Eavesdropping Through Facebook

The other day, I stumbled upon something … uncomfortable.

I was on Facebook, and was reading a comment from one of “my” friends asking if something she was responding to was a joke or not.

I’m always up for a good joke, so I followed her post back to her friend’s wall — and followed up the string of comments to get to the start of the joke.

Here is where it got uncomfortable…

 

The actual initial post was from a woman who was very upset with her husband for spending so much time on Facebook… that the only way to talk to him is to post, publicly, her dissatisfaction with their marriage… hoping that he will read it… and respond… since they no longer speak to each other in person.

A number of her caring friends chime in, giving her support… followed by her husband’s heated and degrading response… followed by the wife’s hurt and debasing response back… followed by more friends trying to calm down the verbal domestic feud that was playing out in front of their eyes.  This went on and on — getting more and more intense and insulting with each post.

Again, I have no idea who these people are.  I just clicked onto a post MY friend had left, which suggested that there was a joke being told… or played on someone.

And I started wondering if this couple was actually playing a joke on their friends, as my friend suspected.

Just a couple of days prior to this post, I had read an article on another one of my social online networks.  It outlined how to break up with someone — and no, it wasn’t full of hate and anger.

Basically, it listed a bunch of things to do and not to do — all focusing on treating the other person with respect — no matter who and why you’re breaking up.

I began to wonder if the two events were connected, somehow.

Even though I didn’t know this couple, we had our mutual friend… and — most probably — are on the same social online networks…

So, I began to wonder if they ran into the same article as I did — because they were managing to do everything the article had said NOT to do…and doing it in such a public manner.

• They listed each other’s character flaws.  [Don’t do that.]
• They were talking about breaking up in the heat of a fight.  [Don’t do that.]
• They were being insulting, condescending, and belittling.  [Don’t do that.]
• They blamed the other and deflected responsibility from themselves.  [Don’t do that.]
• They splattered the details of their breakup all over the Internet (well, on Facebook).  [Don’t do that.]
• They were forcing their (Facebook) friends to choose sides, as it were.  [Don’t do that.]

No… No…No…

The more I thought about it the more I thought my friend was right… This had to be a joke.

Too much of a coincidence.  This had to be a joke.

The next time I got together with my friend, I asked about this couple on Facebook.  She’s not sure but she really thinks it’s all a joke, because this couple is always playing jokes on each other… and it seems that this joke has expanded out to their friends.  Plus, their profile pictures haven’t changed—which was the two of them in a loving embrace.  Both his and her profile pictures were the same… and united in that way.

Yeah… sounds like a joke was being played…

A couple of days later, I got curious and tried to find the link back to that post, but it has disappeared…

Yeah… sounds like a joke had been played…

It serves me right for eavesdropping through Facebook…

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Getting Back on Track…

Katherine was out of town when she texted me several days ago.

Basically, her text informed me that her way was the right way and I was wrong…

That would be fine, if it wasn’t the fact that she and I have been working on these joint projects together — for several years, now — and what she wrote totally disregarded and disrespected my position.  She implied that I was incapable of achieving her level of awesomeness...

So, yeah… I had an issue with what she wrote.  I'm funny like that.  

I wrote back, telling her as much… 

She never responded.

Since I thought we had a major issue to resolve between us, I was a bit tense when — days later — we were to meet over our projects.  If we couldn’t respect each other’s views, then I saw a need for an exit strategy.

As I walk in for our meeting, I see Katherine relaxed on the couch.  She realizes that I’m tense, but has no idea why.  She asks where I was in my cycle… wondering if I was PMS-ing or something.

I ask her to re-read her last text to me.

She does… and agrees that she could see how I could become upset with what she wrote.  

She would like me to forget about the text.  Pretend it never existed — that she never sent it.

She admits that it was a terribly worded text and it does not represent what she was trying to say. 

She explains what was going on and what she was feeling when she wrote it, and what she really meant to say…  The way it came out was not what she was meaning to say.

As she explains herself better, it reaffirms the wisdom behind giving her the role of speaker — and giving me the role of writer...

At the end of it all, we’re still on the same page; we’re still on track and ready to move forward. 

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Why Can't We Just All Get Along?

From Johnny Hart's classic strip, B.C.



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Calling in the Cavalry

Sunday night, I was sitting on the couch, staring into space… trying to hold back the tears…while wondering how to get myself out of the downward spiral I found myself slipping into.

