Eavesdropping Through Facebook

The other day, I stumbled upon something … uncomfortable.

I was on Facebook, and was reading a comment from one of “my” friends asking if something she was responding to was a joke or not.

I’m always up for a good joke, so I followed her post back to her friend’s wall — and followed up the string of comments to get to the start of the joke.

Here is where it got uncomfortable…

 

The actual initial post was from a woman who was very upset with her husband for spending so much time on Facebook… that the only way to talk to him is to post, publicly, her dissatisfaction with their marriage… hoping that he will read it… and respond… since they no longer speak to each other in person.

A number of her caring friends chime in, giving her support… followed by her husband’s heated and degrading response… followed by the wife’s hurt and debasing response back… followed by more friends trying to calm down the verbal domestic feud that was playing out in front of their eyes.  This went on and on — getting more and more intense and insulting with each post.

Again, I have no idea who these people are.  I just clicked onto a post MY friend had left, which suggested that there was a joke being told… or played on someone.

And I started wondering if this couple was actually playing a joke on their friends, as my friend suspected.

Just a couple of days prior to this post, I had read an article on another one of my social online networks.  It outlined how to break up with someone — and no, it wasn’t full of hate and anger.

Basically, it listed a bunch of things to do and not to do — all focusing on treating the other person with respect — no matter who and why you’re breaking up.

I began to wonder if the two events were connected, somehow.

Even though I didn’t know this couple, we had our mutual friend… and — most probably — are on the same social online networks…

So, I began to wonder if they ran into the same article as I did — because they were managing to do everything the article had said NOT to do…and doing it in such a public manner.

• They listed each other’s character flaws.  [Don’t do that.]
• They were talking about breaking up in the heat of a fight.  [Don’t do that.]
• They were being insulting, condescending, and belittling.  [Don’t do that.]
• They blamed the other and deflected responsibility from themselves.  [Don’t do that.]
• They splattered the details of their breakup all over the Internet (well, on Facebook).  [Don’t do that.]
• They were forcing their (Facebook) friends to choose sides, as it were.  [Don’t do that.]

No… No…No…

The more I thought about it the more I thought my friend was right… This had to be a joke.

Too much of a coincidence.  This had to be a joke.

The next time I got together with my friend, I asked about this couple on Facebook.  She’s not sure but she really thinks it’s all a joke, because this couple is always playing jokes on each other… and it seems that this joke has expanded out to their friends.  Plus, their profile pictures haven’t changed—which was the two of them in a loving embrace.  Both his and her profile pictures were the same… and united in that way.

Yeah… sounds like a joke was being played…

A couple of days later, I got curious and tried to find the link back to that post, but it has disappeared…

Yeah… sounds like a joke had been played…

It serves me right for eavesdropping through Facebook…

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It’s Not Just Business

     

Do you remember when I reached out to a handful of local therapists last year — asking if they would have the time to give me some feedback on our “teen” book? 

Recently, I touched base with one of them and gave her an update on everything that was going on with us.  She was very excited about our progress and wanted to set up a meeting with us and her boss — to brainstorm on how their practice could help promote our books and give us feedback and test our stuff. 

I passed all of this news to Katherine.  It turned out that Katherine knew of this therapist through a mutual friend and was excited over the idea of collaborating with the group.

So, we set a time to meet with the therapist and her boss — thinking a brainstorming session of 4 would be beneficial.

Boy!  Were we surprised when we were ushered into their conference room and came face-to-face with about 10-12 people, sitting around a table, eating their lunch. 

Once they made room for us around the table and introduced themselves to us, they started interviewing us — with questions dealing from number of years we’ve been doing this, how much our type of work was worth, what our fee structure was for sessions and workshops, what education and certifications we had, what documentation and billing systems we had for workshops and presentations… and the questions went on and on…

Imagine how we felt when we’re expecting a 4-person interactive brainstorming session, and instead, we walk into a 12-person tag-team group interview!!

