Narcissism

I’ve been thinking about narcissism ever since a close friend of mine mentioned that another friend of hers accused her of being a narcissist.

Well… my friend does have a heighten sense of self-awareness.  She knows what she wants and needs; and she focuses her energy toward getting those wants and needs met.  In short, she takes on the responsibility of taking care of herself.

And, to be a well-adjusted and healthy person, shouldn’t we all be aware of what we need and want?  If we don’t take care of ourselves, how would we have the energy and ability to take care of others?  And who should take on the responsibility of caring for ourselves, if it’s not us?  

Aren’t we responsible for our own happiness?

So, where do we draw the line between supporting a healthy self-image and being a narcissist?

In answering that question for myself, I came across the article, “How to Spot a Narcissist.” by Samuel López De Victoria, Ph.D.  In his article, he makes a definite distinction between a “healthy narcissist” and an “extreme narcissist.”  

As with everything else, we have to strike a balance.  We all have to have some amount of narcissism in our nature.  This is what defines our personal preferences, aspirations, and needs, and propels us to success — in however we define success. 

To support a healthy sense of self, we must respect and honor our needs as much as we respect and honor the needs of others.

In the case of an extreme narcissist, the healthy sense of self has morphed into an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with one’s self — to the exclusion and detachment of others.  When this happens, the person is considered to have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

In this personality disorder, narcissism takes on the form of “being totally absorbed in self.”  The person is the center of his or her own universe — eventually cutting others off and becoming emotionally isolated. 

To an extreme narcissist, you are an object to be used.  Once he or she no longer has use for you, you are no longer desired, wanted, or sought.  The narcissist will cut you off — identifying you as an untrustworthy person who can harm the narcissist.

Although the causes of this disorder are largely unknown, some believe that they arise from children who were over-indulged and spoiled — and from children who experienced conditional love based on performance criteria (e.g., strict parents giving praise only for good grades will raise a child who learns not to trust anyone but himself for emotional soothing).

Dr. López De Victoria’s view is that Narcissistic Personality Disorder “usually starts with a significant emotional wound or series of them culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment…. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood.”

The trauma was so shattering that it essentially killed these people emotionally.  To protect themselves from any further hurt, extreme narcissists will isolate themselves from emotional and relational contact. They’ll construct protective barriers that’ll keep the external world of people away from them.  They believe that all people are harmful and untrustworthy. 

What causes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder may be unclear, but its symptoms are pretty clear.  They include:

• Reacting to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation
• Taking advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
• Having excessive feelings of self-importance and obsessive self-interest
• Exaggerating achievements and talents
• Being preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, intelligence, or ideal love
• Needing constant attention and admiration
• Disregarding the feelings of others and having little ability to feel empathy
• Pursuing mainly selfish goals

After reviewing this list, it becomes clear to me where the line is drawn between supporting a healthy self-image and being an extreme narcissist.

It’s how we view and treat others.  Do we respect and honor others as much as we do ourselves?

If the answer is, No — then we’ve crossed that line.

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Wake-up Call

I was in the break room, in the early morning hours, when one of the supervisors came in.  I can’t say that she’s the most pleasant person on the floor, but she did manage to mumble, “Good Morning.” 

I mumbled back something very positive — something like:  “I’d rather be anywhere but here.”

Now, that comment — this early in the morning — usually brings agreement and a light chuckle from the other person.  Let’s face it.  Most of us would rather be ANYWHERE else but at work, so early in the morning…

Today, I learned that “most of us” is not “all of us.”

Nope.  This supervisor’s response was:  “Well, I’d thought all your outside activities created enough distractions for you.”

What she said (and the way she said it) was a bit odd — as if she believed that the main purpose of life is to live and breathe for the company… and “the other stuff” people do “away from the office” are simply fluffy distractions…

At first, I was slightly irritated.  I don’t feel any part of my life to be a distraction.  Every part has purpose… even the mundane part that is spent at the office.  I go to work and provide a service, for which I get paid, so I can live my life comfortably and completely.  Simply put:  I work to live and not live to work.

