Eavesdropping Through Facebook

The other day, I stumbled upon something … uncomfortable.

I was on Facebook, and was reading a comment from one of “my” friends asking if something she was responding to was a joke or not.

I’m always up for a good joke, so I followed her post back to her friend’s wall — and followed up the string of comments to get to the start of the joke.

Here is where it got uncomfortable…

 

The actual initial post was from a woman who was very upset with her husband for spending so much time on Facebook… that the only way to talk to him is to post, publicly, her dissatisfaction with their marriage… hoping that he will read it… and respond… since they no longer speak to each other in person.

A number of her caring friends chime in, giving her support… followed by her husband’s heated and degrading response… followed by the wife’s hurt and debasing response back… followed by more friends trying to calm down the verbal domestic feud that was playing out in front of their eyes.  This went on and on — getting more and more intense and insulting with each post.

Again, I have no idea who these people are.  I just clicked onto a post MY friend had left, which suggested that there was a joke being told… or played on someone.

And I started wondering if this couple was actually playing a joke on their friends, as my friend suspected.

Just a couple of days prior to this post, I had read an article on another one of my social online networks.  It outlined how to break up with someone — and no, it wasn’t full of hate and anger.

Basically, it listed a bunch of things to do and not to do — all focusing on treating the other person with respect — no matter who and why you’re breaking up.

I began to wonder if the two events were connected, somehow.

Even though I didn’t know this couple, we had our mutual friend… and — most probably — are on the same social online networks…

So, I began to wonder if they ran into the same article as I did — because they were managing to do everything the article had said NOT to do…and doing it in such a public manner.

• They listed each other’s character flaws.  [Don’t do that.]
• They were talking about breaking up in the heat of a fight.  [Don’t do that.]
• They were being insulting, condescending, and belittling.  [Don’t do that.]
• They blamed the other and deflected responsibility from themselves.  [Don’t do that.]
• They splattered the details of their breakup all over the Internet (well, on Facebook).  [Don’t do that.]
• They were forcing their (Facebook) friends to choose sides, as it were.  [Don’t do that.]

No… No…No…

The more I thought about it the more I thought my friend was right… This had to be a joke.

Too much of a coincidence.  This had to be a joke.

The next time I got together with my friend, I asked about this couple on Facebook.  She’s not sure but she really thinks it’s all a joke, because this couple is always playing jokes on each other… and it seems that this joke has expanded out to their friends.  Plus, their profile pictures haven’t changed—which was the two of them in a loving embrace.  Both his and her profile pictures were the same… and united in that way.

Yeah… sounds like a joke was being played…

A couple of days later, I got curious and tried to find the link back to that post, but it has disappeared…

Yeah… sounds like a joke had been played…

It serves me right for eavesdropping through Facebook…

.

Narcissism

I’ve been thinking about narcissism ever since a close friend of mine mentioned that another friend of hers accused her of being a narcissist.

Well… my friend does have a heighten sense of self-awareness.  She knows what she wants and needs; and she focuses her energy toward getting those wants and needs met.  In short, she takes on the responsibility of taking care of herself.

And, to be a well-adjusted and healthy person, shouldn’t we all be aware of what we need and want?  If we don’t take care of ourselves, how would we have the energy and ability to take care of others?  And who should take on the responsibility of caring for ourselves, if it’s not us?  

Aren’t we responsible for our own happiness?

So, where do we draw the line between supporting a healthy self-image and being a narcissist?

In answering that question for myself, I came across the article, “How to Spot a Narcissist.” by Samuel López De Victoria, Ph.D.  In his article, he makes a definite distinction between a “healthy narcissist” and an “extreme narcissist.”  

As with everything else, we have to strike a balance.  We all have to have some amount of narcissism in our nature.  This is what defines our personal preferences, aspirations, and needs, and propels us to success — in however we define success. 

To support a healthy sense of self, we must respect and honor our needs as much as we respect and honor the needs of others.

