Lost Myself for a Moment

As you can imagine, anxiety plagued me the entire week before the women’s retreat.  As the days and hours ticked closer to the start of it, I grew more and more pensive and uncomfortable — but I had agreed to go… and go I shall. 

Once we got to the campsite, I started mentally checking off items on my ever-growing anxiety list.  The more I was able to check things off, the more comfortable I became.

• Indeed, I was free to come and go as I pleased.  There were no locked gates or barriers that prevented me from leaving.
• The site was an opened campground, with an outside kitchen, a covered meeting area, and a mobile unit that was used as a community center meeting room.  If the nights were too cold for camping out in tents, we could sleep on the floor of the mobile unit.  There were also outside showers and bathrooms. 
• Trees and foliage created small, intimate areas throughout the property.  These peaceful coves created natural, private havens for people to set up their tents — as well as provided shared common areas where groups could freely gather.
• Although participants were encouraged to spend the nights there, we were free to leave and return in the morning if we preferred.  I chose to do the latter, although most everyone else stayed the nights.
• Instead of being blindly led from one activity to another, we were given a flexible agenda, so we would know what was planned for the weekend — with the understanding that things could change along the way.
• I didn’t have time to feel out of place because as soon as we stepped onto the property, the spiritual leader put us to work — setting things up for the night’s festivities.  [Hint:  This is one of the fastest ways to make members feel part of a group — having them work together on a common task or goal.] 

Even with all our prep-work, as the weekend progressed, the differences between the group and me became glaringly apparent.  There was no preventing it… no hiding it.  I was, indeed, labeled “vanilla” — as we had predicted. 

At first, this unnerved me.  I wanted to fit in; I wanted to be liked; I wanted to be accepted… and when I was labeled “vanilla,” I felt as if I had failed. 

Katherine took me aside and reminded me that I needn’t force anything.  All I needed to be was myself and I will fit in.  Simply be.

  

Simply be. 

To “simply be” meant to acknowledge the truth of the situation.  I am different from the group; there’s no denying it, no hiding it, and no changing that fact…

Once I became grounded in that simple truth, another truth surfaced.  This group of women didn’t care that I wasn’t like them.  They were confident women who weren’t concerned about our differences.  They didn’t use every moment to work on me — to conform my thoughts and beliefs to theirs.  They didn’t spend their weekend trying to change me.

They were warm and welcoming.  They were giving of themselves without taking anything from me.  They managed to create an encouraging, open, and protective place where we could share our experiences and dreams without fear of ridicule or rejection.

They were very comfortable with themselves, which allowed me to be comfortable with myself — probably for the first time since my last women’s retreat (20+ years ago).  They accepted me for who I was at that moment… appreciated where I was in my journey… and invited me back to join them for future gatherings.

Yeah, the weekend went far better than I could have imagined, and I am very glad I took the risk. 

Yeah.  It is good for me to get out of my comfort zone and expand my experiences.

Don’t let Katherine know I said this… but she was right, damn it! 

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I’m Numb

I’m numb. 

For the past couple of years, I’ve been trying to contact a friend of mine.  We were really close years and years ago, but she moved out of state, and we've lost touch.

Over the years, I’ve called her; but after another move, the phone number I had for her no longer worked. 

Emailing her wasn’t an option, since she wasn’t comfortable with the computer and didn’t have an email address. 

The letters and cards I sent in the later years started to come back with no forwarding address. 

Knowing my friend’s hectic, constantly moving, and crazy life, I just assumed that she was happily busy with her family — and I, mentally, wished her well.

She’s such a beautiful person that I couldn’t wish her anything less.  She’s another exceptional person I’ve had the privilege to know.  Her loving spirit shines through every piece of her and brightens everyone and everything around her.  She is totally devoted to her family and “her family” includes everyone she meets.  Her presence makes such a difference to those she touches. 

So, I can understand how we fell out of touch, and I am so grateful that our paths crossed for as long as it did.

Two years ago, some internal need made me resurrect my search for her again.  I knew my friend wasn’t comfortable on the computer, but I thought, maybe, time had changed that and searching on Facebook was worth a shot.  It would be one way that she can keep in contact with her family — and I thought, maybe, her daughters would have set up an account for her. 

So, I took a shot.  Unfortunately, my friend’s name is pretty common, and I had to develop a hit-and-miss strategy to my Facebook search.  I thought I had found her and sent her a friend’s request… but got no response.

That didn’t stop me, though.  Each time her birthday rolled around, I would reach out again and again… with no response.

This year, when her birthday came around, I reached out again…

Then it struck me.  Her youngest daughter would be in her twenties now — and part of this Facebook generation.  If I can find her, I can ask her to wish her mom a happy birthday for me.  And that’s what I did.

Yesterday, the daughter messaged me back. 

Her mom — my friend — was killed in a car accident, by a drunk driver… two years ago.

I'm numb.

