A Hard Pill to Swallow

I’m still reading Dr. Burns’ book, Feeling Good Together. 

Dr. Burns prescribes a hard pill for us to swallow.  

Basically, he says we get out of relationships — and life — exactly what we put into them.  Because we create the problems that we complain about, we have to accept our role in our conflicts and troubled relationships.

OUCH!!!  That’s awfully hard to swallow!

No! That can’t be true!  We’re not the troublemakers.  We’re the innocent victims in all of this.  We can — and are eagerly prepared to — list all the reasons why it’s the other person’s fault and not ours…

And as we relentlessly defend ourselves — and righteously blame others — we prove Dr. Burns right.

Once we accept his diagnosis, it’s up to us to follow his professional advice — which is to actually stop and listen to what the other person is trying to tell us — and find the piece of truth in their criticism… no matter how painful it may be to admit to it.

His book gives examples, encourages us to do exercises, and outlines techniques to effective communication that can diffuse difficult situations. 

And as I’m reading the book, I’m struck with the feeling that it’s a lot of work to effectively communicate and diffuse volatile situations — and he expects me to be the one making ALL the effort — while my friends, family, co-workers, etc. are reaping the rewards of all my hard work.  How is that fair?  Why is it that I’m doing all the work?  Shouldn’t there be some give and take in all of this? 

Yes, but there are two things to remember in all of this. 

The first thing to always remember is:  We can’t change others, only ourselves.  If we want to change our relationships with others, we have to change ourselves.

And the second thing is:  Even though it’s frustrating at times, if you love whomever you’re fighting with, you’ll do what is necessary to diffuse the situation, break down barriers, and become closer to each other. 

Even if it means you have to swallow your ego to do it... and that's such a hard pill to swallow.

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Graphics Update

The other day, we met with the graphic artist at my house.  The meeting went well… I think. 

We’re all on the same page, again… I think. 

When it became clear that my words weren’t doing the job in explaining my vision for the cover, I attempted to sketch out what I was seeing in my mind’s eye.   

The penciled sketch was able to give a tangible image to the message we wanted, and Katherine shared this rough sketch with the graphic artist.  

To his credit, he didn’t laugh or scoff at it.   He actually said it was quite helpful, and what we wanted was “doable.”   

The graphic artist even asked if he could take a copy of the sketch with him. 

Without missing a beat, Katherine asked for a copy (signed and dated) for herself, so she could put it up at her home…

I’m now imagining my sketch tacked on her refrigerator — where, of course, all great artwork is displayed. 

It’ll sit amidst a number of colorful Picasso-like pictures her 7-year-old son has done for her — and with them sitting side-by-side, it’ll be hard to tell who drew which…

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“BUT” is Such a Scary Word!

I had another one of my dreams.  Even though it was a simple and short scene, it was interesting — interesting enough to set to paper.

Once on paper, it turned out to be a very intriguing scene, with the potential to turn into something I imagined could be used in workshops and meetings — to elicit discussion and group interactions…

With that in mind, that one scene lead to another… and another.

I shared the written scenes with Katherine, and wondered if she and her friends would like to act out the scenes — to generate discussions for their meetings.  Her groups were always looking for topics to discuss…

Katherine agreed that her groups were always looking for topics to discuss, and she knew of several people who would jump at the chance to act out the scenes with her, but…

[BUT… is such a scary word — especially coming from Katherine.]

But... Katherine liked the scenes soooo much that she didn’t want to stop at a couple — just to be used to generate discussion in social gatherings.

 

She wants us to develop a whole play and progress the story.  Once the play is complete, she has acquaintances who have the resources to produce and perform the play.  We could perform it live, video tape it, and/or produce an audio version of it.

She understands all this would require more time, effort, and work on my part — more than I originally intended and, possibly, wanted to put into it — but…

[BUT… is such a scary word — especially coming from Katherine.]

But what I’ve written so far is too good just to be treated as a simple discussion aid, in her opinion.

O…..K….

So, I write — what I thought — is a nice little play, but Katherine wants more.

So, I keep adding scene after scene, and Katherine keeps telling me we need another and another…

I see the same thing that has happened to our book is happening to the play.

We can never finish a project, because Katherine keeps wanting more… and more… and more…

Yes… her suggestions always make the projects better, BUT if we never finish a project… well, we’ll never finish…

Hopefully, during my lifetime, one of these projects will see the light of day, BUT…

In the meantime, I’m on a new writing adventure… adding aspiring playwright to aspiring author…

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I’m Not Used to This

I told you that I was reaching out to various organizations and associations to see if they would help us with getting our children’s book picked up by publishers.