In the case of an extreme narcissist, the healthy sense of self has morphed into an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with one’s self — to the exclusion and detachment of others.  When this happens, the person is considered to have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

In this personality disorder, narcissism takes on the form of “being totally absorbed in self.”  The person is the center of his or her own universe — eventually cutting others off and becoming emotionally isolated. 

To an extreme narcissist, you are an object to be used.  Once he or she no longer has use for you, you are no longer desired, wanted, or sought.  The narcissist will cut you off — identifying you as an untrustworthy person who can harm the narcissist.

Although the causes of this disorder are largely unknown, some believe that they arise from children who were over-indulged and spoiled — and from children who experienced conditional love based on performance criteria (e.g., strict parents giving praise only for good grades will raise a child who learns not to trust anyone but himself for emotional soothing).

Dr. López De Victoria’s view is that Narcissistic Personality Disorder “usually starts with a significant emotional wound or series of them culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment…. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood.”

The trauma was so shattering that it essentially killed these people emotionally.  To protect themselves from any further hurt, extreme narcissists will isolate themselves from emotional and relational contact. They’ll construct protective barriers that’ll keep the external world of people away from them.  They believe that all people are harmful and untrustworthy. 

What causes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder may be unclear, but its symptoms are pretty clear.  They include:

• Reacting to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation
• Taking advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
• Having excessive feelings of self-importance and obsessive self-interest
• Exaggerating achievements and talents
• Being preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, intelligence, or ideal love
• Needing constant attention and admiration
• Disregarding the feelings of others and having little ability to feel empathy
• Pursuing mainly selfish goals

After reviewing this list, it becomes clear to me where the line is drawn between supporting a healthy self-image and being an extreme narcissist.

It’s how we view and treat others.  Do we respect and honor others as much as we do ourselves?

If the answer is, No — then we’ve crossed that line.

.

What Bugs Me?

I walked into one of the opened office rooms where a small group had gathered around Julie.  They were all staring at her sweater’s sleeve.  I asked what was so intriguing on the sleeve.

“A bug,” came the response.

So, we had five people staring at the sleeve of the sixth person, contemplating the fate of this tiny, little bug that ended up in the wrong place…

After (what seemed to be) endless minutes, the conclusion was to take the bug outside and release it into nature, to be set free to enjoy its remaining days in sunlight — something us “office-folks” long for on a daily basis…

Watching this group from afar, I couldn’t help but think how sad it was that contemplating and guiding — if not controlling — this bug’s life on a sweater’s sleeve gave us more intellectual stimulation and life’s purpose than our jobs.

 That’s what bugs me…

.

How Exactly Do I Do That?

I’m frustrated, annoyed, agitated, and irritated with choir practice tonight.  I know I need to let go of these feelings… but the question is:  How exactly do I do that?

Have you ever struggled with something new — in front of a group of people — and failed miserably with it? 

Have you shared your feelings of failure with the group and have a person in the group make fun of you for it? 

Have you ever wanted to tell that person that if he had a caring bone in his body, he would have offered a supportive hand instead of a kicking foot?

Have you ever wanted to say something to a person but was afraid you’d be viewed as a jealous jerk of a joke, who deserves the ridicule? 

Have you ever been afraid of voicing your opinion for fear that you’ll be seen as the very reflection of your nemesis?

Yeah… these are the feelings I’m struggling with at the moment…

I know I have no control over anyone else — only myself — and I’m not doing a very good job at that tonight. 

I know I need to let these feelings go and move on… but the question is:   How exactly do I do that?

.

The Business of Relating

A couple of weeks ago, I had an interesting encounter with a cousin of mine.  He wanted my opinion before contacting his lawyer.

He had retained this lawyer to help him with a personal matter, and now that the situation has been resolved — and satisfactorily, he admits — he wanted to close his account with the lawyer.  To facilitate that, he emailed the lawyer a request for an accounting of his charges and a return of the portion of the retainer that still remained in his account.

The lawyer did as he was asked and sent an accounting of the charges — showing a remaining balance of $500 — but, as he told my cousin before, the retainer was nonrefundable.

