College Expectations

I was at a network gathering the other day and overheard a conversation.  Someone had asked a young lady what her major was and that launched her into an epic tale of why—after five years—she wasn’t close to graduating. 

She started her story with, “Well, I started out studying to be an architect, but I really didn’t want to be an architect.  I was really interested in interior design, but the college didn’t have a program in interior design, so I decided to become a teacher.  When I got into that field, I had to decide what type of teacher—elementary or middle-school...”

She shrugged a bit and continued, “I couldn’t decide, so I changed my major to business and, then, accounting, but then decided that I rather go into behavior sciences and study physical therapy to help people — but the college didn’t have the program I wanted.” 

She shrugged again, “With all the time and money I spent taking all these courses, you would think I could graduate, but the college won’t let me.  I don’t care anymore; I just want to get out!”

A friend of hers suggested that she should just major in History.  She only needs 15 credits to get a History degree and then she could graduate.

She shook her head at that idea.  “No, I don’t like to read, write, or do research, so I don’t want to study History.”    

She admitted that the college did, finally, offer a field in the Behavior Science area that she thought could be interesting, but, by this time, her GPA was too low to enter that program.

She concluded her story by blaming the college for her inability to graduate, and the group sympathized with her situation.

I do hope that she finds what she’s searching for… but I don’t think what she's searching for is in the college curriculum and course catalog. 

.

Why Does Every Encounter Have to End As a Power Struggle?

Warning!!  Venting Zone Ahead!

Thank goodness I have Friday off.  It’s the beginning of the week, and I’m already fed up with the office for the week! 

My main frustration regarding the “professional" (?) work environment — in which I spend 50 hours a week — is the fact that those working there don’t respect each other.  They don’t have the attitude of working together… of collaboration… of supporting cooperation… of sustaining healthy relationships with one another.

Why does every encounter have to turn into a power struggle around here?  

Why can’t a person have a pleasant conversation with someone in the kitchen, without being reprimanded for it? 

Why are employees so focused on covering their butts, instead of focused on working together to come up with solutions?

Yeah… I’m frustrated…

All of this goes against my core value system.  I don’t like being a part of a company that has avoiding responsibility, bullying, and blaming others running freely through its vein-like corridors.  

People go around assuming the worst of others, jumping to negative conclusions, and accusing others instead of accepting the consequences of their own actions.  

This behavior is practiced and encouraged by the Head of the division; therefore, it’s understandable why this type of behavior permeates throughout the workplace. 

When I complain, they simply shrug.  If you don’t like the office politics, you’re welcome to leave.  You’re expendable… replaceable… disposable…

The saddest part is that if/when I do leave, I’ll find that the next place will be the same or even worse…

Yeah… Friday’s not coming soon enough for me…

.

Family Tree

I hesitate to get into this subject… but I will. 

Over the centuries, civilization has idealized the “family” into an image that none of us can live up to — where the unconditional love of a mother’s kiss and embrace soothes all wounds, where the protective but compassionate arm of the father wards off evil and solves all problems, where sisterly/brotherly love covers the world with daisies and candy… and where everyone lives happily ever after…

Yeah… right…

Striving for such perfection in a family is unachievable — just like striving for individual perfection is unachievable. All we can hope for is to do the best we can with what we're given.

So, let me introduce a less poetic — but more realistic — view of “family” and see if this makes more sense...

Every family is dysfunctional in some way.

Let’s face it.  Families are made up of imperfect human beings who are struggling to balance their self-interests against others — those inside and outside of the group.  Family members are also dealing with events that are totally out of their control — no matter how hard they fight against that reality. 

If we, as individuals, have a hard time dealing with these issues, how does a group of “us-es” manage to do it…. and do it successfully? 

The honest answer is… we don’t.

Yes.  Every family is dysfunctional in some way; and it’s in the way we manage this "dysfunctionality" that defines us. 

For the majority of us, it’s through the family’s bond that we, as children, learn about physical security and emotional connections.  It was our parents who taught us the meanings of words like love, hug, kiss, and good… along with the words like hurt, hit, disappoint, bad, no-No-NO, and STOP. 

Just like we learned from our parents, our parents learned from theirs, and they from theirs, and so on.  The further back we go in this heritage-chain the more we understand how we got here.

