Taking a Deep Breath and Jumping In…

Katherine brought up the need to get a website up and running for us…. again.

I know I’m not ready for this next step.

She has a friend who she thinks is the optimal person to help us with our website stuff.

I was upfront with Katherine and told her that I was skittish about starting up a website project — especially, when we still haven’t put the finishing touches on the book cover, yet.

She understood my hesitancy, but she felt that this guy really knew his stuff… not just how to set a website up, but how to promote and protect its integrity—and in turn, promote and protect our integrity.

She explained that her friend is aware of the really important things that go beyond the setup and content of a website — although setup and content are important, too. 

He knows how to get people to come to our website and stay there rather than wander off to other websites.

He also knows how to generate trust with the people who visit our website.

I listened to her, and thought… if we stay focused on integrity and trust, we can’t go wrong…

So, yes… we’re starting off on another adventure. 

Where we’ll end up, I haven’t a clue…

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Transitions

It’s getting harder and harder to keep my insecurities at bay these days. 

No… this has nothing to do with my dream of becoming a published author.

This has to do with Mom.  As I walk down the hall that leads to Mom’s hospital room, I’m afraid of how this story will end.

No…  That’s a lie.  I’m not wrestling with a fear…. but with a natural law.

I know how this will end.   

It’ll end the way each of our journey ends.

Relating Over the Internet

I found myself in an awkward situation the other day.  I met a young man over the Internet, and we were conversing through email for 2 days. 

On the first day, he asked if I wanted a picture of his penis.  

Ummm... No, thank you. 

So, on the second day, he attached four pictures of his penis and asked what I thought.

Among other things, I thought that he placed himself in a very vulnerable position… in more ways than one… 

Ignoring the fact that he wasn’t respecting my wishes and wasn’t taking my feelings into consideration, he just sent a stranger compromising pictures of himself that could easily be used against him.  He has no idea what I would do with them.  Such private photos can have negative future effects for him in the hands of an unscrupulous or vindictive person. 

I also thought this young man was being rude, immature, insensitive, and thoughtless.  He opened both of us up to an embarrassing and hurtful situation.  No matter how I respond to this, feelings will be hurt. 

Since I had no idea how to respond to these unsolicited photos, I simply ignored them.  I hoped that this snapshot in time would soon evaporate into a distant memory and quietly dissolve into some invisible Internet cloud to float far, far away from me.

But that Internet cloud came back as a thunderstorm.

This “gentleman” told me how hurt he was.  He trusted me enough to send very private pictures of himself, and I ignored such a gift. 

I told him that I understood his feelings, and I apologized for not responding in the manner that he wanted.  Hurting his feelings was not my intent.  I felt like I was put in a lose/lose situation.  I just knew that whatever I would’ve said would’ve been wrong.  I just didn't know what he wanted from me.

His response to that was that I have low self-esteem and that I need therapy — professional help.  I'm obviously compensating for something missing in my life and am hiding that fact from myself — so that I don't have to deal with it.  He went on to tell me that he’s been with a couple of women and they never complained…

And that’s pretty much the direction the rest of his response took…

I realize this person is only 26 and has a lot to learn, but I am concerned for him, because I fear that he will be hurt more and more if he follows his current path.  There are consequences to one’s actions.  No matter how much you want to fault others — sooner or later — the consequences of your actions will catch up to you. 

Trust is built over a longer period of time than 2 days.  Using the word “trust” in describing a person you’ve only known from 3 or 4 emails will bring betrayal and hurt with it — and indiscriminately sending compromising pictures to strangers will damage your reputation and credibility.

This person may act differently with those he meets face to face, but I would think that the same consideration, precautions, and respect should be given to anyone you meet — no matter where you meet them. 

Am I wrong?

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It’s Not Just Business

     

Do you remember when I reached out to a handful of local therapists last year — asking if they would have the time to give me some feedback on our “teen” book? 

Recently, I touched base with one of them and gave her an update on everything that was going on with us.  She was very excited about our progress and wanted to set up a meeting with us and her boss — to brainstorm on how their practice could help promote our books and give us feedback and test our stuff. 

I passed all of this news to Katherine.  It turned out that Katherine knew of this therapist through a mutual friend and was excited over the idea of collaborating with the group.

