Fear of Success?

I came across an article about Fear of Success—and overcoming the Fear of Change or the Fear of Failure.

It discusses the fact that when we’re too afraid to take risks and move forward on our goals — either consciously or unconsciously — we get stuck in one place, neither moving forward nor backwards.

The article made me wonder if that was what was happening to us and our book project…

It sure feels like we’re not moving. 

For example, we had our weekly meeting and went over our list of things that still has to get done.  Sadly, we’ve made no progress on any of them.

Our first book is still with the graphic artist.  Katherine hasn’t gotten back to reading the rough draft of the second book yet.  Nothing’s going on with the play, the website, or the business license.  The release of the short story is tied to the first book, so I can’t move on that until the first book gets out.  

On the other hand, Katherine was involved with and was a presenter at a 4-day retreat, this week—so, her time was consumed with that activity.

And we spent our meeting-time reviewing how her presentation went, which helped generate some conceptual outlines for future workshops.   

 

So, even if it might seem like we didn’t make progress on the book project, I’d like to think that we’re creating a solid foundation that will help with the promotion of the book, whenever it does get published… in my humble and optimistic opinion.

But…. am I just rationalizing our behavior?

So, I checked out the signs — or red flags — of Fear of Success… just to see if they described either Katherine or myself…

Red Flags of Fear of Success

• You feel guilty about any success you have, because others around you haven’t had the same success.
• You don’t tell others of your accomplishments.
• You procrastinate on projects, especially projects that could lead to recognition.
• You compromise your goals to avoid conflict with others.
• You self-sabotage your work, saying you’re not good enough to achieve them.
• You feel that you don’t deserve to enjoy success in your life.
• If you do achieve success, you won’t be able to sustain it.  Eventually, you’ll fail and end up in a worse place than before.

Well, looking at the list, the only one that could possibly describe Katherine is procrastinating on this project, but I don’t believe it has ANYTHING to do with Fear of Success.  It has more to do with how much other stuff she’s juggling, and where this project falls on her priority list.

As for me, I’m struggling with impatience more than anything else.  I’ve done as much as I can and, now, have to wait for others to do their part. 

Looking at the “solutions” to conquering the Fear of Success, I’m even more confident that this isn’t our problem.

Basically, the article suggests that you face your fears and analyze them rationally.  Create backup plans that address your fears.  By doing these things, you can weaken those fears, which will dramatically reduce your reluctance to achieving your goals.

Also, always maintain your integrity as your top goal.  By doing that, you will always make the right choice.

And we’ve got all that covered, so... yeah… no... 

It’s not Fear of Success that’s slowing us down…

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In Search of Peace and Quiet

The annoyingly loud humming of the new “energy efficiency” refrigerator has stirred me from my sleep… again.

This refrigerator has taken over my life.  IT controls my movements in the house — when I eat, when I sleep, when I wake up, when I play the piano and practice, when and where I watch TV and talk on the phone, what I write about, etc.  I’m afraid to open the refrigerator when it’s quiet, for fear of waking the frigid monster from its slumber.  Once that happens, it roars back into action.

I can’t sit in silence — literally — so, I’ve complained about this phenomenon ever since I got the fridge — three days ago.

Everyone around me —from the salesman to my mother— tells me to suck it up.  “You’ll get use to the noise.  Your problem is that your house is too quiet and stress-free.  Get a couple of dogs, a couple of kids; turn on the TV and stereo, run the vacuum, run the A/C, dishwasher, washing machine, and dryer—then you won’t notice the noise coming from the refrigerator.”

Their answer is to add more noise… not to eliminate or reduce the noise pollution that already exists.

So, I feel like I’m being held hostage by my refrigerator, and no one cares to rescue me. 

I even offered to pay ransom for my freedom — to buy my peace and quiet back!  I went back to the store to exchange the fridge for a more expensive, but quieter model.  The salesman tells me that there is no such creature — a quiet refrigerator.

I searched online and found his statement to be true… at least a fridge in my price range.  If I had $5,000 in my budget to spend on one appliance, then I could get a quieter one… and that day will only come when I become a famous and published author.

I guess this is our own doing.  This noise pollution problem was actually instigated by us… well, by the people we voted into office — Congress. 

Due to Congress passing energy efficiency laws, manufacturers of refrigerators have replaced the high-powered, quiet compressor fans with lighter, noisier fans that have to run 75% of the time to keep the refrigerators at the requested temperature.  Because the motors run 75% of the time, this constant loud droning sound is ever-present.  If you live in a small house that has an open floor plan (like mine), the loud humming permeates throughout the house, around corners and seeps under closed doors. 

It’s during these times that I have to grab for the printout of the Serenity Prayer — because, in this state of mind (and lack of sleep), I can’t recite it from memory… or from my heart.

Yes, I’m in search of the Peace and Quiet that used to live in my home and my heart.  They do not live with me, anymore — not since the new refrigerator moved in.  They moved out when IT moved in.

Yes, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Since I haven’t been graced with such wisdom to know the difference, I’m still searching for a solution to my problem.