That’s when I had to remind myself of the difference between this supervisor and me.  Definitely, her existence revolves around her job.  She is defined — and sealed in — by her position.  She spends her days in her office, not interacting with others.  She feels that the more work she generates, the more valuable she is to her boss.  With this in mind, she designs more work for herself — and everyone working for her — than is needed to get the original task completed.  Because of that, she finds it necessary to take work home every night and weekend.  Even working these extra hours, she finds herself behind in her work — missing deadlines and making mistakes.  Her reward for all of this is to be disrespected and discounted by her boss. 

It’s sad to watch, because it’s obvious that she puts her heart and soul into her job, and none of it is appreciated… if noticed at all.  This causes her to walk around in a constant state of… numbness.

Yeah, I can see how — to her — my outside activities can be seen as distractions — and even interference — to her disciplined definition of existence. 

And, I guess she’s right.  If I lived to work, I’d probably be more like her…and be satisfied with simply existing.

But I don’t see that happening any time soon.  I’m having too much fun exploring the art of living…

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What Bugs Me?

I walked into one of the opened office rooms where a small group had gathered around Julie.  They were all staring at her sweater’s sleeve.  I asked what was so intriguing on the sleeve.

“A bug,” came the response.

So, we had five people staring at the sleeve of the sixth person, contemplating the fate of this tiny, little bug that ended up in the wrong place…

After (what seemed to be) endless minutes, the conclusion was to take the bug outside and release it into nature, to be set free to enjoy its remaining days in sunlight — something us “office-folks” long for on a daily basis…

Watching this group from afar, I couldn’t help but think how sad it was that contemplating and guiding — if not controlling — this bug’s life on a sweater’s sleeve gave us more intellectual stimulation and life’s purpose than our jobs.

 That’s what bugs me…

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What Could Have Been

I woke up this morning from an uncomfortable dream—and its memory has been haunting me all day. 

It dealt with an unhealthy relationship that I broke off years ago. 

In the dream, I was still attached to that person.  The breakup never happened. 

In the dream, I was still being belittled in front of others by this person—trying to make me feel less than worthy.

In the dream, the person still pushed me around and expected me to jump when I was told to jump.

*****

I woke up disheveled and breathless — wondering why such feelings and scenes flooded my dreams and saturated my thoughts… and why now?

Maybe they were there to remind me of what could have been.

Maybe they were there to reassure me that I made the right decision — even if it was a hard decision to make… and even harder to follow through, once made.

Maybe they were there to reinforce the fact that I’m better on my own than with someone like that.

Maybe they were there to celebrate the person I’ve become...

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Drape Those You Love With Respect and Honor

I was on one of the writers’ message boards the other day, and someone posted the following question:

What if your partner doesn't support you in your writing venture?

She went on to write that she runs into acknowledgements and dedication pages of books full of gratefulness to the writers’ spouses, partners, and parents for their support in the arduous journey toward publication.  But what if your loved ones don't support you?  How do you wade through the rejections, fight the self-doubts, and retain your self-worth?

A number of writers chimed in, sharing how their spouses are as unsupportive as hers, and it was deadly to their writing.  One said that her spouse would verbally support her, but his actions built a wall that separated her from her dream. One said that her husband told her she will fail in her attempts at reaching her dream.   One was told her writing endeavor was a complete waste of time.  One gentleman said he gave up his creative passion for 20 years, trying to satisfy his woman; and in doing so, his soul withered.  The stress would have killed him, if the relationship hadn’t crumbled first.  Some advised her to turn to other writers for support — those with the same passions and in the same situation…

They (sort of) addressed the issue…but indirectly.  To me, the real issue has more to do with the lack of “support”— and less to do with the “writing venture.”   

Those responding to her question never came out and said that if your loved ones are not interested in supporting you in your personal mission, your aspirations, and your dreams — whatever those may be — then there’s something lacking…there’s someone missing… in the relationship. 

When your loved ones — whether they be your family, friends, or lovers — don’t take an interest in what you’re doing… and in how you’re feeling… then, they’ve “checked out” of the relationship.  They are not respecting and honoring the relationship, as it currently exists.  They may have at one time… but no longer.

What happened over time, I don't know.  All I know is that when you no longer feel respected and honored in a relationship, you will search out those who will fulfill your needs…

Simply put:  A relationship cannot thrive if it’s not draped in respect and honor — like a warm blanket shared by two people, bringing them closer together.