I knew I couldn’t keep up the pretense of successful managing everything with Mom, her house’s flooding issues, the insurance claim due to the flooding, the remodeling of the damaged rooms because of the water damage (which should be done before Mom leaves rehab), the increasing number of doctors’ appointments for Mom, Mom’s financial concerns — oh, yeah… and my full-time job, my own house’s maintenance/financial issues, and my personal commitments that have nothing to do with what’s going on with Mom.

In a trance, I reached for the phone and dialed my sister’s number.  I had no idea what I was about to say to her, but I dialed her number, anyway.

It was a very short conversation.  I was too close to tears to say much.

I asked her if it was possible for her to come down this weekend. 

She didn’t ask anything of me.  She simply said that she’d make the plane reservations…

And we hung up from each other.

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Throw in the Kitchen Sink!

 

Well, I’m still juggling a lot of precious figurines — one being my mother, who is still at rehab.

This week, the plumbing under her kitchen sink busted and water started flooded her house.  Because Mom’s not at the house, we didn’t know of the problem until Mom’s caregiver went by to pick up the mail and check on the pool.

Now, we’re dealing with the insurance company, the cleaning/drying crew, the insurance adjuster, and Mom’s anxiety over all of this…

And what’s getting me through this is the fact that I’m not dealing with all of this on my own.

Mom’s sister-in-law and her family have stepped in and are helping us get through all of this.  Mom’s caregiver is also making herself available to let people in and out of the house as necessary.  My supervisor at work is allowing me to leave when I need to, to deal with this situation as well as all of Mom’s various doctors’ appointments.

People at work are giving me emotional support as well.  They let me vent.  They acknowledge that they can’t change anything for me, but they are on my side and they’ve been there.  They reassure me that I’ll get through this… one day at a time…

I know they’re right — but I really didn’t need the kitchen sink to be thrown in, on top of everything else…

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Narcissism

I’ve been thinking about narcissism ever since a close friend of mine mentioned that another friend of hers accused her of being a narcissist.

Well… my friend does have a heighten sense of self-awareness.  She knows what she wants and needs; and she focuses her energy toward getting those wants and needs met.  In short, she takes on the responsibility of taking care of herself.

And, to be a well-adjusted and healthy person, shouldn’t we all be aware of what we need and want?  If we don’t take care of ourselves, how would we have the energy and ability to take care of others?  And who should take on the responsibility of caring for ourselves, if it’s not us?  

Aren’t we responsible for our own happiness?

So, where do we draw the line between supporting a healthy self-image and being a narcissist?

In answering that question for myself, I came across the article, “How to Spot a Narcissist.” by Samuel López De Victoria, Ph.D.  In his article, he makes a definite distinction between a “healthy narcissist” and an “extreme narcissist.”  

As with everything else, we have to strike a balance.  We all have to have some amount of narcissism in our nature.  This is what defines our personal preferences, aspirations, and needs, and propels us to success — in however we define success. 

To support a healthy sense of self, we must respect and honor our needs as much as we respect and honor the needs of others.

In the case of an extreme narcissist, the healthy sense of self has morphed into an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with one’s self — to the exclusion and detachment of others.  When this happens, the person is considered to have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

In this personality disorder, narcissism takes on the form of “being totally absorbed in self.”  The person is the center of his or her own universe — eventually cutting others off and becoming emotionally isolated. 

To an extreme narcissist, you are an object to be used.  Once he or she no longer has use for you, you are no longer desired, wanted, or sought.  The narcissist will cut you off — identifying you as an untrustworthy person who can harm the narcissist.

Although the causes of this disorder are largely unknown, some believe that they arise from children who were over-indulged and spoiled — and from children who experienced conditional love based on performance criteria (e.g., strict parents giving praise only for good grades will raise a child who learns not to trust anyone but himself for emotional soothing).

Dr. López De Victoria’s view is that Narcissistic Personality Disorder “usually starts with a significant emotional wound or series of them culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment…. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood.”

The trauma was so shattering that it essentially killed these people emotionally.  To protect themselves from any further hurt, extreme narcissists will isolate themselves from emotional and relational contact. They’ll construct protective barriers that’ll keep the external world of people away from them.  They believe that all people are harmful and untrustworthy. 