Generations ago, families dealt with the Great Depression, the Great War, religious persecution, political turmoil, ethnic prejudice, hate crimes, etc.  Some dealt with their plights by becoming determined and self-reliant, journeying to new lands to start over, struggling to control their external environment — while burying their vulnerability and emotional needs deep inside.  Some dealt with their troubles by blaming others (e.g., the government, their employers, their families, etc.).  Some turned inward... separating themselves from society — escaping into addictions or picking up criminal or other destructive behaviors. 

Although different in their approaches, they each picked paths that prevented them from openly connecting with others — within and outside the family unit. 

And these are the ancestors that have cultivated our family trees.

Today, we’re dealing with similar economic turmoil, wars that elicit multinational involvement, religious persecution, political turmoil, ethnic prejudice, hate crimes, etc.  Without much thought and effort, we follow the paths of our ancestors. 

Sons follow in their dads’ footsteps — starting their own families and working long hours, to financially provide for the family; daughters follow in their moms’ footsteps — managing the home, while maintaining another job or two outside the home; the children are sent off to school and after-school facilities and branch out on their own — while wishing that their dads were rooted in protection and masculine guidance more and that their moms’ limbs were soothing and nurturing more…

And the members of this circle are all wishing that they were being seen and appreciated for who they are, and not just for what they do.  They want to share themselves with someone, but no one stops long enough to listen.  They want to feel loved, but no one has a clue as to what love is.

Yes, over the centuries, civilization has idealized the "family" into an image that none of us can live up to.  And over the years, these unfulfilled expectations have brought with them feelings of inadequacy, failure, guilt, blame, regrets, insecurities, abandonment, betrayal, etc. ... all because imperfect human beings failed at being the "perfect family."
 

Yes, without much thought and effort, we can follow the paths of our ancestors — and continue to blame  each other...

           … or we can stop the cycle.

.

When I Calm Down…?

I’m so glad you’re out there for me, because I had one of those days… again. 

Well… the day was actually really good.  It was the $#%@ visit to the “car shop.”  I don’t know what it is about car shops and me, but we just don’t mix…

Anyway, I took the day off from work, because I… needed… a day off from work…

I was driving around town, getting things done and crossing them off my things-to-do list.  

On the road to someplace else, I saw the sign for an oil change, tire rotation, and lube for $14.99.  Of course, there was another place advertizing $15.99 oil change right next door…

Cool!  The car needed an oil change, and I could do $14.99.  Although this wasn’t on my list for today, I thought I could fit it in, so I turned the car around and drove back to the $14.99 place.

Before I could get out of the car and close the car door, three mechanics surrounded me, took my keys out of my hands, and asked what they could do for me. 

I told them all I wanted was a $14.99 oil change and asked how long it would take.  They said that I was their only customer, so it’ll be fast.

Cool! 

One guy, Todd, brought me into the office to start the paperwork.  I told him I just wanted the $14.99 oil change.

Todd:    We can upgrade for $20.00…


Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the $14.99 oil change.


Todd:    But the premium oil change will…


Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the advertized $14.99 oil change.


Todd:    Ok.

The guy that had taken my car keys — and who had my car up in the air by now — came in and said he knew I’m here for the $14.99 oil change but for $20.00 more….

Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the $14.99 oil change.


Guy:    But the premium oil change will…


Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the $14.99 oil change.


Guy:    But the premium oil change will…


Me:    Just the $14.99… $14.99… $14.99… $14.99 oil change, please.

So, he went back out and 15 minutes later, Todd took me out to my car. 

The guys must have really been bored, because pieces of my car were all over the place…

Todd quoted me $354.78 to put the car back together with all the things they were recommending… including replacing a new air filter that had been changed recently.

I was getting irritated at this point, because I came in for a $14.99 oil change—and, now, my car parts were surrounding me, while five guys were trying to tell me the bill was no longer $14.99, but $354.78 

Me:    I’m really irritated right now, because I came in for a $14.99 oil change and somehow you’re writing me bill for $354.78.  I’m really irritated. 