Well, the Florida Department of Education pointed me toward the 67 individual school board districts throughout Florida.  I contacted my district and a neighboring one as well.  My plan was to contact each of the 67 districts, one by one, and see who would respond to our request, if any.

Within a couple of hours, I received emails back from the school boards willing to discuss our projects.  Some back-and-forth emails later, those involved with elementary education and bullying prevention programs for the school districts, along with the district’s school’s social work supervisor have offered to review our manuscripts and give us their feedback.

Hopefully, our project strikes the right core with them.  If not, I’ve got 65 more districts to contact.

I’ve also reached out to Abundant Assets Alliance—which combines YMCA of the USA and Canada and Search Institute (three distinguishing organizations with proven success in building strong kids).  One person with Search Institute emailed me back to let me know that she was forwarding my email to her colleague.

I know all these people could come back and tell me that they can’t help us, but I’m just excited that each one of them took the time to reach out and make contact.

After months and months of reaching out to publishers and literary agents — only to receive cold silence from them — it’s a pleasant and welcoming change to have people actually respond back.

I guess I’m just not used to this.


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There’s No Place Like Home

I’m not sure what’s going on but I find myself surrounded by a number of friends and acquaintances who are transitioning from one phase of their lives to another.  These shifts involve moving physically from one place to another. 

Several young people I know are trying to escape from their parents’ homes.  One was eager to move in with her boyfriend… only to find that the boyfriend was living in his grandmother’s basement.  Another moved in with three roommates… only to find that the roommates were not able to pay their portion of the rent, and they were evicted. 

One friend is returning to the Bay Area, to be with her daughter and grandchildren.  For the past couple of years, she’s been traveling back and forth between where she lives and where her daughter and grandchildren live.  The drive is becoming too much for her, so she’s decided to move back here and, hopefully, find a job near her daughter.

Another acquaintance has relocated to another state, due to her husband’s job.  They can’t afford to buy a “real home,” until they are able to unload their other house.  Because of this, they can’t move on with their family plans. They are living in their personal Purgatory — living in a small apartment in a dangerous neighborhood — waiting to resume their lives again.  As it is now, they feel that they have no home, even though they are surrounded by their personal possessions.

Another friend of mine has been separated from her husband for a number of years.  They continue to support a household and raise their boys together.  Although her possessions are in the house with the boys and their father, she doesn’t consider that place to be her home.  Her heart has found a home with a different partner, and it’s his place that she calls home, even though she doesn’t own anything there.

I have another friend who is constantly redecorating her house… never happy with how it looks or feels. There’s always some massive project going on, and the house is in constant turmoil and upheaval.

These examples reinforce my belief that the building in which you reside does not define your “home.” Home is more than your residence.  Home is where your heart lives… where you're loved… where you go for peace and security.  It’s not a physical place but an emotional and mental place of refuge and strength.

Some find their home — their stabilizing force — to be within a healthy primary relationship with another.  Others find their life source within their inner “self” — anchored by their core principles and supported by spiritual beliefs. 

Whoever or whatever supplies you with that positive source of well-being and security, keep it close to you… respect it… and protect it, because…

There’s no place like home.

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The Institution of Marriage

Well, that last entry generated quite a discussion between Katherine and me. 

The main point of the debate dealt with the sentence:  “She’s making her plans based on the promise of marriage.” 

Katherine felt that that sentence focused on the institution of marriage as a functional means to an end — and not the ongoing courtship for two people in a relationship.  Was that my intent?

Well, I guess so.  My actual intent was to describe what I saw — not what I thought ought to be. I was describing what was, not what should be… in my humble opinion.

People get married for various reasons — only one being that they desire a long-lasting and healthy relationship with each other.

I’ve had many, many, many friends tell me their stories: 

• When they were in their twenties, my friends would tell me that they planned to be married by a certain age, with two children (first the boy, followed by a girl) — and these promises were made without a Mr. Right in the picture. 
• Others got married to escape from their current situation.
• A week before her wedding, another friend confessed that she didn’t think her fiancé was the right guy for her, but she’s going to marry him, because she’s afraid of being alone.
• Another friend told me she settled for her husband because she was afraid that time was slipping away.  She didn’t want to wait any longer, in the hopes of someone else asking her, because she was convinced that no one else would ask her.
• Several friends tell me that they got married, simply because it was expected of them — expected (and a little pressured) by their family, friends, colleagues, etc. 
• Others felt that marriage was the next step.  They were dating the same guy for a while, and it was time to get married — just like becoming parents was the next step after that, even though they never felt that nurturing craving for children.    

