College Expectations

I was at a network gathering the other day and overheard a conversation.  Someone had asked a young lady what her major was and that launched her into an epic tale of why—after five years—she wasn’t close to graduating. 

She started her story with, “Well, I started out studying to be an architect, but I really didn’t want to be an architect.  I was really interested in interior design, but the college didn’t have a program in interior design, so I decided to become a teacher.  When I got into that field, I had to decide what type of teacher—elementary or middle-school...”

She shrugged a bit and continued, “I couldn’t decide, so I changed my major to business and, then, accounting, but then decided that I rather go into behavior sciences and study physical therapy to help people — but the college didn’t have the program I wanted.” 

She shrugged again, “With all the time and money I spent taking all these courses, you would think I could graduate, but the college won’t let me.  I don’t care anymore; I just want to get out!”

A friend of hers suggested that she should just major in History.  She only needs 15 credits to get a History degree and then she could graduate.

She shook her head at that idea.  “No, I don’t like to read, write, or do research, so I don’t want to study History.”    

She admitted that the college did, finally, offer a field in the Behavior Science area that she thought could be interesting, but, by this time, her GPA was too low to enter that program.

She concluded her story by blaming the college for her inability to graduate, and the group sympathized with her situation.

I do hope that she finds what she’s searching for… but I don’t think what she's searching for is in the college curriculum and course catalog. 

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When I Calm Down…?

I’m so glad you’re out there for me, because I had one of those days… again. 

Well… the day was actually really good.  It was the $#%@ visit to the “car shop.”  I don’t know what it is about car shops and me, but we just don’t mix…

Anyway, I took the day off from work, because I… needed… a day off from work…

I was driving around town, getting things done and crossing them off my things-to-do list.  

On the road to someplace else, I saw the sign for an oil change, tire rotation, and lube for $14.99.  Of course, there was another place advertizing $15.99 oil change right next door…

Cool!  The car needed an oil change, and I could do $14.99.  Although this wasn’t on my list for today, I thought I could fit it in, so I turned the car around and drove back to the $14.99 place.

Before I could get out of the car and close the car door, three mechanics surrounded me, took my keys out of my hands, and asked what they could do for me. 

I told them all I wanted was a $14.99 oil change and asked how long it would take.  They said that I was their only customer, so it’ll be fast.

Cool! 

One guy, Todd, brought me into the office to start the paperwork.  I told him I just wanted the $14.99 oil change.

Todd:    We can upgrade for $20.00…


Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the $14.99 oil change.


Todd:    But the premium oil change will…


Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the advertized $14.99 oil change.


Todd:    Ok.

The guy that had taken my car keys — and who had my car up in the air by now — came in and said he knew I’m here for the $14.99 oil change but for $20.00 more….

Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the $14.99 oil change.


Guy:    But the premium oil change will…


Me:    No, thanks.  I just need the $14.99 oil change.


Guy:    But the premium oil change will…


Me:    Just the $14.99… $14.99… $14.99… $14.99 oil change, please.

So, he went back out and 15 minutes later, Todd took me out to my car. 

The guys must have really been bored, because pieces of my car were all over the place…

Todd quoted me $354.78 to put the car back together with all the things they were recommending… including replacing a new air filter that had been changed recently.

I was getting irritated at this point, because I came in for a $14.99 oil change—and, now, my car parts were surrounding me, while five guys were trying to tell me the bill was no longer $14.99, but $354.78 

Me:    I’m really irritated right now, because I came in for a $14.99 oil change and somehow you’re writing me bill for $354.78.  I’m really irritated. 

Then the guys started to gang up on me, explaining that my car has 100,000 miles and it’ll need fluid changes and….blah…blah… blah…  [at least, that’s what I started to hear].  When I mentioned that I had life-time service with another mechanic shop regarding the stuff they were quoting, they got aggressive and started pointing out things the “other place” did wrong.

Me:    I’m really irritated with you guys right now.  I’m not going to stand here and play the “finger-pointing” game with you, either.  I just want the $14.99 oil change and my car put back together the way it was when I first came in — with no added or missing parts, please.

Todd:    But we have your car all apart.  You’re already here.  It’ll really be easy to do all of this stuff.

Me:    You don’t understand.  I’m really irritated; and the more you push the more irritated I’ll become.  As I get more and more irritated with you, my barriers will go up.  The more you talk and push… the more I will keep saying, “No” because I’m closing myself off from you.  It doesn’t matter whether you’re right and I’m wrong.  I will say “No” to whatever you say from this point.