Then the guys started to gang up on me, explaining that my car has 100,000 miles and it’ll need fluid changes and….blah…blah… blah…  [at least, that’s what I started to hear].  When I mentioned that I had life-time service with another mechanic shop regarding the stuff they were quoting, they got aggressive and started pointing out things the “other place” did wrong.

Me:    I’m really irritated with you guys right now.  I’m not going to stand here and play the “finger-pointing” game with you, either.  I just want the $14.99 oil change and my car put back together the way it was when I first came in — with no added or missing parts, please.

Todd:    But we have your car all apart.  You’re already here.  It’ll really be easy to do all of this stuff.

Me:    You don’t understand.  I’m really irritated; and the more you push the more irritated I’ll become.  As I get more and more irritated with you, my barriers will go up.  The more you talk and push… the more I will keep saying, “No” because I’m closing myself off from you.  It doesn’t matter whether you’re right and I’m wrong.  I will say “No” to whatever you say from this point.

Todd:    But we can…

Me:    I understand you need to make money for your shop, but this isn’t how to do it.  What I’m telling you is that I’m very irritated — and no matter what you say from this point on, I’ll say, “No” to it, so you should stop now.  You’ll going to have to learn to stop once the customer is irritated, because pushing will get you nowhere. 

He stopped at that point; the other guys pulled back as well.  My car was put back together, my bill was readjusted to $14.99 plus tax, and my keys were returned to me.

And Todd’s departing words to me were:  I’m leaving you our card, so when you calm down, you can call us and make an appointed for us to finish up the other work for you.

All I could think about was how clear it was to me that I wasn't being heard, seen, or understood...

So, yeah…when I calm down…I’ll be looking for (yet) another mechanic shop…

.

The Business of Relating

A couple of weeks ago, I had an interesting encounter with a cousin of mine.  He wanted my opinion before contacting his lawyer.

He had retained this lawyer to help him with a personal matter, and now that the situation has been resolved — and satisfactorily, he admits — he wanted to close his account with the lawyer.  To facilitate that, he emailed the lawyer a request for an accounting of his charges and a return of the portion of the retainer that still remained in his account.

The lawyer did as he was asked and sent an accounting of the charges — showing a remaining balance of $500 — but, as he told my cousin before, the retainer was nonrefundable.

This was what had gotten my accountant cousin so upset.  He felt that he should be able to get the unused portion back.  The lawyer had taken advantage of him by taking something that did not belong to him — something that he had not earned.   

To make his point, he drafted an email and wanted me to review it before sending it.

 

In the email, he shared his frustration.  He went as far as to write that he felt betrayed by this professional who was supposed to be a trusted advocate and advisor.  He proceeded to tell the lawyer everything that was wrong with the accounting practices within his firm… and if he wanted other clients to feel just as betrayed as he did, then continue on his current path.

As I finished reading, my cousin added that he's so upset that he's prepared to go on the Internet, share his complaint through various social networks, and  lead a negative campaign to stop this small law practice from stealing money from other unsuspecting and trusting souls. 

Yes, he’s ready to destroy this man’s practice over $500 — because it’s the principle of the thing.

I listened… and listened… and listened.  When he was done, I asked a question.

From what he told me, the lawyer is competent, easy to talk to, and genuine.  He prevented my cousin from having to go to court and saved untold court costs and other legal fees in the process.  The only issue he seems to have is his wanting to close the account before the remaining $500 is used up. 

If that’s the issue, is there another legal matter that this firm could help him with, thereby using up the $500 instead of forfeiting the retainer?

The main question is:  If the lawyer did a good job for him, does he really want to sever that relationship? 

If he sends the email as drafted, he would, most certainly, sever the relationship and would not be able to turn to that lawyer again.  Is that what he really wants to do?

He stopped for a long moment.  In that moment, I saw him switch from an angry accountant who focused on the calculated figures to a person who valued relationships over dollars. 

Because he didn’t want to sever the relationship, he decided to take the weekend to calm down before doing anything more. 

****  

Weeks later, I asked my cousin if things worked out with the lawyer situation.

Yes, it did.   He did some research and that it was customary for lawyers to have nonrefundable retainers.  He also realized that he was really angry with himself for not keeping “on top” of the accounting issue in the first place.  It was just easier to blame the lawyer instead.