Add to their stories, the stories of those who marry for money, prestige, control, and power. 

Add to their stories, the stories of arranged marriages of past and present— made all over the world.

Add to that how corporate America and the government financially reward married couples over singles and that companies are more generous and lenient with those with families than those without.

And don't get me wrong!  I've had friends tell me that they married their best friend, that they married their soul-mates, the love of their lives, their one and only... and that they're in a never-ending courtship.  They admit it takes work and unending commitment.  They've had their ups and downs... but it's all worth it.  

So, yeah… the institution of marriage has its advantages.  For many, marriage brings with it a sense of maturity, dependability, normalcy, financial assistance, social acceptance, respect, companionship, love, acceptance, and partnership. 

I see nothing wrong with this… just as long as the expectations and needs of all those involved are being met.

The problem arises when one party wants more from the relationship than the other.  One may be needing more than the other is capable of giving.  Unfulfilled expectations start to create distance between the couple and family unit.  Resentment and anger moves into the spaces where respect, trust, and acceptance once lived. 

One friend was in a relationship and decided that it was much easier to break things off than it was to invest the time and energy needed to get her needs met with a particular partner.  She’d rather be on her own than be dissatisfied in the relationship.

She felt conflicted by her decision because she felt she would be disappointing so many people if she ended the relationship.  She feared that her family and friends would label her as being selfish and childish. 

I, on the other hand, applauded her for her self-awareness, self-assessment, and honesty.  It would have been unethical to go into a partnership with another person, already knowing that she was not willing to put forth the ongoing effort necessary to sustain the partnership. 

So… what marriage is and what it ought to be are two different things.  I can’t define what a marriage “ought to be” for a couple.  Only those involved in the marriage can do that.

What I can tell you is that both parties’ expectations and needs must be met if it is to be a successful partnership.

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What I’ve Learned From My Friends

I’m fascinated and intrigued by relationships—all different types and in every stage.  

For example, I have three friends.  Each is involved in a relationship.

One friend is very happy in her new relationship.  She enjoys every moment she’s able to look into her lover’s eyes and be in his arms.  They take one day at a time and let each day flow into the next.  They spend their time together, discovering what makes the other happy and fulfills each other’s needs and wants.  Issues are ironed out with a caring hand and a caressing kiss.  There’s a delightful acceptance of each other’s differences that has been built into their relationship.

I have another friend who is about to get married.  She is busy strategically planning her life for the next 3-5 years — from wedding day, to a home purchase, to the birth of their first child, second child, and so on.  She has a rigorous and ambitious schedule laid out for the two of them.  The fiancé, on the other hand, has his own (and different) plans in mind.  Because they are dealing with so many life-changing and stressful issues, each disagreement challenges the relationship’s stability.

My third friend finds herself in a dead relationship with her ex-husband.  For financial and functional reasons, they maintain a house together, but it’s not a home.  They do not share things with each other.  They no longer talk to each other, and if they do exchange words, it is in a destructive manner.  They treat each other as roommates — hostile ones, at that. 

I listen to my three friends, as they share their lives with me.  Each person has a different personality and, therefore, addresses issues in different ways.  Each is in a different stage of her relationship.  One is at the very beginning, enjoying each day as it comes.  The second is looking past today and focusing on the future.  She’s making her plans based on the promise of marriage.  The third one is dealing with the broken promises that have cemented her to her marriage...

I sit here, thinking how much we can learn from each of them: 

• To enjoy the moments we have with each other, while planning for the days to come
• To embrace the desire to please each other
• To be accepting of the strengths and weaknesses of each person
• To always be open and available to listen and communicate with each other
• To constantly learn from one another
• To never lose respect for each other... nor for the partnership that is embedded in a healthy relationship
• To acknowledge and accept when a healthy relationship no longer exists

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I Messed Up!

I was jolted out of bed this morning, realizing that I royally messed up!

I had prepared those @#$@#$ book proposals the other night and just screwed things up.

Maybe it’s because I hate, Hate, HATE doing this part of the process…

Maybe it’s because I am so tired and burned out with this…

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to receive any more “encouraging letters of hope”…

WHATEVER the reason, in the early morning hours — long before the sun woke up — it struck me that I had addressed the SASE (self-addressed stamped envelopes) backwards.  If used the way I addressed them, the encouraging letters of hope would simply end up back on the publishers’ doorsteps.

I feel like such an idiot!!!

If only I could right my wrong, myself… then no one would know my stupidity, but I can’t.

