To Whom Much is Given, Much is Expected

Last month, in the blog post, “True Listening is Love in Action,” I introduced the book, The Road Less Traveled, by Dr. M. Scott Peck. 

In his book, Dr. Peck, discusses the attributes that — in his opinion — make for a fulfilled human being, based largely on his experiences as a psychiatrist and person.  He also encourages us to confront our problems which would enable us to reach a higher level of self-understanding.

He subdivides his “wisdom” into three parts:  discipline, love, and grace.  In the earlier post, I discussed the first three parts.

Something happened today that makes me want to talk about the last section… the section on grace.

And I guess it’s fitting that this revelation of mine happened in church…

I’ve sung in various choirs all my life.  Compared to its other choir members, I’m relatively new to this "current" choir — only singing with them for a couple of years, and I am one of the “younger” members in the group…

Today, our choir director put a quartette together — of which I was a member.  After Mass, the director received compliments on how well the quartette sung — comparing us to a professional group from New York, which was very gratifying and appreciated.  The choir director would like to do this more often.

Even with these glowing compliments, the choir director wanted to talk to me after everyone left.

She wanted to talk to me about my “stickiness.”

Me:  “Sticky?  I don’t understand.  What do you mean by stickiness?”

She:    “Well, when Jake started singing your part, I can feel you stiffening up.  You became “sticky.”  Because of that, the psalm didn’t come off as well as it did in practice.  It was still good, just not as good as I know it could have been.”

Me:     “Yeah, I wasn’t expecting Jake to start the psalm.  Cindy mentioned that I should cantor the start, so when Jake started, I was confused… wondering if Cindy said I should or if he should and I got distracted and…it became an ‘oops moment’ — not sure what I was to do.”

She:    “Overall it was good.  No one noticed, and we got compliments.  It’s just next time — and he’ll do it the next time…that’s just him — instead of stiffening up, bring Jake into you and let it all flow together.  It’ll be more connected and flow as one, instead of disconnected.  Your energy influences the group.  If you stiffen up, then it flows through the group and they’ll stiffen up as well, and everything becomes disconnected.  It all flows from you.”

Me:     “I understand how my energy influences the group, and I’m doing the best I can.  It’s hard when I’m surrounded by those who want to take control and others who want to stand out and be the center of attention. 

“It’s hard to bring all the different personalities together — to get that unity and flow within the group… Part of me just wants to disconnect from them, while at the same time connect for the flow — trying not to be distracted by them, but, at the same time, share with them.  It’s hard to balance the two…   

“Because it’s difficult, I end up concentrating on what I can do, which is reach out to the congregation and embrace them with my energy and bring them in.  I know I’m effective at that, because I see it in their faces when I sing to them.”

She:    “It is difficult to balance the disconnection with the connection.  Try thinking of bringing balance to the group by bringing them into you as you do the congregation.  When you sing, imagine your energy flowing over and surrounding everyone and everything.  Think of extending that energy beyond the congregation — pushing it further out and around… encompassing the singers around you, the instrumentalists behind you, and even those beyond the walls of the church.  Shoot for more…” 

Shoot for more...

Our conversation brought me back to what Dr. Peck said in his book—regarding grace and spiritual growth — along with the saying, “To whom much is given, much is expected.”

There is an expectation and responsibility to push ourselves to greater and greater wisdom… to greater and greater effectiveness. 

“To whom much is given, much is expected.”

The choir director didn’t go to Jake and ask him to become more of a team player and sing as part of the group. 

No.  She was asking me to do something that was far more difficult.  She was asking me to use my energy to influence the flow of the group —  not to change the individuals in the group but to balance the differences within the personalities to create a more cohesive sound. 

And all this is to be done without words… only through my presence, intent, and nonverbal movement and touch within the group…

Is this going to be hard for me?  YES!!!  So, why attempt it?  What if I fail?

There are so many people who live their lives unaware of others.  Why can’t I blend in with them and be one of them?  

Wouldn’t it be easier for me if I could just close myself off and only focus on my time in the spotlight?  Why should I put my energy out there to make the group sound better?  What’s in it for me?  Why extend myself in this manner? 