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Never Saw That Coming

Gosh!  I can never guess what message will be received when I post these pieces.  All that is certain is that the comments rarely go in the direction that I expect.

I posted the last journal entry to another social network website and got an interesting response from a gentleman.

His suggested solutions to elderly abuse was taxation on corporate temples and other religious organizations, recruiting and creating a TV ad campaign with AARP to run a "psych pathology" series for the elderly… and his “ending” comment was to wait or “encourage” the elderly to die off…


Wow!  Honestly, I never saw that one coming!


I wasn't aware that I was talking about elderly abuse in the last piece, BUT... if we want to talk about abuse — whether it be elderly, child, wife, husband, workplace, etc.— I don’t see how more laws, taxation, dogma declarations, promotions, advertising, etc. will stop this.   These things will only add to the judgment, self-righteousness, self-interest, and abuse that already exist.

My belief is that abuse will only stop when individuals stop asserting their needs or wants over others.

Abusive patterns will only end when we truly respect and honor each other as human beings.

There seems to be this drive and hunger in us to assert ourselves over everything around us, including people. There is this ingrained survival-of-the-fittest mentality in the human psyche that is carried over from our cave-dwelling days. Our culture still thrives on this facet of our humanness.

Ironically, in preserving the human race in this manner, we lose what makes us human. The very trait that has preserved our species has destroyed our humanity. In whatever form it takes, this survival-of-the-fittest theme prevents — if not totally destroys — the emotional survival of humanity.

It hinders the possibility of experiencing and cultivating quality relationships with friends and couples and within families and social groups. It stands in the way of the most fundamental and vital element of a relationship. It stands in the way of trust.

Simple put: How can we trust each other, if, as a society, we reward “the fittest” who steps over — or on — those who are seen as weak and vulnerable?

No, delegating the responsibility of curtailing abuse to a society that takes advantage of the vulnerable just doesn’t seem to be the answer.  It’s as if I’m giving the self-righteous thief (in my dream) a key to our homes.

So, who’s left? 

I’m back to my original thought:  Abuse will only end when we truly respect and honor each other as human beings — no matter their age, their looks, their gender, their size, their nationality, their religion, etc.


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The Self-Righteous Thief

I had one of my funny little dreams…

The dream begins with two detectives searching through my house.  I’m explaining to them that my cash, credit cards, identification, and jewelry have been stolen from me. 

They ask me a series of questions and I answer them the best I can…

• No, I wasn’t home at the time.  Whoever broke in must have known there was plenty of time.

• No.  I have no idea why the thief would spread religious prayer cards and pamphlets all around my place.

• No.  That’s not my bible.  Mine is on the bookshelf.  The thief must have left that one, along with all the other religious paraphernalia.

• No.  I have no idea why the thief would paint religious symbols all over the outdoor screens, windows, and glass door.

Shaking their heads in disbelief, the detectives bag all the prayer cards and bible as evidence — highly doubting that they will find fingerprints on the items.

They continue to take photos of the thief’s religious artwork, especially of the cross painted right next to the screen that was slashed open and the door that was busted in. 

One of the detectives points to the gaping hole in the screen and informs me that they believe that must be how the thief got in.  [Yes, Mr. Detective, I would have to agree…]

And that’s when I woke up.

**** 

It is easy to figure out from where the “inspiration” for this dream comes. 

 

It comes from a conversation I just had with my 86-year-old mother.  I called to see how she was doing and found her very upset.

She had just been visited by two of her sister-in-laws. 

I am sure that these two women meant well and were full of good intentions, but in their religious zealousness, they destroyed my mother’s self-worth, while heightening her guilt and anxieties.

Pray tell, how did they steal these precious things from her?

Ah… They did it by bringing over a number of prayer cards and pamphlets for my mother to read, digest, and recite now that she’s homebound.  

"After all," they inform my mother, "there is no greater service to mankind than to pray for the salvation of the world; and the elderly and homebound are the ones who have the time to do it."

When she’s assaulted in this manner, Mom tries to push back as much as she can but the guilt that fuels such pious rhetoric is difficult to fend off. 

