Spirituality vs. Religion

An acquaintance, Shelly, asked me about our “progress” on the book.  I shared with her our search for someone who can understand and capture what we desire for our cover art.

Immediately, Shelly proceeded to list names of people her son knew who did artwork and web designs.  She offered to send me links to their websites and talk to her son about all of this…

I appreciated her enthusiasm, but we really needed someone who could understand and capture our vision… 

In trying to explain this, I used the word spiritual.

She stepped back, looking defeated.  Her eyes dimmed, and her confidence dissolved.  She shook her head and started to take back her offer because she, her son, and his friends are not churchgoers…

I stopped her there, because there is a big difference between being spiritual and going to church.   

Spirituality is not defined by whether you go to church or not.  

Spirituality is not defined by a particular religious dogma — or even whether you believe in a Supreme Being or not… whether you believe in life after death or not…

No, don’t confuse the two.  

Organized religion exists to help us achieve spirituality and is not the end in itself. 

Once a religion no longer supports our spiritual growth, it loses its purpose and credibility.  

Spirituality does not suffer that same fate, because it inspires us to be inclusive.  It doesn't create barriers nor restrict personal growth.

Spirituality cannot be contained in a church building… but thrives within the inner core of each person.

No… don’t confuse the two.

As I said this, Shelly’s smile came back… her confidence came back… her spirit came back… home.


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Your Mission in Life

Mom has moved to the rehab facility to get her on her feet again.
 

She is not happy at rehab.  They are making her get up and do therapy that she doesn’t like doing.  They are making her follow a routine that is not her own.  They want her to get out of her darkened room and socialize with other patients. 

The facility is providing nutritional meals.  Friendly CNAs are coming by to check on her.  Whenever she rings for help, they come.

Extended family members are constantly calling and coming by to keep her spirits up.

In response to all of this, she keeps saying she wants to simply go to sleep and not wake up.

As I said before, we know how this story will end, but we’re not near the end…

There’s something more that Mom has to accomplish.  Exactly what that “thing” is, I’m not sure… but I know every life has a purpose… and has a mission to fulfill. 

Once our mission is completed, then we will move on from this life to the next.  To give up on a life before it has fulfilled its mission will affect and alter others left in this life.

That’s because everything on this planet is connected in some way.  Every action — every “thing” — has significance to someone.  Even if we don’t see the connection or significance, it doesn’t mean that the connection doesn’t exist.

What’s does Mom have left to do?  I have no idea.  I don’t know if this time is given to her to accomplish something for herself or for another.   For instance, her presence and interactions with others during this time may help them fulfill their own personal missions. 

I don’t know… and I don’t need to know for any of this to happen as it should.

I just believe that every life, every action, every word affects another; therefore, your whole life — from beginning to end — has purpose.  

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Narcissism

I’ve been thinking about narcissism ever since a close friend of mine mentioned that another friend of hers accused her of being a narcissist.

Well… my friend does have a heighten sense of self-awareness.  She knows what she wants and needs; and she focuses her energy toward getting those wants and needs met.  In short, she takes on the responsibility of taking care of herself.

And, to be a well-adjusted and healthy person, shouldn’t we all be aware of what we need and want?  If we don’t take care of ourselves, how would we have the energy and ability to take care of others?  And who should take on the responsibility of caring for ourselves, if it’s not us?  

Aren’t we responsible for our own happiness?

So, where do we draw the line between supporting a healthy self-image and being a narcissist?

In answering that question for myself, I came across the article, “How to Spot a Narcissist.” by Samuel López De Victoria, Ph.D.  In his article, he makes a definite distinction between a “healthy narcissist” and an “extreme narcissist.”  

As with everything else, we have to strike a balance.  We all have to have some amount of narcissism in our nature.  This is what defines our personal preferences, aspirations, and needs, and propels us to success — in however we define success. 

To support a healthy sense of self, we must respect and honor our needs as much as we respect and honor the needs of others.