So, we set a time to meet with the therapist and her boss — thinking a brainstorming session of 4 would be beneficial.

Boy!  Were we surprised when we were ushered into their conference room and came face-to-face with about 10-12 people, sitting around a table, eating their lunch. 

Once they made room for us around the table and introduced themselves to us, they started interviewing us — with questions dealing from number of years we’ve been doing this, how much our type of work was worth, what our fee structure was for sessions and workshops, what education and certifications we had, what documentation and billing systems we had for workshops and presentations… and the questions went on and on…

Imagine how we felt when we’re expecting a 4-person interactive brainstorming session, and instead, we walk into a 12-person tag-team group interview!!

By the end of the interview, the group proposed that they promote a relationship workshop based on the book, for a maximum of 20 people (to be held in their conference room) — charging a fixed price per person and splitting the revenue.  They also wanted bios and pictures to post on their website, along with a date for the workshop.  They wanted to write up a contract for the workshop, with their fee breakdown for the use of their space and their promotional efforts.  After all, they are in the business to make money — as they reminded us. 

They were also very interested in working with Katherine regarding her solo business — which is separate from our joint writing ventures. 

As you can imagine, we left their office feeling a little dizzy and juggling mixed feelings.

The meeting was enlightening, to say the least.  It did make us think about things we hadn’t thought about before.  The business-like approach this therapist group took with us solidified our own desire to focus on the personal side of connecting with others — especially in the way we approach our work and how we partner with others.

For us, it’s not just business…

It’s all about… well, what it’s always been about… relationships.

I don’t understand why, but most people separate their business persona from their personal one.  They’ll conduct themselves differently at work than at home.  You hear it all the time:  “It’s not personal; it’s business,” — as if there’s a separation between the two… as if there are different rules to follow… as if we’re not relating with each other in both settings.

No… we shouldn’t separate the two.  All of us are in the business of relating — or at least we should be.  That’s the only way to do business. 

So, I’m not quite sure how the relationship with this therapist group will develop and grow.  Since presentations and workshops are Katherine’s domain, I’ll let her take the lead on this.  If she wants to pursue this avenue for our joint venture, I’m with her.  If she doesn’t want to do it, I’m with her.  If she just wants to deal with this group for her solo business, I’m with her.  If she wants do the relationship workshop to open an access to other network opportunities, I’m with her.  Whatever she wants to do, I’m with her.  

No.  For us, it’s not just business; it’s about relationships.

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When I Calm Down…?

I’m so glad you’re out there for me, because I had one of those days… again. 

Well… the day was actually really good.  It was the $#%@ visit to the “car shop.”  I don’t know what it is about car shops and me, but we just don’t mix…

Anyway, I took the day off from work, because I… needed… a day off from work…

I was driving around town, getting things done and crossing them off my things-to-do list.  

On the road to someplace else, I saw the sign for an oil change, tire rotation, and lube for $14.99.  Of course, there was another place advertizing $15.99 oil change right next door…

Cool!  The car needed an oil change, and I could do $14.99.  Although this wasn’t on my list for today, I thought I could fit it in, so I turned the car around and drove back to the $14.99 place.

Before I could get out of the car and close the car door, three mechanics surrounded me, took my keys out of my hands, and asked what they could do for me. 

I told them all I wanted was a $14.99 oil change and asked how long it would take.  They said that I was their only customer, so it’ll be fast.

Cool! 

One guy, Todd, brought me into the office to start the paperwork.  I told him I just wanted the $14.99 oil change.

Todd:    We can upgrade for $20.00…


Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the $14.99 oil change.


Todd:    But the premium oil change will…


Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the advertized $14.99 oil change.


Todd:    Ok.

The guy that had taken my car keys — and who had my car up in the air by now — came in and said he knew I’m here for the $14.99 oil change but for $20.00 more….

Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the $14.99 oil change.


Guy:    But the premium oil change will…


Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the $14.99 oil change.


Guy:    But the premium oil change will…


Me:    Just the $14.99… $14.99… $14.99… $14.99 oil change, please.

So, he went back out and 15 minutes later, Todd took me out to my car. 

The guys must have really been bored, because pieces of my car were all over the place…

Todd quoted me $354.78 to put the car back together with all the things they were recommending… including replacing a new air filter that had been changed recently.