By the end of the interview, the group proposed that they promote a relationship workshop based on the book, for a maximum of 20 people (to be held in their conference room) — charging a fixed price per person and splitting the revenue.  They also wanted bios and pictures to post on their website, along with a date for the workshop.  They wanted to write up a contract for the workshop, with their fee breakdown for the use of their space and their promotional efforts.  After all, they are in the business to make money — as they reminded us. 

They were also very interested in working with Katherine regarding her solo business — which is separate from our joint writing ventures. 

As you can imagine, we left their office feeling a little dizzy and juggling mixed feelings.

The meeting was enlightening, to say the least.  It did make us think about things we hadn’t thought about before.  The business-like approach this therapist group took with us solidified our own desire to focus on the personal side of connecting with others — especially in the way we approach our work and how we partner with others.

For us, it’s not just business…

It’s all about… well, what it’s always been about… relationships.

I don’t understand why, but most people separate their business persona from their personal one.  They’ll conduct themselves differently at work than at home.  You hear it all the time:  “It’s not personal; it’s business,” — as if there’s a separation between the two… as if there are different rules to follow… as if we’re not relating with each other in both settings.

No… we shouldn’t separate the two.  All of us are in the business of relating — or at least we should be.  That’s the only way to do business. 

So, I’m not quite sure how the relationship with this therapist group will develop and grow.  Since presentations and workshops are Katherine’s domain, I’ll let her take the lead on this.  If she wants to pursue this avenue for our joint venture, I’m with her.  If she doesn’t want to do it, I’m with her.  If she just wants to deal with this group for her solo business, I’m with her.  If she wants do the relationship workshop to open an access to other network opportunities, I’m with her.  Whatever she wants to do, I’m with her.  

No.  For us, it’s not just business; it’s about relationships.

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She’s a Sly One, She is!

I’m still going over it in my head.  I’m not really sure exactly how she managed it…

We were sitting at Applebee’s, discussing the book.  I was telling her that I wasn’t prepared to wait another two months to get this new section — that she wanted— added into the book.

She agreed, but she didn’t have any free time for another couple of weeks, unless…

Katherine:  “Unless you come to the women’s retreat this weekend with me.  Then we can work on the section during the lunch break on Saturday… and again at the dinner break…”


Me:    “but…”


Katherine:  “OH!!! and if we can get a group of women to go through the book with us, and get their feedback and…  OH!! This would be wonderful.  Just think of it!!! I’m so excited about this idea!!!  I’ll bring the laptop and, this time, I’ll remember the manuscript with my notes…and…”

She went on and on… so excited that she was jumping up and down in her chair with every new thought she uttered. 

I met her excitement with growing dread.  I sat there shaking my head and pressing my lips closed tightly.  

She’s been inviting me to these weekend gatherings for a month now, and I haven’t had a weekend free to attend any of them. 

Truthfully, I’m not much into large gatherings, retreats, etc.  They aren’t in my comfort zone.  I enjoy small, intimate gatherings with one or two people. 

Katherine knows that about me, and feels that interacting with larger groups would be good for me.  It will get me out of my comfort zone and expand my experiences.

I know she’s right, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m uncomfortable with the thought of it.

It’s like telling me that I should eat more broccoli and spinach because they're good for my health.  Intellectually, I know that to be true, but it doesn’t stop me from going for the chocolate cake, instead.

So, the more she chats about the weekend, the more I dread my fate... because I know — in the end — I will surrender. 

Me:    “Katherine, you know what you’re doing?  Suggesting that we work on the book at the retreat is like dangling a carrot — no, dangling a piece of chocolate cake — in front of me.  You’re using the one thing that I can’t say “no” to…”


Katherine:  “I’m only doing it to you because I think it really will be good for you.  You’ll gain something from the retreat that you never knew you were missing.  Trust me…"


Me:    “And I’ll have my car, so I can leave anytime I want, if it becomes too much for me…”


Katherine:  “Yes, you will have your car and will be free to leave anytime you want… but you’ll enjoy the retreat… you’ll see!  It starts on Friday 3:00 and if you can get the day off, then we can…”

I sat there, just shaking my head…

Yes.  She’s a sly one, she is!