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Listen to That Little Voice Inside…

I cross paths with an acquaintance at work.  We’re not particularly close, but we’re friendly when we pass each other in the halls.  We exchange hellos and goodbyes, but that’s the extent of our conversations.  A nod and a wave… and that’s about it.

Yesterday, we followed our same ritual, but a little voice inside me told me to look deeper into Pam’s face — so I did. 

I didn’t notice anything different.  She smiled and nodded her hello and goodbye as usual. 

Today, Pam walked pass my opened door.  That little voice inside me told me to follow her back to her office and check on her — so I did.

I knocked on her closed door.  She called for me to come in, smiled when she saw me, and waited for me to tell her why was I there…

I wasn’t sure exactly what to say.  Why was I there? 

All I could say was that I wanted to come by and check on her… I just wanted to make sure she was alright.

She stopped for a second, deciding how to answer.  Then she began to tell me of her current struggles — at work, at home, with her ex, and with her kids — and how she felt so all alone… bottling everything in… pretending how everything was fine…

I couldn’t change her circumstance.  I couldn’t change her ex-husband or her kids.  I couldn’t relieve her from her struggles. 

All I could do was listen… but that was enough. 

Talking it all out helped her put things in perspective.  Having a sounding board helped her organize her thoughts.  Simply giving her my attention and listening helped. 

Listening helped.  

It helps…

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Merry Christmas!

May the innocence that tickles children’s cheeks as they wake up on Christmas morning add to the wonderment of the season.   

Share in the abandonment in which they rush to the tree, gasp at all the gifts, and realize — with no doubt in their hearts or minds — that they are loved, they are special, and they are never alone. 

If It’s Such Good Advice, Why Not Follow It?

I’m awakened by the piercing ring of my phone.  I roll over, planning to let the answering machine deal with the caller, until I hear my friend’s upset voice being recorded.

I stumble to the phone and manage to pick it up before she slips away in the shadows of my sleepy haze. 

Rachel is unnerved.  She finds herself in the middle of a very volatile and emotional situation.  Before she acts upon her instincts, she wants to pass the plan by me — her logical, objective, and stable friend, who always gives her good advice.

She gives me the background of her situation, describes her dilemma, and outlines her plan of attack.  Once she blurts everything out, she asks what I think of her plan.

I try to calm her down, so she can clearly understand what I’m about to say.  I tell her that, if I were in her situation, I wouldn’t do what she’s planning to do.  I foresee that her current course of action would create more problems than solve them.  Instead, I would do ‘such-and-such’.

She listens, understands the reasoning, and agrees that her plan of action would aggravate the situation.  She thanks me for my advice and hangs up.

Thirty minutes later, the phone rings again.  It’s Rachel… in tears.  She admits that I was right.  She should have followed my advice, but she went with her plan, instead.  Doing it her way did, indeed, make things worse. 

Rachel:  “Now, what do I do?  I’m thinking of going to him and doing ‘this-and-that.’”

Me:  “No, I wouldn’t do ‘this-and-that’ if I were you.  I would do ‘such-and-such’ instead.  Neither of you are in the right emotional state to deal with this rationally at this time.  If you continue on this path of yours, you’ll make it even worse.”

Rachel:  “You’re right, of course.  You’ve given me great advice.  Let me hang up with you and do what you suggest.”

An hour later, the phone rings again.  It’s Rachel… in tears.  She, once again, admits that I was right.  She should have followed my advice, but she went with her plan, instead.  Doing it her way did, indeed, make things much worse. 

Rachel:  “Now, what do I do?  I’m thinking of going back and doing ‘this-and-that.’”

Me:  “No, I wouldn’t do ‘this-and that’ if I were you.  I would disengage at this point.  You need to step back and let things settle down.  Don’t do anything more to agitate the situation.  Neither of you are in the right emotional state to deal with this rationally at this time.  If you continue on this path of yours, you’ll make it even worse.”

Rachel:  “Yes, but I can’t just sit here and do nothing… I can’t let…”

Me:    “I know it’s hard for you, but you’ll going to have to step back and let things settle down.  You’ll have to let things 'just be'... for a while.”

Rachel:  “I see where you’re coming from.  Thanks for the advice.  I’ll let you get some rest.”

Another hour passes, and the phone rings.  It’s Rachel again.  She's set up a meeting with him, tonight.  She's leaving in a few minutes.  She wants to discuss the matter further— even though an hour ago, he was so angry, and she’s very afraid of what he might say or do when they meet…

Me:  “Rachel!  Why are you meeting him?!  I told you to disengage… that means to disconnect.  That means NOT to talk with him, NOT to meet with him, NOT to see him!  Stop all contact with him until things settle down!”

Rachel:  “I know, but I can’t let things sit.  It’s not in my nature.  I can’t just wait things out.  I know you’re right, but it’s too late.  I can’t turn back.”

Me:  “Rachel!  Don’t go!”