I was getting irritated at this point, because I came in for a $14.99 oil change—and, now, my car parts were surrounding me, while five guys were trying to tell me the bill was no longer $14.99, but $354.78 

Me:    I’m really irritated right now, because I came in for a $14.99 oil change and somehow you’re writing me bill for $354.78.  I’m really irritated. 

Then the guys started to gang up on me, explaining that my car has 100,000 miles and it’ll need fluid changes and….blah…blah… blah…  [at least, that’s what I started to hear].  When I mentioned that I had life-time service with another mechanic shop regarding the stuff they were quoting, they got aggressive and started pointing out things the “other place” did wrong.

Me:    I’m really irritated with you guys right now.  I’m not going to stand here and play the “finger-pointing” game with you, either.  I just want the $14.99 oil change and my car put back together the way it was when I first came in — with no added or missing parts, please.

Todd:    But we have your car all apart.  You’re already here.  It’ll really be easy to do all of this stuff.

Me:    You don’t understand.  I’m really irritated; and the more you push the more irritated I’ll become.  As I get more and more irritated with you, my barriers will go up.  The more you talk and push… the more I will keep saying, “No” because I’m closing myself off from you.  It doesn’t matter whether you’re right and I’m wrong.  I will say “No” to whatever you say from this point.

Todd:    But we can…

Me:    I understand you need to make money for your shop, but this isn’t how to do it.  What I’m telling you is that I’m very irritated — and no matter what you say from this point on, I’ll say, “No” to it, so you should stop now.  You’ll going to have to learn to stop once the customer is irritated, because pushing will get you nowhere. 

He stopped at that point; the other guys pulled back as well.  My car was put back together, my bill was readjusted to $14.99 plus tax, and my keys were returned to me.

And Todd’s departing words to me were:  I’m leaving you our card, so when you calm down, you can call us and make an appointed for us to finish up the other work for you.

All I could think about was how clear it was to me that I wasn't being heard, seen, or understood...

So, yeah…when I calm down…I’ll be looking for (yet) another mechanic shop…

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The Business of Relating

A couple of weeks ago, I had an interesting encounter with a cousin of mine.  He wanted my opinion before contacting his lawyer.

He had retained this lawyer to help him with a personal matter, and now that the situation has been resolved — and satisfactorily, he admits — he wanted to close his account with the lawyer.  To facilitate that, he emailed the lawyer a request for an accounting of his charges and a return of the portion of the retainer that still remained in his account.

The lawyer did as he was asked and sent an accounting of the charges — showing a remaining balance of $500 — but, as he told my cousin before, the retainer was nonrefundable.

This was what had gotten my accountant cousin so upset.  He felt that he should be able to get the unused portion back.  The lawyer had taken advantage of him by taking something that did not belong to him — something that he had not earned.   

To make his point, he drafted an email and wanted me to review it before sending it.

 

In the email, he shared his frustration.  He went as far as to write that he felt betrayed by this professional who was supposed to be a trusted advocate and advisor.  He proceeded to tell the lawyer everything that was wrong with the accounting practices within his firm… and if he wanted other clients to feel just as betrayed as he did, then continue on his current path.

As I finished reading, my cousin added that he's so upset that he's prepared to go on the Internet, share his complaint through various social networks, and  lead a negative campaign to stop this small law practice from stealing money from other unsuspecting and trusting souls. 

Yes, he’s ready to destroy this man’s practice over $500 — because it’s the principle of the thing.

I listened… and listened… and listened.  When he was done, I asked a question.

From what he told me, the lawyer is competent, easy to talk to, and genuine.  He prevented my cousin from having to go to court and saved untold court costs and other legal fees in the process.  The only issue he seems to have is his wanting to close the account before the remaining $500 is used up. 

If that’s the issue, is there another legal matter that this firm could help him with, thereby using up the $500 instead of forfeiting the retainer?

The main question is:  If the lawyer did a good job for him, does he really want to sever that relationship? 

If he sends the email as drafted, he would, most certainly, sever the relationship and would not be able to turn to that lawyer again.  Is that what he really wants to do?

He stopped for a long moment.  In that moment, I saw him switch from an angry accountant who focused on the calculated figures to a person who valued relationships over dollars. 

Because he didn’t want to sever the relationship, he decided to take the weekend to calm down before doing anything more. 