The answer is simple... but hard to achieve. 

It's because not to do so would display the unwillingness to extend myself to others. 

It would be a barrier to spiritual growth.  It would be the opposite of love.  

And that's not me...

“To whom much is given, much is expected.”

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True Listening is Love in Action

I’m working my way through another amazing book — The Road Less Traveled, by Dr. M. Scott Peck.  

Dr. Peck, discusses the attributes that — in his opinion — make for a fulfilled human being, based largely on his experiences as a psychiatrist and person.  He also encourages us to confront our problems which would enable us to reach a higher level of self-understanding.

He subdivides his “wisdom” into three parts:  discipline, love, and grace.

*** 

Discipline

He describes four aspects of discipline:

• Delaying gratification
• Accepting personal responsibility
• Dedicating oneself to truth (both in word and deed)
• Balancing and handling conflicting desires and necessities

Love

Many mistakenly think that love is a feeling; it is not.  Love is an action — not a feeling. 

• One must put effort into loving.  Love takes work.
• Love takes courage — because moving out of yourself, in the face of fear, takes courage. 
• Therefore, the action of love takes work and courage.  

• When we love another, we give that person our attention; we attend to that person’s growth and well-being. 
• We exercise our attention by listening.  To do this well, listening requires work.
• Therefore, true listening is love in action.

*** 

There’s much more to the book, but I want us to stop here and really reflect on this point. 

True listening is love in action… 

Therefore, stop whatever you’re doing and truly listen to your loved ones…

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Family Tree

I hesitate to get into this subject… but I will. 

Over the centuries, civilization has idealized the “family” into an image that none of us can live up to — where the unconditional love of a mother’s kiss and embrace soothes all wounds, where the protective but compassionate arm of the father wards off evil and solves all problems, where sisterly/brotherly love covers the world with daisies and candy… and where everyone lives happily ever after…

Yeah… right…

Striving for such perfection in a family is unachievable — just like striving for individual perfection is unachievable. All we can hope for is to do the best we can with what we're given.

So, let me introduce a less poetic — but more realistic — view of “family” and see if this makes more sense...

Every family is dysfunctional in some way.

Let’s face it.  Families are made up of imperfect human beings who are struggling to balance their self-interests against others — those inside and outside of the group.  Family members are also dealing with events that are totally out of their control — no matter how hard they fight against that reality. 

If we, as individuals, have a hard time dealing with these issues, how does a group of “us-es” manage to do it…. and do it successfully? 

The honest answer is… we don’t.

Yes.  Every family is dysfunctional in some way; and it’s in the way we manage this "dysfunctionality" that defines us. 

For the majority of us, it’s through the family’s bond that we, as children, learn about physical security and emotional connections.  It was our parents who taught us the meanings of words like love, hug, kiss, and good… along with the words like hurt, hit, disappoint, bad, no-No-NO, and STOP. 

Just like we learned from our parents, our parents learned from theirs, and they from theirs, and so on.  The further back we go in this heritage-chain the more we understand how we got here.

Generations ago, families dealt with the Great Depression, the Great War, religious persecution, political turmoil, ethnic prejudice, hate crimes, etc.  Some dealt with their plights by becoming determined and self-reliant, journeying to new lands to start over, struggling to control their external environment — while burying their vulnerability and emotional needs deep inside.  Some dealt with their troubles by blaming others (e.g., the government, their employers, their families, etc.).  Some turned inward... separating themselves from society — escaping into addictions or picking up criminal or other destructive behaviors. 

Although different in their approaches, they each picked paths that prevented them from openly connecting with others — within and outside the family unit. 

And these are the ancestors that have cultivated our family trees.

Today, we’re dealing with similar economic turmoil, wars that elicit multinational involvement, religious persecution, political turmoil, ethnic prejudice, hate crimes, etc.  Without much thought and effort, we follow the paths of our ancestors. 