Rachel:  “I have to…”

And the phone line goes dead.

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Held Hostage by the Garage

I packed the car and was ready to get on the road.  I pushed the button for the garage door to open and… nothing happened. 

I pushed it again… and still nothing.

I mumbled to myself that I didn’t have time for this.  I had to be at the church… NOW!

I got out of the car, pulled out the 4’ ladder to reach the manual release, so I can pull the garage door up, manually.  The door wouldn’t move.  It was locked in place.

I looked around, hoping that I was missing something.  I pulled the manual release again and again… only to get the same result over and over again… The door wouldn’t move.

It’s really irritating to be held hostage by a garage door — but this damsel in distress was determined to get out of the garage… hopefully, sooner than later.

It was early on a Sunday morning — not a good time to call friends for help — but I tried Katherine, since she had to be at the same place that I had to be.  Maybe, she could come by and pick me up, but she said that there wasn’t enough time for that…

So, I knocked on my neighbor’s door on an early Sunday morning, hoping he’ll come out to help. 

While I was waiting for him, I noticed — framed in the early morning sunrise — a handsome knight in shining armor on a silver steed, riding toward me.  Running by his side was his trusted sidekick.

Well… actually, it was a guy in shorts, riding a bicycle, with his son running beside him — but, still, they were a welcomed sight! 

While I was flagging that pair down, my neighbor came out in his mix-matched plaid pajamas and “bed hair.”   I really appreciated him coming out as soon as he could to help me.

I explained my situation to these three heroes and begged them to free me from my dungeon.

They were more than eager and capable of dealing with this villain of mine.

It was determined that the garage door’s spring had busted in half.  We were able to get the door up and hold it up long enough for me to get the car out of the garage, before it came slamming down again.

But I was freed!!  And I got to the church on time!!! 

This was amazing how this day turned around for me — all because of my neighbor and those two strangers who came to my aid.

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Light Banter, Dark Chocolate

This week has been peppered with all sorts of social interactions — both positive and negative — and I’m not sure what to make of them. 

I would like to make some heads-or-tails out of all of it, but they ran the gamut from truly irritating and frustrating to emotional sharing — with some light fun and playful interactions mixed in between. 

Each interaction came from different people, so the only common denominator was … well, me.

I’m just amazed how human beings interact with each other — all based on what they want from each other. 

For example, the frustrating and irritating encounters came from the work environment.  These people want nothing more from me than zombie-like loyalty and "dead-dication."  Please check your mind and feelings at the door before you come into the workplace.

The emotional sharing came from a close friend.

The light fun and playful interactions came from some good friends.

I even experienced a very surprising and enlightening conversation with a casual acquaintance, who was on his way to his father’s funeral. He wasn’t looking for sympathy from me, but just someone to talk to before he headed out on his long trip to his hometown.

Yes, it’s interesting what we need from each other.  Some are content with light banter and dark chocolate. 

Some of us are searching for something more than that…

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I’m Ready to Get Back to Writing Again

I’m ready to leave all this administrative stuff behind me again. 

I’m ready to leave the correspondence with publishers to someone else.

I’m ready to jump back into my creative world and leave the rest of the world to fend for itself.

In corresponding with several publishers, it’s become quite clear that they base their decisions on a quick scan of bits and pieces of materials—just enough to see if the book fits their specific need for the moment.

That UK publisher — who saw everything in a negative light and who needed a relationship book — emailed back.  She felt our relationship book wasn’t a relationship book… because it included friendship as an important relationship.  They’ve been working long and hard on another friendship book and didn’t want to stop work on that one to start all over with ours.

I totally understand where the UK publisher is coming from. I didn’t want to start over and rework a bunch of new book proposal packages… for goodness sakes!

What I find… disheartening… is that she couldn’t see how our book was about relationships.  Yes, it included friendship in its relationship spectrum, but why should that prevent the book from being about relationships?

As we explain in our book:

Everyone knows that strong relationships are essential for a healthy and happy life.  From the moment we’re born, we begin to learn about ourselves through interactions with those around us.  Our very self-worth is tied to what others think, see, and share. 


For the majority of us, our first experience with relationships is through family interactions.  It is through the family’s bond that we, as children, take our first steps toward physical security and emotional connections.  Although these are our first close connections, these relationships are —for the most part — chosen for us.  We don’t have an active role in selecting our family. 


As we mature, we venture out from the comfort of our family circle.  It is during this exploration that we learn more about ourselves and how we affect others. 

The first relationship we actually choose for ourselves is a friendship.  We actively seek out and develop a close connection with persons outside of our family unit.  In friendships, we’re able to explore and cultivate our skills in relating, communicating, trusting, respecting, and sustaining quality relationships.  A close friendship is our introduction to developing and sustaining an intimate and lasting relationship. 


Sadly, some have mistaken friendships as something to be discarded — like training wheels after learning to ride a bike.  Although always beneficial, many treat friendships as something less than a “real” relationship — only to be seen as training wheels to a “real relationship.” 