****  

Weeks later, I asked my cousin if things worked out with the lawyer situation.

Yes, it did.   He did some research and that it was customary for lawyers to have nonrefundable retainers.  He also realized that he was really angry with himself for not keeping “on top” of the accounting issue in the first place.  It was just easier to blame the lawyer instead.

In the meantime, the lawyer had called him and told him that the account would remain opened; and the remaining balance would be available for my cousin whenever he needed legal help.

So, yes, things worked out; and it always will, when one places relationships ahead of everything.

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Graphics Update

The other day, we met with the graphic artist at my house.  The meeting went well… I think. 

We’re all on the same page, again… I think. 

When it became clear that my words weren’t doing the job in explaining my vision for the cover, I attempted to sketch out what I was seeing in my mind’s eye.   

The penciled sketch was able to give a tangible image to the message we wanted, and Katherine shared this rough sketch with the graphic artist.  

To his credit, he didn’t laugh or scoff at it.   He actually said it was quite helpful, and what we wanted was “doable.”   

The graphic artist even asked if he could take a copy of the sketch with him. 

Without missing a beat, Katherine asked for a copy (signed and dated) for herself, so she could put it up at her home…

I’m now imagining my sketch tacked on her refrigerator — where, of course, all great artwork is displayed. 

It’ll sit amidst a number of colorful Picasso-like pictures her 7-year-old son has done for her — and with them sitting side-by-side, it’ll be hard to tell who drew which…

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Abandonment of Wonderment

Have you ever walked into a room and been immediately drawn to a person?  I’m not just talking about being physically attracted to another person, but attracted to the person’s energy, ease of laughter, attentiveness, genuineness, caring, intelligence, etc.

I was drawn to such a person the other day.  His energy, enthusiasm, passion, openness, genuineness — all of him — filled me up. 

Although I didn’t have a chance to talk with him because he was working, he affected me, intimately, in the way he approached his “duties.”  

I’ve watched and listened to hundreds of men before him — all going through the same routines and rituals that he was performing — but those others didn’t have the same intensity as this fellow did.

He approached each activity with such focused attention… such conviction… such wonderment and awe. 

He reminded me of the innocence that tickles children’s cheeks as they wake up on Christmas morning — and the abandonment in which they rush to the Christmas tree, gasp at all the gifts, and realize — with no doubt in their hearts or minds — that they are loved, they are special, and they are never alone.  Santa does exist. 

That was the vision that this man conjured up.  It was breathtaking and over all too soon.  I wished I could have stayed with him longer and drink in his energy… but alas, I couldn’t.

Besides, he’s forbidden fruit. He’s a newly ordained priest — ordained a handful of years ago — who is currently stationed at a local church I visited the other day. 

Still, this constraint doesn’t prevent me from admiring his essence and the way he approaches life.   It’s a good reminder, too.

Most of the time, we’re weighed down by the stark reality of our day-to-day routines and obligations — so much so that we begin to feel like an old tube of toothpaste.  Our energy is squeezed out of us — used, abused, spit out, and splattered all over the bathroom sink…

It’s during these times that we need to brush off the caked-on paste, put ourselves to bed, and wake up like a child on Christmas morning… filled with limitless energy, wonderment, and awe over the enchanted life we hold within us…

And if we’ve forgotten how, there are people around us who will show us…

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She’s a Sly One, She is!

I’m still going over it in my head.  I’m not really sure exactly how she managed it…

We were sitting at Applebee’s, discussing the book.  I was telling her that I wasn’t prepared to wait another two months to get this new section — that she wanted— added into the book.

She agreed, but she didn’t have any free time for another couple of weeks, unless…

Katherine:  “Unless you come to the women’s retreat this weekend with me.  Then we can work on the section during the lunch break on Saturday… and again at the dinner break…”


Me:    “but…”


Katherine:  “OH!!! and if we can get a group of women to go through the book with us, and get their feedback and…  OH!! This would be wonderful.  Just think of it!!! I’m so excited about this idea!!!  I’ll bring the laptop and, this time, I’ll remember the manuscript with my notes…and…”

She went on and on… so excited that she was jumping up and down in her chair with every new thought she uttered. 

I met her excitement with growing dread.  I sat there shaking my head and pressing my lips closed tightly.  