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The Self-Righteous Thief

I had one of my funny little dreams…

The dream begins with two detectives searching through my house.  I’m explaining to them that my cash, credit cards, identification, and jewelry have been stolen from me. 

They ask me a series of questions and I answer them the best I can…

• No, I wasn’t home at the time.  Whoever broke in must have known there was plenty of time.

• No.  I have no idea why the thief would spread religious prayer cards and pamphlets all around my place.

• No.  That’s not my bible.  Mine is on the bookshelf.  The thief must have left that one, along with all the other religious paraphernalia.

• No.  I have no idea why the thief would paint religious symbols all over the outdoor screens, windows, and glass door.

Shaking their heads in disbelief, the detectives bag all the prayer cards and bible as evidence — highly doubting that they will find fingerprints on the items.

They continue to take photos of the thief’s religious artwork, especially of the cross painted right next to the screen that was slashed open and the door that was busted in. 

One of the detectives points to the gaping hole in the screen and informs me that they believe that must be how the thief got in.  [Yes, Mr. Detective, I would have to agree…]

And that’s when I woke up.

**** 

It is easy to figure out from where the “inspiration” for this dream comes. 

 

It comes from a conversation I just had with my 86-year-old mother.  I called to see how she was doing and found her very upset.

She had just been visited by two of her sister-in-laws. 

I am sure that these two women meant well and were full of good intentions, but in their religious zealousness, they destroyed my mother’s self-worth, while heightening her guilt and anxieties.

Pray tell, how did they steal these precious things from her?

Ah… They did it by bringing over a number of prayer cards and pamphlets for my mother to read, digest, and recite now that she’s homebound.  

"After all," they inform my mother, "there is no greater service to mankind than to pray for the salvation of the world; and the elderly and homebound are the ones who have the time to do it."

When she’s assaulted in this manner, Mom tries to push back as much as she can but the guilt that fuels such pious rhetoric is difficult to fend off. 

How does one go about explaining that you don’t want to spend your days chanting prayers that hold no meaning to you?  How do you go about explaining that you’re not motivated by words that create only guilt and unworthiness within you? 

How do you explain these things to those who only hear their own self-righteous voice?

I consoled Mom the best I could by telling her that her sister-in-laws mean well, but they don’t realize that their way is not right for her.  If chanting prayers all day gives them purpose and a reason to get up each morning, then that is great for them — but that doesn’t give them the right to inflict their beliefs on her.  Just because they do those things do not make them “holier than thou.”

Mom:  Yes it does!


Me: No, it doesn’t.  They are only “holier than thou” because they are telling you that they are holier than you — and for no other reason than that. 


Mom:  Well, Beatrice goes to Daily Mass.


Me:  And Beatrice is a very social person.  With her husband passing away and her eight children being grown and out of the house, she finds going to Daily Mass a nice way of getting out, meeting her friends, and feeling useful.


Mom:    Well, I guess so… but she sits under a tree with a rosary and prays a special pray for each of the 50 states… and…


Me:  Mom, if those things give her purpose and meaning to her life, that great!  I’m happy for her, but that doesn’t give her the right to force her beliefs and routines on you or anyone else.  That doesn’t give her the right to judge you — or anyone else.

I thought I was making some headway, until Mom broke down in tears.  After the tears started flowing, there was no stopping them.

So, that’s how my aunts were able to take my mother’s self-worth, while heightening her guilt and anxieties — with religious prayer cards, pamphlets, and painting pictures of the religious devotion and piety… 

         … much like the self-righteous thief in my dream.

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Share Your Light

I got one of those annoying update notices from a business network website.  It was telling me who changed their profile, who’s linking up with whom, who wanted me to join their network, etc.

Because I don’t have much contact with these individuals, I usually just delete the emails without opening them, but for some reason, I opened this one.