Many don’t even realize how powerful, empowering, and intimate a close friendship can be.  They don’t realize how a friendship can infuse a person’s life with the energy, encouragement, support, and love needed to light their way through their darkest hours.


Yes.  A close friendship is a relationship that contains the power to do this. 

All this makes me stop and think:  Maybe this “negative” UK publisher is searching for something more than just a relationship book to fill their publishing needs…

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A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Well, we did it.  We wrote up our pitch to the TODAY show and Marlo Thomas.  I would have sent it out last week, but Katherine wanted to attach pictures of us with the submission.  She said they would help with the marketing of us.

Ummm…. Maybe a picture of her would, but not of me…  I don’t like my picture taken.  It feels and looks like I’m standing in front of a firing squad.  I don’t even own a camera; I run from them; I’ll volunteer to take everyone’s picture, just so I’m not in it.  If I’m forced to be in a picture, I position myself just outside the lens’ reach; or I’m the one in the back, behind everyone else.  On a windy day, you may see a strand of my hair sticking out from behind someone else, if you’re lucky.

So, I’m totally against this idea, which doesn’t stop Katherine.  Whenever I say, “No,” by the time the “No” reaches Katherine’s ear… somehow… in her head… a challenge is born.  She doesn’t stop until she gets me to change my mind…  She’s very persuasive.

What once was a two-letter, one-word sentence, “No”— after Katherine gets through with me — turns into a string of …

No… No… but… but… I don’t like… I don’t want to… maybe… but… well, if you think it’s best… fine… fine… let’s just get this thing over with…

Once she convinced me that we needed the pictures, we had to find time where we’re in the same place together to take these blasted shots.  

The first couple of pictures she took of me were in front of one of those short palm trees, in a parking lot.  Those were not attractive shots.  Standing in front of the tree had me looking like a peacock, with a palm limb or two poking up my butt. 

After that fiasco, we decided to stick with having the two of us in the picture together.  At least I wouldn’t feel and look so… uncomfortable…

So, I met Katherine at her house after work one day, and she took some “action” shots with her computer and webcam.  We just sat around her kitchen table, laughing and talking, and she captured some of that.

I’m happy with the shot we took together, because it captured our friendship and personalities in the picture…

Katherine wanted to add individual shots.  I encouraged her to send shots of herself, but leave me out of them…

Luckily, we ran out of time before she could change my mind…again.

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This Waiting is Driving Everyone Crazy!

Yeah.  Patience is not one of my virtues.  I need to be constantly moving forward on things.  Standing still and waiting for something to happen is not in my nature.

And this shortcoming of mine is driving everyone else around me crazy. 

Why?  Because I keep emailing, contacting, talking, searching, writing, and researching.  I keep jumping from one project to another, like a juggler.  I’m constantly doing something to keep this project moving and that project progressing and this other project going…

In my efforts to keep everything moving, I’ve expanded my circle of influence to include a number of other people, who find themselves in desperate need of a reprieve from my persistence.

Not to totally alienate myself from these new contacts, I’m trying to be patient.

I am managing to refrain myself from actually emailing anyone today, even though I’m continually checking my email account every hour for news from the publisher who is showing some interest in our Friendship book, for news from the therapists who have agreed to give us feedback on our teen book, or for news from parents who have offered to have their kids read and give us feedback on our children’s book.

It seems harder, today, to be content with sitting and waiting, because last week was so full of activity.  

I couldn't believe it!  Suddenly, everything started moving in different directions... as if each project had a life of its own.  This is great news and exactly what we are hoping for; but when it happens all at once... well, it makes it more difficult to juggle everything.

 What happened last week?

• The publisher, who asked for sample chapters, has written back and asked for the rest of the Friendship book.
• The therapist who was impressed with an audio clip — enough to say she’ll buy several copies of the book if it was anything like the clip — emailed back, wanting to meet with us once she reads the book.  She’s also asking questions about how we’re promoting ourselves and the book, and is indicating her desire to keep in contact with us through this process. 
• Friends of friends who are teachers and have published their own children’s books have come forward with suggestions and ideas as to how to get our children’s book viewed by educational publishers, which would open the doors to schools and homeschoolers.   This has prompted me to create a discussion aid for teachers and parents.  This will help with the interactive discussion that the book thrives on.
• The audio clip, “Self Defense Against Fear” is getting regular hits on the YouTube site. 
• People keep returning to this blog to follow our progress —and thank you very much, for doing that! 

Toward the end of last week, I was feeling somewhat overwhelmed by all the attention.  So, I had to take a step back, to try to get my thoughts organized and my hands around the separate projects that were going in various directions…

I’m a visual person, so I had to set everything down in front of me, so I could see the whole picture.  To do that, I got a huge piece of paper (around 16” x 21”) and created three columns (i.e., one for each project).   In the separate columns, I wrote where we were on each project, as well as my concerns and pending issues. 