How does one go about explaining that you don’t want to spend your days chanting prayers that hold no meaning to you?  How do you go about explaining that you’re not motivated by words that create only guilt and unworthiness within you? 

How do you explain these things to those who only hear their own self-righteous voice?

I consoled Mom the best I could by telling her that her sister-in-laws mean well, but they don’t realize that their way is not right for her.  If chanting prayers all day gives them purpose and a reason to get up each morning, then that is great for them — but that doesn’t give them the right to inflict their beliefs on her.  Just because they do those things do not make them “holier than thou.”

Mom:  Yes it does!


Me: No, it doesn’t.  They are only “holier than thou” because they are telling you that they are holier than you — and for no other reason than that. 


Mom:  Well, Beatrice goes to Daily Mass.


Me:  And Beatrice is a very social person.  With her husband passing away and her eight children being grown and out of the house, she finds going to Daily Mass a nice way of getting out, meeting her friends, and feeling useful.


Mom:    Well, I guess so… but she sits under a tree with a rosary and prays a special pray for each of the 50 states… and…


Me:  Mom, if those things give her purpose and meaning to her life, that great!  I’m happy for her, but that doesn’t give her the right to force her beliefs and routines on you or anyone else.  That doesn’t give her the right to judge you — or anyone else.

I thought I was making some headway, until Mom broke down in tears.  After the tears started flowing, there was no stopping them.

So, that’s how my aunts were able to take my mother’s self-worth, while heightening her guilt and anxieties — with religious prayer cards, pamphlets, and painting pictures of the religious devotion and piety… 

         … much like the self-righteous thief in my dream.

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Submit vs. Surrender — The Difference is Intent

I ran into an acquaintance that I haven’t seen for about five years.  I asked how she’s been doing and asked about her three daughters and her mom.  Everyone was doing fine.  The youngest is a senior; the other two were in college — one going abroad, etc.

I, then, complimented her on her short haircut — telling her that I really liked that cut on her.  It looked very care-free and youthful on her.

She ran her hand over her hair, smiled, and nodded as she said, “Thanks!  I got it cut when I separated from my husband.  He wouldn’t let me cut my hair.”

Now, I know that most men like longer hair on women, but her choice of words was interesting. 

She didn’t say, “I kept my hair longer for him, because he liked it longer.”

No, she said, “He wouldn’t let me cut my hair.”


“He wouldn’t let me” gives the impression of submitting to another's control — as if your will is being taken from you.


On the other hand, when you keep your hair long because your partner likes it long, it’s your choice to keep it long.  You’re doing it because you like pleasing your partner.  You’re surrendering your preference to his… but it’s still your choice.  You’re giving to him.  He’s not taking anything away from you.


The result is the same — longer hair — but the intent behind the gesture is completely different.  It's the difference between feeling controlled by someone and caring for someone.

Not surprisingly, she kept smiling when she told me that things are better for her and for the girls — now that her husband and she are separated.  


Yeah.  The freedom behind that short haircut did wonders for her. 


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When Being Right Isn't Nearly Enough

There is no other way to put it.  I hate going to work these days.

Everyone’s stressed because of the resident bully in the office.  He’s free to run havoc in the division, making everyone miserable — but no one has the desire to change things.  He’s been doing it for years and years, so everyone accepts it as “just the way things are.”  Those tired of the treatment simply leave the company.

I go to my supervisor to complain about the situations the bully creates.  She agrees with everything I say.  She keeps telling me that I am right.  I am right that it shouldn’t be this way.  I am right that things should be different — but she tells me that nothing will change.

I take my complaints to my supervisor’s supervisor — the Vice President of the company.  He also tells me that he agrees with me.  He keeps telling me that I am right.  He wishes things can be different, but there’s nothing he can do about the bully.  He has no power to change things.  And with that, he sends me out of his office.

Everywhere I turn, people are telling me that I’m right, but that’s not enough for me — not nearly enough.

Whenever the bully interacts with me, I push back.  At once, he backs down and immediately runs to my supervisor.  He tells her that he will no longer work with me because of my attitude.  He will only deal with her.