In the email, one of my old high school acquaintances looked back at me.  She looked like she was on a sailboat, having fun.  The picture made me happy for her, so I looked down at her recent post.

It was a post that took my breath away.  The post was actually a memorial to her.  It stated that:

 

She was an intelligent and courageous woman. She had the courage of trying to reach for her dream of running a successful assisted-living facility. Her dream was bigger than reality could allow. Sadly, when she recognized this, she was unable to cope with it, and she took her own life on October 19, 2010. She will always be remembered for her loving, joyous, and bubbly personality.

Even though this happened in 2010 and we're embarking on 2012, I sit here numb… and wishing that I had done something more than I had. 

If I had done something, would she have made a different decision?

You see… about two years ago, she found me on this business network website and invited me to join her on this network and on Facebook.  She said that we had gone to high school together and were the best of friends back then.  Even though she was in Texas and I was in Florida, she wanted to reconnect.

I couldn’t remember her as well as she remembered me, but I accepted her invitations, nonetheless. 

Soon after that, she called me.  She recounted scenes from high school like they were yesterday. She’d rattle off names from the past and revealed her mission to reconnect with all her close high school friends.  Those years were the happiest times for her.  Her goal was to resurrect those connections.


In this first contact, she was so happy, bubbly, and full of energy that she spooked me a bit.  I remember mentioning the phone conversation to Katherine, commenting on the intensity of her need for connection — and how sad it was that she was having to reach out thousands of miles away and to years gone by — to the high school years — to find the connections she was thirsting for…


She called me a couple of times after that — and we’d spend hours together over the phone.  In those calls, she told me of her failing business and how that was negatively affecting her marriage... but she’d always end our conversations saying how much I made her feel better… how I made her laugh…  She was always upbeat and excited when we hung up.


This makes me wonder:  If I had called her more, would things be different?


It’s a sobering reminder for the New Year:  We don’t realize how important our presence is to another human being.  We don’t realize how, even as strangers, we can reach out to others — through an understanding smile, an encouraging compliment, a phone conversation, a simple FaceBook post.  We can share our light with others, even if it’s only for a brief moment.


We don’t know what others are going through in their lives.  We don’t know what battles are being lost or what struggles are being managed. 


We only know that our actions affect others.  If we could use the power held in the gifts of focused attention and positive connections more, we could abolish a host of negative and draining emotions that live within others and us. 


Just as the absence of light sustains darkness, the absence of relationships highlights the necessity of them.  Loneliness and despair grow in the dark abyss of one’s soul when the light of human contact is absent.  By reaching out to another and openly sharing ourselves (i.e., our “inner light” or our energy) — even in the smallest of ways — we can dispel the darkness in another human being — if only for that brief moment — and it only takes a moment to affect someone’s inner light.

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Just When I Started to Have Some Sense of Control…

Really!!  Come on!  You’ve got to be kidding me!!!  

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been making myself crazy by researching self-publishing companies and comparing rotten apples to green oranges…

It was just two days ago, when I figured out which self-publishing path I felt most comfortable with.  All of them had their advantages and disadvantages, but the one I picked gave us more control and more royalties, with less expense on our part.  Yes, it meant more work on my end, but I was OK with that.

So, now I’ve been in the experimenting mode — formatting the book on my own, researching how to create ebooks, book covers, etc.  The more I do, the less it will cost to produce the book and more we can spend on promotion and marketing… at least that’s the plan.

I’m feeling better about things because I feel that we are moving again… moving down the path of being published.  I’m no longer in a holding pattern.  I’m no longer waiting… waiting… waiting…

I feel more in control of things!  Yea!!!!

And tonight — as I’m researching and learning all about copyright registration and Library of Congress cataloging — up pops an email from the California independent publisher — the publisher that asked us to revamped the book to fit their marketing niche. 

And we did just that.  We revamped the whole book for them.  I resubmitted it to them months ago, with several follow-up emails to make sure they received the new rewrites.  When I didn’t hear back from them, I simply assumed they weren’t interested in the rewrite, and I simply moved on.