With this new person, possibly, coming into the mix — the excited therapist — I also wanted to protect my self-interest in all of this.  To do that, I needed to be able to actually identify, clarify, and communicate what my goals are. 

Why am I doing all of this?  I’m sure more things will come to me, but this is a start:

• To have the freedom to stretch my creativity and have the ability to write on subjects that most interest me
• To be able to get our messages out in a positive and supportive manner that can help others
• To make a difference — to be an intricate and important part of this “movement” and enjoy this journey that we’re on
• Not to be harmed (financially, emotionally, physically, reputation-wise, etc.) by this endeavor
• To be able to make enough money from this to support me during my retirement years… until death does me in

Now… all that’s left to do is wait… and wait… and wait…

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A Cool Morning and Even Cooler Reception

I woke up early this Saturday morning—not because I wanted to, but because I had to.

You see, my fridge is on the fritz.

The refrigerator repairman had promised me he’d come by to check it out on Wednesday, but he didn’t.

He promised we’d get together on Friday, but he didn’t come by.

He promised he’d be here first thing this morning… early enough for breakfast…

I’m not sure what he’s expecting for breakfast, since my refrigerator is on the fritz.

In any case, I’m up early on a Saturday, waiting for my fridge-guy to show up at my front door, to fulfill all my wants, needs, and desires… as they pertain to the refrigerator, that is.

I’ve put everything else on hold for the day, so I can give this guy my full attention.  I’m willing to wait all day — well, a couple of more hours — before calling him, endlessly, until he picks up his phone to explain why he’s blowing me off, yet again!

Why am I letting this guy control my life, at least for today?  It’s because I need something from him.  It’s that self-interest thing again.

Unfortunately, it seems that I need him more than he needs me at the moment, which makes this relationship unbalanced.  He has all the power, which is why he’s holding all the cards and I’m waiting at the door for him, day after day...

So… this is my revelation of the day:  Relationships — and this goes for any type of relationship — is built on each participant needing something from the other. 

All you hard-core romantics may scoff at this, but a relationship — even an intimate, couple/partner relationship — only works if each gives something to the other and that “something” is actually what the other wants.  Once this give-and-take dynamic no longer exists, the relationship no longer exists.

Before you call me a heretic and hang me from my thumbs so I can’t write, think of your various relationships — at home, at work, at the supermarket, at church, at the gym, at support meetings, in volunteer associations, etc.  Each person is there to get something out of one or more persons in those various relationships…

We can’t get around the fact that we all want something from others, even if what we want is friendship, understanding, acceptance, support, love, intimacy, affirmation, encouragement, etc. 

If we can’t get what we want from the people in our current relationships, we go looking for those things elsewhere.

Understanding the fundamental driving force behind your various relationships — and that once you stop supplying what your partner needs, the relationship will end — will help you sustain an ongoing relationship or explain why the last relationship ended.

So, yeah… I’m not sure how much longer I’ll pin my hopes on this particular fridge-guy to come save me from my current predicament.  I may have to end this relationship and find one that will fulfill my needs.

Wish me luck.

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Sunday Morning Thoughts...

I’m having a great weekend!  Friday night I went out with some friends and made a fool of myself on the dance floor — line dancing for the first time.  Then Saturday morning I went to water aerobics, just to get to go to lunch with the water aerobics gang. Then, I came home to find a voice message waiting for me.  My teacher friend was in town for the weekend and wanted to get together for the rest of the day. 

I just got up today and who knows what this sunny Sunday will bring…

So, yeah!  I’m having a great weekend, thus far—which got me thinking of a conversation Katherine and I had just the other day.

She brought up the Myers Briggs Type Indicator—which is a series of multiple choice questions that are designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions.

The questions are very basic and unobtrusive.  If you want to read more about Myers Briggs, simply google “Myers Briggs personality tests” or something close to that.  If you want a quick overview of the 16 basic personality types, you can check out this link: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/high-level.html

Anyway, since then, Katherine has been looking for the 16 basic personality traits in people she meets.  She’s a very social and outgoing person, so she meets a lot of people, and this helps her identify with each person quickly.

So, she had me take the test and it wasn’t a surprise that one of my traits is that I am an introvert.

I think most writers fall into that category — where our thoughts are focused internally.

What’s interesting is that most people think introverts are antisocial… anti-social… against society.  I don’t agree with that belief — not at all.

I think there is a difference between the two.  Just because my inner world takes on a more dominate role in my behavior (e.g., I think first before acting; I need some private time for myself; and I prefer one-to-one communication and relationships), doesn’t mean that I shun social interaction.

Antisocial is defined as shunning the society of others; not sociable; hostile to the established social order; engaged in behavior that violates accepted mores…

So…yeah… there’s a difference between a person whose thoughts are directed inward and a person who is against society.