Todd:    But we can…

Me:    I understand you need to make money for your shop, but this isn’t how to do it.  What I’m telling you is that I’m very irritated — and no matter what you say from this point on, I’ll say, “No” to it, so you should stop now.  You’ll going to have to learn to stop once the customer is irritated, because pushing will get you nowhere. 

He stopped at that point; the other guys pulled back as well.  My car was put back together, my bill was readjusted to $14.99 plus tax, and my keys were returned to me.

And Todd’s departing words to me were:  I’m leaving you our card, so when you calm down, you can call us and make an appointed for us to finish up the other work for you.

All I could think about was how clear it was to me that I wasn't being heard, seen, or understood...

So, yeah…when I calm down…I’ll be looking for (yet) another mechanic shop…

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How Exactly Do I Do That?

I’m frustrated, annoyed, agitated, and irritated with choir practice tonight.  I know I need to let go of these feelings… but the question is:  How exactly do I do that?

Have you ever struggled with something new — in front of a group of people — and failed miserably with it? 

Have you shared your feelings of failure with the group and have a person in the group make fun of you for it? 

Have you ever wanted to tell that person that if he had a caring bone in his body, he would have offered a supportive hand instead of a kicking foot?

Have you ever wanted to say something to a person but was afraid you’d be viewed as a jealous jerk of a joke, who deserves the ridicule? 

Have you ever been afraid of voicing your opinion for fear that you’ll be seen as the very reflection of your nemesis?

Yeah… these are the feelings I’m struggling with at the moment…

I know I have no control over anyone else — only myself — and I’m not doing a very good job at that tonight. 

I know I need to let these feelings go and move on… but the question is:   How exactly do I do that?

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Secure and at Peace

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this secure and at peace. 

I know this feeling won’t last for very long.  Things will churn up again; fires will need to be put out; something or someone will make me question my choices and intentions… 

I know this, but for today, I’m feeling secure and at peace.

What makes today different?

Well, yesterday, my new neighbor made it a point to let me know that I could call him and his wife whenever I needed help.  As a single woman, this assurance is worth more than a pot of gold.

The day before that, I met a very nice couple, who was starting their lawn maintenance business.  Even though our relationship is based on business, it's still comforting to know that I can call them for help with the house.

The day before that, I let a stranger disorient me a bit — and not in a good way.  He contacted me through one of those online dating sites.  His profile stated that he was a Christian counselor, and he reached out to me because he felt that he and I had a lot in common. I wrote him back and answered his questions.

In his second email, he confessed and apologized for his initial thoughts about me.  At first, he didn’t believe I was who I said I was.  He thought I wasn’t a real person, but someone who created an open and positive profile for the sole purpose of baiting and using people.  After I responded to his inquiry, he realized his mistake and apologized for his initial thoughts.

What is it in my openness that this counselor finds intimidating — intimidating to the point that he felt compelled to attack my genuineness?  I also wonder how many other “professional counselors” would question my sincerity and motives.

Do you know how painful it is to open yourself up to others and have them tell you they don’t believe you?

So... yeah... that day didn’t start out so good for me.

But, later that afternoon, I shared the Christian counselor’s confession and my self-doubts with Katherine.  She made an interesting observation.  She wondered how effective he was as a counselor, if he uses the same techniques on his patients.  How open and comfortable will people be with him?

As for my doubts about what we’re doing, Katherine has no doubts.  This experience just reveals that we have something to share with others that professional counselors may not be able to envision…

So, yeah… it’s because of these wonderful and supportive people surrounding me, that I feel so secure and at peace, today.

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Lost Myself for a Moment

As you can imagine, anxiety plagued me the entire week before the women’s retreat.  As the days and hours ticked closer to the start of it, I grew more and more pensive and uncomfortable — but I had agreed to go… and go I shall. 

Once we got to the campsite, I started mentally checking off items on my ever-growing anxiety list.  The more I was able to check things off, the more comfortable I became.

• Indeed, I was free to come and go as I pleased.  There were no locked gates or barriers that prevented me from leaving.
• The site was an opened campground, with an outside kitchen, a covered meeting area, and a mobile unit that was used as a community center meeting room.  If the nights were too cold for camping out in tents, we could sleep on the floor of the mobile unit.  There were also outside showers and bathrooms. 
• Trees and foliage created small, intimate areas throughout the property.  These peaceful coves created natural, private havens for people to set up their tents — as well as provided shared common areas where groups could freely gather.
• Although participants were encouraged to spend the nights there, we were free to leave and return in the morning if we preferred.  I chose to do the latter, although most everyone else stayed the nights.
• Instead of being blindly led from one activity to another, we were given a flexible agenda, so we would know what was planned for the weekend — with the understanding that things could change along the way.
• I didn’t have time to feel out of place because as soon as we stepped onto the property, the spiritual leader put us to work — setting things up for the night’s festivities.  [Hint:  This is one of the fastest ways to make members feel part of a group — having them work together on a common task or goal.] 

