do that?

Have you ever struggled with something new — in front of a group of people — and failed miserably with it? 

Have you shared your feelings of failure with the group and have a person in the group make fun of you for it? 

Have you ever wanted to tell that person that if he had a caring bone in his body, he would have offered a supportive hand instead of a kicking foot?

Have you ever wanted to say something to a person but was afraid you’d be viewed as a jealous jerk of a joke, who deserves the ridicule? 

Have you ever been afraid of voicing your opinion for fear that you’ll be seen as the very reflection of your nemesis?

Yeah… these are the feelings I’m struggling with at the moment…

I know I have no control over anyone else — only myself — and I’m not doing a very good job at that tonight. 

I know I need to let these feelings go and move on… but the question is:   How exactly do I do that?

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A Hard Pill to Swallow

I’m still reading Dr. Burns’ book, Feeling Good Together. 

Dr. Burns prescribes a hard pill for us to swallow.  

Basically, he says we get out of relationships — and life — exactly what we put into them.  Because we create the problems that we complain about, we have to accept our role in our conflicts and troubled relationships.

OUCH!!!  That’s awfully hard to swallow!

No! That can’t be true!  We’re not the troublemakers.  We’re the innocent victims in all of this.  We can — and are eagerly prepared to — list all the reasons why it’s the other person’s fault and not ours…

And as we relentlessly defend ourselves — and righteously blame others — we prove Dr. Burns right.

Once we accept his diagnosis, it’s up to us to follow his professional advice — which is to actually stop and listen to what the other person is trying to tell us — and find the piece of truth in their criticism… no matter how painful it may be to admit to it.

His book gives examples, encourages us to do exercises, and outlines techniques to effective communication that can diffuse difficult situations. 

And as I’m reading the book, I’m struck with the feeling that it’s a lot of work to effectively communicate and diffuse volatile situations — and he expects me to be the one making ALL the effort — while my friends, family, co-workers, etc. are reaping the rewards of all my hard work.  How is that fair?  Why is it that I’m doing all the work?  Shouldn’t there be some give and take in all of this? 

Yes, but there are two things to remember in all of this. 

The first thing to always remember is:  We can’t change others, only ourselves.  If we want to change our relationships with others, we have to change ourselves.

And the second thing is:  Even though it’s frustrating at times, if you love whomever you’re fighting with, you’ll do what is necessary to diffuse the situation, break down barriers, and become closer to each other. 

Even if it means you have to swallow your ego to do it... and that's such a hard pill to swallow.

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Let’s Enjoy the Journey We’re On

I just woke up, and the first thing that struck me was a feeling of… happiness.

Usually, I wake up with my mind already racing with all the things I have to accomplish this day, this week, and this month.  I get to work and look at the calendar and lament about how quickly time flies and how much is still is left to do…

But today… Today’s different, somehow.

This morning, instead of racing through all the things I had to do, my mind filled itself with all that I’ve accomplished thus far.  My mind immediately jumped to our writing projects and how we’ve put our final touches to the book.  This weekend, we’re passing it along to the graphic designer for his layout and cover design. 

Katherine has read the last two scenes I’ve written and has dubbed the play complete.  Yea!!!  She’s planning to share it with her theatrical contacts and get some input as to how we proceed from here… Double Yea!!!

Another friend of mine — who has two very active boys — finally read her year-old posts on Facebook and is excited about giving me feedback on our children’s book, so I sent her a copy of the first of that series.

I did a quick inventory on our writing projects and we have about ten ongoing ventures in various stages — all of which have viable promotional potential and outlets.  

We’re in the process of filing for a fictitious trade name, moving toward creating a brand name and identifiable “home” for our various ventures.

So,  yeah... I know this is probably the last thing you expect coming from me (aka Ms. Impatience), but everything is falling into place and working out the way it should. 

Although, I’ve been wishing that all this would move along much faster than it has, these projects are taking the time needed to evolve into what they are meant to be.  I see that now.

Yeah… this morning was good for me.  It reminded me that I need to stop… appreciate what I have… and celebrate what I’ve accomplished, thus far.

