Relating Over the Internet

I found myself in an awkward situation the other day.  I met a young man over the Internet, and we were conversing through email for 2 days. 

On the first day, he asked if I wanted a picture of his penis.  

Ummm... No, thank you. 

So, on the second day, he attached four pictures of his penis and asked what I thought.

Among other things, I thought that he placed himself in a very vulnerable position… in more ways than one… 

Ignoring the fact that he wasn’t respecting my wishes and wasn’t taking my feelings into consideration, he just sent a stranger compromising pictures of himself that could easily be used against him.  He has no idea what I would do with them.  Such private photos can have negative future effects for him in the hands of an unscrupulous or vindictive person. 

I also thought this young man was being rude, immature, insensitive, and thoughtless.  He opened both of us up to an embarrassing and hurtful situation.  No matter how I respond to this, feelings will be hurt. 

Since I had no idea how to respond to these unsolicited photos, I simply ignored them.  I hoped that this snapshot in time would soon evaporate into a distant memory and quietly dissolve into some invisible Internet cloud to float far, far away from me.

But that Internet cloud came back as a thunderstorm.

This “gentleman” told me how hurt he was.  He trusted me enough to send very private pictures of himself, and I ignored such a gift. 

I told him that I understood his feelings, and I apologized for not responding in the manner that he wanted.  Hurting his feelings was not my intent.  I felt like I was put in a lose/lose situation.  I just knew that whatever I would’ve said would’ve been wrong.  I just didn't know what he wanted from me.

His response to that was that I have low self-esteem and that I need therapy — professional help.  I'm obviously compensating for something missing in my life and am hiding that fact from myself — so that I don't have to deal with it.  He went on to tell me that he’s been with a couple of women and they never complained…

And that’s pretty much the direction the rest of his response took…

I realize this person is only 26 and has a lot to learn, but I am concerned for him, because I fear that he will be hurt more and more if he follows his current path.  There are consequences to one’s actions.  No matter how much you want to fault others — sooner or later — the consequences of your actions will catch up to you. 

Trust is built over a longer period of time than 2 days.  Using the word “trust” in describing a person you’ve only known from 3 or 4 emails will bring betrayal and hurt with it — and indiscriminately sending compromising pictures to strangers will damage your reputation and credibility.

This person may act differently with those he meets face to face, but I would think that the same consideration, precautions, and respect should be given to anyone you meet — no matter where you meet them. 

Am I wrong?

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The Business of Relating

A couple of weeks ago, I had an interesting encounter with a cousin of mine.  He wanted my opinion before contacting his lawyer.

He had retained this lawyer to help him with a personal matter, and now that the situation has been resolved — and satisfactorily, he admits — he wanted to close his account with the lawyer.  To facilitate that, he emailed the lawyer a request for an accounting of his charges and a return of the portion of the retainer that still remained in his account.

The lawyer did as he was asked and sent an accounting of the charges — showing a remaining balance of $500 — but, as he told my cousin before, the retainer was nonrefundable.

This was what had gotten my accountant cousin so upset.  He felt that he should be able to get the unused portion back.  The lawyer had taken advantage of him by taking something that did not belong to him — something that he had not earned.   

To make his point, he drafted an email and wanted me to review it before sending it.

 

In the email, he shared his frustration.  He went as far as to write that he felt betrayed by this professional who was supposed to be a trusted advocate and advisor.  He proceeded to tell the lawyer everything that was wrong with the accounting practices within his firm… and if he wanted other clients to feel just as betrayed as he did, then continue on his current path.

As I finished reading, my cousin added that he's so upset that he's prepared to go on the Internet, share his complaint through various social networks, and  lead a negative campaign to stop this small law practice from stealing money from other unsuspecting and trusting souls. 

Yes, he’s ready to destroy this man’s practice over $500 — because it’s the principle of the thing.

I listened… and listened… and listened.  When he was done, I asked a question.

From what he told me, the lawyer is competent, easy to talk to, and genuine.  He prevented my cousin from having to go to court and saved untold court costs and other legal fees in the process.  The only issue he seems to have is his wanting to close the account before the remaining $500 is used up. 