Turns out, the person I was working with at that publishing house recently left that publisher, and a new person has taken her place.  This woman hasn’t had a chance to look at our material yet, but wanted to assure me that they did receive it.

Great!  Now what do we do?

Do we put our self-publishing plans on hold, until this “real” publisher gets back to us? 

Everything that I’ve been researching, experimenting, and teaching myself would be… well, taken care of by the publisher.  The book would become their property and our royalties would be less, but…

A “real” publisher can get us into bookstores and libraries and open doors to promotional events that would be closed to self-publishers.  Our book would be more eligible to be cataloged in the Library of Congress, which makes us easier to find.  [I learned that on-demand and self-published works are out of the scope for the Cataloging in Publication (CIP) program for the Library of Congress.]

We also wouldn’t carry the “stigma” of the “vanity press” label that self-publishers have to deal with…

All this only happens if a publisher takes us on —and this new acquisitions editor still hasn’t looked at our new book proposal and revamped book.  She may pass on it as well.

So, what does all this mean?  It means I’m back waiting… waiting… waiting…

Waiting for her to either work with us or send us another “encouraging letter of hope.”

And all this happens just as I start to have some sense of control…

Really!!  Come on!  You’ve got to be kidding me!!! 

Keep in Touch

I complimented a co-worker for a job well done and patted her on the shoulder.

She stopped for a moment and gave me a thoughtful look. 

It was then that I realized that I may have crossed into her personal space when I patted her on her shoulder.  In this crazy world that we live in, I guess I could be brought up on harassment charges in the workplace because I touched her.

I started backing away from her when she smiled and said, “You know, it’s really nice to be appreciated and be given a pat on the back every once in a while… well… a pat on the shoulder.”

I walked back to her chair and gave her another pat on her shoulder and then I gave her a pat on her back.  Then, I rubbed her back between her shoulders a bit.

She said, “Oh, wow!  I’ll give you 30 minutes to stop that.”

It’s just another reminder that we need to be told that we are appreciated.  We need to feel that we are appreciated. 

Everyone needs a good pat on the back… and if you follow it with a little back rub, all the better!

That Didn’t Last Very Long…

Just got word from the “intrigued” publisher…

Although our work is interesting and intriguing, their listing is all booked for the next year and can’t place our book on it for now… She wishes us the best of luck…

That’s the catch in all of this…

The larger publishers won’t look at our work because we haven’t been published… and the smaller publishers who will look at us — and are moved by our stuff — don’t have the staff, resources, and publishing power to take on more than they already have.

Seems like an endless cycle for us.  I feel a bit like Don Quixote, fighting my own personal giants.

Like the song, Windmills of Your Mind, from the Thomas Crown Affair:

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Anyway, I’m trying to think of another strategy, while still sending out (pointless) queries and book proposals.

If only I can connect with some established authors in the field that we want to break into, maybe they could help us.  It’s worth a try. 

What’s the worst thing that can happen?  They ignore our request… and heaven knows, I’m used to that by now.

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Hope’s Working Overtime

It’s hard not to daydream about this, but I can't help it.  It's constantly on my mind.

I’m trying my best not to get excited, because it hurts when I'm forced to wake up from the dream, but...

Another publisher found our proposal and sample passages intriguing, and would be interested in reviewing the full manuscript.

I can’t get over the word she used... “intriguing.”  

As silly as it sounds, that one word holds so much promise for me. 

Yes, Hope’s working overtime.

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Giving It Another Try…and Another… and Another

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Well, since we’re revamping the relationship book again, Katherine wants to try reaching out to literary agents (again) to see if they can knock on the mega-publishers’ doors for us.

Early responses back from those inquiries are not helpful.  Many won't take new authors, only established authors recommended by other established authors.  Others only accept "full-length" books.

I asked the agent exactly what her definition of "full-length" books was...  since, in my mind, a book is as long as it needs to be to get your story told — no longer or shorter than that.   If it's shorter than that, then  it's not complete; if it's longer than that, then you're wasting your readers' valuable time with redundancy and unwanted rhetoric.