This was what had gotten my accountant cousin so upset.  He felt that he should be able to get the unused portion back.  The lawyer had taken advantage of him by taking something that did not belong to him — something that he had not earned.   

To make his point, he drafted an email and wanted me to review it before sending it.

 

In the email, he shared his frustration.  He went as far as to write that he felt betrayed by this professional who was supposed to be a trusted advocate and advisor.  He proceeded to tell the lawyer everything that was wrong with the accounting practices within his firm… and if he wanted other clients to feel just as betrayed as he did, then continue on his current path.

As I finished reading, my cousin added that he's so upset that he's prepared to go on the Internet, share his complaint through various social networks, and  lead a negative campaign to stop this small law practice from stealing money from other unsuspecting and trusting souls. 

Yes, he’s ready to destroy this man’s practice over $500 — because it’s the principle of the thing.

I listened… and listened… and listened.  When he was done, I asked a question.

From what he told me, the lawyer is competent, easy to talk to, and genuine.  He prevented my cousin from having to go to court and saved untold court costs and other legal fees in the process.  The only issue he seems to have is his wanting to close the account before the remaining $500 is used up. 

If that’s the issue, is there another legal matter that this firm could help him with, thereby using up the $500 instead of forfeiting the retainer?

The main question is:  If the lawyer did a good job for him, does he really want to sever that relationship? 

If he sends the email as drafted, he would, most certainly, sever the relationship and would not be able to turn to that lawyer again.  Is that what he really wants to do?

He stopped for a long moment.  In that moment, I saw him switch from an angry accountant who focused on the calculated figures to a person who valued relationships over dollars. 

Because he didn’t want to sever the relationship, he decided to take the weekend to calm down before doing anything more. 

****  

Weeks later, I asked my cousin if things worked out with the lawyer situation.

Yes, it did.   He did some research and that it was customary for lawyers to have nonrefundable retainers.  He also realized that he was really angry with himself for not keeping “on top” of the accounting issue in the first place.  It was just easier to blame the lawyer instead.

In the meantime, the lawyer had called him and told him that the account would remain opened; and the remaining balance would be available for my cousin whenever he needed legal help.

So, yes, things worked out; and it always will, when one places relationships ahead of everything.

.

Drape Those You Love With Respect and Honor

I was on one of the writers’ message boards the other day, and someone posted the following question:

What if your partner doesn't support you in your writing venture?

She went on to write that she runs into acknowledgements and dedication pages of books full of gratefulness to the writers’ spouses, partners, and parents for their support in the arduous journey toward publication.  But what if your loved ones don't support you?  How do you wade through the rejections, fight the self-doubts, and retain your self-worth?

A number of writers chimed in, sharing how their spouses are as unsupportive as hers, and it was deadly to their writing.  One said that her spouse would verbally support her, but his actions built a wall that separated her from her dream. One said that her husband told her she will fail in her attempts at reaching her dream.   One was told her writing endeavor was a complete waste of time.  One gentleman said he gave up his creative passion for 20 years, trying to satisfy his woman; and in doing so, his soul withered.  The stress would have killed him, if the relationship hadn’t crumbled first.  Some advised her to turn to other writers for support — those with the same passions and in the same situation…

They (sort of) addressed the issue…but indirectly.  To me, the real issue has more to do with the lack of “support”— and less to do with the “writing venture.”   

Those responding to her question never came out and said that if your loved ones are not interested in supporting you in your personal mission, your aspirations, and your dreams — whatever those may be — then there’s something lacking…there’s someone missing… in the relationship. 

When your loved ones — whether they be your family, friends, or lovers — don’t take an interest in what you’re doing… and in how you’re feeling… then, they’ve “checked out” of the relationship.  They are not respecting and honoring the relationship, as it currently exists.  They may have at one time… but no longer.

What happened over time, I don't know.  All I know is that when you no longer feel respected and honored in a relationship, you will search out those who will fulfill your needs…

Simply put:  A relationship cannot thrive if it’s not draped in respect and honor — like a warm blanket shared by two people, bringing them closer together.