Even with all our prep-work, as the weekend progressed, the differences between the group and me became glaringly apparent.  There was no preventing it… no hiding it.  I was, indeed, labeled “vanilla” — as we had predicted. 

At first, this unnerved me.  I wanted to fit in; I wanted to be liked; I wanted to be accepted… and when I was labeled “vanilla,” I felt as if I had failed. 

Katherine took me aside and reminded me that I needn’t force anything.  All I needed to be was myself and I will fit in.  Simply be.

  

Simply be. 

To “simply be” meant to acknowledge the truth of the situation.  I am different from the group; there’s no denying it, no hiding it, and no changing that fact…

Once I became grounded in that simple truth, another truth surfaced.  This group of women didn’t care that I wasn’t like them.  They were confident women who weren’t concerned about our differences.  They didn’t use every moment to work on me — to conform my thoughts and beliefs to theirs.  They didn’t spend their weekend trying to change me.

They were warm and welcoming.  They were giving of themselves without taking anything from me.  They managed to create an encouraging, open, and protective place where we could share our experiences and dreams without fear of ridicule or rejection.

They were very comfortable with themselves, which allowed me to be comfortable with myself — probably for the first time since my last women’s retreat (20+ years ago).  They accepted me for who I was at that moment… appreciated where I was in my journey… and invited me back to join them for future gatherings.

Yeah, the weekend went far better than I could have imagined, and I am very glad I took the risk. 

Yeah.  It is good for me to get out of my comfort zone and expand my experiences.

Don’t let Katherine know I said this… but she was right, damn it! 

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What Have I Gotten Myself Into?!

 

I ask myself this question almost daily now…  

What have I gotten myself into?!

Katherine and I made lunch plans to work on — what I had hoped would be — the finishing touches of the final version of our book. 

Yes, I’m still trying to encourage Katherine — short of chaining her to a chair — to sit still long enough for us to put this first project to bed.  She still needs to read the book through — cover to cover — and give the OK for us to move on.  We can’t move forward until she does that.

You see, Katherine — lovely person that she is — suffers from two common, modern-day diseases. 

#1:    She’s a master “multitasker” — She doesn’t focus on one thing for any length of time.  She’s involved in three or four things at a time.  She’s late for most things because she over-commits.  She tends to cancel things at the last minute... because she over-promises from the start… 

#2:    She’s also a perfectionist — She’s never satisfied with what she has accomplished.  She always wants more… always striving for more.  Projects are never “completed” because they can always be better.

How does all this affect the progress of our book?  Well, the fact that she can’t devote 30 minutes at a time, to sit down and read the book, makes it difficult for her to get through the entire book…

And when she does sit down for a couple of minutes at a time, she thinks of all the things we don’t have in the book, instead of focusing on what we have tackled in the book.  I swear that she wants this first book to capture all the answers to every question uttered by every man and woman who lived on Planet Earth… starting with Adam and Eve.

Now, mix in my impatience with her tendencies toward multitasking and perfectionism — well, let’s just say that we’re getting nowhere fast on completing the final draft of our book together.

I was really hoping that our lunch meeting would move us leaps and bounds ahead; and I was encouraged when she pulled out her laptop and started booting it up. 

But those hopes were squashed when she mentioned that, in her haste to meet me, she forgot to bring the printed manuscript that contained all her notes.  Without that printed manuscript, we couldn’t discuss her changes…but she knew she wanted to add yet another section to the book, so it would encompass even more….

As I choked down my disappointment, I agreed to work on a new section with her, because it would add to the book… but she had to promise me that this was going to be the last time!!  This adding more and more stuff had to stop at some point!!  We can’t publish the book if we never finish writing it!!

Yes, yes… she agreed.

I asked when we could get together again to pull together that new section.

Katherine:  “Well, let me think.  It’ll have to wait for a couple of weeks, because I’ve got all this other stuff to do...”


Me:  “Katherine, I don’t want another two months to go by…”


Katherine:  “I know, I know… but… I don’t have any free time…. unless…OH!  unless…”

When she outlined her plan to me, all I could think of was….

Now what have I gotten myself into?!

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Just When I Started to Have Some Sense of Control…

Really!!  Come on!  You’ve got to be kidding me!!!  