So, I’m back on the computer doing what I hate, Hate, HATE doing!!

And what’s my reward for doing it?  I’m positioned and posed for more and more “encouraging letters of hope” to fill my inbox.

Yeah, I hate, Hate, HATE this part!

But, I keep telling myself that at least this exercise — no matter what the outcome — will, ultimately, lead us in the right direction. 

[P.S. The literary agent did explain that there is a higher price break for books of 55,000 words or more, and she is only interested in pursuing higher page-count books.]

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OH, NO YOU DIDN’T!!!

I’ve shared with you that I volunteer with an e-mentoring program.   It’s a way to help hundreds/thousands of students as they transition from junior high to high school and out into the adult world.

I’m working with a number of super kids this year — very bright, intuitive, caring, and confident. 

Let me give you a quick example:

One of the assignments asked the mentees to answer the following question:  

“Is there anyone your age who has a job that you envy or a job that you know will help them get into college or into better employment? Describe the job that you envy.  Could you find a similar job for yourself? Why or why not?”

 

When I first read that question, I saw red... really RED!  All I could think of was:

OH, NO YOU DIDN’T!!!

The problem with the program's question is that it sets up the impression that it’s acceptable to feel envious of another’s good fortune — without re-enforcing the importance of the warning signals behind such a feeling.  It opens a door into a darkened room, without making any attempt to shed light on the issues that underlie feelings of envy and jealousy.
 
The best test of a healthy self-image is how excited and pleased you are when something good happens to another.  Am I as excited about your good fortune as you are?  If I’m not, then I’m struggling with insecurities and doubts about my self-image.   

Even if the organization doesn’t get it, my students do!  I just love one of my student’s answer to this question. 

She wrote:  “… and if my friends did have a good job, I wouldn't envy them; I would be proud for them.”

I’m really proud of her, and she’s just one of the amazing kids I’ve met through this volunteer program.  

[As a side note:  I emailed the organization and asked if they could reconsider the wording of that particular question.  We'll see what response I get from them.]

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Cut the Strings Tied to Caring*

Everyone tells me that I'm a great listener and confidant; and because of that, they share their problems with me.

They come to me utterly frustrated, exhausted, and powerless.  I can hear the love, the caring, and the pain in their voices as they pour out their concerns to me.  I can feel their suffering as they beg me to solve their problems for them. 

I’m honored that so many are comfortable in sharing their concerns with me; I’m flattered that they think that I have the power to solve their problems; and I’m humbled by my inability to give them what they want.

Luckily, the issues they are agonizing over are not life-threatening.  In fact, the problems they’re bringing me are not even their problems.  The problems they bring me are the consequences of actions and choices of another, which is why my friends are feeling so lost and powerless…

The best thing I can do is to help them realize that what’s happening around them is not happening to them, but is actually happening to someone else — and is the natural result of the choices made by that other person. 

That’s the biggest hurdle for us to get over, especially when we care so much for another. 

It’s hard to watch loved ones in trouble and not be able to stop the spiraling cycle they’ve put themselves in.  It feels as if we’re tangled up — right alongside them — struggling to free ourselves from the shackles that are weighing them down.

I think this is why we are so quick to accept blame or fault for another’s predicament.  By accepting blame, we mentally try to take ownership of the situation.  We strap ourselves to the situation, even though we have no business doing so. 

Once we insert ourselves into the middle of things, we start to feel that the problem is all about us.  It becomes our responsibility to right the wrong… to fix the problem… to control the situation. 

This is from where the angst comes. 

We try, disparately, to take ownership of the problem, but it’s not our problem to take.  We want to control the situation, but it’s not our situation to control.  It belongs to another person, and there’s nothing we can do to change that.

We’re constantly overestimating our power to change another person.  We keep trying to change others, and we keep failing. When we fail, we blame ourselves for failing, which propels us to try even harder…

This frustrating and unproductive cycle can only end when we stop trying to change others and concentrate on changing ourselves. 

