Romantic vs. Genuine Love

In the last four posts, we told a bit of a love story… that ended as soon as expectations and needs started to seep in.  The romance of “falling in love” quickly died as soon as “effort” was introduced.

That’s because many define love as a feeling.  They desire to be “in love”— and wonder why they fall out of love as quickly as they’ve fallen in love.

You may be surprised to hear this, but genuine love is not a feeling, and the desire to love is not, itself, love. 

Love is an act of will.  Love is full of intent and action.   

Love is a choice…a choice to go beyond your personal boundaries, expose yourself to others, and invite and accept them into your “self.”  To do this, you must empty yourself, to make room for others. 

Love takes dedication, attention, intention, acceptance, respect, trust, openness, commitment, vulnerability, etc. 

Love takes effort and work… lots and lots of effort and work!

In “The Road Less Traveled,” Dr. M. Scott Peck defines love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”

Think back to our little love story — one that has played out in reality over and over again.

We go out on dates, looking for romance, searching for Mr. or Ms. Right.  On these adventures, we focus on revealing only our “best selves”— which must mean that we’re just as determined to hide some “other” parts of ourselves…

In doing so, we create a perfect fantasy world occupied and populated by illusions — avatars of ourselves — of who we are and who we want others to be.   If we’re successful, we can quickly fall in love with this game…

We can stay in this utopia, as long as all our players perform their scripted parts that keep the illusion effective.

But once someone deviates from the script… once someone adds his or her personal expectations to the mix… once effort, commitment, and desire to develop this relationship into something more than a romantic fantasy is introduced — this virtual love affair starts to dissipate…

The magic disappears and the stabilizing ground beneath us begins to crumble…

We’re falling… falling… falling out of love.

Although it takes two to keep any type of relationship going, it only takes one to dissolve it.

Which person in this story is to blame for the destruction of the relationship? 

Was it the person who refused to move forward — who wanted to keep things the way they were…or was it the person who wanted to change the relationship into something different — who wanted to bring it into the real world? 

Was it the person who wanted to live in the romantic, fantasy—free of commitment and attachment… or was it the person who wanted to work toward genuine love?

And the answer is…

 

Neither is to blame for the end… Simply put:  Each had different and incompatible needs to be fulfilled in the relationship…

Every relationship lasts for as long as it is needed — and then it transforms itself into another form…

When a relationship comes to its natural end, there will be pain and tears… 

We take away from relationships what we put into them — as little or as much.  We grow and bring what we’ve learned from each relationship to other relationships. 

So, no one is to blame for the end of a relationship…nor should there be any regrets.

But make no mistake, genuine love takes continual and shared commitment from all involved.  It takes effort and work… lots and lots of effort and work!

.

It’s Just a Story: Virtual Love Affair – Part 4

I don’t know what it was that we had, but I am told that every relationship lasts for as long as it is needed — and then transforms itself into another form… once it completes its life-cycle. 

I am told that when a relationship comes to its natural end, there will be pain and tears, but there should be no regrets. 

I am told that we take away from the relationship what we put into it.  We grow and bring what we’ve learned to other relationships. 

I am only beginning to understand the wisdom behind these words. 

I take full responsibility for my actions … for the part I played in all of this.  I don’t regret the affair.  I don’t regret loving you.  I will always love you.

I’ve experienced so much in the time we’ve spent together — more joy and pain than I could ever have imagined.  I wouldn’t trade a moment of it.  I don’t regret a moment of it.

This experience has made me a better person, and I thank you for that.

Yes... I guess it is appropriate that our last contact is through this portal.  After all, this is where we first met. 

And I have no idea if you’ll receive this message.  I have no idea if you’ll even take the time to read through the whole thing, but I hope you do.

If you ever find yourself in need of a friend, my door is always opened to you.

Wishing you well…

Logging out.

 .

It’s Just a Story: Virtual Love Affair – Part 3

Yes, our relationship was very real.  The ecstasy and love were as real as the heartaches, the pain, and the betrayals that came along with it.  

Once I started placing my needs into the relationship, it started to fall apart.  Once expectations started to seep in, the shadows of realism started to creep in, as well. 