What causes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder may be unclear, but its symptoms are pretty clear.  They include:

• Reacting to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation
• Taking advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
• Having excessive feelings of self-importance and obsessive self-interest
• Exaggerating achievements and talents
• Being preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, intelligence, or ideal love
• Needing constant attention and admiration
• Disregarding the feelings of others and having little ability to feel empathy
• Pursuing mainly selfish goals

After reviewing this list, it becomes clear to me where the line is drawn between supporting a healthy self-image and being an extreme narcissist.

It’s how we view and treat others.  Do we respect and honor others as much as we do ourselves?

If the answer is, No — then we’ve crossed that line.

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Safe People

I just ran into this term and its definition, and I really like it.

"Safe People: People who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self."

Wouldn’t that be awesome — to be defined as a safe person by others?!

It makes me think about how lucky I am to have a number of safe people surrounding me.

Just think how different the world would be, if everyone was surrounded by safe people and was a safe person for others? 

I can't imagine anything better than that.  Can you? 

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Intent

Things seem to be at a standstill with our various projects — and I can’t stay in a holding pattern for very long before I get antsy and find some creative distraction to entertain me…and I have...

I’ve turned my attention back on the “teen book” that I started last year (during another holding pattern of mine).

With everything that has happened over this past year, we’ve decided to revamp and broaden the focus of this second book.  With this book, we want to encourage everyone — teens and adults, alike — to live life to the fullest.  The book is intended to help us identify and deal with common hurdles and barriers that prevent us from following our dreams — which are the same hurdles and barriers that are preventing us from allowing others into our lives and hearts.

We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us on this second book, so it’ll be awhile before you’ll see it out — and you don’t need to wait on us before you start on your journey, but I want to caution you on something … 

Before running full-speed ahead with anything, we really need to understand the intent behind our actions.  Are we propelling ourselves to a new phase in our lives… or are we running away from our past? 

The intent behind our actions is important because it’s our intent that leads us to our ultimate outcome. 

For example, when we’re running away from something or someone, we’re focusing on getting away — and not on where we’re actually heading.  We just want to be someplace else or with someone else.  It doesn’t matter where else and with whom — just that it’s not the place or person we’ve just left.  By focusing on what we’re running away from, we can easily run right into a situation much worse than the one we’ve just left.

On the other hand, if we’re running toward something or someone, we’re looking forward to what’s ahead of us — not at what’s behind us.  We’re focusing on the future… and not on the past.

Another thing to keep in mind:  Like it or not, we’re not an island unto ourselves.  We need to take others into consideration whenever we make an important decision.  

This doesn’t mean we ignore our dreams; it means we have to be smart in the way we achieve them.  Our intent needs to focus on achieving our dreams without doing harm to ourselves or others.

Because everything is interrelated, everything we do affects others.  This means that every encounter, every decision, and every consequence to our actions affects others. 

Therefore, in everything we do, our intent must be focused on harming no one — i.e., ourselves or others — in whatever we pursue. 

That’s why, before you set off on your new adventure, it’s important to understand the intent and motive behind your actions — and focus them in the right direction. 

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Family Tree

I hesitate to get into this subject… but I will. 

Over the centuries, civilization has idealized the “family” into an image that none of us can live up to — where the unconditional love of a mother’s kiss and embrace soothes all wounds, where the protective but compassionate arm of the father wards off evil and solves all problems, where sisterly/brotherly love covers the world with daisies and candy… and where everyone lives happily ever after…

Yeah… right…

Striving for such perfection in a family is unachievable — just like striving for individual perfection is unachievable. All we can hope for is to do the best we can with what we're given.

So, let me introduce a less poetic — but more realistic — view of “family” and see if this makes more sense...

Every family is dysfunctional in some way.

Let’s face it.  Families are made up of imperfect human beings who are struggling to balance their self-interests against others — those inside and outside of the group.  Family members are also dealing with events that are totally out of their control — no matter how hard they fight against that reality. 

If we, as individuals, have a hard time dealing with these issues, how does a group of “us-es” manage to do it…. and do it successfully? 

The honest answer is… we don’t.

Yes.  Every family is dysfunctional in some way; and it’s in the way we manage this "dysfunctionality" that defines us. 

For the majority of us, it’s through the family’s bond that we, as children, learn about physical security and emotional connections.  It was our parents who taught us the meanings of words like love, hug, kiss, and good… along with the words like hurt, hit, disappoint, bad, no-No-NO, and STOP. 