Oh, dear!  I’m so deeply wounded by this declaration of his!  Instead of addressing me directly, he will use my supervisor as the go-between, forcing her to deal with the bully, instead of me.  How can I live with such an arrangement?

Actually, this heavenly situation only lasts a couple of weeks at a time, and then he comes after me again.  I push back, and the cycle repeats itself… over and over again.

Because the supervisor doesn’t like dealing with the fallouts of these encounters, I am told that, although I am right, it’s best not to confront the bully head on.  She — and everyone else — makes excuses for the bully, allowing him to continue his reign of terror. 

Because I am not moved to change my position, I am told that it’s best not to rock the boat.  The bully can make things harder for me…

I’m confused.  Exactly how can he make things harder for me?  It’s not he who is allowing this to continue.  He has no authority over me.  He doesn’t evaluate me, doesn’t discipline me, and can’t fire me. 

The only power he holds is the power others give him.  If people would stand up together and say, “Enough is enough!” then the bully would lose his ability to intimidate the office.

But no one is willing to stand up.   Management would rather support the negative environment, allow good employees to be harassed and disrespected, and force good employees to leave their employ… instead of taking positive steps to deal with the issue.

Yeah, everyone’s telling me that I’m right, but that’s not enough — not nearly enough…

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The Backlash

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you would have run into a number of posts stressing the need to accept responsibility for your actions while, at the same time, allowing others to accept the consequences of their own actions. 

Well, a friend of mine is beginning to do that with her 20-something-year-old daughter.  She’s stepping away and taking back her life — allowing her daughter to take ownership of her own life.

This move, on my friend’s part, is very hard for her… and her daughter.

Cassandra, my friend, wants to be a supportive and loving mother.  In fulfilling this need of hers, she has given her daughter all that she has — bailing the daughter out of one mess after another. 

Looking back over her life, she realizes that, while she has given up everything for her daughter, her sacrifices have gone unnoticed.  Now, she finds herself financially strapped and emotionally drained. 

The daughter is in no better shape.  Over the years, the daughter has developed an attitude of “entitlement” that was once only reserved for royalty.  The daughter has been taught to expect her mother to fulfill her every need, without question or appreciation.  The daughter has never had to accept responsibility for her own actions, nor deal with the consequences that result from those actions.  Her mother always stepped in to shield her from herself.  

Both individuals in this story are searching for their own identities.  Both are struggling to stand on their own… crying out to be seen and heard — to be loved for who they are…

Cassandra wants things to change for her daughter and for herself.  For this to happen, she has started to step away from situations — allowing the daughter to step up and take ownership of her own life.

Once Cassandra starts to step away, the backlash begins.  It's a strong wave of reality crashing down on the daughter.  

This is painful for both of them.

The daughter is hit so hard that it throws her off-balance.  In response, she does the only thing she knows to get her footing back.  She blames her mother for her situation.  She gives the mother the icy stares and the cold, silent treatment — shutting the mother out of her life — waiting for the mother to break down and fix things…

Cassandra is struggling with her decision.  Was it the right thing to do?  Was it the right time to do it? 

Oh, if only she could turn back the hands of time and start all over again, but she can’t.  She can only go forward…

Will her daughter ever understand why her mother did this? 

Will Cassandra be strong enough to see this through? 

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Why Do You Lie to Me?

Conversation between Person 1  & Person 2






Why do you always lie to me?    
                                                                                Because YOU lie to me!

I only lie to you because I can’t trust YOU!

What are you saying?!   YOU wouldn’t know the TRUTH if it was standing in front of you!

That’s only because we’ve been lying to each other for so long… and I want it to end.

What are you saying?  You want to end this?

Yes.

So... you want to break up?!

No, I don’t WANT that to happen.  I just want us to end the lying between us.

What are you saying?

I’m saying our life together is built on lies, and I want to stop the lying.

But… what if the lies are all that’s keeping us together?

Then, let’s be truthful about that.

But, I’m afraid of the truth.  I’m afraid of showing you who I really am, what I really think, how I really feel.  I’m afraid of being rejected.  I don’t want to be hurt, so I lie to protect myself. 

 I do the same thing. 


So... what are we saying?

We're saying… let’s stop being afraid.