I had already handed over the packages to Katherine to be mailed.  I’ll have to call her — at some more reasonable hour (but before she starts her errands and mails these packages) — to confess my stupidity and have her right my wrong for me.

I hate, Hate, HATE this part of the process.  Have I told you that before?

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I hate Hate HATE This Part!

As I told you earlier, I researched, organized, printed, and put together bunches of book proposal packages to be mailed out… wanting them to arrive as close to those I emailed, so everyone has the same amount of time to look over our stuff.

During this process, I reached out to one of the publishers who had showed interest in the first version of the friendship book — the one in the UK, who had decided not to pursue our project because they had another friendship book scheduled for this year. 

I explained that we had revamped the book to encompass various types of relationships and added self-discovery sections to the book.  We were resending the book out to other publishers and just wanted to give them an opportunity to look at the new version, in case they were interested and  their schedule was open…

They emailed back, immediately, saying that their other relationship book ran into a problem, so they were interested in looking at ours again. 

But the editor didn’t like the title of the second version.  She thought it was too negative.  Both Katherine and I felt it was very positive, and I explained why; but we respected her feedback.  A good title is essential to the book and, together, we could come up with a great title….

The editor admitted that she didn’t like the title of the first book either.  She felt it was too negative.

O…..K….

At this point, I just left it alone, because I got the feeling that no matter what I came up with, she was going to see the title as being “negative.”  I just left it that I’m sure we can come up with a great title when the time comes…

My biggest concern was:  What was I going to do with all these mailers that are ready to go out?!!!

Do I throw out all my work and stop the path that we’re on, because this editor didn’t like the revised title or the first title—and who is having “a problem” with another author? 

Will this new title actually stop others from reading our proposal and sample chapters?

If we hold up the mailers until we can agree on a new title, how long will that take?  And I’ve already sent out a bunch of emailers with the other title….

And all my work in setting the mailers up, in printing will have to be redone.  I’m stuck doing the thing that I absolutely hate, Hate, HATE!   I’m beginning to feel like that hamster running in its exercise wheel — running and running, but getting nowhere.

GGGGRRRRR!!!  I was just so… so… frustrated, that I wanted to scream… but instead, I texted Katherine.

She likes “most” of the title we have.  She only wanted to change ONE word in it… 

But whether we change one word, five words, or the whole #$@#$ title, I would still have to redo everything and reprint everything.  All that time and effort… wasted. 

Katherine stopped my downward spiraling by suggesting that we just add a note to each of the mailers, explaining that we were thinking about changing the title of the book, but thought of it after everything was printed.  This additional note would prevent us from having to redo everything, and if the publishers didn’t like the title, they would know we’re changing it…. and if they liked the title as is, then no harm done.

Cool!!!  So, that’s what we’re doing… along with keeping our fingers crossed.

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This Waiting is Driving Everyone Crazy!

Yeah.  Patience is not one of my virtues.  I need to be constantly moving forward on things.  Standing still and waiting for something to happen is not in my nature.

And this shortcoming of mine is driving everyone else around me crazy. 

Why?  Because I keep emailing, contacting, talking, searching, writing, and researching.  I keep jumping from one project to another, like a juggler.  I’m constantly doing something to keep this project moving and that project progressing and this other project going…

In my efforts to keep everything moving, I’ve expanded my circle of influence to include a number of other people, who find themselves in desperate need of a reprieve from my persistence.

Not to totally alienate myself from these new contacts, I’m trying to be patient.

I am managing to refrain myself from actually emailing anyone today, even though I’m continually checking my email account every hour for news from the publisher who is showing some interest in our Friendship book, for news from the therapists who have agreed to give us feedback on our teen book, or for news from parents who have offered to have their kids read and give us feedback on our children’s book.

It seems harder, today, to be content with sitting and waiting, because last week was so full of activity.  

I couldn't believe it!  Suddenly, everything started moving in different directions... as if each project had a life of its own.  This is great news and exactly what we are hoping for; but when it happens all at once... well, it makes it more difficult to juggle everything.

 What happened last week?

• The publisher, who asked for sample chapters, has written back and asked for the rest of the Friendship book.
• The therapist who was impressed with an audio clip — enough to say she’ll buy several copies of the book if it was anything like the clip — emailed back, wanting to meet with us once she reads the book.  She’s also asking questions about how we’re promoting ourselves and the book, and is indicating her desire to keep in contact with us through this process. 
• Friends of friends who are teachers and have published their own children’s books have come forward with suggestions and ideas as to how to get our children’s book viewed by educational publishers, which would open the doors to schools and homeschoolers.   This has prompted me to create a discussion aid for teachers and parents.  This will help with the interactive discussion that the book thrives on.
• The audio clip, “Self Defense Against Fear” is getting regular hits on the YouTube site. 
• People keep returning to this blog to follow our progress —and thank you very much, for doing that! 