I’m never going to stop for very long.  I’m always going to want to push to reach our goals, but every once in a while, it is important to take the time to appreciate where we are and how far we’ve come.  These little celebratory “pats on the backs” are important in this process, because they help motivate us to continue on our life-long journey.

I don’t think a lot of us do that anymore — stop… appreciate what we have… and celebrate what we’ve accomplished, thus far.  We’re so consumed with outlining our goals — and taking the appropriate steps to achieve them — that we forget to celebrate the milestones we reach along the way.

We’re so focused on getting to where we want to be that we forget to enjoy the journey along the way. 

So, this morning is a good reminder to enjoy the journey we’re on. 

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What Have I Gotten Myself Into?!

 

I ask myself this question almost daily now…  

What have I gotten myself into?!

Katherine and I made lunch plans to work on — what I had hoped would be — the finishing touches of the final version of our book. 

Yes, I’m still trying to encourage Katherine — short of chaining her to a chair — to sit still long enough for us to put this first project to bed.  She still needs to read the book through — cover to cover — and give the OK for us to move on.  We can’t move forward until she does that.

You see, Katherine — lovely person that she is — suffers from two common, modern-day diseases. 

#1:    She’s a master “multitasker” — She doesn’t focus on one thing for any length of time.  She’s involved in three or four things at a time.  She’s late for most things because she over-commits.  She tends to cancel things at the last minute... because she over-promises from the start… 

#2:    She’s also a perfectionist — She’s never satisfied with what she has accomplished.  She always wants more… always striving for more.  Projects are never “completed” because they can always be better.

How does all this affect the progress of our book?  Well, the fact that she can’t devote 30 minutes at a time, to sit down and read the book, makes it difficult for her to get through the entire book…

And when she does sit down for a couple of minutes at a time, she thinks of all the things we don’t have in the book, instead of focusing on what we have tackled in the book.  I swear that she wants this first book to capture all the answers to every question uttered by every man and woman who lived on Planet Earth… starting with Adam and Eve.

Now, mix in my impatience with her tendencies toward multitasking and perfectionism — well, let’s just say that we’re getting nowhere fast on completing the final draft of our book together.

I was really hoping that our lunch meeting would move us leaps and bounds ahead; and I was encouraged when she pulled out her laptop and started booting it up. 

But those hopes were squashed when she mentioned that, in her haste to meet me, she forgot to bring the printed manuscript that contained all her notes.  Without that printed manuscript, we couldn’t discuss her changes…but she knew she wanted to add yet another section to the book, so it would encompass even more….

As I choked down my disappointment, I agreed to work on a new section with her, because it would add to the book… but she had to promise me that this was going to be the last time!!  This adding more and more stuff had to stop at some point!!  We can’t publish the book if we never finish writing it!!

Yes, yes… she agreed.

I asked when we could get together again to pull together that new section.

Katherine:  “Well, let me think.  It’ll have to wait for a couple of weeks, because I’ve got all this other stuff to do...”


Me:  “Katherine, I don’t want another two months to go by…”


Katherine:  “I know, I know… but… I don’t have any free time…. unless…OH!  unless…”

When she outlined her plan to me, all I could think of was….

Now what have I gotten myself into?!

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Trying to Chillax

I’m taking today off and am doing nothing…well, almost nothing.

The phone has stopped ringing; the laundry is done; the vacuuming and dusting can wait for another day.

The last two weeks have been full of ups and downs: counseling friends and confessing to friends; covering for vacations at work and dealing with unreasonable deadlines; contracting and coordinating contractors to help with home maintenance issues; trying to keep my head firmly planted in reality regarding our writing projects, etc.

Yes, it’s a great feeling to be (somewhat) successful in juggling the different facets of your life… but it is also draining.  If we don’t take time out for ourselves to rejuvenate, we’ll start to lose our balance and focus. We’ll start dropping things all over the place — which isn’t a good thing to do if you’re a master juggler…

So, I’m taking a day off and just chillaxing…

At first, I’d thought I’d go to the movies, but my legs and arms have a different plan.  They’re pulling me back to bed… for an early afternoon nap and a lazy day with the TV remote.

I won’t argue with such a luxurious and guilty pleasure.

I’ll be back juggling in the morning.  See you then.

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