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If It’s Such Good Advice, Why Not Follow It?

I’m awakened by the piercing ring of my phone.  I roll over, planning to let the answering machine deal with the caller, until I hear my friend’s upset voice being recorded.

I stumble to the phone and manage to pick it up before she slips away in the shadows of my sleepy haze. 

Rachel is unnerved.  She finds herself in the middle of a very volatile and emotional situation.  Before she acts upon her instincts, she wants to pass the plan by me — her logical, objective, and stable friend, who always gives her good advice.

She gives me the background of her situation, describes her dilemma, and outlines her plan of attack.  Once she blurts everything out, she asks what I think of her plan.

I try to calm her down, so she can clearly understand what I’m about to say.  I tell her that, if I were in her situation, I wouldn’t do what she’s planning to do.  I foresee that her current course of action would create more problems than solve them.  Instead, I would do ‘such-and-such’.

She listens, understands the reasoning, and agrees that her plan of action would aggravate the situation.  She thanks me for my advice and hangs up.

Thirty minutes later, the phone rings again.  It’s Rachel… in tears.  She admits that I was right.  She should have followed my advice, but she went with her plan, instead.  Doing it her way did, indeed, make things worse. 

Rachel:  “Now, what do I do?  I’m thinking of going to him and doing ‘this-and-that.’”

Me:  “No, I wouldn’t do ‘this-and-that’ if I were you.  I would do ‘such-and-such’ instead.  Neither of you are in the right emotional state to deal with this rationally at this time.  If you continue on this path of yours, you’ll make it even worse.”

Rachel:  “You’re right, of course.  You’ve given me great advice.  Let me hang up with you and do what you suggest.”

An hour later, the phone rings again.  It’s Rachel… in tears.  She, once again, admits that I was right.  She should have followed my advice, but she went with her plan, instead.  Doing it her way did, indeed, make things much worse. 

Rachel:  “Now, what do I do?  I’m thinking of going back and doing ‘this-and-that.’”

Me:  “No, I wouldn’t do ‘this-and that’ if I were you.  I would disengage at this point.  You need to step back and let things settle down.  Don’t do anything more to agitate the situation.  Neither of you are in the right emotional state to deal with this rationally at this time.  If you continue on this path of yours, you’ll make it even worse.”

Rachel:  “Yes, but I can’t just sit here and do nothing… I can’t let…”

Me:    “I know it’s hard for you, but you’ll going to have to step back and let things settle down.  You’ll have to let things 'just be'... for a while.”

Rachel:  “I see where you’re coming from.  Thanks for the advice.  I’ll let you get some rest.”

Another hour passes, and the phone rings.  It’s Rachel again.  She's set up a meeting with him, tonight.  She's leaving in a few minutes.  She wants to discuss the matter further— even though an hour ago, he was so angry, and she’s very afraid of what he might say or do when they meet…

Me:  “Rachel!  Why are you meeting him?!  I told you to disengage… that means to disconnect.  That means NOT to talk with him, NOT to meet with him, NOT to see him!  Stop all contact with him until things settle down!”

Rachel:  “I know, but I can’t let things sit.  It’s not in my nature.  I can’t just wait things out.  I know you’re right, but it’s too late.  I can’t turn back.”

Me:  “Rachel!  Don’t go!”

Rachel:  “I have to…”

And the phone line goes dead.

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Thank Goodness for My Day Job

My day job is constantly feeding me the motivation necessary to keep my dream alive.

It’s truly a fertile and futile training ground for me. 

It allows me to practice the fine art of waiting — a skill that I’m finding crucial in keeping my sanity while keeping my dream alive. 

• I wait for others to get back to me. 
• I wait for phone calls and emails to be returned. 
• I wait for corrections to be made and processed. 
• I wait for co-workers to get back from vacations and lunch breaks. 
• I wait for answers to my questions. 
• I wait for approvals and authorizations. 
• I wait on clients.
• I wait for the day I can quit. 
• I wait… and wait… and wait.

While I’m doing all this waiting, I’m also learning lots from my co-workers, supervisors, and managers.  

• They’re teaching me to reduce my expectations so to reduce my disappointments.  
•  They’re illustrating the destructive forces ego and insecurities have on team spirit and productivity.
•  They constantly remind me how the "blame game" erodes a person’s integrity and credibility.