Toward the end of last week, I was feeling somewhat overwhelmed by all the attention.  So, I had to take a step back, to try to get my thoughts organized and my hands around the separate projects that were going in various directions…

I’m a visual person, so I had to set everything down in front of me, so I could see the whole picture.  To do that, I got a huge piece of paper (around 16” x 21”) and created three columns (i.e., one for each project).   In the separate columns, I wrote where we were on each project, as well as my concerns and pending issues. 

With this new person, possibly, coming into the mix — the excited therapist — I also wanted to protect my self-interest in all of this.  To do that, I needed to be able to actually identify, clarify, and communicate what my goals are. 

Why am I doing all of this?  I’m sure more things will come to me, but this is a start:

• To have the freedom to stretch my creativity and have the ability to write on subjects that most interest me
• To be able to get our messages out in a positive and supportive manner that can help others
• To make a difference — to be an intricate and important part of this “movement” and enjoy this journey that we’re on
• Not to be harmed (financially, emotionally, physically, reputation-wise, etc.) by this endeavor
• To be able to make enough money from this to support me during my retirement years… until death does me in

Now… all that’s left to do is wait… and wait… and wait…

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Persistence Pays

During this last week, I emailed a bunch of local therapists listed on the Therapy Directory of the Psychology Today website.

I hit the jackpot yesterday.  I sent out about 10 queries asking if someone would mind giving me feedback on our teen book.  Surprisingly, 4 of the 10 responded back before the day’s end, saying that they would be happy to help us out and review our materials.

Knowing how busy therapists are, I also gave them the link to the audio clips, suggesting that — if they were short on time — they could get a quick, mini-taste of what's in the book.

One therapist used this quick method and emailed back saying that she was pretty impressed with the clip she viewed; and if the book is similar to the clip, she sees herself buying copies of the book for her office, for her clients to read.

AWESOME!!!! And this little testimonial is from watching just one clip!

Gosh darn!  I wished I had the guts to ask her which clip she watched.  If I could, I’d send that clip along with every query letter I send from now on!

Something More Than an Encouraging Letter of Hope

Golly Gee!!!

We got an email from a publisher in California who just got around to reading our book proposal and is hoping that our manuscript is still available for review. 

She is interested in seeing two to three chapters of our work.

 I’ve learned not to get “overly” excited.  We’ve gotten this close before.  A single person (in this case the Acquisitions Assistant) may like it and then passes it on to the “committee” where it’s stoned to death...

So, yeah... I’ve learned not to get “overly” excited… only really, Really, REALLY HOPEFUL!

Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Oh... and, of course, I've dropped Ellen DeGeneres an update on all of this.  She remains speechless...

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Time To Change My Password

You know my propensity for picking passwords to positively propel our publishing pursuits…

Well, for the last couple of months, I had the name of the most promising publisher as my password — the publisher who actually read the sample chapters, asked for the rest of the book, and then asked us to complete a new author media questionnaire…

With fingers crossed, eyes closed, and hopes uplifted, I’ve been holding my breath for their decision.

It came yesterday.  The UK publisher had another friendship book coming out later this year, and didn’t want to have our book compete with their current client who was already signed with them. 

Even though I was hoping… really hoping… but … it’s OK…. 

If I was the publisher and had a friendship book already in the mix… in the UK…. why would I go out on a limb for two new/unknown authors from the US?  They made the easier decision.  It may not have been the best one for them or us, but it was the easier of the two… and I understand it…

In the back of my mind, I really think that the children’s book is what’s going to get us “discovered” – and once we are, then these other books will be in more demand….

So, it’s time to change the password again… to something more general…something that I’m really wishing for… something desperate… maybe pleading…maybe determined… or demanding…

Something that portrays my true desire… something like… MAKE IT HAPPEN, NOW!


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Keeping Fingers Crossed

Remember the blog about the publisher that asked to see more of Silhouette of a Friendship… From the Inside Out (i.e., an earlier blog entry: It’s in Someone Else’s Hands)?

Well, they wrote back and sent an extensive questionnaire for us to complete. They called it a new author media questionnaire.  They wanted to find out our ability in promoting our book: our contacts, our media affiliation, our publishing history, our connections with the media (TV, radio, special events, speaking engagements, book signings, etc.), our depth in online marketing and distribution, etc.  Basically, they wanted to know what we’re able to do to promote and sell this book of ours… before they go out on a limb for us.