To do this, we must cut the strings we’ve so masterfully woven around the caring we’ve provided to others. 

We have to work on letting go and letting our loved ones live their own lives — mistakes and all. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not suggesting that we stop caring for each other.  I’m not suggesting that we cut contact from our loved ones.

 No.  I’m suggesting that we shift the way we care for each other.  We have to stop stepping in and taking over; and, instead, we need to step back and allow them to take on the consequences of their own actions.

We can’t protect our loved ones from life, but we can prepare them for it.  We can give them the tools and confidence to take on the challenges that are ahead of them. 

Once we’ve taught them how to fly, we must muster up enough courage to cut the strings and let them fly on their own… and in whatever direction they choose to go.

*Adapted excerpt from our book....

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I’m Ready to Get Back to Writing Again

I’m ready to leave all this administrative stuff behind me again. 

I’m ready to leave the correspondence with publishers to someone else.

I’m ready to jump back into my creative world and leave the rest of the world to fend for itself.

In corresponding with several publishers, it’s become quite clear that they base their decisions on a quick scan of bits and pieces of materials—just enough to see if the book fits their specific need for the moment.

That UK publisher — who saw everything in a negative light and who needed a relationship book — emailed back.  She felt our relationship book wasn’t a relationship book… because it included friendship as an important relationship.  They’ve been working long and hard on another friendship book and didn’t want to stop work on that one to start all over with ours.

I totally understand where the UK publisher is coming from. I didn’t want to start over and rework a bunch of new book proposal packages… for goodness sakes!

What I find… disheartening… is that she couldn’t see how our book was about relationships.  Yes, it included friendship in its relationship spectrum, but why should that prevent the book from being about relationships?

As we explain in our book:

Everyone knows that strong relationships are essential for a healthy and happy life.  From the moment we’re born, we begin to learn about ourselves through interactions with those around us.  Our very self-worth is tied to what others think, see, and share. 


For the majority of us, our first experience with relationships is through family interactions.  It is through the family’s bond that we, as children, take our first steps toward physical security and emotional connections.  Although these are our first close connections, these relationships are —for the most part — chosen for us.  We don’t have an active role in selecting our family. 


As we mature, we venture out from the comfort of our family circle.  It is during this exploration that we learn more about ourselves and how we affect others. 

The first relationship we actually choose for ourselves is a friendship.  We actively seek out and develop a close connection with persons outside of our family unit.  In friendships, we’re able to explore and cultivate our skills in relating, communicating, trusting, respecting, and sustaining quality relationships.  A close friendship is our introduction to developing and sustaining an intimate and lasting relationship. 


Sadly, some have mistaken friendships as something to be discarded — like training wheels after learning to ride a bike.  Although always beneficial, many treat friendships as something less than a “real” relationship — only to be seen as training wheels to a “real relationship.” 


Many don’t even realize how powerful, empowering, and intimate a close friendship can be.  They don’t realize how a friendship can infuse a person’s life with the energy, encouragement, support, and love needed to light their way through their darkest hours.


Yes.  A close friendship is a relationship that contains the power to do this. 

All this makes me stop and think:  Maybe this “negative” UK publisher is searching for something more than just a relationship book to fill their publishing needs…

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I Messed Up!

I was jolted out of bed this morning, realizing that I royally messed up!

I had prepared those @#$@#$ book proposals the other night and just screwed things up.

Maybe it’s because I hate, Hate, HATE doing this part of the process…

Maybe it’s because I am so tired and burned out with this…

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to receive any more “encouraging letters of hope”…

WHATEVER the reason, in the early morning hours — long before the sun woke up — it struck me that I had addressed the SASE (self-addressed stamped envelopes) backwards.  If used the way I addressed them, the encouraging letters of hope would simply end up back on the publishers’ doorsteps.

I feel like such an idiot!!!

If only I could right my wrong, myself… then no one would know my stupidity, but I can’t.