All these skills come in handy when trying to become a published author, so I’m grateful to my day job.
 
Yes, thank goodness for my day job.  If it wasn’t for it, I wouldn’t be pursuing my dream so diligently.



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Primary Relationships

In my last post, I mentioned the term “primary relationship” and I’m afraid that I might have confused some people with that term.

All of us juggle a number of relationships in our daily lives:  family, friends, intimate partners, business partners, associates, casual acquaintances, etc.   Each relationship takes our time, energy, and attention.

Although there isn’t a single universally accepted definition, the term “primary relationship” denotes a high level of involvement you have with another.  Simply put:  Where your attention is, your heart will also be.

This high level of involvement could be an intense, emotional attachment and connection to another person… or it could be formed by financial and living arrangements… or it can be sustained by the sharing of child-rearing responsibilities.

This “high level of involvement” doesn’t necessarily have to involve other people nor does this “involvement” have to be a healthy one.  Various addictions fall into this category — where the only thing that matters to the person is the next fix.  Narcissistic personalities can have a primary relationship with themselves above all others.  [And to clarify:  These are NOT the types of healthy primary relationships I was referring to in the last post.]

For now, let’s focus on couples in primary relationships… 

This high level of involvement between you and your partner places that partner on “top of your relationship list.”  This primary relationship is the relationship that takes precedence over all others.  When that person needs something, you put everyone else “on hold” and take care of that person’s need. 

Now, this works great if both partners are primary partners for each other.  Each knows that the other will be there for the other… above all others.  Their expectations are met by the other.

The problem comes in when we believe we’re in a primary relationship with another, but that other person doesn’t give us that primary status.  We’re not on the top of the relationship list, but mixed somewhere in the middle or bottom.  Because of this, our expectations are not being met.

Let me give you some examples:

Scene 1:

Two people start to date.  After several months, both pledge their love to the other.  For the woman, she begins to build her expectations for the relationship.  She expects to be placed on the top of his relationship list — above his mother, father, sisters, male friends, sports events, computer games, etc. 

For the man, he sees himself picking up a new and developing relationship that he fits into his already full schedule.  This new relationship is not treated as a primary relationship, but as one of many that he deals with throughout his day. 

As the relationship evolves, the woman presses for more of his attention, and the more she presses the more he pulls away.  Her persistent requests for his time and attention are viewed as nagging, clinging, and needy.  Stress and frustrations develop between the two because expectations aren’t being met. 

Scene 2:

Another man and woman are primary partners for each other.  A newborn enters the picture.  During the baby’s early months/years, the mother’s attention shifts from her partner to their baby.  After taking care of the baby all day and night, the mother has no energy to give to her partner.  Her partner begins to feel unseen and rejected.  His needs are not being met as they once were.

Scene 3:

The husband works long hours, takes calls in the middle of the night, and is off on long business trips.  His primary relationship has shifted to his company and his successful career — and away from his wife.  As for the wife, she still needs to be in a primary relationship… if not with her husband, then with someone else.

The expectations built into a primary relationship play a key role in each of these scenarios.  As each partner fulfills the other’s needs, things run smoothly — but once expectations become unfulfilled, frustration begins to seep into the cracks of the relationship.  If left unattended, other feelings may move in as well… feelings like hurt, blame, anger, rejection, jealousy, distrust, betrayal, etc. 

Anyway…that’s what I meant by primary relationships.  Simply put:  Where your attention is, your heart will also be.

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Team Spirit

I just received an agitated call from a friend.  She was upset because she was just told by her boss that she was not a team player. 

She had a departmental meeting earlier today.  During the meeting, she made the mistake of bringing up her frustrations regarding inefficiencies in the way they did things.  She outlined several processes that were adding costs to their production without adding any value to their customers.  She asked why couldn’t they eliminate those activities and save the company money.  Their limited resources and employees could be directed toward products that were generating income for the company.

Her manager was greatly moved by such suggestions — moved to the point of being insulted and angry with her.  He felt that she was threatening him and giving him ultimatums…

That’s when he said that he was very disappointed in the fact that she was not a team player.