In the meantime, the lawyer had called him and told him that the account would remain opened; and the remaining balance would be available for my cousin whenever he needed legal help.

So, yes, things worked out; and it always will, when one places relationships ahead of everything.

.

A Hard Pill to Swallow

I’m still reading Dr. Burns’ book, Feeling Good Together. 

Dr. Burns prescribes a hard pill for us to swallow.  

Basically, he says we get out of relationships — and life — exactly what we put into them.  Because we create the problems that we complain about, we have to accept our role in our conflicts and troubled relationships.

OUCH!!!  That’s awfully hard to swallow!

No! That can’t be true!  We’re not the troublemakers.  We’re the innocent victims in all of this.  We can — and are eagerly prepared to — list all the reasons why it’s the other person’s fault and not ours…

And as we relentlessly defend ourselves — and righteously blame others — we prove Dr. Burns right.

Once we accept his diagnosis, it’s up to us to follow his professional advice — which is to actually stop and listen to what the other person is trying to tell us — and find the piece of truth in their criticism… no matter how painful it may be to admit to it.

His book gives examples, encourages us to do exercises, and outlines techniques to effective communication that can diffuse difficult situations. 

And as I’m reading the book, I’m struck with the feeling that it’s a lot of work to effectively communicate and diffuse volatile situations — and he expects me to be the one making ALL the effort — while my friends, family, co-workers, etc. are reaping the rewards of all my hard work.  How is that fair?  Why is it that I’m doing all the work?  Shouldn’t there be some give and take in all of this? 

Yes, but there are two things to remember in all of this. 

The first thing to always remember is:  We can’t change others, only ourselves.  If we want to change our relationships with others, we have to change ourselves.

And the second thing is:  Even though it’s frustrating at times, if you love whomever you’re fighting with, you’ll do what is necessary to diffuse the situation, break down barriers, and become closer to each other. 

Even if it means you have to swallow your ego to do it... and that's such a hard pill to swallow.

.

The Backlash

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you would have run into a number of posts stressing the need to accept responsibility for your actions while, at the same time, allowing others to accept the consequences of their own actions. 

Well, a friend of mine is beginning to do that with her 20-something-year-old daughter.  She’s stepping away and taking back her life — allowing her daughter to take ownership of her own life.

This move, on my friend’s part, is very hard for her… and her daughter.

Cassandra, my friend, wants to be a supportive and loving mother.  In fulfilling this need of hers, she has given her daughter all that she has — bailing the daughter out of one mess after another. 

Looking back over her life, she realizes that, while she has given up everything for her daughter, her sacrifices have gone unnoticed.  Now, she finds herself financially strapped and emotionally drained. 

The daughter is in no better shape.  Over the years, the daughter has developed an attitude of “entitlement” that was once only reserved for royalty.  The daughter has been taught to expect her mother to fulfill her every need, without question or appreciation.  The daughter has never had to accept responsibility for her own actions, nor deal with the consequences that result from those actions.  Her mother always stepped in to shield her from herself.  

Both individuals in this story are searching for their own identities.  Both are struggling to stand on their own… crying out to be seen and heard — to be loved for who they are…

Cassandra wants things to change for her daughter and for herself.  For this to happen, she has started to step away from situations — allowing the daughter to step up and take ownership of her own life.

Once Cassandra starts to step away, the backlash begins.  It's a strong wave of reality crashing down on the daughter.  

This is painful for both of them.

The daughter is hit so hard that it throws her off-balance.  In response, she does the only thing she knows to get her footing back.  She blames her mother for her situation.  She gives the mother the icy stares and the cold, silent treatment — shutting the mother out of her life — waiting for the mother to break down and fix things…

Cassandra is struggling with her decision.  Was it the right thing to do?  Was it the right time to do it? 

Oh, if only she could turn back the hands of time and start all over again, but she can’t.  She can only go forward…

Will her daughter ever understand why her mother did this? 

Will Cassandra be strong enough to see this through? 

.

Primary Relationships

In my last post, I mentioned the term “primary relationship” and I’m afraid that I might have confused some people with that term.

All of us juggle a number of relationships in our daily lives:  family, friends, intimate partners, business partners, associates, casual acquaintances, etc.   Each relationship takes our time, energy, and attention.

