Why Does Every Encounter Have to End As a Power Struggle?

Warning!!  Venting Zone Ahead!

Thank goodness I have Friday off.  It’s the beginning of the week, and I’m already fed up with the office for the week! 

My main frustration regarding the “professional" (?) work environment — in which I spend 50 hours a week — is the fact that those working there don’t respect each other.  They don’t have the attitude of working together… of collaboration… of supporting cooperation… of sustaining healthy relationships with one another.

Why does every encounter have to turn into a power struggle around here?  

Why can’t a person have a pleasant conversation with someone in the kitchen, without being reprimanded for it? 

Why are employees so focused on covering their butts, instead of focused on working together to come up with solutions?

Yeah… I’m frustrated…

All of this goes against my core value system.  I don’t like being a part of a company that has avoiding responsibility, bullying, and blaming others running freely through its vein-like corridors.  

People go around assuming the worst of others, jumping to negative conclusions, and accusing others instead of accepting the consequences of their own actions.  

This behavior is practiced and encouraged by the Head of the division; therefore, it’s understandable why this type of behavior permeates throughout the workplace. 

When I complain, they simply shrug.  If you don’t like the office politics, you’re welcome to leave.  You’re expendable… replaceable… disposable…

The saddest part is that if/when I do leave, I’ll find that the next place will be the same or even worse…

Yeah… Friday’s not coming soon enough for me…

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It’s Not Just Business

     

Do you remember when I reached out to a handful of local therapists last year — asking if they would have the time to give me some feedback on our “teen” book? 

Recently, I touched base with one of them and gave her an update on everything that was going on with us.  She was very excited about our progress and wanted to set up a meeting with us and her boss — to brainstorm on how their practice could help promote our books and give us feedback and test our stuff. 

I passed all of this news to Katherine.  It turned out that Katherine knew of this therapist through a mutual friend and was excited over the idea of collaborating with the group.

So, we set a time to meet with the therapist and her boss — thinking a brainstorming session of 4 would be beneficial.

Boy!  Were we surprised when we were ushered into their conference room and came face-to-face with about 10-12 people, sitting around a table, eating their lunch. 

Once they made room for us around the table and introduced themselves to us, they started interviewing us — with questions dealing from number of years we’ve been doing this, how much our type of work was worth, what our fee structure was for sessions and workshops, what education and certifications we had, what documentation and billing systems we had for workshops and presentations… and the questions went on and on…

Imagine how we felt when we’re expecting a 4-person interactive brainstorming session, and instead, we walk into a 12-person tag-team group interview!!

By the end of the interview, the group proposed that they promote a relationship workshop based on the book, for a maximum of 20 people (to be held in their conference room) — charging a fixed price per person and splitting the revenue.  They also wanted bios and pictures to post on their website, along with a date for the workshop.  They wanted to write up a contract for the workshop, with their fee breakdown for the use of their space and their promotional efforts.  After all, they are in the business to make money — as they reminded us. 

They were also very interested in working with Katherine regarding her solo business — which is separate from our joint writing ventures. 

As you can imagine, we left their office feeling a little dizzy and juggling mixed feelings.

The meeting was enlightening, to say the least.  It did make us think about things we hadn’t thought about before.  The business-like approach this therapist group took with us solidified our own desire to focus on the personal side of connecting with others — especially in the way we approach our work and how we partner with others.

For us, it’s not just business…

It’s all about… well, what it’s always been about… relationships.

I don’t understand why, but most people separate their business persona from their personal one.  They’ll conduct themselves differently at work than at home.  You hear it all the time:  “It’s not personal; it’s business,” — as if there’s a separation between the two… as if there are different rules to follow… as if we’re not relating with each other in both settings.

No… we shouldn’t separate the two.  All of us are in the business of relating — or at least we should be.  That’s the only way to do business. 

So, I’m not quite sure how the relationship with this therapist group will develop and grow.  Since presentations and workshops are Katherine’s domain, I’ll let her take the lead on this.  If she wants to pursue this avenue for our joint venture, I’m with her.  If she doesn’t want to do it, I’m with her.  If she just wants to deal with this group for her solo business, I’m with her.  If she wants do the relationship workshop to open an access to other network opportunities, I’m with her.  Whatever she wants to do, I’m with her.  

No.  For us, it’s not just business; it’s about relationships.

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Defining Conflict Triggers and Responses

Last time, we were talking about the three stages of conflict and wondering how to confine the conflict to the first stage where the problem, my needs, and your needs are seen and acknowledged.