Just like we learned from our parents, our parents learned from theirs, and they from theirs, and so on.  The further back we go in this heritage-chain the more we understand how we got here.

Generations ago, families dealt with the Great Depression, the Great War, religious persecution, political turmoil, ethnic prejudice, hate crimes, etc.  Some dealt with their plights by becoming determined and self-reliant, journeying to new lands to start over, struggling to control their external environment — while burying their vulnerability and emotional needs deep inside.  Some dealt with their troubles by blaming others (e.g., the government, their employers, their families, etc.).  Some turned inward... separating themselves from society — escaping into addictions or picking up criminal or other destructive behaviors. 

Although different in their approaches, they each picked paths that prevented them from openly connecting with others — within and outside the family unit. 

And these are the ancestors that have cultivated our family trees.

Today, we’re dealing with similar economic turmoil, wars that elicit multinational involvement, religious persecution, political turmoil, ethnic prejudice, hate crimes, etc.  Without much thought and effort, we follow the paths of our ancestors. 

Sons follow in their dads’ footsteps — starting their own families and working long hours, to financially provide for the family; daughters follow in their moms’ footsteps — managing the home, while maintaining another job or two outside the home; the children are sent off to school and after-school facilities and branch out on their own — while wishing that their dads were rooted in protection and masculine guidance more and that their moms’ limbs were soothing and nurturing more…

And the members of this circle are all wishing that they were being seen and appreciated for who they are, and not just for what they do.  They want to share themselves with someone, but no one stops long enough to listen.  They want to feel loved, but no one has a clue as to what love is.

Yes, over the centuries, civilization has idealized the "family" into an image that none of us can live up to.  And over the years, these unfulfilled expectations have brought with them feelings of inadequacy, failure, guilt, blame, regrets, insecurities, abandonment, betrayal, etc. ... all because imperfect human beings failed at being the "perfect family."
 

Yes, without much thought and effort, we can follow the paths of our ancestors — and continue to blame  each other...

           … or we can stop the cycle.

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Choices That Keep Us Apart

I ran into an acquaintance the other day.  He spent our time together complaining about just how very busy he’s been…

He's working 7 days a week — 12-to-14 hours a day.  During his time off, he's volunteering at his church — becoming a member of its finance committee.  

Now, he has to post the weekly contributions and generate monthly statements for each contributing member of the church.  He has to go to the monthly meetings and review financials with the members.

On top of that, he has to make quarterly presentations to the assembly — to let everyone know where their tithing is going and to encourage them to give even more.

And, for some reason, he felt obligated to help his third cousin's ex-wife's brother's next-door neighbor with another time-consuming project... so he has to do that.

It would be one thing if he was enjoying what he was doing, but from our conversation, it doesn't seem to be the case — at least, that's what he's telling me…


He complains that all these other obligations are pulling him away from his family and friends.  He has no time for those closest to him, and they are giving him a hard time over it — and there's nothing he can do about it.  Why can't they understand?!
 
As I listened to him, I wondered if he realized that he didn’t have to do all these “things.”  He was actually choosing to do them over other things.

He’s chosen to do all these things, which makes him too busy to spend time with his wife and two boys or visit with his extended family and friends — and he's getting flak from all of them because of it.  

He disagreed.  Obviously, I don't understand the pressures he's under.  He feels so trapped and pressured by everyone around him, and he doesn't like it.  Why can't they just leave him alone?  How did he get to this point?

I felt the depth of his frustration, but his frustration stems from the consequences of his choices.  These consequences are what are feeding his feelings of being trapped and pressured.  

To stop his spiraling anxiety, he would have to be willing to change his decision-making pattern — and make different choices.  When I suggested this, he gave me a list of reasons why he couldn't stop doing what he's doing.  After all, he has to do all these things.  That's what no one seems to get!! 

As I left him, I wished him the best — and was reminded that it's our choices that keep us apart from each other.

 

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What Bugs Me?

I walked into one of the opened office rooms where a small group had gathered around Julie.  They were all staring at her sweater’s sleeve.  I asked what was so intriguing on the sleeve.

“A bug,” came the response.

So, we had five people staring at the sleeve of the sixth person, contemplating the fate of this tiny, little bug that ended up in the wrong place…

After (what seemed to be) endless minutes, the conclusion was to take the bug outside and release it into nature, to be set free to enjoy its remaining days in sunlight — something us “office-folks” long for on a daily basis…

Watching this group from afar, I couldn’t help but think how sad it was that contemplating and guiding — if not controlling — this bug’s life on a sweater’s sleeve gave us more intellectual stimulation and life’s purpose than our jobs.

