Time to Move On

I took off work early to go to the dentist.

What’s eventful about this dentist visit is that it would be my last visit with Dr. Bodo.  He’s an 80-year-old man with a gentle touch, kind soul, and patient temperament — and he’ll be retiring from the profession in a couple of months. 

I know it’s time for him to move on — but I don’t like it! 

He’s been in practice for 56 years — longer than I’ve been alive.  My mother first took me to him when I was too young to climb into his chair.  As the years have gone by, I’m the one, now, taking my mother, and she’s having difficulty climbing into his chair…

It takes us more than an hour to drive to his office, and in all these years, we’ve never considered finding another dentist closer to home.  Now, we’re forced to…

Yes, this is hard for us.  It’s hard for him, too.

He tells me that he is sad to have to close up his practice.  He’s not just closing a business; he’s saying goodbye to a part of himself.  Many of his patients have been with him for so long that they have become like family to him.   

  

But he has family of his own.  He has kids and grandkids all over the country; so I was imagining his retirement would give his wife and him the freedom to visit family and friends… but this isn’t the case.

Instead, he’s retiring to take care of his ailing wife and disabled son.

There’s no time for traveling.  There’s no time to enjoy the fruits of his labor.  There’s no time to relax.

As I grab for the door for this last time, I’m struck with the realization that I will never, again, hear his warning to drive safely home, and see his warm smile, waving me on my way…

Yes, it’s very hard for me to say goodbye to this 80-year-old man with the gentle touch, kind soul, and patient temperament… knowing that I’m not going to be coming back... to him.

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Primary Relationships

In my last post, I mentioned the term “primary relationship” and I’m afraid that I might have confused some people with that term.

All of us juggle a number of relationships in our daily lives:  family, friends, intimate partners, business partners, associates, casual acquaintances, etc.   Each relationship takes our time, energy, and attention.

Although there isn’t a single universally accepted definition, the term “primary relationship” denotes a high level of involvement you have with another.  Simply put:  Where your attention is, your heart will also be.

This high level of involvement could be an intense, emotional attachment and connection to another person… or it could be formed by financial and living arrangements… or it can be sustained by the sharing of child-rearing responsibilities.

This “high level of involvement” doesn’t necessarily have to involve other people nor does this “involvement” have to be a healthy one.  Various addictions fall into this category — where the only thing that matters to the person is the next fix.  Narcissistic personalities can have a primary relationship with themselves above all others.  [And to clarify:  These are NOT the types of healthy primary relationships I was referring to in the last post.]

For now, let’s focus on couples in primary relationships… 

This high level of involvement between you and your partner places that partner on “top of your relationship list.”  This primary relationship is the relationship that takes precedence over all others.  When that person needs something, you put everyone else “on hold” and take care of that person’s need. 

Now, this works great if both partners are primary partners for each other.  Each knows that the other will be there for the other… above all others.  Their expectations are met by the other.

The problem comes in when we believe we’re in a primary relationship with another, but that other person doesn’t give us that primary status.  We’re not on the top of the relationship list, but mixed somewhere in the middle or bottom.  Because of this, our expectations are not being met.

Let me give you some examples:

Scene 1:

Two people start to date.  After several months, both pledge their love to the other.  For the woman, she begins to build her expectations for the relationship.  She expects to be placed on the top of his relationship list — above his mother, father, sisters, male friends, sports events, computer games, etc. 

For the man, he sees himself picking up a new and developing relationship that he fits into his already full schedule.  This new relationship is not treated as a primary relationship, but as one of many that he deals with throughout his day. 

As the relationship evolves, the woman presses for more of his attention, and the more she presses the more he pulls away.  Her persistent requests for his time and attention are viewed as nagging, clinging, and needy.  Stress and frustrations develop between the two because expectations aren’t being met. 

Scene 2:

Another man and woman are primary partners for each other.  A newborn enters the picture.  During the baby’s early months/years, the mother’s attention shifts from her partner to their baby.  After taking care of the baby all day and night, the mother has no energy to give to her partner.  Her partner begins to feel unseen and rejected.  His needs are not being met as they once were.

Scene 3:

The husband works long hours, takes calls in the middle of the night, and is off on long business trips.  His primary relationship has shifted to his company and his successful career — and away from his wife.  As for the wife, she still needs to be in a primary relationship… if not with her husband, then with someone else.

The expectations built into a primary relationship play a key role in each of these scenarios.  As each partner fulfills the other’s needs, things run smoothly — but once expectations become unfulfilled, frustration begins to seep into the cracks of the relationship.  If left unattended, other feelings may move in as well… feelings like hurt, blame, anger, rejection, jealousy, distrust, betrayal, etc. 

Anyway…that’s what I meant by primary relationships.  Simply put:  Where your attention is, your heart will also be.

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There’s No Place Like Home

I’m not sure what’s going on but I find myself surrounded by a number of friends and acquaintances who are transitioning from one phase of their lives to another.  These shifts involve moving physically from one place to another. 

Several young people I know are trying to escape from their parents’ homes.  One was eager to move in with her boyfriend… only to find that the boyfriend was living in his grandmother’s basement.  Another moved in with three roommates… only to find that the roommates were not able to pay their portion of the rent, and they were evicted. 

One friend is returning to the Bay Area, to be with her daughter and grandchildren.  For the past couple of years, she’s been traveling back and forth between where she lives and where her daughter and grandchildren live.  The drive is becoming too much for her, so she’s decided to move back here and, hopefully, find a job near her daughter.

Another acquaintance has relocated to another state, due to her husband’s job.  They can’t afford to buy a “real home,” until they are able to unload their other house.  Because of this, they can’t move on with their family plans. They are living in their personal Purgatory — living in a small apartment in a dangerous neighborhood — waiting to resume their lives again.  As it is now, they feel that they have no home, even though they are surrounded by their personal possessions.

Another friend of mine has been separated from her husband for a number of years.  They continue to support a household and raise their boys together.  Although her possessions are in the house with the boys and their father, she doesn’t consider that place to be her home.  Her heart has found a home with a different partner, and it’s his place that she calls home, even though she doesn’t own anything there.

I have another friend who is constantly redecorating her house… never happy with how it looks or feels. There’s always some massive project going on, and the house is in constant turmoil and upheaval.

These examples reinforce my belief that the building in which you reside does not define your “home.” Home is more than your residence.  Home is where your heart lives… where you're loved… where you go for peace and security.  It’s not a physical place but an emotional and mental place of refuge and strength.

Some find their home — their stabilizing force — to be within a healthy primary relationship with another.  Others find their life source within their inner “self” — anchored by their core principles and supported by spiritual beliefs. 

Whoever or whatever supplies you with that positive source of well-being and security, keep it close to you… respect it… and protect it, because…

There’s no place like home.

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