Tim Scudder, co-author of “Have a Nice Conflict,” explained that people tend to respond to conflict in one of three ways: 

Assertive:  Some will be assertive and attack the problem head on… working diligently for a quick resolution.


Analytical:  Some will sit back quietly to take everything in, first.  They will take their time to analyze various solutions and try to come up with a consensus that would benefit everyone.


Accommodating:  Some are interested in smoothing things over, acknowledging that they are surrendering their self-interests to others, because — in this particular case — the relationship is more important to them than the issue at hand.  They will defer their interest to preserve the relationship.

It would magnificently easy to diffuse conflict if everyone could respond exactly the same way, at the same time, in every situation — so each knew what the other was thinking and wanting. 

We all know that that’s not how it works.  Of course, depending on the issue and which conflict stage in which we find ourselves (i.e., first, second, or third stage), each person can switch among the ways and respond differently in different conflict situations… much like the professional “rock-paper-scissors” method of mediation.

For example, if you’re the assertive type and want a quick resolution to a situation, you may see my analytical approach to things as a bothersome waste of time.  Because I look at all angles and get everyone’s feedback, you feel that I’m indecisive and wishy-washy with no backbone.  I, in turn, resent the fact that you’re trying to bully and push me into a solution with which I’m not comfortable…at least, not yet. 

Those who are seen as accommodating may be willing to give in to you on several issues, but it’s a mistake to assume that you’re able to ignore their needs over and over again.  Soon, they will feel resentment… because they will begin to feel unseen, unheard, and unappreciated. 

See how quickly things can become emotionally charged?  All we were doing was approaching the same situation in three different ways, yet somehow, the conflict took us down.

To prevent conflict from "doing us in," we can take everyone’s temperature before tackling an unresolved issue.  Knowing where everyone is in their approaches and what conflict stage each lies will help us stay  — or move us back into — the first stage of conflict, where all parties can see and focus on the problem; and we can see and focus on each other's needs as well as our own needs.

By consciously placing ourselves in the other person's thought process and conflict approach, we can take hold of the conflict, and prevent conflict from taking hold of us.

We may not succeed each time; but each time we try, we’ll get better at it…

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Defining Conflict

I recently heard an interview by Tim Scudder, co-author of “Have a Nice Conflict,” and learned an interesting way to view conflict. 

Every time you see a conflict, you have an opportunity to learn what matters to people.  You learn how they defend their interests and how they define their self-worth.

He made a point to differentiate between a disagreement and a conflict.  Just because you disagree with me doesn’t mean that we are in conflict.  We can simply disagree, which gives us the opportunity to talk through our differences.

A conflict is when we start to get personal, and we add an emotional component to our interactions.  Yes, your self-interest is getting in the way of mine, but there’s more to it than that.  We’re no longer able to calmly and objectively articulate what you want and what I want.

Once emotions come into play, logic fails us.  I start to feel threatened.  I start to feel that my very self-worth is being attacked.  In turn, I strike back at you — wanting to hurt you as intimately as you hurt me.

Whatever we were discussing — and, now, fighting about — must be extremely important to both of us, because why else would we gamble so heartlessly with our self-worth?

Whatever threatens our self-worth is really important to us; therefore, every time you have a conflict with someone, you learn what matters to that person.  Once you figure out why that person is upset — what really matters to that person — then you can start figuring out how to resolve the conflict.

But to actually resolve the conflict, I must suspend my wants and needs — my self-interest — and focus on your wants and needs.  That’s darn hard when we’re already in the middle of a heated argument where emotions have already taken over and each are protecting our self-worth from further attacks from the other.

No, it’s much too late by then.  Once we get to that stage, neither of us is concerned with the problem or the other person.  We are only focusing on our own self-worth.

Tim Scudder elaborated on this phenomenon by explaining that there are three stages of conflict. 

• In the first stage, I can see and focus on the problem; I can see and focus on my needs; and I can see and focus on your needs.
• In the second stage, as the conflict starts to deepen and gets more severe, I start to focus only on the problem and my interest.  You’ve dropped out of the picture.
• By the third stage, my emotions have blinded me to everything but my interest.  I don’t even see the problem anymore.  I’m only defending and protecting my self-worth that is being threatened and attacked. 

It’s at this third stage that it’s really too late to try to come to any type of resolution with me, because neither you nor the initial problem exists for me.

The trick is to keep conflicts from escalating into the second or third stages — where we lose focus of each other and the problem.

How do we do this?

I guess we’ll tackle that the next time we’re together. 

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