She tried to explain that if he could show sales figures or analysis or customer surveys that supported the current process, she wouldn’t be so frustrated with being asked to support the process.

He had neither the need nor time to find out which products are making a profit for their division and which are not.  Even if she was right about the ineffective and inefficient processes, it didn’t matter.  It didn’t matter if their division loses money.  As long as the company (as a whole) makes money, he’ll get his increases. 

She was told not to concern herself with such things.  Just do what she is told — no questions asked.   

And start being a team player or find another place of employment.

The ironic part of this story is that it’s the manager, and not my friend, who lacks the team spirit.

The saddest part of this story is that this “management style” permeates through corporate America like freshly popped popcorn.  Intelligent, competent employees are not seen as valued assets — but replaceable, bothersome pieces. 

A word to the wise:  We all have the desire to be seen, to be heard, and to be appreciated — but, rarely, do we get these needs fulfilled on the job site.  Make sure you develop a support group outside the workplace to fill these needs for you.

The workplace is simply that — the workplace.  It’s not your home.

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We'll Need More than 2 Minutes to Solve This Problem

I’ve been working on adding audio videos to our YouTube channel and have moved into recording more pieces from the teen book, Ready or Not—Life’s Coming at Ya.

I posted the first story from the Bullying section of the book (Part 3).  Of course, when I posted and reviewed it, YouTube pulls a list of other videos that deal with the subject of bullying.

Listed on the side were videos from sessions in Congress, discussing the issue.  There were sessions from various school boards discussing the issue.  There were videos on the Children’s Forum Debate.  There were various videos showing gameplays for bully online games.  

In the list of all of these, there was one video that was titled “How To Deal with Bullies”.  The video took less than 1 ½ minutes to view.  The video stated that the answer to dealing with bullies is to simply avoid the bully.

Just walk the other way, stay out of his way, or take a different route…

GOSH!  Let’s give ourselves a collective slap on our foreheads!  Why didn’t we think of that?!

If it was that easy, why has bullying become such an epidemic?  Why are kids committing suicide over it?

GOSH!  If it’s that easy, then what’s the problem?

The problem is that it’s NOT that easy.  Bullies exist everywhere.  We go to school with them; we work with them; some of us live with them and even worse, are forced to sleep with them. 

No.  It’s hard for me to openly admit this, but a bully has qualities that we, as a society, admire and reward.  The bully personifies the “survival-of-the-fittest” mentality that permeates our human psyche.

 

Notice how most people you meet have this drive to compete against you, to gain control, to gain the upper hand, to dominate a situation, to get the last word in a conversation, to win an argument, to possess another person, to fight for that competitive advantage, etc.  Our culture thrives on this facet of our human-ness.  There is this internal hunger in us to assert ourselves over everything and everyone around us.  It is in this way that we carry a bit of the bully in each one of us. 

It’s this internal bully that scares me the most — and the fact that, as a society, we praise and reward the survival-of-the-fittest attitude over the virtues we pledge our allegiances to… truth, integrity, fairness, justice, kindness, generosity, apple pie, and the American Way…

Ironically, in preserving the human race in this manner — through the survival-of-the-fittest (a/k/a bullying) method — we lose what makes us human.  The very trait that has preserved our species has destroyed our humanity.  This survival-of-the-fittest theme prevents, if not totally destroys, the emotional survival of humanity.  It hinders the possibility of experiencing and cultivating quality relationships with friends and couples and within families and social groups.  It stands in the way of the most fundamental and vital element of a relationship.  It stands in the way of trust. 

I want this to change in our society. 

I want civility to come back into our civilization.

I want our human-ness to survive in humanity.  

These are the desires that feed my need to publish our books and create the audio videos.  This is what feeds my craving to get these bullying segments up.

I know what I want to share with others will take longer than 1 ½ minutes, but, if I can prevent someone from becoming another victim of bullying, it’ll be well worth the time.

Yeah.  We’ll need more than 2 minutes to solve this problem.

P.S. I was so "motivated" by this post that we've posted a number of YouTube audio clips/videos dealing with the bullying subject -- http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=2AspiringAuthors&aq=f. 

Please check them out and give us feedback.  Thanks.