Although there isn’t a single universally accepted definition, the term “primary relationship” denotes a high level of involvement you have with another.  Simply put:  Where your attention is, your heart will also be.

This high level of involvement could be an intense, emotional attachment and connection to another person… or it could be formed by financial and living arrangements… or it can be sustained by the sharing of child-rearing responsibilities.

This “high level of involvement” doesn’t necessarily have to involve other people nor does this “involvement” have to be a healthy one.  Various addictions fall into this category — where the only thing that matters to the person is the next fix.  Narcissistic personalities can have a primary relationship with themselves above all others.  [And to clarify:  These are NOT the types of healthy primary relationships I was referring to in the last post.]

For now, let’s focus on couples in primary relationships… 

This high level of involvement between you and your partner places that partner on “top of your relationship list.”  This primary relationship is the relationship that takes precedence over all others.  When that person needs something, you put everyone else “on hold” and take care of that person’s need. 

Now, this works great if both partners are primary partners for each other.  Each knows that the other will be there for the other… above all others.  Their expectations are met by the other.

The problem comes in when we believe we’re in a primary relationship with another, but that other person doesn’t give us that primary status.  We’re not on the top of the relationship list, but mixed somewhere in the middle or bottom.  Because of this, our expectations are not being met.

Let me give you some examples:

Scene 1:

Two people start to date.  After several months, both pledge their love to the other.  For the woman, she begins to build her expectations for the relationship.  She expects to be placed on the top of his relationship list — above his mother, father, sisters, male friends, sports events, computer games, etc. 

For the man, he sees himself picking up a new and developing relationship that he fits into his already full schedule.  This new relationship is not treated as a primary relationship, but as one of many that he deals with throughout his day. 

As the relationship evolves, the woman presses for more of his attention, and the more she presses the more he pulls away.  Her persistent requests for his time and attention are viewed as nagging, clinging, and needy.  Stress and frustrations develop between the two because expectations aren’t being met. 

Scene 2:

Another man and woman are primary partners for each other.  A newborn enters the picture.  During the baby’s early months/years, the mother’s attention shifts from her partner to their baby.  After taking care of the baby all day and night, the mother has no energy to give to her partner.  Her partner begins to feel unseen and rejected.  His needs are not being met as they once were.

Scene 3:

The husband works long hours, takes calls in the middle of the night, and is off on long business trips.  His primary relationship has shifted to his company and his successful career — and away from his wife.  As for the wife, she still needs to be in a primary relationship… if not with her husband, then with someone else.

The expectations built into a primary relationship play a key role in each of these scenarios.  As each partner fulfills the other’s needs, things run smoothly — but once expectations become unfulfilled, frustration begins to seep into the cracks of the relationship.  If left unattended, other feelings may move in as well… feelings like hurt, blame, anger, rejection, jealousy, distrust, betrayal, etc. 

Anyway…that’s what I meant by primary relationships.  Simply put:  Where your attention is, your heart will also be.

.

Cut the Strings Tied to Caring*

Everyone tells me that I'm a great listener and confidant; and because of that, they share their problems with me.

They come to me utterly frustrated, exhausted, and powerless.  I can hear the love, the caring, and the pain in their voices as they pour out their concerns to me.  I can feel their suffering as they beg me to solve their problems for them. 

I’m honored that so many are comfortable in sharing their concerns with me; I’m flattered that they think that I have the power to solve their problems; and I’m humbled by my inability to give them what they want.

Luckily, the issues they are agonizing over are not life-threatening.  In fact, the problems they’re bringing me are not even their problems.  The problems they bring me are the consequences of actions and choices of another, which is why my friends are feeling so lost and powerless…

The best thing I can do is to help them realize that what’s happening around them is not happening to them, but is actually happening to someone else — and is the natural result of the choices made by that other person. 

That’s the biggest hurdle for us to get over, especially when we care so much for another. 

It’s hard to watch loved ones in trouble and not be able to stop the spiraling cycle they’ve put themselves in.  It feels as if we’re tangled up — right alongside them — struggling to free ourselves from the shackles that are weighing them down.