Well, we’ve tried our best to get noticed by publishers and celebrities alike, but it’s darn hard to get anyone interested in a book that hasn’t been published yet.  We tried explaining this phenomenon to publishers, reassuring them that once we’re published, our focus will switch to launching and promoting the published book… with their help, of course.

So, although we are, hopefully— fingers-crossed — one step closer to becoming published, filling out this media questionnaire is pretty overwhelming for first-time authors who have never launched a book before.  Add to that that this publisher is in the UK and we are in the US... and things can’t get any more complicated…well, I hope they can’t.

But we answered the questionnaire the best we could.  I hope it was enough.

Please, keep your fingers crossed for us.



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HARO

Have you heard of Help a Reporter Out (HARO) [http://www.helpareporter.com/]?  

I haven’t tried it yet.  In fact, I haven’t talked to Katherine about this, yet—so I can’t really give you a report on it, but the concept sounds neat, and it is free. 

The theory behind HARO is that everyone is an expert at something and this website matches everyday experts with reporters who need your particular expertise to complete their article, feature, or story. 

Once you sign up as a resource, the website will send you a daily email, listing the media queries.  All you have to do is keep an eye out for those specific media queries you’re qualified to comment on and act as a source.

If one of the queries matches your expertise, then simply respond to the reporter; and you and the reporter can help each other out.  You can help the reporter with the article, and the reporter can help promote you to a larger and established audience.

If you happen to be a reporter, you'll be able to tap into over 80,000 sources who will respond to you directly.


Like I said, it is a neat concept.



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A Writer's Dilemma

Remember, back in December, I mentioned Kelly Valen and her book “The Twisted Sisterhood: Unraveling The Dark Legacy of Female Friendships”.  Her book caused me to visit her website (http://www.kellyvalen.com/); and it was her genuineness that encouraged me to reach out to her for her guidance.

She suggested that we look into getting an essay or excerpt published somewhere — whether it is in a magazine, newspaper, or wherever.  Something like that may just kick-start things for us, as it did for her.

She mentioned that some of her friends were picked up by Modern Love, which is a segment/column of the New York Times.

So, I thought that it’s worth a try.  What do I have to lose?

Well, I found out, very quickly, what I could lose.

In reading the submission guidelines, I came across the statement:  “Essays must be previously unpublished. Work that has appeared online, on blogs, etc., is considered to be previously published.”

In the same area, they state:  “A book of collected columns, titled "Modern Love: 50 True and Extraordinary Tales of Desire, Deceit and Devotion," is also available at bookstores.”

Those two statements got me to thinking… at the end of all of this, do I retain rights to my own work or am I forfeiting it away to Modern Love?

Well, the only way to find out is to ask them, so I did.  They told me that “We do not acquire rights to submitted material, but we do buy all rights if we offer to publish it.”

OK.  Exactly what does that mean?  That means that whenever someone says that they buy all rights to your work… well, it means just that.  You license away all rights to your work; you forfeit the right to ever use it again.

There are other types of rights as well.  First serial rights means that the writer offers a newspaper or magazine the right to publish the article, story, or poem for the first time in any periodical. All other rights to the material remain with the writer.  One-time rights or simultaneous rights allows a publisher to buy the nonexclusive right to publish the work once.  Second serial or reprint rights gives a newspaper or magazine the opportunity to print an article, poem, or story after it has already appeared in another newspaper or magazine.  There are also electronic rights, subsidiary rights, and dramatic, television and motion picture rights, etc.  The point is to check out all your rights before signing them away…

With the fact that the New York Times buys all rights to my work, I knew I couldn’t send something that I plan to use in one of our books or seminars.  For example, I couldn’t send an excerpt from one of our books, because if they published it, it becomes their property… and we’d have to beg for/pay for permission to use my own creation…

If I wanted to try to get something published by the New York Times, I needed to write something new that was good enough to submit, but something that we wouldn’t want to keep for ourselves.  Yeah… right!

Add to that, I had to come up with something that Modern Love would want to buy from me.

Ummm… I’m afraid what they want to buy isn’t what I’m selling.  I know the simplest answer is to write something that they would want to buy, but that’s just not my style.  I’m working to change reality, not conform to it

And, honestly, until I try, how would I know they wouldn’t want what I’m offering?