It was in the light of day that I realized you weren’t who you said you were.  When we were face to face, you didn’t hold the confidence you portrayed in the game.  You weren’t the protector you pretended to be. 

No… you were only those things in the game.

You were, instead, a lonely and lost boy, looking for someone to show him the way. 

In the light of day, I understood what you needed from me, and I was more than willing to give myself to you.  I could have been your strength.  I could have guided you out of your darkness, just as you guided me through the game.  I wanted to protect you from your nightmares and your demons.  I wanted to protect you… from yourself.

But you were unwilling to accept my strength, my support, and my love.  You felt leaning on someone else was being weak.  You saw it as being less of a man.  You’d rather stand alone, free from attachment, free from commitment, than be with me.   You’d rather retreat back into your fantasy world and leave reality behind… leaving me behind, as well.  

You fought against me.  With your sharp sword of words, you cut me out of your life.  You avoided my calls, my texts, my emails — my pleas for contact and comfort. 

I had to face the fact that — as hard as I tried — I couldn’t sustain what we had… not on my own.  I couldn’t sustain the magic we once held.  I couldn’t do it on my own. 

But at the same time, I didn’t like feeling our connection slipping from my hands.  I wanted to hold on to it, because I was sure that I would never experience that depth of love, emotions, and connection with any other person.  I would never feel that way again… and I wasn’t ready to give that up… 

I knew that I would never be able to replace what we had together.

And that was when I realized I had to let go of what we had…

I was holding on to the dream of what we had…

“What we had” is gone now, so it is futile to long for something that I can never have again. 

This longing for you holds no logic — only pain for me.

Was it because our connection was so spontaneous and our passion so intense that our relationship couldn’t sustain our need for each other?

Was the intensity of our feelings not stable enough to function outside of the fantasy?

Is it that fantasy has its own place, and when it tries to cross over to the real world, it loses its enchantment? 

Does realism dissolve the shadowy dream we created by our longings and desires?

.

It’s Just a Story: Virtual Love Affair – Part 2

As we progressed through this game, we reached higher and higher levels together.  Our fantasy world became real to us.  We shared ourselves, first, through the game and, then, through online chats and webcam meetings. 

We shared ourselves through texting, then sex-texting, then pictures, then videos.  Harmless flirtations became declarations of love and devotions.  We planned clandestine meetings, so no one could stop us… no one would know… no one could ruin it.

We hid the truth from ourselves as much as we hid the truth from our loved ones.

Those who knew about our affair questioned the logic of the relationship.  They wanted me to think about what I was getting myself into... but that’s what they didn’t understand.  Thinking and feeling can’t coexist at the same time.  When you’re thinking, you’re not feeling; and when you’re feeling, you’re not thinking.  We couldn’t question the logic behind what we were experiencing. 

No one else could understand that, nor could they understand the depths of our feelings… the depth of our connection… the depth of our trust and closeness. 

I was convinced that no one could feel as deeply as we could.  There was no couple as strong and devoted to each other as we were.

No… no one could understand, because no one has ever experienced what we had.

Our fantasy became reality, and our reality became fantasy.  Nothing or no one could break our bond. 

We explored our inner selves as much as we explored each other.  We learned so much from each other.  We grew as individuals as well as a couple.  I couldn’t imagine a life without you in it.  We were intertwined from the inside out…

For me, nothing existed but you. The outside world disappeared.  I neglected my family and friends.  My integrity was questioned.  My reputation suffered.  In fact, I lost my job over this affair, but I didn’t care.  I didn’t care about anything… but you. 

As long as we were together… as long as we had each other…nothing else mattered.

 

I was so sure that our love would last that I started to make plans for us.  I started to share my daily life with you — my routines, my frustrations, and my hopes and dreams.  I started to turn to you for support and comfort.  I started to depend on you to be there with me… through it all. 

Yes, this relationship was real for me. No one could convince me otherwise.  I put everything on the line for it.  I was sure that I would never experience a love like this again, so I surrendered my will to yours. 

I loved you with all my being and knew that I would always love you.  

.