Sons follow in their dads’ footsteps — starting their own families and working long hours, to financially provide for the family; daughters follow in their moms’ footsteps — managing the home, while maintaining another job or two outside the home; the children are sent off to school and after-school facilities and branch out on their own — while wishing that their dads were rooted in protection and masculine guidance more and that their moms’ limbs were soothing and nurturing more…

And the members of this circle are all wishing that they were being seen and appreciated for who they are, and not just for what they do.  They want to share themselves with someone, but no one stops long enough to listen.  They want to feel loved, but no one has a clue as to what love is.

Yes, over the centuries, civilization has idealized the "family" into an image that none of us can live up to.  And over the years, these unfulfilled expectations have brought with them feelings of inadequacy, failure, guilt, blame, regrets, insecurities, abandonment, betrayal, etc. ... all because imperfect human beings failed at being the "perfect family."
 

Yes, without much thought and effort, we can follow the paths of our ancestors — and continue to blame  each other...

           … or we can stop the cycle.

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A Hard Pill to Swallow

I’m still reading Dr. Burns’ book, Feeling Good Together. 

Dr. Burns prescribes a hard pill for us to swallow.  

Basically, he says we get out of relationships — and life — exactly what we put into them.  Because we create the problems that we complain about, we have to accept our role in our conflicts and troubled relationships.

OUCH!!!  That’s awfully hard to swallow!

No! That can’t be true!  We’re not the troublemakers.  We’re the innocent victims in all of this.  We can — and are eagerly prepared to — list all the reasons why it’s the other person’s fault and not ours…

And as we relentlessly defend ourselves — and righteously blame others — we prove Dr. Burns right.

Once we accept his diagnosis, it’s up to us to follow his professional advice — which is to actually stop and listen to what the other person is trying to tell us — and find the piece of truth in their criticism… no matter how painful it may be to admit to it.

His book gives examples, encourages us to do exercises, and outlines techniques to effective communication that can diffuse difficult situations. 

And as I’m reading the book, I’m struck with the feeling that it’s a lot of work to effectively communicate and diffuse volatile situations — and he expects me to be the one making ALL the effort — while my friends, family, co-workers, etc. are reaping the rewards of all my hard work.  How is that fair?  Why is it that I’m doing all the work?  Shouldn’t there be some give and take in all of this? 

Yes, but there are two things to remember in all of this. 

The first thing to always remember is:  We can’t change others, only ourselves.  If we want to change our relationships with others, we have to change ourselves.

And the second thing is:  Even though it’s frustrating at times, if you love whomever you’re fighting with, you’ll do what is necessary to diffuse the situation, break down barriers, and become closer to each other. 

Even if it means you have to swallow your ego to do it... and that's such a hard pill to swallow.

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Non-Huggers, Be Forewarned!

I was in a silly mood in water aerobics this morning.  It was just minutes before class, and the several women were still wading in, focusing on finding that perfect spot they’ve picked out for themselves.

One such lady was coming right toward me.  She didn’t seem to see me standing there, because that imaginary spot of hers had her full attention.  If she continued on her current course, she’d have collided into me. 

Foreseeing this, I could have moved… but I didn’t. 

I simply stood there with my arms outstretched, with a silly grin on my face, waiting for some reaction from her…

Still nothing from her… 

She just kept coming.

So, I stood there, arms outstretched, acting as the pool’s silent, silly-grinning tollgate.

It wasn’t until she was just inches away that she finally noticed me.  She stared at me for a couple of seconds — expecting me to move — but, then, she saw my silly grin.

Her facial expression changed as things started to register with her.  She stretched out her arms as well, and gave me the hug I was waiting for.  Only then, was she allowed to pass.

She commented that her husband and she just had a conversation about this same thing at breakfast this morning.  Her husband is from a family that regularly hugs each other.  She, on the other hand, came from a family that never hugged each other — so she’s not used to all this hugging.  Her husband simply told her that she’ll just have to get used to it.

That opened up a “hug” discussion among the group.  The instructor mentioned that, years ago, her daughter dated a young man who grew up in a family that didn’t hug.  Her family is a hugging family.  At first, whenever this guy came to family functions, he was uncomfortable when he was treated as “part of the hugging family.”  This “young man” is, now, the instructor’s son-in-law; and he’s been converted.  He simply surrenders to the hugs…

The rest of the ladies’ stories ended the same way.  Between the battle of the huggers and the non-huggers, the huggers always won over their opponents. 