.

Different Strokes for Different Folks

I picked up another book on relationships, titled "Dear Lover:  A woman’s guide to men, sex, and love’s deepest bliss."  This is a very intimate book by David Deida.  I hesitate to recommend it because you’d need to be at a certain level to appreciate his perspective.  You’d have to be open to surrendering yourself to his energy and trust he’ll take you where you yearn to be…

Katherine suggested the book, and since I trust her judgment — and since she DID use the words “must read it” — I picked up a copy from Amazon.

While I was there, I checked out the reviews on this and on his other books.  Most were positive, but there was one that was… well, here’s just a portion of it:

“It's difficult to write what I feel about this book.  I read as much of it as I could stomach and then threw it into the trash in the hope no one would ever find it.  This man, the author, is either terminally misled or has an ego the size of the universe.  He knows how women feel?  Excuse me?  When was he a woman?  I pity the poor woman who reads this and accepts it hook, line, and sinker.  He is so off base as to be laughable, if I didn't worry that some women would actually take him seriously.”

So, just from the few reviews I scanned, I’m sure that the book will hit a core with most people.  Whether, it resonates with you in a positive or negative way, I can’t guess — but I’m enjoying the book.

I actually started reading it while waiting in a car repair shop — and yes, I’m still dealing with the same car issue, but this time I’ve gone to a DIFFERENT repair shop.  Wish me good luck with this go-around…

Anyway… back to the book.  It was interesting reading such an intimate book in this masculine-filled setting. 

Picture this:  It’s 7:00 in the morning.  The sun has barely broken through the morning’s fog.  I walk into the repair shop, carrying with me a book titled Dear Lover.   The manager checks me in, I surrender my keys and car to him, and I sit down to wait… and wait… and wait.

I open Deida’s book and scanned through the Forward and Introduction.  Normally, I wouldn’t have even read those sections, but since Katherine had suggested the book, I thought I had better read those pages, too…

It wasn’t until I got to the first chapter that I started feeling the intimate power of the book — and the fact that I was sitting in the environment surrounded by men was a bit unnerving…

Because of the activity around me, I couldn’t just let Deida’s words pour over me.  Instead, I kept flowing back and forth between David’s spiritual place he was taking me to and this physical place I was tied to — this waiting room filled with strangers’ voices and sounds of banging of metal, clicking of computer keys, and jangling of car keys…

What was really interesting was, as I drifted in and out of these two worlds, I carried a bit if each to the other, and the men in the room responded.  The two guys behind the counter couldn’t have been more attentive to me, if they had tired! 

The guy in the waiting room started up a conversation with me.  It started with our concerns about our respective car problems and transformed into a discussion about appreciation for integrity and trust.  He shared his hopes and dreams for his two teenagers…

Before we knew it, his car was fixed and mine… well, wasn’t.  My car needed a part that needed to be ordered, but instead of having me wait 5 hours for the part to show up (like the other place did), one of the mechanics offered to drive me home.  They also made sure I had a way back…

As I waited for my ride, the “waiting-room gentleman” was waiting for his car to come out of the garage.  We stood in the parking lot together, wrapping up our previous conservation, preparing for our goodbyes.

It sounds weird, but I was sad to leave.  It felt like I was saying goodbye to a friend — one who I will not be seeing again… 

In that brief time together, we never exchanged names… just our “selves.”

.  

Yes, Even in a Car Repair Shop

I believe that I’ve told you (many times before) that I am not a patient person — but I’ll tell you once more, because…

I recently had to take my car in for repairs.  After 5½ hours of waiting, I was finally told the amount of ransom needed to secure both my and my car’s release.

It was a long, long day for me.

It’s not like I didn’t plan it all out, either.  I knew I had to wait for the repairs, so I tried to reduce my waiting time as much as possible.  I called the day before and explained my situation.  I made an appointment with the manager, to make sure that my car would be taken care of in a timely manner, that parts would be ordered, etc.