So, I’m trying.  I sent it off yesterday.  If I don’t hear from them in four weeks, then I’ll try another publication… maybe Psychology Today.  At first, I thought of some women’s magazine, like Woman’s Day and such, but Woman’s Day works exclusively with experienced writers who have clips from major national magazines (bummer!) and won’t accept anything from anyone else.   The other women’s magazines that I’ve “googled” don’t offer ways to contact them online nor offer their mailing addresses — so…

But, that’s another bridge to cross at a later time.  Right now, all I can do is wait the four weeks, and then see if Psychology Today would be interested.

By then, a book publisher would have come through for us, and Ellen DeGeneres would have called…

No worries….

Let’s Focus, People!

I woke up, again, with the strongest desire to work on these writing projects, so I’m back at my computer, wanting to write about something… about anything!

This energy — this desire, this obsession, this need — controls my every waking moment.  It’s all I can think about.  It’s all I can focus on…

Don’t get me wrong…other things do get done.  I go through my days as usual.  I function at work; I get my errands done; I manage the house; I meet with family and friends; I continue to give of myself to the teens online; I go to choir practice, etc.

Everything else gets done; everyone else’s needs are met.

I meet all my other obligations; but, all the while, my mind is clicking off thoughts of what I need to do to push me over the next hurdle in my writing career.

I go through my days looking for new ideas for the blog, new subjects for better books, new methods of getting the message out, new contacts, and new ways of getting noticed by publishers…

I have a writing pad by my bed, just in case I think of something in my sleep.  I have a writing pad in my car, just in case I think of something during the drive to work or on my way to various errands.  I don't have a writing pad in the bathroom... well, not yet...

Yeah.  I’m becoming obsessed with this… but I believe that I’m managing my writing addiction quite well.  I don’t think anyone is getting slighted due to it.  It’s just that I’ve noticed how I’m constantly in search for something to do that’s relates to these writing projects…

The MOST interesting thing about this is that Katherine is dealing with the same type of energy, the same type of desire, and the same type of need to work on her personal projects.

Unfortunately, her personal projects are not these writing projects of mine.

We’re back to her self-interest is getting in the way of my self-interest; and my need to put our friendship ahead of my desire to get published.

While all I can focus on is the writing projects; all she can focus on is her personal and family issues.

I understand that.  She needs to focus on those things; and I need to give her the space and time to do it.  She needs to concentrate on redefining her inner core; and I need to give her my support, my understanding, and my friendship to accomplish that.  She doesn’t need additional things to juggle along the way.  She has enough on her plate as it is.

So, when we do manage to get some time together, we don’t talk much about these writing projects.  We talk about what’s going on in her life.

Instead of writing about friendship, we’re living it…

And that’s the whole point, isn’t it?

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Who’s Buying What We’re Selling?

I don’t know if you remembered a post back in November — November 1, 2010, to be exact — titled, I know… I know… I KNOW!!!

In that post, I told you about a very kind nun who contacted a Catholic publisher on our behalf, and asked their Head of Acquisitions to review our material. 

I told you how extremely excited we were about this, because we were on our way to being published… but then Katherine — with her level-headedness — brought up a good point. 

Katherine was afraid that if we were picked up by a Christian publisher, we would limit our appeal to a greater audience.  Our overarching goal with Silhouette of a Friendship…From the Inside Out — and all our books — is to reach a general audience that includes people of all kinds, regardless of religious affiliation (or lack thereof).  We had to acknowledge that a Catholic publisher’s niche may restrict our reach and work against our personal mission, which is to reach as many people as possible.

So, I’ve been trying to stay away from clearly Christian publishers.

As you are well aware by now, I do not like this phase of the job — finding and contacting publishers — but it is a job that must be done.  I’ve been avoiding it like the plague, but now I have to get back to it.

Last week, I found a publisher that we haven’t contacted yet, but one who would accept unsolicited manuscripts.  Eureka!!

This combination was all I needed to shoot off a letter and proposal to Oxford, England.

This afternoon, Katherine tells me that that publisher emailed her asking for sample chapters. 

This was the first publisher who actually contacted us and asked to see more — and within a week’s time!!! All the way from England!!!

And, wouldn’t you know it?!  This publisher is the largest independent publisher of books inspired by the Christian faith and its values in the UK.

So, we’re back to where we were in November.  Christian publishers are interested in our materials, but the secular publishers are not — even though character building issues are universal and shouldn’t only be taken up by religious-based groups.

Katherine is disheartened that Christian publishers are biting on this topic and secular publishers aren't.

So, the question begs to be asked.  Why aren’t they?

Why aren’t good character, values, ethics, and integrity seen as worthy subjects to secular publishers?  Why isn’t promoting values worth their time and attention?