I came from a non-hugging family, so it’s not surprising that the first — and best, in my humble opinion — inspirational/motivational speaker I latched onto was Leo Buscaglio, Ph.D. — aka "Dr. Love."  He also was an author and a professor in the Department of Special Education at the University of Southern California.

While at the University, he always took an interest in his students.  One week, he noticed that one of his more responsive students was missing for several of his classes.  Because he missed her inquisitive face, he asked around and learned that she had committed suicide. 

This news devastated Leo.  He never wanted to lose another student to suicide, again.  Because of that, he focused on how important human connection was to life.  He began a non-credit course called Love 1A, which focused on the need for human connection, arguing that social bonds are essential to transcending the stresses of everyday life.  Human contact enriched life and crossed communication gaps between generations. 

He’s written a number of books — and each book embraces you with his humor, his humanness, his genuineness, and his love for life and humanity.  His work is most closely associated with the topic of love and human relationships, emphasizing the value of positive human touch — especially hugs.

This association with hugging became his trademark at lectures.  After each presentation, thousands of people would line up and stand patiently, waiting to hug him.  He wouldn’t leave until the last person was hugged.  Many times, the recipients of the hugs would tell him that they couldn’t remember the last time they were hugged… it had been that long ago. 

Leo died in 1998, but you can still experience his life-giving energy through his books and even view him on YouTube. 

If you take the time to get to know him through his books and videos, you’ll see how amazingly giving he was to everyone.

And I often wonder…

What would the world be like if we all had someone like Leo in our families — an expressive and loving family member who constantly told us how wonderful we are and how wonderful life is, and who was never afraid to share his feelings or give away hugs every chance he got?

And from my little survey in the pool today, I’m feeling confident that Leo’s hugging campaign is alive and well… in more and more people.

So, non-huggers, be forewarned.  We’re coming after you!

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Abandonment of Wonderment

Have you ever walked into a room and been immediately drawn to a person?  I’m not just talking about being physically attracted to another person, but attracted to the person’s energy, ease of laughter, attentiveness, genuineness, caring, intelligence, etc.

I was drawn to such a person the other day.  His energy, enthusiasm, passion, openness, genuineness — all of him — filled me up. 

Although I didn’t have a chance to talk with him because he was working, he affected me, intimately, in the way he approached his “duties.”  

I’ve watched and listened to hundreds of men before him — all going through the same routines and rituals that he was performing — but those others didn’t have the same intensity as this fellow did.

He approached each activity with such focused attention… such conviction… such wonderment and awe. 

He reminded me of the innocence that tickles children’s cheeks as they wake up on Christmas morning — and the abandonment in which they rush to the Christmas tree, gasp at all the gifts, and realize — with no doubt in their hearts or minds — that they are loved, they are special, and they are never alone.  Santa does exist. 

That was the vision that this man conjured up.  It was breathtaking and over all too soon.  I wished I could have stayed with him longer and drink in his energy… but alas, I couldn’t.

Besides, he’s forbidden fruit. He’s a newly ordained priest — ordained a handful of years ago — who is currently stationed at a local church I visited the other day. 

Still, this constraint doesn’t prevent me from admiring his essence and the way he approaches life.   It’s a good reminder, too.

Most of the time, we’re weighed down by the stark reality of our day-to-day routines and obligations — so much so that we begin to feel like an old tube of toothpaste.  Our energy is squeezed out of us — used, abused, spit out, and splattered all over the bathroom sink…

It’s during these times that we need to brush off the caked-on paste, put ourselves to bed, and wake up like a child on Christmas morning… filled with limitless energy, wonderment, and awe over the enchanted life we hold within us…

And if we’ve forgotten how, there are people around us who will show us…

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The Backlash

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you would have run into a number of posts stressing the need to accept responsibility for your actions while, at the same time, allowing others to accept the consequences of their own actions. 

Well, a friend of mine is beginning to do that with her 20-something-year-old daughter.  She’s stepping away and taking back her life — allowing her daughter to take ownership of her own life.