I was told that the repair would take 2 hours, and that’s what I expected.  I did not expect the 5½ hours that it turned out to be.

Knowing my impatient nature, I did bring a book with me, to keep me distracted — but instead of keeping me distracted from what was going on around me, it heightened my sensitivity to it.

The book I brought was The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver).  In the book, the authors focused on the importance of respect and honor in healthy relationships — e.g., in a friendship, a marriage, or work-related encounters, etc.

This day at the repair shop just reinforced that message for me.

You see, the manager, Brandon, and I had formed a comfortable connection over the two days we’ve been discussing my car problem.  We had a pleasant and respectful rapport going.  He answered my questions and… well, treated me as an equal.  He treated me with respect and honor.

Even though I am an impatient person, I was willing to sit there for however long it took for my car to be fixed, because I trusted that the manager had my best interest in mind — and, unfortunately, I had no other choice.

Two hours into my sentence, a different person — I’ll refer to him as Mr. Jerk — bellowed out into the waiting room, searching for the person who belonged to the Ford Focus.  I raised my hand and went to meet him at the counter.  Before I reached the counter, he started with his condescending tone, mumbling a list of recommendations that “must be” done.  He started pushing me to use their credit card, ignoring my responses and reasons for wanting to handle the payment differently. Another employee tried to step in and have Mr. Jerk stop badgering me, but Mr. Jerk ignored that voice of reason.

I could feel my frustration and irritation rising with every breath Mr. Jerk took.  Every phrase he uttered dripped with mockery, disguised as teasing.  Simply put:  I had no desire to deal with this person; but, at the same time, I knew I couldn’t make Mr. Jerk change his behavior toward me.

It’s sad to admit, but we — women, in particular — have been conditioned to be smile sweetly and take this type of behavior.  Don’t try to understand what’s going on under the hood of the car.  Just pay the mechanics whatever they tell you.  Don’t rock the boat.  Don’t make a scene in public.  Just sit there and take it.

Unfortunately for Mr. Jerk, I’m of a different opinion.  I believe everyone — me, included — should be treated with respect — even in a car repair shop.

So, knowing that 1) I couldn’t change Mr. Jerk’s behavior and 2) I didn’t want to have to deal with him anymore, I simply told Mr. Jerk to stop talking to me and that I wanted Brandon to talk to me, instead.

Obviously, Mr. Jerk didn’t understand the seriousness of my request.  He just stood there and continued to be himself… a jerk.

I repeated my request — in the middle of a lobby and in front of his manager, Brandon.

Mr. Jerk turned to Brandon and repeated my request to him, adding that “She doesn’t like me!”

I did not contradict that statement.  I did not backtrack or try to soften the impact of those words.  I just let that statement continue to float out there… until Brandon took Mr. Jerk’s place at the register.

Brandon explained my car's issues, and we agreed to just concentrate on the “safety issues” and not on any of the other stuff on the list.  He let me use my own method of payment without giving me any hassles about it.  Unfortunately, he told me I’ll be waiting for another couple of hours; but that was OK, since I was being treated with respect.

As I went back to my seat, I noticed that Brandon tried to give Mr. Jerk some etiquette lessons, so that the customers that came after me would be treated better.

What was even better was that during the remaining 3½ hours, Mr. Jerk changed his tone and behavior.  He showed more respect to the other women who were waiting for their cars. 

Yeah, I know he’s probably calling me all sorts of names under his breath, but — at least outwardly — he was treating his customers with more respect than before.

And yes, showing respect and honor is important… even in a car repair shop.

.

How Do You Reach Publishers?

How do you persuade another person to listen to you
When that person isn’t interested in what you have to say?

How do you give yourself to another person
When that person isn’t aware of what you have to give?

How do you show another person your passion
When that person doesn’t see you standing there?

How do you open another person’s mind
When that person’s mind is locked from the inside?

How do you touch another person’s heart
When that heart is full of material things?

How do you convince another person of your value
When that person values money over relationships?

How do you reach people like these
When you can’t even get their attention?

How?




.