Oops… look at the time… This introvert has to get ready for another “social” day on her calendar… 




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Work Friendships

A friend of mine from work has decided to resign from our place of employment.  She’s in her mid-20s and is preparing for a new and exciting phase of her life — a phase in which our current place of employment no longer fits.

She’s been unhappy with our work environment for quite some time now and has been planning to leave… but this week, she actually stamped a date on this plan. 

When she announced the date— while it brought her relief, liberation, and closure on something she has been struggling with for a long time — it brought me to tears. 

Although I am very happy for her — because she has her whole life in front of her, which is full of new adventures and challenges — I am sad for myself.  I am sad, not because I’m left behind, but because I will miss my work-buddy.

I’ve learned over the years that work relationships are difficult to maintain outside of the work environment. 

Workplace friendships are so amazing!  We spend so much confined and concentrated time with our work-buddies that we can’t help but discover the good and bad behaviors of each individual — including the good and bad behaviors within ourselves.

Where else can we find an eclectic group of individuals forced to spend at least a third (if not more) of their lives together in the pursuit of making enough money to support the other two-thirds of their lives? 

These individuals do not “choose” their work-partners.  The working relationship is forged simply to supply some type of good or service to a paying public.  Most of the co-workers never knew each other before being corralled into their office cubicles and meeting rooms.

Because their sole purpose for being together is to make enough money to enjoy the rest of their lives, the friendships made here are mostly functional and somewhat superficial.  Although they call each other friends, they are merely business associates. 

Don’t get me wrong.  Some work acquaintances can develop into meaningful relationships, although not many follow that path.  The true test is when either I or one of my work buddies leaves the workplace.  Do we stay in touch?  Does the friendship survive after one of us is released from the corporate confinement of the cubicle?

My friend and I are soon to find out the answer to that question.  I think we have a better chance than most, because we value our friendship to each other… but life tends to get in the way of even the best-made plans and best of intentions…

What makes it so difficult to keep work friendships alive is that the ties that had bound the relationship together are no longer enforced.  There is no longer a common goal, a common code of conduct, or a common enemy.  Once a person is released from the chain-gang, rarely is there mention of the former cellmate.

This abandonment is devastating for most.  For so many people, their job defines who they are.  When I first meet a person, I introduce myself as what I do: I am an auditor, an editor, a housewife, a teacher, a student, a web designer, a performer, etc.  Take that identifier away from me and who am I?

When a person leaves a job, s/he not only leaves the income but the prestige — the title or identifier that came with the position.  If that is not depressing enough, add to that, when s/he loses the job, s/he also loses office friends — the people with whom s/he shared her/his work-life.  For a couple of weeks, there may be some emails going back and forth, but after that, silence — out of sight, out of mind.  It is sad to see how leaving a job translates to losing friends and losing your identity. 

I hope this doesn’t happen with my friend and me, because our friendship has become very addictive.  When my friend isn’t around, I feel an emptiness in me.  It hurts to lose contact with a true friend.  It isn’t easy to replace. 

So, yeah, although I’m happy for her, I’m sad for myself…



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Fingers Continued to be Crossed

Well, I dropped Ellen DeGeneres another update on our pursuits of becoming published. 

I told her about the English publisher who sent us a questionnaire to complete AFTER they read our Silhouette of a Friendship…From the Inside Out. 

I see that as a good sign… because why would they want more information about us if they could care less about the book?  No reason that I can think of…

I told her about contacting Teen Line and asking them if they wouldn’t mind giving us feedback on our teen book.  Their answer was very sad to me… not that they don’t have the time… but WHY they don’t have the time. 

Teen suicide is on the rise, and they have been dealing with more serious and frequent suicide attempts and… well, they are afraid that they wouldn’t be able to get to the book any time soon.

They got no argument from me.  I rather they spend their time helping the teens…

On a lighter note, our children’s book is being tested by kids.  Early feedback that’s coming in is that the kids love the book, the story, the characters, the lessons…  All great feedback!

So, we’ve just started sending samples to children’s book publishers, to see what they have to say.  I’m hoping they have a child’s heart… or, at the very least, some type of heart…

We’re keeping our fingers crossed…

Hopefully, Ellen is doing the same for us.

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The Blame Game

I need to let the sequel to the children’s book sit for a while before I go through it again to tweak sections and proof the book.  I’m fighting with the storyline.  It’s not where I want it to be, because I liked the first version so much better than this one — but I have to keep in mind our audience… I’m here to please them, not me…

That’s why it’s always good to have an objective second, third, or fourth person with “fresh eyes” to look at your material.  That person can see things that you can no longer see.  If you don’t have a second person to look at your work, then you should put it aside for a while to give your memory’s eye time to forget what it thinks it sees.  Then you can go back and see with “fresh eyes” — as if you’re that second person.

Anyway, that’s what I’m trying to do now… I’m trying to wait; and, as I told you before, patience is not my strong suit. 