 That’s what bugs me…

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It’s Not Just Business

     

Do you remember when I reached out to a handful of local therapists last year — asking if they would have the time to give me some feedback on our “teen” book? 

Recently, I touched base with one of them and gave her an update on everything that was going on with us.  She was very excited about our progress and wanted to set up a meeting with us and her boss — to brainstorm on how their practice could help promote our books and give us feedback and test our stuff. 

I passed all of this news to Katherine.  It turned out that Katherine knew of this therapist through a mutual friend and was excited over the idea of collaborating with the group.

So, we set a time to meet with the therapist and her boss — thinking a brainstorming session of 4 would be beneficial.

Boy!  Were we surprised when we were ushered into their conference room and came face-to-face with about 10-12 people, sitting around a table, eating their lunch. 

Once they made room for us around the table and introduced themselves to us, they started interviewing us — with questions dealing from number of years we’ve been doing this, how much our type of work was worth, what our fee structure was for sessions and workshops, what education and certifications we had, what documentation and billing systems we had for workshops and presentations… and the questions went on and on…

Imagine how we felt when we’re expecting a 4-person interactive brainstorming session, and instead, we walk into a 12-person tag-team group interview!!

By the end of the interview, the group proposed that they promote a relationship workshop based on the book, for a maximum of 20 people (to be held in their conference room) — charging a fixed price per person and splitting the revenue.  They also wanted bios and pictures to post on their website, along with a date for the workshop.  They wanted to write up a contract for the workshop, with their fee breakdown for the use of their space and their promotional efforts.  After all, they are in the business to make money — as they reminded us. 

They were also very interested in working with Katherine regarding her solo business — which is separate from our joint writing ventures. 

As you can imagine, we left their office feeling a little dizzy and juggling mixed feelings.

The meeting was enlightening, to say the least.  It did make us think about things we hadn’t thought about before.  The business-like approach this therapist group took with us solidified our own desire to focus on the personal side of connecting with others — especially in the way we approach our work and how we partner with others.

For us, it’s not just business…

It’s all about… well, what it’s always been about… relationships.

I don’t understand why, but most people separate their business persona from their personal one.  They’ll conduct themselves differently at work than at home.  You hear it all the time:  “It’s not personal; it’s business,” — as if there’s a separation between the two… as if there are different rules to follow… as if we’re not relating with each other in both settings.

No… we shouldn’t separate the two.  All of us are in the business of relating — or at least we should be.  That’s the only way to do business. 

So, I’m not quite sure how the relationship with this therapist group will develop and grow.  Since presentations and workshops are Katherine’s domain, I’ll let her take the lead on this.  If she wants to pursue this avenue for our joint venture, I’m with her.  If she doesn’t want to do it, I’m with her.  If she just wants to deal with this group for her solo business, I’m with her.  If she wants do the relationship workshop to open an access to other network opportunities, I’m with her.  Whatever she wants to do, I’m with her.  

No.  For us, it’s not just business; it’s about relationships.

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How Exactly Do I Do That?

I’m frustrated, annoyed, agitated, and irritated with choir practice tonight.  I know I need to let go of these feelings… but the question is:  How exactly do I do that?

Have you ever struggled with something new — in front of a group of people — and failed miserably with it? 

Have you shared your feelings of failure with the group and have a person in the group make fun of you for it? 

Have you ever wanted to tell that person that if he had a caring bone in his body, he would have offered a supportive hand instead of a kicking foot?

Have you ever wanted to say something to a person but was afraid you’d be viewed as a jealous jerk of a joke, who deserves the ridicule? 

Have you ever been afraid of voicing your opinion for fear that you’ll be seen as the very reflection of your nemesis?

Yeah… these are the feelings I’m struggling with at the moment…

I know I have no control over anyone else — only myself — and I’m not doing a very good job at that tonight. 

I know I need to let these feelings go and move on… but the question is:   How exactly do I do that?

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Secure and at Peace

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this secure and at peace. 

I know this feeling won’t last for very long.  Things will churn up again; fires will need to be put out; something or someone will make me question my choices and intentions… 

I know this, but for today, I’m feeling secure and at peace.

What makes today different?