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been making myself crazy by researching self-publishing companies and comparing rotten apples to green oranges…

It was just two days ago, when I figured out which self-publishing path I felt most comfortable with.  All of them had their advantages and disadvantages, but the one I picked gave us more control and more royalties, with less expense on our part.  Yes, it meant more work on my end, but I was OK with that.

So, now I’ve been in the experimenting mode — formatting the book on my own, researching how to create ebooks, book covers, etc.  The more I do, the less it will cost to produce the book and more we can spend on promotion and marketing… at least that’s the plan.

I’m feeling better about things because I feel that we are moving again… moving down the path of being published.  I’m no longer in a holding pattern.  I’m no longer waiting… waiting… waiting…

I feel more in control of things!  Yea!!!!

And tonight — as I’m researching and learning all about copyright registration and Library of Congress cataloging — up pops an email from the California independent publisher — the publisher that asked us to revamped the book to fit their marketing niche. 

And we did just that.  We revamped the whole book for them.  I resubmitted it to them months ago, with several follow-up emails to make sure they received the new rewrites.  When I didn’t hear back from them, I simply assumed they weren’t interested in the rewrite, and I simply moved on.

Turns out, the person I was working with at that publishing house recently left that publisher, and a new person has taken her place.  This woman hasn’t had a chance to look at our material yet, but wanted to assure me that they did receive it.

Great!  Now what do we do?

Do we put our self-publishing plans on hold, until this “real” publisher gets back to us? 

Everything that I’ve been researching, experimenting, and teaching myself would be… well, taken care of by the publisher.  The book would become their property and our royalties would be less, but…

A “real” publisher can get us into bookstores and libraries and open doors to promotional events that would be closed to self-publishers.  Our book would be more eligible to be cataloged in the Library of Congress, which makes us easier to find.  [I learned that on-demand and self-published works are out of the scope for the Cataloging in Publication (CIP) program for the Library of Congress.]

We also wouldn’t carry the “stigma” of the “vanity press” label that self-publishers have to deal with…

All this only happens if a publisher takes us on —and this new acquisitions editor still hasn’t looked at our new book proposal and revamped book.  She may pass on it as well.

So, what does all this mean?  It means I’m back waiting… waiting… waiting…

Waiting for her to either work with us or send us another “encouraging letter of hope.”

And all this happens just as I start to have some sense of control…

Really!!  Come on!  You’ve got to be kidding me!!! 

That Didn’t Last Very Long…

Just got word from the “intrigued” publisher…

Although our work is interesting and intriguing, their listing is all booked for the next year and can’t place our book on it for now… She wishes us the best of luck…

That’s the catch in all of this…

The larger publishers won’t look at our work because we haven’t been published… and the smaller publishers who will look at us — and are moved by our stuff — don’t have the staff, resources, and publishing power to take on more than they already have.

Seems like an endless cycle for us.  I feel a bit like Don Quixote, fighting my own personal giants.

Like the song, Windmills of Your Mind, from the Thomas Crown Affair:

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Anyway, I’m trying to think of another strategy, while still sending out (pointless) queries and book proposals.

If only I can connect with some established authors in the field that we want to break into, maybe they could help us.  It’s worth a try. 

What’s the worst thing that can happen?  They ignore our request… and heaven knows, I’m used to that by now.

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Never Satisfied

I went bowling for the first time in more than two decades. I warned my friend that I was terrible, but she didn’t mind.  She bowls once a week in her boyfriend’s league, and she thought our outing would give her a fun way to practice.

I was true to my word.  I WAS terrible!  I bowled a “34” in the first game.  It’s amazing, I’m given 20 chances to hit the pins, and I only mange to knock down 34 pins in all that time.  As you can imagine, most of my rolls ended in the gutter.

It was fun, though; because we celebrated every time I actually managed to keep the ball on the lane and hit something. 

We paid for two games; so, with my chin held high, I tried again and again.  I was determined to beat “34” in this next game.  I was so bad the first time that I didn’t think I could get any worse.

It wasn’t until mid-game that I tried something unconventional… and managed to strike all the pins down in one throw. 

I tried it again and managed another strike… and then another… followed by spares and more strikes…

Both my friend and I were in disbelief, along with the people in the lane next to us.  They couldn’t believe it either!!!

I ended that game with “127.”  Unbelievable!!!

We both bowled our “personal best” in that second game, so thought we’d pick up a third game.

That was a mistake.  My fingers were getting tired, I was getting hungry, and my attention span was waning for this game — and all of this showed in the third game.  I was much better than the first game — hard not to be—but not as good as in the second.

But in the third game, if I got anything less than a strike or a spare, I was disappointed. 