In the case of an extreme narcissist, the healthy sense of self has morphed into an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with one’s self — to the exclusion and detachment of others.  When this happens, the person is considered to have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

In this personality disorder, narcissism takes on the form of “being totally absorbed in self.”  The person is the center of his or her own universe — eventually cutting others off and becoming emotionally isolated. 

To an extreme narcissist, you are an object to be used.  Once he or she no longer has use for you, you are no longer desired, wanted, or sought.  The narcissist will cut you off — identifying you as an untrustworthy person who can harm the narcissist.

Although the causes of this disorder are largely unknown, some believe that they arise from children who were over-indulged and spoiled — and from children who experienced conditional love based on performance criteria (e.g., strict parents giving praise only for good grades will raise a child who learns not to trust anyone but himself for emotional soothing).

Dr. López De Victoria’s view is that Narcissistic Personality Disorder “usually starts with a significant emotional wound or series of them culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment…. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood.”

The trauma was so shattering that it essentially killed these people emotionally.  To protect themselves from any further hurt, extreme narcissists will isolate themselves from emotional and relational contact. They’ll construct protective barriers that’ll keep the external world of people away from them.  They believe that all people are harmful and untrustworthy. 

What causes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder may be unclear, but its symptoms are pretty clear.  They include:

• Reacting to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation
• Taking advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
• Having excessive feelings of self-importance and obsessive self-interest
• Exaggerating achievements and talents
• Being preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, intelligence, or ideal love
• Needing constant attention and admiration
• Disregarding the feelings of others and having little ability to feel empathy
• Pursuing mainly selfish goals

After reviewing this list, it becomes clear to me where the line is drawn between supporting a healthy self-image and being an extreme narcissist.

It’s how we view and treat others.  Do we respect and honor others as much as we do ourselves?

If the answer is, No — then we’ve crossed that line.

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Defining Conflict

I recently heard an interview by Tim Scudder, co-author of “Have a Nice Conflict,” and learned an interesting way to view conflict. 

Every time you see a conflict, you have an opportunity to learn what matters to people.  You learn how they defend their interests and how they define their self-worth.

He made a point to differentiate between a disagreement and a conflict.  Just because you disagree with me doesn’t mean that we are in conflict.  We can simply disagree, which gives us the opportunity to talk through our differences.

A conflict is when we start to get personal, and we add an emotional component to our interactions.  Yes, your self-interest is getting in the way of mine, but there’s more to it than that.  We’re no longer able to calmly and objectively articulate what you want and what I want.

Once emotions come into play, logic fails us.  I start to feel threatened.  I start to feel that my very self-worth is being attacked.  In turn, I strike back at you — wanting to hurt you as intimately as you hurt me.

Whatever we were discussing — and, now, fighting about — must be extremely important to both of us, because why else would we gamble so heartlessly with our self-worth?

Whatever threatens our self-worth is really important to us; therefore, every time you have a conflict with someone, you learn what matters to that person.  Once you figure out why that person is upset — what really matters to that person — then you can start figuring out how to resolve the conflict.

But to actually resolve the conflict, I must suspend my wants and needs — my self-interest — and focus on your wants and needs.  That’s darn hard when we’re already in the middle of a heated argument where emotions have already taken over and each are protecting our self-worth from further attacks from the other.

No, it’s much too late by then.  Once we get to that stage, neither of us is concerned with the problem or the other person.  We are only focusing on our own self-worth.

Tim Scudder elaborated on this phenomenon by explaining that there are three stages of conflict. 

• In the first stage, I can see and focus on the problem; I can see and focus on my needs; and I can see and focus on your needs.
• In the second stage, as the conflict starts to deepen and gets more severe, I start to focus only on the problem and my interest.  You’ve dropped out of the picture.
• By the third stage, my emotions have blinded me to everything but my interest.  I don’t even see the problem anymore.  I’m only defending and protecting my self-worth that is being threatened and attacked. 

It’s at this third stage that it’s really too late to try to come to any type of resolution with me, because neither you nor the initial problem exists for me.

The trick is to keep conflicts from escalating into the second or third stages — where we lose focus of each other and the problem.

How do we do this?

I guess we’ll tackle that the next time we’re together. 

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