I think this is why we are so quick to accept blame or fault for another’s predicament.  By accepting blame, we mentally try to take ownership of the situation.  We strap ourselves to the situation, even though we have no business doing so. 

Once we insert ourselves into the middle of things, we start to feel that the problem is all about us.  It becomes our responsibility to right the wrong… to fix the problem… to control the situation. 

This is from where the angst comes. 

We try, disparately, to take ownership of the problem, but it’s not our problem to take.  We want to control the situation, but it’s not our situation to control.  It belongs to another person, and there’s nothing we can do to change that.

We’re constantly overestimating our power to change another person.  We keep trying to change others, and we keep failing. When we fail, we blame ourselves for failing, which propels us to try even harder…

This frustrating and unproductive cycle can only end when we stop trying to change others and concentrate on changing ourselves. 

To do this, we must cut the strings we’ve so masterfully woven around the caring we’ve provided to others. 

We have to work on letting go and letting our loved ones live their own lives — mistakes and all. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not suggesting that we stop caring for each other.  I’m not suggesting that we cut contact from our loved ones.

 No.  I’m suggesting that we shift the way we care for each other.  We have to stop stepping in and taking over; and, instead, we need to step back and allow them to take on the consequences of their own actions.

We can’t protect our loved ones from life, but we can prepare them for it.  We can give them the tools and confidence to take on the challenges that are ahead of them. 

Once we’ve taught them how to fly, we must muster up enough courage to cut the strings and let them fly on their own… and in whatever direction they choose to go.

*Adapted excerpt from our book....

.

The Blame Game

I need to let the sequel to the children’s book sit for a while before I go through it again to tweak sections and proof the book.  I’m fighting with the storyline.  It’s not where I want it to be, because I liked the first version so much better than this one — but I have to keep in mind our audience… I’m here to please them, not me…

That’s why it’s always good to have an objective second, third, or fourth person with “fresh eyes” to look at your material.  That person can see things that you can no longer see.  If you don’t have a second person to look at your work, then you should put it aside for a while to give your memory’s eye time to forget what it thinks it sees.  Then you can go back and see with “fresh eyes” — as if you’re that second person.

Anyway, that’s what I’m trying to do now… I’m trying to wait; and, as I told you before, patience is not my strong suit. 

In the meantime, I’m trying to think of a way to summarize this second book.  Basically, it deals with how hard it is for some to accept the consequences of their actions… while others accept the blame for things that are beyond their power to control.

It’s interesting to see this play out in reality.  If these two types happen to find each other, they may make a compatible team — one always blaming the other and the other willing to accept the blame — but for the most part, we simply pass that hot potato of blame down to some unsuspecting person further down the blame line...

Blaming others is contagious and is passed along like a virus.  Merely being exposed to someone blaming you of something causes you to want to turn around and blame someone else.  Blame is like that hot potato you pass down to the next player who gets burned.   The last person in line finds himself being blamed for some completely unrelated failure — to which he has no defense. 

If everyone in this game gets burned, why do so many people play along?

The motivations behind this blame game are natural. As we’ve said before, there is a human need to be accepted and liked.  Most people want to look good in the eyes of their friends, family, coworkers, etc., so they don’t want to bear the shame of being responsible for a problem — to be viewed as less than perfect.  In the workplace, being responsible for an error may carry with it penalties, such as reprimands, pay deductions, demotions, terminations, etc.  As a result, people will pass the blame on rather than dealing with it, which can be especially frustrating for people who are genuinely not involved with the issue.

The temptation is huge to keep passing the buck and point the finger elsewhere when you make a mistake — after all, everyone else does it.  Just because everyone else does it, doesn't make it the right thing to do.  Just because it’s easier to pass the blame on to someone else, doesn’t make it the right thing to do. 


Anyway... I'm thinking of starting the book with this little thought:

The Blame Game

I was told that

Every good story

Needs a bad guy

Someone to blame

Someone to dislike

Someone to fight against

But on whom do I place blame

When it’s me

Who is wrong?

Who do I dislike

When it’s me

Who has done the harm?

Who do I fight against

If it’s me

Who’s being mean?

On whom do I place blame

If it’s me

Who’s the bad guy?

Yes, who do I find to blame?

.