This move, on my friend’s part, is very hard for her… and her daughter.

Cassandra, my friend, wants to be a supportive and loving mother.  In fulfilling this need of hers, she has given her daughter all that she has — bailing the daughter out of one mess after another. 

Looking back over her life, she realizes that, while she has given up everything for her daughter, her sacrifices have gone unnoticed.  Now, she finds herself financially strapped and emotionally drained. 

The daughter is in no better shape.  Over the years, the daughter has developed an attitude of “entitlement” that was once only reserved for royalty.  The daughter has been taught to expect her mother to fulfill her every need, without question or appreciation.  The daughter has never had to accept responsibility for her own actions, nor deal with the consequences that result from those actions.  Her mother always stepped in to shield her from herself.  

Both individuals in this story are searching for their own identities.  Both are struggling to stand on their own… crying out to be seen and heard — to be loved for who they are…

Cassandra wants things to change for her daughter and for herself.  For this to happen, she has started to step away from situations — allowing the daughter to step up and take ownership of her own life.

Once Cassandra starts to step away, the backlash begins.  It's a strong wave of reality crashing down on the daughter.  

This is painful for both of them.

The daughter is hit so hard that it throws her off-balance.  In response, she does the only thing she knows to get her footing back.  She blames her mother for her situation.  She gives the mother the icy stares and the cold, silent treatment — shutting the mother out of her life — waiting for the mother to break down and fix things…

Cassandra is struggling with her decision.  Was it the right thing to do?  Was it the right time to do it? 

Oh, if only she could turn back the hands of time and start all over again, but she can’t.  She can only go forward…

Will her daughter ever understand why her mother did this? 

Will Cassandra be strong enough to see this through? 

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Merry Christmas!

May the innocence that tickles children’s cheeks as they wake up on Christmas morning add to the wonderment of the season.   

Share in the abandonment in which they rush to the tree, gasp at all the gifts, and realize — with no doubt in their hearts or minds — that they are loved, they are special, and they are never alone. 

Cut the Strings Tied to Caring*

Everyone tells me that I'm a great listener and confidant; and because of that, they share their problems with me.

They come to me utterly frustrated, exhausted, and powerless.  I can hear the love, the caring, and the pain in their voices as they pour out their concerns to me.  I can feel their suffering as they beg me to solve their problems for them. 

I’m honored that so many are comfortable in sharing their concerns with me; I’m flattered that they think that I have the power to solve their problems; and I’m humbled by my inability to give them what they want.

Luckily, the issues they are agonizing over are not life-threatening.  In fact, the problems they’re bringing me are not even their problems.  The problems they bring me are the consequences of actions and choices of another, which is why my friends are feeling so lost and powerless…

The best thing I can do is to help them realize that what’s happening around them is not happening to them, but is actually happening to someone else — and is the natural result of the choices made by that other person. 

That’s the biggest hurdle for us to get over, especially when we care so much for another. 

It’s hard to watch loved ones in trouble and not be able to stop the spiraling cycle they’ve put themselves in.  It feels as if we’re tangled up — right alongside them — struggling to free ourselves from the shackles that are weighing them down.

I think this is why we are so quick to accept blame or fault for another’s predicament.  By accepting blame, we mentally try to take ownership of the situation.  We strap ourselves to the situation, even though we have no business doing so. 

Once we insert ourselves into the middle of things, we start to feel that the problem is all about us.  It becomes our responsibility to right the wrong… to fix the problem… to control the situation. 

This is from where the angst comes. 

We try, disparately, to take ownership of the problem, but it’s not our problem to take.  We want to control the situation, but it’s not our situation to control.  It belongs to another person, and there’s nothing we can do to change that.

We’re constantly overestimating our power to change another person.  We keep trying to change others, and we keep failing. When we fail, we blame ourselves for failing, which propels us to try even harder…

This frustrating and unproductive cycle can only end when we stop trying to change others and concentrate on changing ourselves. 

To do this, we must cut the strings we’ve so masterfully woven around the caring we’ve provided to others. 