I had already handed over the packages to Katherine to be mailed.  I’ll have to call her — at some more reasonable hour (but before she starts her errands and mails these packages) — to confess my stupidity and have her right my wrong for me.

I hate, Hate, HATE this part of the process.  Have I told you that before?

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Out with the Old!

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OK, my little tantrum and pity party is over from the other day. 

I brooded my way through the list of publishers again.  I emailed more than a dozen, and prepared mailers for another nine publishers.  

Then I did something really constructive.  I went through my stack of papers from all the writing projects, and filled my recycle bin with papers and copies of the “old versions” of the friendship book, of the teen book, and of the children’s books. 

Since each book has to be redone, to follow the new format we’ve created with the friendship book, there was no reason for me to hold on to what’s no longer usable. 

That de-cluttering project helped me let go of the past and move on to the new path we’re undertaking.  As I threw away all the papers, I freed myself to move forward.

After all, you get nowhere looking back to something that cannot be. 

Just keep looking ahead and moving forward.

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I Want to Scream!

This afternoon, Katherine and I finished finalizing the query letter and book proposal for the rewrite of the relationship book along with selecting the sample chapters to send to the publishers.

This process is so hard — trying to convince publishers to take a chance on first-time authors.

Yes, we knew from the start that we had huge hurdles to jump.  In these hard economic times, publishers are not picking up new authors because they want assurance that their efforts will produce profits for them.  As first-time authors, we have no wide media access, no history, no literary following, no marketable credentials, and no funds.  We are no-bodies to the world of publishing.

If only we can convince a publisher to take a chance on us… but how can we accomplish that?

So, as we start sending out query letters out again, I’m back, asking the same questions I did months and months and months ago…

How do you persuade another person to listen to you
When that person isn’t interested in what you have to say?

How do you give yourself to another person
When that person isn’t aware of what you have to give?

How do you show another person your passion
When that person doesn’t see you standing there?

How do you open another person’s mind
When that person’s mind is locked from the inside?

How do you touch another person’s heart
When that heart is full of material things?

How do you convince another person of your value
When that person values money over relationships?

How do you reach people like these
When you can’t even get their attention?

How?

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Kick Start Your Life TODAY with Marlo Thomas

Go ahead and call me crazy; call me silly; call me a dreamer; call me whatever you like…

The Today Show is starting a new series.  It’s called Kick Start Your Life TODAY with Marlo Thomas.  They are looking for stories of people who are looking to get themselves out of ruts. If they select our story, experts may be able to help or suggest ways we can move forward on our projects.

What I really hope would happen is that they get excited about what we’ve done, ask to see the book, love the book, help us get it published, and promote the book on their show, having us as guests on their show… asking us back frequently…

Yeah… Go ahead and call me crazy; call me silly; call me a dreamer; call me whatever you like…

Marlo, just call me!

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Trying to Fit a Square Peg into a Round Hole?

After writing that last entry, I went to bed, trying to be positive about our future — but I kept coming back to what the acquisitions editor is saying.  People only buy friendship books that focus on repairing damaged friendships or dealing with toxic friends.

If that’s an accurate statement, then I’m screwed.  No publisher will pick us up.

The only way to be picked up by a publisher is to challenge that belief — that there’s no one interested in a book like ours.  How can no one want to develop healthy relationships from the start?  It just doesn’t make sense!

So, I wrote back to the editor and commented that we’re living in a pretty sad world if people would rather screw up their relationships than develop healthy ones from the start.   I admitted that I did understand the publisher's perspective, but I couldn't help but wish we could change his mind, somehow. If only we could talk to him and present our case. All we're looking for is a chance to change people's minds.

I’m not exactly sure what happened, but she opened the door for us again... to see if we can massage the friendship book to fit the publisher’s step-by-step approach to self-help products.

We may be trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, but we’re trying.  It all depends exactly how much we’re willing to chisel out of “our” book to fit “their” formula.

How far will we go to get published?

We’ll just have to wait and see…

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