She’s been inviting me to these weekend gatherings for a month now, and I haven’t had a weekend free to attend any of them. 

Truthfully, I’m not much into large gatherings, retreats, etc.  They aren’t in my comfort zone.  I enjoy small, intimate gatherings with one or two people. 

Katherine knows that about me, and feels that interacting with larger groups would be good for me.  It will get me out of my comfort zone and expand my experiences.

I know she’s right, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m uncomfortable with the thought of it.

It’s like telling me that I should eat more broccoli and spinach because they're good for my health.  Intellectually, I know that to be true, but it doesn’t stop me from going for the chocolate cake, instead.

So, the more she chats about the weekend, the more I dread my fate... because I know — in the end — I will surrender. 

Me:    “Katherine, you know what you’re doing?  Suggesting that we work on the book at the retreat is like dangling a carrot — no, dangling a piece of chocolate cake — in front of me.  You’re using the one thing that I can’t say “no” to…”


Katherine:  “I’m only doing it to you because I think it really will be good for you.  You’ll gain something from the retreat that you never knew you were missing.  Trust me…"


Me:    “And I’ll have my car, so I can leave anytime I want, if it becomes too much for me…”


Katherine:  “Yes, you will have your car and will be free to leave anytime you want… but you’ll enjoy the retreat… you’ll see!  It starts on Friday 3:00 and if you can get the day off, then we can…”

I sat there, just shaking my head…

Yes.  She’s a sly one, she is!

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Why Do You Lie to Me?

Conversation between Person 1  & Person 2






Why do you always lie to me?    
                                                                                Because YOU lie to me!

I only lie to you because I can’t trust YOU!

What are you saying?!   YOU wouldn’t know the TRUTH if it was standing in front of you!

That’s only because we’ve been lying to each other for so long… and I want it to end.

What are you saying?  You want to end this?

Yes.

So... you want to break up?!

No, I don’t WANT that to happen.  I just want us to end the lying between us.

What are you saying?

I’m saying our life together is built on lies, and I want to stop the lying.

But… what if the lies are all that’s keeping us together?

Then, let’s be truthful about that.

But, I’m afraid of the truth.  I’m afraid of showing you who I really am, what I really think, how I really feel.  I’m afraid of being rejected.  I don’t want to be hurt, so I lie to protect myself. 

 I do the same thing. 


So... what are we saying?

We're saying… let’s stop being afraid.


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Different Strokes for Different Folks

I picked up another book on relationships, titled "Dear Lover:  A woman’s guide to men, sex, and love’s deepest bliss."  This is a very intimate book by David Deida.  I hesitate to recommend it because you’d need to be at a certain level to appreciate his perspective.  You’d have to be open to surrendering yourself to his energy and trust he’ll take you where you yearn to be…

Katherine suggested the book, and since I trust her judgment — and since she DID use the words “must read it” — I picked up a copy from Amazon.

While I was there, I checked out the reviews on this and on his other books.  Most were positive, but there was one that was… well, here’s just a portion of it:

“It's difficult to write what I feel about this book.  I read as much of it as I could stomach and then threw it into the trash in the hope no one would ever find it.  This man, the author, is either terminally misled or has an ego the size of the universe.  He knows how women feel?  Excuse me?  When was he a woman?  I pity the poor woman who reads this and accepts it hook, line, and sinker.  He is so off base as to be laughable, if I didn't worry that some women would actually take him seriously.”

So, just from the few reviews I scanned, I’m sure that the book will hit a core with most people.  Whether, it resonates with you in a positive or negative way, I can’t guess — but I’m enjoying the book.

I actually started reading it while waiting in a car repair shop — and yes, I’m still dealing with the same car issue, but this time I’ve gone to a DIFFERENT repair shop.  Wish me good luck with this go-around…

Anyway… back to the book.  It was interesting reading such an intimate book in this masculine-filled setting. 

Picture this:  It’s 7:00 in the morning.  The sun has barely broken through the morning’s fog.  I walk into the repair shop, carrying with me a book titled Dear Lover.   The manager checks me in, I surrender my keys and car to him, and I sit down to wait… and wait… and wait.