In the meantime, I’m trying to think of a way to summarize this second book.  Basically, it deals with how hard it is for some to accept the consequences of their actions… while others accept the blame for things that are beyond their power to control.

It’s interesting to see this play out in reality.  If these two types happen to find each other, they may make a compatible team — one always blaming the other and the other willing to accept the blame — but for the most part, we simply pass that hot potato of blame down to some unsuspecting person further down the blame line...

Blaming others is contagious and is passed along like a virus.  Merely being exposed to someone blaming you of something causes you to want to turn around and blame someone else.  Blame is like that hot potato you pass down to the next player who gets burned.   The last person in line finds himself being blamed for some completely unrelated failure — to which he has no defense. 

If everyone in this game gets burned, why do so many people play along?

The motivations behind this blame game are natural. As we’ve said before, there is a human need to be accepted and liked.  Most people want to look good in the eyes of their friends, family, coworkers, etc., so they don’t want to bear the shame of being responsible for a problem — to be viewed as less than perfect.  In the workplace, being responsible for an error may carry with it penalties, such as reprimands, pay deductions, demotions, terminations, etc.  As a result, people will pass the blame on rather than dealing with it, which can be especially frustrating for people who are genuinely not involved with the issue.

The temptation is huge to keep passing the buck and point the finger elsewhere when you make a mistake — after all, everyone else does it.  Just because everyone else does it, doesn't make it the right thing to do.  Just because it’s easier to pass the blame on to someone else, doesn’t make it the right thing to do. 


Anyway... I'm thinking of starting the book with this little thought:

The Blame Game

I was told that

Every good story

Needs a bad guy

Someone to blame

Someone to dislike

Someone to fight against

But on whom do I place blame

When it’s me

Who is wrong?

Who do I dislike

When it’s me

Who has done the harm?

Who do I fight against

If it’s me

Who’s being mean?

On whom do I place blame

If it’s me

Who’s the bad guy?

Yes, who do I find to blame?

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I Want to Be a Big Rock!

Well, Katherine and I signed up for HARO.  Hundreds of queries come in every day, in the form of three emails.

It’s interesting to see what subjects capture reporters’ attention.  Online dating is a big one; business and finance is a huge category…

I did “pitch” for one of the queries, but I doubt I’ll get picked up.  The query dealt with email inbox hell… asking if you are disorganized and overwhelmed by your email inbox, and how that affects your business…

I added a spin to it… where I manage my emails, so I’m not overwhelmed, but my writing partner has a “different” way of managing hers, and somehow my emails always get pushed to the bottom and forgotten…  never to be responded or addressed…

Now, some may say that I’m pretty dense.  Don’t I get it?  My partner is sending me a signal that she finds my emails annoying and unimportant… and rather not deal with them or me…

My emails?  Unimportant?  Never!!!  

Me? Unimportant? Never!!!

I did tell her how I feel when she doesn’t respond to my emails.  She explained that her email box is so cluttered all the time that she tries to deal with the unimportant junk mail first, to declutter the box… then when she gets to my emails, there’s just no time to read them… although she thinks they are very important.  Instead of responding to my emails, she simply files them in her AM file, to be answered later... but later never comes.

So, she deals with the unimportant junk mail and files the important matters away — unread, unanswered, and unaddressed. 

This reminds me of the Stephen Covey exercise… Do the Big Rocks First.  The idea is that everyone has the same amount of hours in a day, week, month, etc.  This limited resource — your time — is represented by a bucket.  Within your time limitations, you have all these things you have to take care of — which are represented by rocks of various sizes.  The trick is how to fit all of the rocks into the bucket.

See what happens….Do The Big Rocks First!

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Letting Go

A co-worked just lost her father.  She came into work today, to help get her mind off of the emotions she’s experiencing.  I sat with her for a bit, to see if there was anything I could do for her.

She asked, “When will I stop crying?  It’s not like I didn’t know this day wasn’t coming.  He’s been ill.  I thought I had prepared myself for it, but when this day finally came… I wasn’t ready...”

When will she stop crying?  There’s no easy answer to that question.  As time passes, the pain will dull; but, then, something will trigger a memory, and she’ll find herself right back to today’s pain. 

Going through the stages of grief takes time.  It’s important to know that and take each day as it comes. 

As long as we know what we’re going through, we can find a way to function through it.  That’s all we can do — function through the grief.

Depending on the type of relationship you had with your loved one, you will experience these stages differently than others.  Usually, when people learn of the loss, they will react with shock and denial.  As the shock wears off, unbelievable pain will replace it.  They may feel guilt and remorse over what they did or didn’t do… what they should or shouldn’t have done.  This feeling of frustration gives way to anger.  They may lash out and blame others for the tragedy.  During this time, they can start to isolate themselves and become depressed.