If that’s the issue, is there another legal matter that this firm could help him with, thereby using up the $500 instead of forfeiting the retainer?

The main question is:  If the lawyer did a good job for him, does he really want to sever that relationship? 

If he sends the email as drafted, he would, most certainly, sever the relationship and would not be able to turn to that lawyer again.  Is that what he really wants to do?

He stopped for a long moment.  In that moment, I saw him switch from an angry accountant who focused on the calculated figures to a person who valued relationships over dollars. 

Because he didn’t want to sever the relationship, he decided to take the weekend to calm down before doing anything more. 

****  

Weeks later, I asked my cousin if things worked out with the lawyer situation.

Yes, it did.   He did some research and that it was customary for lawyers to have nonrefundable retainers.  He also realized that he was really angry with himself for not keeping “on top” of the accounting issue in the first place.  It was just easier to blame the lawyer instead.

In the meantime, the lawyer had called him and told him that the account would remain opened; and the remaining balance would be available for my cousin whenever he needed legal help.

So, yes, things worked out; and it always will, when one places relationships ahead of everything.

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The Self-Righteous Thief

I had one of my funny little dreams…

The dream begins with two detectives searching through my house.  I’m explaining to them that my cash, credit cards, identification, and jewelry have been stolen from me. 

They ask me a series of questions and I answer them the best I can…

• No, I wasn’t home at the time.  Whoever broke in must have known there was plenty of time.

• No.  I have no idea why the thief would spread religious prayer cards and pamphlets all around my place.

• No.  That’s not my bible.  Mine is on the bookshelf.  The thief must have left that one, along with all the other religious paraphernalia.

• No.  I have no idea why the thief would paint religious symbols all over the outdoor screens, windows, and glass door.

Shaking their heads in disbelief, the detectives bag all the prayer cards and bible as evidence — highly doubting that they will find fingerprints on the items.

They continue to take photos of the thief’s religious artwork, especially of the cross painted right next to the screen that was slashed open and the door that was busted in. 

One of the detectives points to the gaping hole in the screen and informs me that they believe that must be how the thief got in.  [Yes, Mr. Detective, I would have to agree…]

And that’s when I woke up.

**** 

It is easy to figure out from where the “inspiration” for this dream comes. 

 

It comes from a conversation I just had with my 86-year-old mother.  I called to see how she was doing and found her very upset.

She had just been visited by two of her sister-in-laws. 

I am sure that these two women meant well and were full of good intentions, but in their religious zealousness, they destroyed my mother’s self-worth, while heightening her guilt and anxieties.

Pray tell, how did they steal these precious things from her?

Ah… They did it by bringing over a number of prayer cards and pamphlets for my mother to read, digest, and recite now that she’s homebound.  

"After all," they inform my mother, "there is no greater service to mankind than to pray for the salvation of the world; and the elderly and homebound are the ones who have the time to do it."

When she’s assaulted in this manner, Mom tries to push back as much as she can but the guilt that fuels such pious rhetoric is difficult to fend off. 

How does one go about explaining that you don’t want to spend your days chanting prayers that hold no meaning to you?  How do you go about explaining that you’re not motivated by words that create only guilt and unworthiness within you? 

How do you explain these things to those who only hear their own self-righteous voice?

I consoled Mom the best I could by telling her that her sister-in-laws mean well, but they don’t realize that their way is not right for her.  If chanting prayers all day gives them purpose and a reason to get up each morning, then that is great for them — but that doesn’t give them the right to inflict their beliefs on her.  Just because they do those things do not make them “holier than thou.”

Mom:  Yes it does!


Me: No, it doesn’t.  They are only “holier than thou” because they are telling you that they are holier than you — and for no other reason than that. 


Mom:  Well, Beatrice goes to Daily Mass.


Me:  And Beatrice is a very social person.  With her husband passing away and her eight children being grown and out of the house, she finds going to Daily Mass a nice way of getting out, meeting her friends, and feeling useful.