I open Deida’s book and scanned through the Forward and Introduction.  Normally, I wouldn’t have even read those sections, but since Katherine had suggested the book, I thought I had better read those pages, too…

It wasn’t until I got to the first chapter that I started feeling the intimate power of the book — and the fact that I was sitting in the environment surrounded by men was a bit unnerving…

Because of the activity around me, I couldn’t just let Deida’s words pour over me.  Instead, I kept flowing back and forth between David’s spiritual place he was taking me to and this physical place I was tied to — this waiting room filled with strangers’ voices and sounds of banging of metal, clicking of computer keys, and jangling of car keys…

What was really interesting was, as I drifted in and out of these two worlds, I carried a bit if each to the other, and the men in the room responded.  The two guys behind the counter couldn’t have been more attentive to me, if they had tired! 

The guy in the waiting room started up a conversation with me.  It started with our concerns about our respective car problems and transformed into a discussion about appreciation for integrity and trust.  He shared his hopes and dreams for his two teenagers…

Before we knew it, his car was fixed and mine… well, wasn’t.  My car needed a part that needed to be ordered, but instead of having me wait 5 hours for the part to show up (like the other place did), one of the mechanics offered to drive me home.  They also made sure I had a way back…

As I waited for my ride, the “waiting-room gentleman” was waiting for his car to come out of the garage.  We stood in the parking lot together, wrapping up our previous conservation, preparing for our goodbyes.

It sounds weird, but I was sad to leave.  It felt like I was saying goodbye to a friend — one who I will not be seeing again… 

In that brief time together, we never exchanged names… just our “selves.”

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Wait

Well, I’m back to playing the waiting game — waiting for feedback from those who agreed to review the children’s book, endlessly waiting for a publisher  to come through for us, and waiting for Katherine to have time to meet with me regarding our next move.

I have to admit, I am not a patient person.  I have this insatiable need to constantly be doing something to keep this dream going.  We call it “throwing spaghetti against the wall” — just hoping something sticks for us.

And yes, I know that things will happen… all in due time.  It’s just that… well, I am not a patient person.




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Hope’s Working Overtime

It’s hard not to daydream about this, but I can't help it.  It's constantly on my mind.

I’m trying my best not to get excited, because it hurts when I'm forced to wake up from the dream, but...

Another publisher found our proposal and sample passages intriguing, and would be interested in reviewing the full manuscript.

I can’t get over the word she used... “intriguing.”  

As silly as it sounds, that one word holds so much promise for me. 

Yes, Hope’s working overtime.

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Giving It Another Try…and Another… and Another

.

Well, since we’re revamping the relationship book again, Katherine wants to try reaching out to literary agents (again) to see if they can knock on the mega-publishers’ doors for us.

Early responses back from those inquiries are not helpful.  Many won't take new authors, only established authors recommended by other established authors.  Others only accept "full-length" books.

I asked the agent exactly what her definition of "full-length" books was...  since, in my mind, a book is as long as it needs to be to get your story told — no longer or shorter than that.   If it's shorter than that, then  it's not complete; if it's longer than that, then you're wasting your readers' valuable time with redundancy and unwanted rhetoric.

So, I’m back on the computer doing what I hate, Hate, HATE doing!!

And what’s my reward for doing it?  I’m positioned and posed for more and more “encouraging letters of hope” to fill my inbox.

Yeah, I hate, Hate, HATE this part!

But, I keep telling myself that at least this exercise — no matter what the outcome — will, ultimately, lead us in the right direction. 

[P.S. The literary agent did explain that there is a higher price break for books of 55,000 words or more, and she is only interested in pursuing higher page-count books.]

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What I’ve Learned From My Friends

I’m fascinated and intrigued by relationships—all different types and in every stage.  

For example, I have three friends.  Each is involved in a relationship.

One friend is very happy in her new relationship.  She enjoys every moment she’s able to look into her lover’s eyes and be in his arms.  They take one day at a time and let each day flow into the next.  They spend their time together, discovering what makes the other happy and fulfills each other’s needs and wants.  Issues are ironed out with a caring hand and a caressing kiss.  There’s a delightful acceptance of each other’s differences that has been built into their relationship.

I have another friend who is about to get married.  She is busy strategically planning her life for the next 3-5 years — from wedding day, to a home purchase, to the birth of their first child, second child, and so on.  She has a rigorous and ambitious schedule laid out for the two of them.  The fiancé, on the other hand, has his own (and different) plans in mind.  Because they are dealing with so many life-changing and stressful issues, each disagreement challenges the relationship’s stability.

