Drape Those You Love With Respect and Honor

I was on one of the writers’ message boards the other day, and someone posted the following question:

What if your partner doesn't support you in your writing venture?

She went on to write that she runs into acknowledgements and dedication pages of books full of gratefulness to the writers’ spouses, partners, and parents for their support in the arduous journey toward publication.  But what if your loved ones don't support you?  How do you wade through the rejections, fight the self-doubts, and retain your self-worth?

A number of writers chimed in, sharing how their spouses are as unsupportive as hers, and it was deadly to their writing.  One said that her spouse would verbally support her, but his actions built a wall that separated her from her dream. One said that her husband told her she will fail in her attempts at reaching her dream.   One was told her writing endeavor was a complete waste of time.  One gentleman said he gave up his creative passion for 20 years, trying to satisfy his woman; and in doing so, his soul withered.  The stress would have killed him, if the relationship hadn’t crumbled first.  Some advised her to turn to other writers for support — those with the same passions and in the same situation…

They (sort of) addressed the issue…but indirectly.  To me, the real issue has more to do with the lack of “support”— and less to do with the “writing venture.”   

Those responding to her question never came out and said that if your loved ones are not interested in supporting you in your personal mission, your aspirations, and your dreams — whatever those may be — then there’s something lacking…there’s someone missing… in the relationship. 

When your loved ones — whether they be your family, friends, or lovers — don’t take an interest in what you’re doing… and in how you’re feeling… then, they’ve “checked out” of the relationship.  They are not respecting and honoring the relationship, as it currently exists.  They may have at one time… but no longer.

What happened over time, I don't know.  All I know is that when you no longer feel respected and honored in a relationship, you will search out those who will fulfill your needs…

Simply put:  A relationship cannot thrive if it’s not draped in respect and honor — like a warm blanket shared by two people, bringing them closer together.

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Yes, Even in a Car Repair Shop

I believe that I’ve told you (many times before) that I am not a patient person — but I’ll tell you once more, because…

I recently had to take my car in for repairs.  After 5½ hours of waiting, I was finally told the amount of ransom needed to secure both my and my car’s release.

It was a long, long day for me.

It’s not like I didn’t plan it all out, either.  I knew I had to wait for the repairs, so I tried to reduce my waiting time as much as possible.  I called the day before and explained my situation.  I made an appointment with the manager, to make sure that my car would be taken care of in a timely manner, that parts would be ordered, etc.

I was told that the repair would take 2 hours, and that’s what I expected.  I did not expect the 5½ hours that it turned out to be.

Knowing my impatient nature, I did bring a book with me, to keep me distracted — but instead of keeping me distracted from what was going on around me, it heightened my sensitivity to it.

The book I brought was The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver).  In the book, the authors focused on the importance of respect and honor in healthy relationships — e.g., in a friendship, a marriage, or work-related encounters, etc.

This day at the repair shop just reinforced that message for me.

You see, the manager, Brandon, and I had formed a comfortable connection over the two days we’ve been discussing my car problem.  We had a pleasant and respectful rapport going.  He answered my questions and… well, treated me as an equal.  He treated me with respect and honor.

Even though I am an impatient person, I was willing to sit there for however long it took for my car to be fixed, because I trusted that the manager had my best interest in mind — and, unfortunately, I had no other choice.

Two hours into my sentence, a different person — I’ll refer to him as Mr. Jerk — bellowed out into the waiting room, searching for the person who belonged to the Ford Focus.  I raised my hand and went to meet him at the counter.  Before I reached the counter, he started with his condescending tone, mumbling a list of recommendations that “must be” done.  He started pushing me to use their credit card, ignoring my responses and reasons for wanting to handle the payment differently. Another employee tried to step in and have Mr. Jerk stop badgering me, but Mr. Jerk ignored that voice of reason.

I could feel my frustration and irritation rising with every breath Mr. Jerk took.  Every phrase he uttered dripped with mockery, disguised as teasing.  Simply put:  I had no desire to deal with this person; but, at the same time, I knew I couldn’t make Mr. Jerk change his behavior toward me.

It’s sad to admit, but we — women, in particular — have been conditioned to be smile sweetly and take this type of behavior.  Don’t try to understand what’s going on under the hood of the car.  Just pay the mechanics whatever they tell you.  Don’t rock the boat.  Don’t make a scene in public.  Just sit there and take it.

Unfortunately for Mr. Jerk, I’m of a different opinion.  I believe everyone — me, included — should be treated with respect — even in a car repair shop.

So, knowing that 1) I couldn’t change Mr. Jerk’s behavior and 2) I didn’t want to have to deal with him anymore, I simply told Mr. Jerk to stop talking to me and that I wanted Brandon to talk to me, instead.

Obviously, Mr. Jerk didn’t understand the seriousness of my request.  He just stood there and continued to be himself… a jerk.

I repeated my request — in the middle of a lobby and in front of his manager, Brandon.

Mr. Jerk turned to Brandon and repeated my request to him, adding that “She doesn’t like me!”

I did not contradict that statement.  I did not backtrack or try to soften the impact of those words.  I just let that statement continue to float out there… until Brandon took Mr. Jerk’s place at the register.

Brandon explained my car's issues, and we agreed to just concentrate on the “safety issues” and not on any of the other stuff on the list.  He let me use my own method of payment without giving me any hassles about it.  Unfortunately, he told me I’ll be waiting for another couple of hours; but that was OK, since I was being treated with respect.

As I went back to my seat, I noticed that Brandon tried to give Mr. Jerk some etiquette lessons, so that the customers that came after me would be treated better.

What was even better was that during the remaining 3½ hours, Mr. Jerk changed his tone and behavior.  He showed more respect to the other women who were waiting for their cars. 

Yeah, I know he’s probably calling me all sorts of names under his breath, but — at least outwardly — he was treating his customers with more respect than before.

And yes, showing respect and honor is important… even in a car repair shop.

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