We have to work on letting go and letting our loved ones live their own lives — mistakes and all. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not suggesting that we stop caring for each other.  I’m not suggesting that we cut contact from our loved ones.

 No.  I’m suggesting that we shift the way we care for each other.  We have to stop stepping in and taking over; and, instead, we need to step back and allow them to take on the consequences of their own actions.

We can’t protect our loved ones from life, but we can prepare them for it.  We can give them the tools and confidence to take on the challenges that are ahead of them. 

Once we’ve taught them how to fly, we must muster up enough courage to cut the strings and let them fly on their own… and in whatever direction they choose to go.

*Adapted excerpt from our book....

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The Blame Game

I need to let the sequel to the children’s book sit for a while before I go through it again to tweak sections and proof the book.  I’m fighting with the storyline.  It’s not where I want it to be, because I liked the first version so much better than this one — but I have to keep in mind our audience… I’m here to please them, not me…

That’s why it’s always good to have an objective second, third, or fourth person with “fresh eyes” to look at your material.  That person can see things that you can no longer see.  If you don’t have a second person to look at your work, then you should put it aside for a while to give your memory’s eye time to forget what it thinks it sees.  Then you can go back and see with “fresh eyes” — as if you’re that second person.

Anyway, that’s what I’m trying to do now… I’m trying to wait; and, as I told you before, patience is not my strong suit. 

In the meantime, I’m trying to think of a way to summarize this second book.  Basically, it deals with how hard it is for some to accept the consequences of their actions… while others accept the blame for things that are beyond their power to control.

It’s interesting to see this play out in reality.  If these two types happen to find each other, they may make a compatible team — one always blaming the other and the other willing to accept the blame — but for the most part, we simply pass that hot potato of blame down to some unsuspecting person further down the blame line...

Blaming others is contagious and is passed along like a virus.  Merely being exposed to someone blaming you of something causes you to want to turn around and blame someone else.  Blame is like that hot potato you pass down to the next player who gets burned.   The last person in line finds himself being blamed for some completely unrelated failure — to which he has no defense. 

If everyone in this game gets burned, why do so many people play along?

The motivations behind this blame game are natural. As we’ve said before, there is a human need to be accepted and liked.  Most people want to look good in the eyes of their friends, family, coworkers, etc., so they don’t want to bear the shame of being responsible for a problem — to be viewed as less than perfect.  In the workplace, being responsible for an error may carry with it penalties, such as reprimands, pay deductions, demotions, terminations, etc.  As a result, people will pass the blame on rather than dealing with it, which can be especially frustrating for people who are genuinely not involved with the issue.

The temptation is huge to keep passing the buck and point the finger elsewhere when you make a mistake — after all, everyone else does it.  Just because everyone else does it, doesn't make it the right thing to do.  Just because it’s easier to pass the blame on to someone else, doesn’t make it the right thing to do. 


Anyway... I'm thinking of starting the book with this little thought:

The Blame Game

I was told that

Every good story

Needs a bad guy

Someone to blame

Someone to dislike

Someone to fight against

But on whom do I place blame

When it’s me

Who is wrong?

Who do I dislike

When it’s me

Who has done the harm?

Who do I fight against

If it’s me

Who’s being mean?

On whom do I place blame

If it’s me

Who’s the bad guy?

Yes, who do I find to blame?

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Letting Go

A co-worked just lost her father.  She came into work today, to help get her mind off of the emotions she’s experiencing.  I sat with her for a bit, to see if there was anything I could do for her.

She asked, “When will I stop crying?  It’s not like I didn’t know this day wasn’t coming.  He’s been ill.  I thought I had prepared myself for it, but when this day finally came… I wasn’t ready...”

When will she stop crying?  There’s no easy answer to that question.  As time passes, the pain will dull; but, then, something will trigger a memory, and she’ll find herself right back to today’s pain. 

Going through the stages of grief takes time.  It’s important to know that and take each day as it comes. 

As long as we know what we’re going through, we can find a way to function through it.  That’s all we can do — function through the grief.