But, as time passes, you’ll start to adjust to your “new normal” without your loved one.  Things will feel calmer and more organized. Your depression will begin to lift slightly.  You’ll start working through things again.  Your mind will start functioning as it used to.   After a while, you’ll learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. 

This doesn’t mean that you will be instantaneously happy, carefree, and untroubled as you were before the loss.  It only means that you are moving forward and defining a new normalcy of life for yourself… after the loss.

Letting Go


I remember you taking me to school
You carried my books part of the way
Your hand patted me on the back
As you pushed me through the door


I didn’t think I was ready but you took no notice
You knew it was time to let go
You slipped your hand away from mine
And let me go on without you


I remember you teaching me to ride a bike
You stayed close to me
Your big hand covering mine
As you helped me steer and balance


I didn’t think I was ready but you took no notice
You knew it was time to let go
You slipped your hand away from mine
And let me go on without you


I remember you teaching me to drive
You sat next to me
Your hand covering mine
As I tried to fit the car into the space


I didn’t think I was ready but you took no notice
You knew it was time to let go
You slipped your hand away from mine
And let me go on without you


I remember you teaching me the hardest lesson
It was on the day you died
When I took your hand in mine
And found out how hard it is to let someone go


I didn’t think I was ready but you took no notice
You knew it was time to let go
I slipped my hand away from yours
And let you go on without me

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Staying Connected

Bummer!  My primary email account has been down for hours, and it could be down for days!

This is a source of great frustration and irritation for me.  I feel out of touch with my friends because of it.  I feel like I’m missing something without it.  I feel like the world is passing me by! 

And that’s the email publishers would use to contact me!!

That’s the email Ellen DeGeneres would use to contact me as well!  What if... ?!

This is just TERRIBLE!  This is HORRIBLE!  I’m disconnected from humanity AND my future!

Excuse me a moment.  I need to take a deep breath and let it out, slowly…

OK.  I’m better now.  I'm back to reality.

Let’s be realistic.  Why would the publishers pick today, of all days, to shower me with offers?  Why wouldn’t Ellen just pick up the phone to call me, if she wanted to reach me?

Disconnected from humanity?! Good grief! 

I have people all around me at the office.  All I have to do is get up and walk the halls to connect with people. 

I have a phone.  All I have to do is pick it up and call someone.

I have other email accounts that are working.  All I have to do is use those.

I’m on Facebook.  I have a car.  I’m able to get in it and drive to wherever there are people.

So, why do I feel disconnected when just one of my email accounts isn’t working today?  Granted, it is the main one, but still…

It’s only one means of communicating.  I’m surrounded by so many others ways of connecting — other ways that are more personal.  I know all of this, but it doesn’t stop me from checking to see if the primary email is back up.

This is because being connected is such a very strong need that we all have.  We have that primal need to connect with someone or someone(s) — whether it is on a personal, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual level.  We need that connection with another person or persons. 

We are social beings and survive hardships with the help of others.  Life isn’t easy, and it’s even more difficult if you try to go through it alone. 

Sadly, with the advent of cyberspace, many have chosen to close themselves off from the real world and hide in the virtual worlds created with computers.

I see teens and “grown-ups” spending hours and hours on their computers and virtual online games — trying to leave the real world behind them.  Many are wasting their lives away behind their computer screens.  In doing so, they have created financial, relationship, and health issues for themselves.

Don’t get me wrong!  Playing and interacting with others on the computer can be a healthy diversion and an educational experience.  It can help develop social connections and even provide a safe training ground for developing technical and social skills needed in the real world — but the point is to transfer those skills to the real world.

The Internet and online games allow us to experience things that we would never have been able to experience in our own little worlds.  We can meet people from around the globe — people we would never have been able to meet otherwise (for example, all of you).

In the right environment, this virtual reality can provide perspective, support, hope, acceptance, guidance, and affirmation that are missing from our physical environment. 

While this experience can help develop social connections, it can also cut you off from interacting with the people around you in the real world — especially if you spend too much time in that other world. 

That other world can also be a very dangerous world.  In this virtual world, it is easy for people to betray you — to pretend to be something other than what they are… predators. 

Just as in the real world, you need to choose your friends carefully.  Be cautious of what you share when conversing with unknown individuals in various Internet chat rooms or online dating establishments, blogs, message boards, games, forums, etc.  Don’t give out personal information to someone you don’t know. 

If those you meet online — or offline, for that matter — tell you not to tell others about them, then they are not to be trusted.  They are not being honest with you, no matter how nice and honest they sound.  Don’t go out to meet these people.  Tell your family, friends, or someone in authority about these people, because their end game is to steal your money, betray your trust, and, possibly, take your life. 

Yes.  This virtual world can be just as dangerous and harmful to us as the real world is. 

Gosh… I have no idea how I got on that soapbox, and I apologize.  I better stop now… and go check to see if my email account is back up yet. 

P.S.  My email is back up... but no emails from publishers and none from Ellen, either. 

  

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