Can I change this for me?  Can I bring Peace and Quiet back into my home and soul? 

Through Internet searches and forums, I’ve learned that noisy refrigerators bother more people than just me.  One gentleman took a decibel meter with him and searched for two weeks — looking for a quiet refrigerator.  He only found a quieter one.

Another lady has to wear earplugs to sleep at night.

One person has placed sound absorbing (fire-proof) material in the walls around and on the floor under his refrigerator to soak up the offensive noises his refrigerator makes.  He said that the sound absorbing material has eliminated most of the noise. 

So, that’s my next step.  I’m paying a guy to install sound absorbing installation around the fridge. 

If that doesn’t work, I guess I have to accept things I cannot change… but I’m not there yet…

What is very interesting about this experience is that, once I made the decision to do something about the noise — and not just sit and accept it, like everyone’s telling me to do — my friend, Peace, came back home.

So, together we sit, waiting for the day that Quiet returns home. 

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Time To Change My Password

You know my propensity for picking passwords to positively propel our publishing pursuits…

Well, for the last couple of months, I had the name of the most promising publisher as my password — the publisher who actually read the sample chapters, asked for the rest of the book, and then asked us to complete a new author media questionnaire…

With fingers crossed, eyes closed, and hopes uplifted, I’ve been holding my breath for their decision.

It came yesterday.  The UK publisher had another friendship book coming out later this year, and didn’t want to have our book compete with their current client who was already signed with them. 

Even though I was hoping… really hoping… but … it’s OK…. 

If I was the publisher and had a friendship book already in the mix… in the UK…. why would I go out on a limb for two new/unknown authors from the US?  They made the easier decision.  It may not have been the best one for them or us, but it was the easier of the two… and I understand it…

In the back of my mind, I really think that the children’s book is what’s going to get us “discovered” – and once we are, then these other books will be in more demand….

So, it’s time to change the password again… to something more general…something that I’m really wishing for… something desperate… maybe pleading…maybe determined… or demanding…

Something that portrays my true desire… something like… MAKE IT HAPPEN, NOW!


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A Writer's Dilemma

Remember, back in December, I mentioned Kelly Valen and her book “The Twisted Sisterhood: Unraveling The Dark Legacy of Female Friendships”.  Her book caused me to visit her website (http://www.kellyvalen.com/); and it was her genuineness that encouraged me to reach out to her for her guidance.

She suggested that we look into getting an essay or excerpt published somewhere — whether it is in a magazine, newspaper, or wherever.  Something like that may just kick-start things for us, as it did for her.

She mentioned that some of her friends were picked up by Modern Love, which is a segment/column of the New York Times.

So, I thought that it’s worth a try.  What do I have to lose?

Well, I found out, very quickly, what I could lose.

In reading the submission guidelines, I came across the statement:  “Essays must be previously unpublished. Work that has appeared online, on blogs, etc., is considered to be previously published.”

In the same area, they state:  “A book of collected columns, titled "Modern Love: 50 True and Extraordinary Tales of Desire, Deceit and Devotion," is also available at bookstores.”

Those two statements got me to thinking… at the end of all of this, do I retain rights to my own work or am I forfeiting it away to Modern Love?

Well, the only way to find out is to ask them, so I did.  They told me that “We do not acquire rights to submitted material, but we do buy all rights if we offer to publish it.”

OK.  Exactly what does that mean?  That means that whenever someone says that they buy all rights to your work… well, it means just that.  You license away all rights to your work; you forfeit the right to ever use it again.

There are other types of rights as well.  First serial rights means that the writer offers a newspaper or magazine the right to publish the article, story, or poem for the first time in any periodical. All other rights to the material remain with the writer.  One-time rights or simultaneous rights allows a publisher to buy the nonexclusive right to publish the work once.  Second serial or reprint rights gives a newspaper or magazine the opportunity to print an article, poem, or story after it has already appeared in another newspaper or magazine.  There are also electronic rights, subsidiary rights, and dramatic, television and motion picture rights, etc.  The point is to check out all your rights before signing them away…

With the fact that the New York Times buys all rights to my work, I knew I couldn’t send something that I plan to use in one of our books or seminars.  For example, I couldn’t send an excerpt from one of our books, because if they published it, it becomes their property… and we’d have to beg for/pay for permission to use my own creation…

If I wanted to try to get something published by the New York Times, I needed to write something new that was good enough to submit, but something that we wouldn’t want to keep for ourselves.  Yeah… right!

Add to that, I had to come up with something that Modern Love would want to buy from me.

Ummm… I’m afraid what they want to buy isn’t what I’m selling.  I know the simplest answer is to write something that they would want to buy, but that’s just not my style.  I’m working to change reality, not conform to it

And, honestly, until I try, how would I know they wouldn’t want what I’m offering?