The only answer I can come up with is that promoting good character doesn’t promote the publishers’ bottom line.  Values, ethics, relationship building, and integrity do not sell as many books…


Remember when we first started this journey?  We were informed that, in these hard economic times, publishers are not picking up new authors because they want assurance that their efforts will produce profits for them.  As first-time authors, we have no wide media access, no history, no literary following, no marketable credentials, and no funds.  We are no-bodies to the world of publishing.

Add to all of that, we are writing books that support and focus on good character, relationships, values, ethics, and integrity — stuff that secular publishers may think do not sell to the general public — and we’re really do have HUGE hurdles before us…

But, the way we see it, they are only hurdles and not unscalable walls.

We’re betting that these publishers are wrong.  We’re betting that you do value relationships, good character, ethics, and integrity as much as we do.




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Reaching Out Again

I’m back to the list of publishers for Silhouette of a Friendship… Nothing new to tell you about that process…

I did come across a fabulous website called, Motivating the Teen Spirit (http://www.motivatingtheteenspirit.com/).  The mission of the group is “to empower teens to fall in love with themselves, communicate more effectively, and make integrity-based decisions.”

These are the very things we’re trying to bring out in our books as well. 


The founder, Lisa Nichols, is an internationally known life coach and teacher, motivational speaker, best-selling author, and expert on teen esteem and personal empowerment. 

I reached out to her — as we’ve done with Sam Keen, Stephen Covey, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah, Gayle King, Kelly Ripa, Barbara Walters, etc. — in the hopes that she would take the time and look over our stuff and give us her opinion and guidance. 

It never hurts to ask…

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Pickle of a Mess

I think I’ve written myself into a pickle of a mess. 

I’ve gone too far. 

It’s back to the drawing board.

Katherine and I met for one of our writing project meetings.  It’s become the habit to have her read out loud, so we can hear the flow of things.  In this last meeting, she’s reading the second children’s book.

We got through about half of the book before she had to head home.  So far, she really likes the story… but she sees a potential problem.

The tone of the book matches a 9 year old’s level, but Katherine’s afraid that the concepts in the book are more appropriate for 12 and up.   She’s telling me this BEFORE she’s even read the last part of the book, which (in my opinion) may be more of a problem than the part she’s read.

Yeah… I’ve written myself into a pickle of a mess…

Again, she likes the story, but she’s not 9 years old, nor is she 12 years old.  She’s thinking that the second book is going to be difficult to market… Do we market it to 9 year olds and dilute the story?  Do I bring up the tone’s level and market it to 12 year olds?

The second book starts right where the first book leaves off, so bringing the second book to a 12 year old’s level will create problems with the transition from the first book to the second book…

Yeah… I’ve written myself into a pickle of a mess…

Again, all this is guess work at this point.  We don’t really know how much a 9 year old can comprehend compared to a 12 year old.  And every child is different.  Some 9 year olds may get it, while some 12 year olds may not.  Even some adults may not get it.  It’s just all guess work at this point. 

This is where the testing and feedback from the young readers are invaluable.  That will tell me if I’ve gone too far… and if my writing hand’s stuck in the pickle jar or not.  

Granted, we haven’t gotten feedback from the first book yet, but once Katherine’s son finishes the first one, we can ask him if he’s willing to help us with the second one… 

As you know, patience isn’t a virtue I possess.  If you introduce a problem to me, I want to fix it… and fix it now.

I have to keep reminding myself that we’re not even sure there IS a problem or anything to fix… not just yet.

You should know me by now.  The fact that a problem doesn’t exist yet doesn’t stop me from trying to solve it. 

So, I’ve come up with three versions of the same book…

• The first version is the original… in all its twists and conflicts.  I, personally, like this version best… but I’m neither 9 nor 12.
• The second version changes the last section of the book.  The first half remains the same and has enough conflict and lessons to carry the book.  I’m hoping that rewriting the last part will keep the book alive.
• The third version takes out most of the conflicts that lives within the pages of the second book.  Once I take the conflicts out, I take out the lessons that went along with the conflicts.  By doing that, the book becomes void of purpose, void of emotion, and void of life.  I do not like this third version… and I don’t care if I’m not 9 or 12.  I do not like it!  I do not like it!  I do not like it!

So, if we can’t use either the first or second version, I will go back to the drawing board and rework the book to bring it back to life. 

But I can’t administer this form of CPR until I know the patient really needs it.

So, all I can do is wait… and continue to take its pulse…

I need to let Katherine actually finish reading the book and get her opinion.  I need to let our 9 year old readers review the book and get their diagnosis…

I can’t do anything but wait.

Yeah… patience isn’t one of my virtues…

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