My third friend finds herself in a dead relationship with her ex-husband.  For financial and functional reasons, they maintain a house together, but it’s not a home.  They do not share things with each other.  They no longer talk to each other, and if they do exchange words, it is in a destructive manner.  They treat each other as roommates — hostile ones, at that. 

I listen to my three friends, as they share their lives with me.  Each person has a different personality and, therefore, addresses issues in different ways.  Each is in a different stage of her relationship.  One is at the very beginning, enjoying each day as it comes.  The second is looking past today and focusing on the future.  She’s making her plans based on the promise of marriage.  The third one is dealing with the broken promises that have cemented her to her marriage...

I sit here, thinking how much we can learn from each of them: 

• To enjoy the moments we have with each other, while planning for the days to come
• To embrace the desire to please each other
• To be accepting of the strengths and weaknesses of each person
• To always be open and available to listen and communicate with each other
• To constantly learn from one another
• To never lose respect for each other... nor for the partnership that is embedded in a healthy relationship
• To acknowledge and accept when a healthy relationship no longer exists

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A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Well, we did it.  We wrote up our pitch to the TODAY show and Marlo Thomas.  I would have sent it out last week, but Katherine wanted to attach pictures of us with the submission.  She said they would help with the marketing of us.

Ummm…. Maybe a picture of her would, but not of me…  I don’t like my picture taken.  It feels and looks like I’m standing in front of a firing squad.  I don’t even own a camera; I run from them; I’ll volunteer to take everyone’s picture, just so I’m not in it.  If I’m forced to be in a picture, I position myself just outside the lens’ reach; or I’m the one in the back, behind everyone else.  On a windy day, you may see a strand of my hair sticking out from behind someone else, if you’re lucky.

So, I’m totally against this idea, which doesn’t stop Katherine.  Whenever I say, “No,” by the time the “No” reaches Katherine’s ear… somehow… in her head… a challenge is born.  She doesn’t stop until she gets me to change my mind…  She’s very persuasive.

What once was a two-letter, one-word sentence, “No”— after Katherine gets through with me — turns into a string of …

No… No… but… but… I don’t like… I don’t want to… maybe… but… well, if you think it’s best… fine… fine… let’s just get this thing over with…

Once she convinced me that we needed the pictures, we had to find time where we’re in the same place together to take these blasted shots.  

The first couple of pictures she took of me were in front of one of those short palm trees, in a parking lot.  Those were not attractive shots.  Standing in front of the tree had me looking like a peacock, with a palm limb or two poking up my butt. 

After that fiasco, we decided to stick with having the two of us in the picture together.  At least I wouldn’t feel and look so… uncomfortable…

So, I met Katherine at her house after work one day, and she took some “action” shots with her computer and webcam.  We just sat around her kitchen table, laughing and talking, and she captured some of that.

I’m happy with the shot we took together, because it captured our friendship and personalities in the picture…

Katherine wanted to add individual shots.  I encouraged her to send shots of herself, but leave me out of them…

Luckily, we ran out of time before she could change my mind…again.

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We’re Still Encouraged!

Well, part of me is a bit — no, a lot — bummed out.

We received another encouraging letter of hope today.

But you know what?  In reading it, and working with this acquisitions editor, I really get the feeling that she is as disappointed with her company’s decision as we are.  NO, REALLY!

I'm not pulling your leg on this, and it's not my "Pollyanna" outlook on things.  I could tell that she really loved the book, and she put a lot of energy into pitching it to her publisher for us.  To sway things to our favor, she did market research and everything.

Unfortunately, all her diligence did us in.  As our acquisitions editor says, “It seems that people are mostly buying friendship books that focus on repairing damaged friendships or dealing with toxic friends.”

The problem is that people aren’t buying books like ours — positive books on friendship and relationships.  They aren’t looking at how to create long and lasting relationships from the start; only how to repair friendships after they’ve screwed it up so badly that there’s no hope in salvaging anything from it. People don't realize that, once trust and respect is gone, the relationship is dead.

Why aren’t people interested in developing healthy relationships from the start?  Why do people wait until it’s too late?  Then, after it’s too late, they look around and wonder, “What the hell happened?”