So, I’m trying.  I sent it off yesterday.  If I don’t hear from them in four weeks, then I’ll try another publication… maybe Psychology Today.  At first, I thought of some women’s magazine, like Woman’s Day and such, but Woman’s Day works exclusively with experienced writers who have clips from major national magazines (bummer!) and won’t accept anything from anyone else.   The other women’s magazines that I’ve “googled” don’t offer ways to contact them online nor offer their mailing addresses — so…

But, that’s another bridge to cross at a later time.  Right now, all I can do is wait the four weeks, and then see if Psychology Today would be interested.

By then, a book publisher would have come through for us, and Ellen DeGeneres would have called…

No worries….

Words vs. Actions

I can’t believe that I’m ranting again... and so soon! 

Now, it may sound like I’m complaining about the lack of respect, assistance, satisfaction, and courtesy that I've suffered at the hands of a certain cell phone company that shall remain nameless… at least in this posting.  

It may sound like I’m complaining about the inability of corporate America to solve problems of its own making, forcing its customers to pay the price of its incompetencies.

It may sound like I’m complaining about the lack of listening skills, understanding, and conscious effort that should be ingrained and embodied in the phrase customer service.

Granted, all the above do apply in this particular instance, which is fueling my anger, but that’s not what I’m going to focus on today… at least, not in this posting.

What I find more egregious than any of the above, is the lack of integrity companies have built into their customer service procedures.  And, once again, companies have created this integrity problem for themselves, forcing its customers to pay the price.

I won’t bore you with all the details — my close friends will take THAT burden off your shoulders — but I will share with you the integrity issue that has gotten under my skin.

Although I am using this particular cell phone company as an example, most companies follow similar practices around the country and the world, so I’m sure you have come across this in your daily activities… more than once.

Companies instruct their employees to follow written scripts, such as:  They would like to take this opportunity to apologize for any inconvenience this issue may have caused you.  They thank you for being a customer of theirs.  They appreciate your business.

No matter what is transacting, they are instructed to say this about every 3 or 4 sentences:  They would like to take this opportunity to apologize for any inconvenience this issue may have caused you.  They thank you for being a customer of theirs.  They appreciate your business.

Because I’m a “long-time” customer of theirs, this particular cell phone company repeats their apology and appreciation every other sentence.  They would like to take this opportunity to apologize for any inconvenience this issue may have caused me.  They thank me for being a long-time customer of theirs.  They appreciate my business.

As the conversation is going on, they tell me No, NO, NO to my requests for a fair solution to my problem, followed by… They would like to take this opportunity to apologize for any inconvenience this issue may have caused me.  They thank me for being a long-time customer of theirs.  They appreciate my business.

The fact that they didn’t, couldn’t, and wouldn’t help me with my problem completely escapes their notice, while they say…. They would like to take this opportunity to apologize for any inconvenience this issue may have caused me.  They thank me for being a long-time customer of theirs.  They appreciate my business.

Do they not understand the meaning behind the words in the script they recite?  As they mechanically and continually recite these words to me, their words become hollow and without meaning.  They become habitual liars to me.  Do they not realize this?

In turn, the entire company comes off as hollow and without meaning. 

Your business is extremely important to us — is a farce.

We appreciate you — is a lie.

Does anyone believe in what they're saying?

Do I, as a customer, feel valued, heard, taken care of, or appreciated?  No.

Do I, as a customer, feel abused, taken advantaged, and discarded?  Yes.

Do I, as a customer, trust this company?  No, because their actions don't match their words.

It all goes back to integrity.

We try so hard to teach this important concept to our children — the importance of integrity and being honest in your dealing with others.  We tell our children that to be responsible adults, they must be responsible for their actions and do what’s right.  We tell them that they need to be consistent in action and word.  They must have integrity in everything they do and say.  If they want to be trusted and respected, their words have to match their actions at all times. They can’t promise something and not follow through with it.

Corporate America must have forgotten all of this.  They must have also forgotten that once your words begin to no longer match your actions, people will no longer trust your word.  Instead of being respected and trusted, your words will become hollow and powerless.  You will soon lose the respect of others.  You will lose all that you worked so hard to gain. 

For corporate America, this means they will lose their customers…

And only then, will they understand what they were reciting… but, by then, it will be too late.

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Bewitched -- (an excerpt from our Rock Opera)

Lie and tell me what I want to hear
Keep me spellbound and enchanted
Don’t wake me from this trance
Just give me this chance

Charm me into believing
That I can accomplish it all
In the midst of failure and need
Feed me with the courage to succeed

It doesn’t matter how long it takes
It doesn’t matter how much money I’ll make
I’m holding on to this force so bright
Guiding me towards what feels so right

I try to hide my exhilaration
From those who cannot understand
They will scoff and call it a scheme
Discarding it as a lost and futile dream

Even though they look, they do not see
They cannot feel what they cannot hold
A vision that sparkles with delight
Or a unique idea taking flight

Now that this has awaken inside me
I will keep it burning within
Some will treat this as a sin
I do not envy them, nor do I listen

Lie and tell me what I want to hear
Keep me spellbound and enchanted
Don’t wake me from this trance
Just give me this chance