The celebratory feel of the first game and the disbelief of the second game were missing in this last game.  In the first game, I was happy to hit ANYTHING.  In the second game, I was amazed at hitting so many. 

In the third game, I focused on what I missed and not what I had hit.  Instead of being happy with how much I improved from the first game, I ended the night disappointed.

Too many times, we do the same in life.  We focus on what we don’t have and not on all the things we do have.  

We'd enjoy our lives so much more if we would stop doing that.

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OH, NO YOU DIDN’T!!!

I’ve shared with you that I volunteer with an e-mentoring program.   It’s a way to help hundreds/thousands of students as they transition from junior high to high school and out into the adult world.

I’m working with a number of super kids this year — very bright, intuitive, caring, and confident. 

Let me give you a quick example:

One of the assignments asked the mentees to answer the following question:  

“Is there anyone your age who has a job that you envy or a job that you know will help them get into college or into better employment? Describe the job that you envy.  Could you find a similar job for yourself? Why or why not?”

 

When I first read that question, I saw red... really RED!  All I could think of was:

OH, NO YOU DIDN’T!!!

The problem with the program's question is that it sets up the impression that it’s acceptable to feel envious of another’s good fortune — without re-enforcing the importance of the warning signals behind such a feeling.  It opens a door into a darkened room, without making any attempt to shed light on the issues that underlie feelings of envy and jealousy.
 
The best test of a healthy self-image is how excited and pleased you are when something good happens to another.  Am I as excited about your good fortune as you are?  If I’m not, then I’m struggling with insecurities and doubts about my self-image.   

Even if the organization doesn’t get it, my students do!  I just love one of my student’s answer to this question. 

She wrote:  “… and if my friends did have a good job, I wouldn't envy them; I would be proud for them.”

I’m really proud of her, and she’s just one of the amazing kids I’ve met through this volunteer program.  

[As a side note:  I emailed the organization and asked if they could reconsider the wording of that particular question.  We'll see what response I get from them.]

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Out with the Old!

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OK, my little tantrum and pity party is over from the other day. 

I brooded my way through the list of publishers again.  I emailed more than a dozen, and prepared mailers for another nine publishers.  

Then I did something really constructive.  I went through my stack of papers from all the writing projects, and filled my recycle bin with papers and copies of the “old versions” of the friendship book, of the teen book, and of the children’s books. 

Since each book has to be redone, to follow the new format we’ve created with the friendship book, there was no reason for me to hold on to what’s no longer usable. 

That de-cluttering project helped me let go of the past and move on to the new path we’re undertaking.  As I threw away all the papers, I freed myself to move forward.

After all, you get nowhere looking back to something that cannot be. 

Just keep looking ahead and moving forward.

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What is Confidence?

This HARO (help a reporter out) queries are interesting.  This last query had a reporter asking what traits make up a confident person.

That’s an interesting question.  I know that skill and talent have nothing to do with a person’s level of confidence.  I know people who are extremely talented and skilled, but their lack of self-confidence stops them from succeeding. 

At the other end of the spectrum, I know plenty of self-confident people who display no skill or talent whatsoever, but that minor detail doesn’t stop these people one bit!

I remember one agitated person coming to me, complaining, “I thought you told me she can sing!”

“No… I never said she could sing.  I said that she was planning to sing a song for the program.  There’s a difference.”

The person responded, “Well, after her performance, I told her she sounded great, because I felt really bad for her…  But really!!!  Who told her she can sing!!!”

“Ummm… people like you, who go up after a performance and tell her she sounded great…”

Yes.  Confidence has little to do with talent or skill.  It has to do with how others react to us. 

Yes.  Self-confidence comes from within us, but first our self-confidence must be ignited by someone else.

Before I can believe in myself… before I can have confidence in my abilities… before I can like myself… I have to realize that there is something in me that is actually “likable” to others, that is admired by others, that is valued by another person.  Someone has to show me this fact.  Someone has to prove this to me before I can believe it to be true — before I can see it in myself.

Our self-image mirrors the reflections of those faces around us.  If your family and friends showered you with compliments as you grew up, they filled you with confidence.  Because you were shown early on that you were someone special, you are confident and comfortable with yourself today.

If positive influences have positive effects, then the opposite is true as well.  If those I respect and admire think I am great, then I must be great.  If they think I am worthless, then I must be worthless.

 If I am told every day that I’m not good enough or that I’m a failure, I will start to believe it.  I would lack confidence in my abilities. 

So, confidence has very little to do with talent and skill.  It has to do with our perception of ourselves; and our self-portrait of ourselves has to begin with what others tell us about ourselves.

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