Well, yesterday, my new neighbor made it a point to let me know that I could call him and his wife whenever I needed help.  As a single woman, this assurance is worth more than a pot of gold.

The day before that, I met a very nice couple, who was starting their lawn maintenance business.  Even though our relationship is based on business, it's still comforting to know that I can call them for help with the house.

The day before that, I let a stranger disorient me a bit — and not in a good way.  He contacted me through one of those online dating sites.  His profile stated that he was a Christian counselor, and he reached out to me because he felt that he and I had a lot in common. I wrote him back and answered his questions.

In his second email, he confessed and apologized for his initial thoughts about me.  At first, he didn’t believe I was who I said I was.  He thought I wasn’t a real person, but someone who created an open and positive profile for the sole purpose of baiting and using people.  After I responded to his inquiry, he realized his mistake and apologized for his initial thoughts.

What is it in my openness that this counselor finds intimidating — intimidating to the point that he felt compelled to attack my genuineness?  I also wonder how many other “professional counselors” would question my sincerity and motives.

Do you know how painful it is to open yourself up to others and have them tell you they don’t believe you?

So... yeah... that day didn’t start out so good for me.

But, later that afternoon, I shared the Christian counselor’s confession and my self-doubts with Katherine.  She made an interesting observation.  She wondered how effective he was as a counselor, if he uses the same techniques on his patients.  How open and comfortable will people be with him?

As for my doubts about what we’re doing, Katherine has no doubts.  This experience just reveals that we have something to share with others that professional counselors may not be able to envision…

So, yeah… it’s because of these wonderful and supportive people surrounding me, that I feel so secure and at peace, today.

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The Business of Relating

A couple of weeks ago, I had an interesting encounter with a cousin of mine.  He wanted my opinion before contacting his lawyer.

He had retained this lawyer to help him with a personal matter, and now that the situation has been resolved — and satisfactorily, he admits — he wanted to close his account with the lawyer.  To facilitate that, he emailed the lawyer a request for an accounting of his charges and a return of the portion of the retainer that still remained in his account.

The lawyer did as he was asked and sent an accounting of the charges — showing a remaining balance of $500 — but, as he told my cousin before, the retainer was nonrefundable.

This was what had gotten my accountant cousin so upset.  He felt that he should be able to get the unused portion back.  The lawyer had taken advantage of him by taking something that did not belong to him — something that he had not earned.   

To make his point, he drafted an email and wanted me to review it before sending it.

 

In the email, he shared his frustration.  He went as far as to write that he felt betrayed by this professional who was supposed to be a trusted advocate and advisor.  He proceeded to tell the lawyer everything that was wrong with the accounting practices within his firm… and if he wanted other clients to feel just as betrayed as he did, then continue on his current path.

As I finished reading, my cousin added that he's so upset that he's prepared to go on the Internet, share his complaint through various social networks, and  lead a negative campaign to stop this small law practice from stealing money from other unsuspecting and trusting souls. 

Yes, he’s ready to destroy this man’s practice over $500 — because it’s the principle of the thing.

I listened… and listened… and listened.  When he was done, I asked a question.

From what he told me, the lawyer is competent, easy to talk to, and genuine.  He prevented my cousin from having to go to court and saved untold court costs and other legal fees in the process.  The only issue he seems to have is his wanting to close the account before the remaining $500 is used up. 

If that’s the issue, is there another legal matter that this firm could help him with, thereby using up the $500 instead of forfeiting the retainer?

The main question is:  If the lawyer did a good job for him, does he really want to sever that relationship? 

If he sends the email as drafted, he would, most certainly, sever the relationship and would not be able to turn to that lawyer again.  Is that what he really wants to do?

He stopped for a long moment.  In that moment, I saw him switch from an angry accountant who focused on the calculated figures to a person who valued relationships over dollars. 

Because he didn’t want to sever the relationship, he decided to take the weekend to calm down before doing anything more. 

****  

Weeks later, I asked my cousin if things worked out with the lawyer situation.

Yes, it did.   He did some research and that it was customary for lawyers to have nonrefundable retainers.  He also realized that he was really angry with himself for not keeping “on top” of the accounting issue in the first place.  It was just easier to blame the lawyer instead.

In the meantime, the lawyer had called him and told him that the account would remain opened; and the remaining balance would be available for my cousin whenever he needed legal help.

So, yes, things worked out; and it always will, when one places relationships ahead of everything.

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