Mom:    Well, I guess so… but she sits under a tree with a rosary and prays a special pray for each of the 50 states… and…


Me:  Mom, if those things give her purpose and meaning to her life, that great!  I’m happy for her, but that doesn’t give her the right to force her beliefs and routines on you or anyone else.  That doesn’t give her the right to judge you — or anyone else.

I thought I was making some headway, until Mom broke down in tears.  After the tears started flowing, there was no stopping them.

So, that’s how my aunts were able to take my mother’s self-worth, while heightening her guilt and anxieties — with religious prayer cards, pamphlets, and painting pictures of the religious devotion and piety… 

         … much like the self-righteous thief in my dream.

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Sleepless Nights

I’m in one of my introspective moods, tonight — and I’m very tired. 

I’ve been having a series of dreams these last couple of days, which have left me troubled.  The dreams deal with feelings of loss and brokenness.

One was about a chef preparing a fabulous meal for us.  It was delicious to those she served it to, but it wasn’t to her liking.  Because of that, she became upset and angry.  During her tantrum, she threw away all her pots and pans and gave up cooking.  She gave up her life-long pursuit, because that one meal wasn’t perfect… in her eyes. 

Another one dealt with me breaking my eye glasses — at the bridge of the nose.  I tried fixing the bridge with superglue, but I just managed to super-glue my fingers together instead, and the glue on the bridge of the nose irritated my eyes to tears…

The dream that started all this dealt with a friend with whom I’ve lost touch.  She’s as creative, intelligent, and confident as she is volatile — and her life has been very difficult because of these traits.  She cannot cultivate close friendships because of her strong and erratic mood swings. When she's in those moods, she simply pushes everyone away.

It’s been about six years, now, since she’s cut off contact with me.  I’ve tried calling her and have sent letters, emails, birthday wishes, and Facebook invitations to reconnect, but she hasn’t wanted to reconnect—and I have to respect her wishes.

This is one of the most difficult aspects of caring for others — respecting their freedom and independence, while dealing with the emotional connection that draws you into their pain.

I have to admit, my life has been more stable without her in it.  I’m not looking to opening myself up to the hurt that comes along with her friendship, and I wish I could leave well enough alone. 

And I would, if it wasn’t for these dreams…

The dream that started it all was about her.  In the dream, she was at some social event.  Something disturbed her, and she became very upset and angry.  She started throwing things and yelling.  No one could reach her to calm her down, so she continued to spiral out of control.  She threw things and disrupted the whole evening for everyone.

I know it sounds weird to most people, but the last time I ignored something like this, I learned later that the person I was thinking about had committed suicide.  No one could reach her, either…

I don’t want that to happen again.  I don’t want to learn later that I should have reached out when I had the chance. 

So, the dilemma — how do I not intrude, if all is fine with her and she doesn’t want to reconnect with me — but still be able to sleep at night, without the fear that I didn’t reach out when I should have?

How do I mend the bridge without getting stuck — like in the dream about my broken glasses and the superglue? 

After a couple of sleepless nights, I’ve decided to send a simple “thinking of you” note to her mother — figuring that reaching out to the family, as a whole, would be a safer way of connecting… while respecting my friend’s wishes.

At this point, I think that is all I can do and hope that it’s enough.

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Responsiveness in Healthy Relationships

Katherine came across this video that shows the role of responsiveness in healthily relationships. While this footage is of a mother and her baby, it's relevant to all relationships.  

Basically, the video reminds us, that no matter how old we are, we become hurt when those closest to us are non-responsive to our attempts in engaging them in a relationship.

What I find interesting is how quickly the baby responds back after being ignored by the mother.  There's no "holding a grudge" or "getting even" for the hurt inflicted.  The baby's just happy to have her mom interacting with her again.   

I think this is something we can learn from babies. 

Check out the link:   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0&feature=player_embedded

 

 

It’s Not Just What You Say, But How You Say It

I just experienced an interesting water aerobics class… but I need to tell you about it, rather than write about it, so…

If you would, please click on the following link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FP6LMOOpvAY