Depending on the type of relationship you had with your loved one, you will experience these stages differently than others.  Usually, when people learn of the loss, they will react with shock and denial.  As the shock wears off, unbelievable pain will replace it.  They may feel guilt and remorse over what they did or didn’t do… what they should or shouldn’t have done.  This feeling of frustration gives way to anger.  They may lash out and blame others for the tragedy.  During this time, they can start to isolate themselves and become depressed.

But, as time passes, you’ll start to adjust to your “new normal” without your loved one.  Things will feel calmer and more organized. Your depression will begin to lift slightly.  You’ll start working through things again.  Your mind will start functioning as it used to.   After a while, you’ll learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. 

This doesn’t mean that you will be instantaneously happy, carefree, and untroubled as you were before the loss.  It only means that you are moving forward and defining a new normalcy of life for yourself… after the loss.

Letting Go


I remember you taking me to school
You carried my books part of the way
Your hand patted me on the back
As you pushed me through the door


I didn’t think I was ready but you took no notice
You knew it was time to let go
You slipped your hand away from mine
And let me go on without you


I remember you teaching me to ride a bike
You stayed close to me
Your big hand covering mine
As you helped me steer and balance


I didn’t think I was ready but you took no notice
You knew it was time to let go
You slipped your hand away from mine
And let me go on without you


I remember you teaching me to drive
You sat next to me
Your hand covering mine
As I tried to fit the car into the space


I didn’t think I was ready but you took no notice
You knew it was time to let go
You slipped your hand away from mine
And let me go on without you


I remember you teaching me the hardest lesson
It was on the day you died
When I took your hand in mine
And found out how hard it is to let someone go


I didn’t think I was ready but you took no notice
You knew it was time to let go
I slipped my hand away from yours
And let you go on without me

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Let’s Focus, People!

I woke up, again, with the strongest desire to work on these writing projects, so I’m back at my computer, wanting to write about something… about anything!

This energy — this desire, this obsession, this need — controls my every waking moment.  It’s all I can think about.  It’s all I can focus on…

Don’t get me wrong…other things do get done.  I go through my days as usual.  I function at work; I get my errands done; I manage the house; I meet with family and friends; I continue to give of myself to the teens online; I go to choir practice, etc.

Everything else gets done; everyone else’s needs are met.

I meet all my other obligations; but, all the while, my mind is clicking off thoughts of what I need to do to push me over the next hurdle in my writing career.

I go through my days looking for new ideas for the blog, new subjects for better books, new methods of getting the message out, new contacts, and new ways of getting noticed by publishers…

I have a writing pad by my bed, just in case I think of something in my sleep.  I have a writing pad in my car, just in case I think of something during the drive to work or on my way to various errands.  I don't have a writing pad in the bathroom... well, not yet...

Yeah.  I’m becoming obsessed with this… but I believe that I’m managing my writing addiction quite well.  I don’t think anyone is getting slighted due to it.  It’s just that I’ve noticed how I’m constantly in search for something to do that’s relates to these writing projects…

The MOST interesting thing about this is that Katherine is dealing with the same type of energy, the same type of desire, and the same type of need to work on her personal projects.

Unfortunately, her personal projects are not these writing projects of mine.

We’re back to her self-interest is getting in the way of my self-interest; and my need to put our friendship ahead of my desire to get published.

While all I can focus on is the writing projects; all she can focus on is her personal and family issues.

I understand that.  She needs to focus on those things; and I need to give her the space and time to do it.  She needs to concentrate on redefining her inner core; and I need to give her my support, my understanding, and my friendship to accomplish that.  She doesn’t need additional things to juggle along the way.  She has enough on her plate as it is.

So, when we do manage to get some time together, we don’t talk much about these writing projects.  We talk about what’s going on in her life.

Instead of writing about friendship, we’re living it…

And that’s the whole point, isn’t it?

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Missing

A friend turned to me as she used to… long ago.
She needed someone to listen to her.
She needed someone to give support.
She needed someone to empathize.
I was able to give her what she’s been missing.

A friend turned to me as she used to… long ago.
She shared her past disappointments.
She shared her future plans.
She shared herself with me.
She gave me what I’ve been missing.

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