It’s all very sad… sad for us all…

Anyway, with the paying public against us, the acquisition editor couldn’t change her publisher’s mind. She truly wishes us the best in finding a home for our work.

We do understand.  When we started on this journey, we knew it was going to be an uphill battle.  What we are selling is not easy to sell.  Trust, caring, kindness, empathy, communication, appreciation, affirmation, ethics, generosity, attention, respect — all the things that support positive relationships — aren’t money makers in this world of ours. 

But, we refuse to give up.  I trust that one day, things will change; and I hope our books will become part of this change, if not the catalyst to change.  [And yes, I admit... that's the Pollyanna in me.]  

Anyway, on a brighter note:  I left the door open with this publisher, hoping that we can send the acquisitions editor our other books for her review. 

She said that she would be happy to look over whatever we send to her.  Hopefully, our next book will meet her company’s marketing criteria.

I’m grabbing on to that promise with both hands.

One more thing I do know — with all my heart — is that the acquisitions editor did enjoy reading our book.

Well, one more person has read our material.  Only 7,100,557,000 to go to reach the rest of the world.

We've got a lot of work ahead of us!

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We'll Need More than 2 Minutes to Solve This Problem

I’ve been working on adding audio videos to our YouTube channel and have moved into recording more pieces from the teen book, Ready or Not—Life’s Coming at Ya.

I posted the first story from the Bullying section of the book (Part 3).  Of course, when I posted and reviewed it, YouTube pulls a list of other videos that deal with the subject of bullying.

Listed on the side were videos from sessions in Congress, discussing the issue.  There were sessions from various school boards discussing the issue.  There were videos on the Children’s Forum Debate.  There were various videos showing gameplays for bully online games.  

In the list of all of these, there was one video that was titled “How To Deal with Bullies”.  The video took less than 1 ½ minutes to view.  The video stated that the answer to dealing with bullies is to simply avoid the bully.

Just walk the other way, stay out of his way, or take a different route…

GOSH!  Let’s give ourselves a collective slap on our foreheads!  Why didn’t we think of that?!

If it was that easy, why has bullying become such an epidemic?  Why are kids committing suicide over it?

GOSH!  If it’s that easy, then what’s the problem?

The problem is that it’s NOT that easy.  Bullies exist everywhere.  We go to school with them; we work with them; some of us live with them and even worse, are forced to sleep with them. 

No.  It’s hard for me to openly admit this, but a bully has qualities that we, as a society, admire and reward.  The bully personifies the “survival-of-the-fittest” mentality that permeates our human psyche.

 

Notice how most people you meet have this drive to compete against you, to gain control, to gain the upper hand, to dominate a situation, to get the last word in a conversation, to win an argument, to possess another person, to fight for that competitive advantage, etc.  Our culture thrives on this facet of our human-ness.  There is this internal hunger in us to assert ourselves over everything and everyone around us.  It is in this way that we carry a bit of the bully in each one of us. 

It’s this internal bully that scares me the most — and the fact that, as a society, we praise and reward the survival-of-the-fittest attitude over the virtues we pledge our allegiances to… truth, integrity, fairness, justice, kindness, generosity, apple pie, and the American Way…

Ironically, in preserving the human race in this manner — through the survival-of-the-fittest (a/k/a bullying) method — we lose what makes us human.  The very trait that has preserved our species has destroyed our humanity.  This survival-of-the-fittest theme prevents, if not totally destroys, the emotional survival of humanity.  It hinders the possibility of experiencing and cultivating quality relationships with friends and couples and within families and social groups.  It stands in the way of the most fundamental and vital element of a relationship.  It stands in the way of trust. 

I want this to change in our society. 

I want civility to come back into our civilization.

I want our human-ness to survive in humanity.  

These are the desires that feed my need to publish our books and create the audio videos.  This is what feeds my craving to get these bullying segments up.

I know what I want to share with others will take longer than 1 ½ minutes, but, if I can prevent someone from becoming another victim of bullying, it’ll be well worth the time.

Yeah.  We’ll need more than 2 minutes to solve this problem.

P.S. I was so "motivated" by this post that we've posted a number of YouTube audio clips/videos dealing with the bullying subject -- http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=2AspiringAuthors&aq=f. 

Please check them out and give us feedback.  Thanks.