Why Does Every Encounter Have to End As a Power Struggle?

Warning!!  Venting Zone Ahead!

Thank goodness I have Friday off.  It’s the beginning of the week, and I’m already fed up with the office for the week! 

My main frustration regarding the “professional" (?) work environment — in which I spend 50 hours a week — is the fact that those working there don’t respect each other.  They don’t have the attitude of working together… of collaboration… of supporting cooperation… of sustaining healthy relationships with one another.

Why does every encounter have to turn into a power struggle around here?  

Why can’t a person have a pleasant conversation with someone in the kitchen, without being reprimanded for it? 

Why are employees so focused on covering their butts, instead of focused on working together to come up with solutions?

Yeah… I’m frustrated…

All of this goes against my core value system.  I don’t like being a part of a company that has avoiding responsibility, bullying, and blaming others running freely through its vein-like corridors.  

People go around assuming the worst of others, jumping to negative conclusions, and accusing others instead of accepting the consequences of their own actions.  

This behavior is practiced and encouraged by the Head of the division; therefore, it’s understandable why this type of behavior permeates throughout the workplace. 

When I complain, they simply shrug.  If you don’t like the office politics, you’re welcome to leave.  You’re expendable… replaceable… disposable…

The saddest part is that if/when I do leave, I’ll find that the next place will be the same or even worse…

Yeah… Friday’s not coming soon enough for me…

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The Self-Righteous Thief

I had one of my funny little dreams…

The dream begins with two detectives searching through my house.  I’m explaining to them that my cash, credit cards, identification, and jewelry have been stolen from me. 

They ask me a series of questions and I answer them the best I can…

• No, I wasn’t home at the time.  Whoever broke in must have known there was plenty of time.

• No.  I have no idea why the thief would spread religious prayer cards and pamphlets all around my place.

• No.  That’s not my bible.  Mine is on the bookshelf.  The thief must have left that one, along with all the other religious paraphernalia.

• No.  I have no idea why the thief would paint religious symbols all over the outdoor screens, windows, and glass door.

Shaking their heads in disbelief, the detectives bag all the prayer cards and bible as evidence — highly doubting that they will find fingerprints on the items.

They continue to take photos of the thief’s religious artwork, especially of the cross painted right next to the screen that was slashed open and the door that was busted in. 

One of the detectives points to the gaping hole in the screen and informs me that they believe that must be how the thief got in.  [Yes, Mr. Detective, I would have to agree…]

And that’s when I woke up.

**** 

It is easy to figure out from where the “inspiration” for this dream comes. 

 

It comes from a conversation I just had with my 86-year-old mother.  I called to see how she was doing and found her very upset.

She had just been visited by two of her sister-in-laws. 

I am sure that these two women meant well and were full of good intentions, but in their religious zealousness, they destroyed my mother’s self-worth, while heightening her guilt and anxieties.

Pray tell, how did they steal these precious things from her?

Ah… They did it by bringing over a number of prayer cards and pamphlets for my mother to read, digest, and recite now that she’s homebound.  

"After all," they inform my mother, "there is no greater service to mankind than to pray for the salvation of the world; and the elderly and homebound are the ones who have the time to do it."

When she’s assaulted in this manner, Mom tries to push back as much as she can but the guilt that fuels such pious rhetoric is difficult to fend off. 

How does one go about explaining that you don’t want to spend your days chanting prayers that hold no meaning to you?  How do you go about explaining that you’re not motivated by words that create only guilt and unworthiness within you? 

How do you explain these things to those who only hear their own self-righteous voice?

I consoled Mom the best I could by telling her that her sister-in-laws mean well, but they don’t realize that their way is not right for her.  If chanting prayers all day gives them purpose and a reason to get up each morning, then that is great for them — but that doesn’t give them the right to inflict their beliefs on her.  Just because they do those things do not make them “holier than thou.”

Mom:  Yes it does!


Me: No, it doesn’t.  They are only “holier than thou” because they are telling you that they are holier than you — and for no other reason than that. 


Mom:  Well, Beatrice goes to Daily Mass.


Me:  And Beatrice is a very social person.  With her husband passing away and her eight children being grown and out of the house, she finds going to Daily Mass a nice way of getting out, meeting her friends, and feeling useful.


Mom:    Well, I guess so… but she sits under a tree with a rosary and prays a special pray for each of the 50 states… and…


Me:  Mom, if those things give her purpose and meaning to her life, that great!  I’m happy for her, but that doesn’t give her the right to force her beliefs and routines on you or anyone else.  That doesn’t give her the right to judge you — or anyone else.

I thought I was making some headway, until Mom broke down in tears.  After the tears started flowing, there was no stopping them.

So, that’s how my aunts were able to take my mother’s self-worth, while heightening her guilt and anxieties — with religious prayer cards, pamphlets, and painting pictures of the religious devotion and piety… 

         … much like the self-righteous thief in my dream.

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When Being Right Isn't Nearly Enough

There is no other way to put it.  I hate going to work these days.

Everyone’s stressed because of the resident bully in the office.  He’s free to run havoc in the division, making everyone miserable — but no one has the desire to change things.  He’s been doing it for years and years, so everyone accepts it as “just the way things are.”  Those tired of the treatment simply leave the company.

I go to my supervisor to complain about the situations the bully creates.  She agrees with everything I say.  She keeps telling me that I am right.  I am right that it shouldn’t be this way.  I am right that things should be different — but she tells me that nothing will change.

I take my complaints to my supervisor’s supervisor — the Vice President of the company.  He also tells me that he agrees with me.  He keeps telling me that I am right.  He wishes things can be different, but there’s nothing he can do about the bully.  He has no power to change things.  And with that, he sends me out of his office.

Everywhere I turn, people are telling me that I’m right, but that’s not enough for me — not nearly enough.

Whenever the bully interacts with me, I push back.  At once, he backs down and immediately runs to my supervisor.  He tells her that he will no longer work with me because of my attitude.  He will only deal with her.

Oh, dear!  I’m so deeply wounded by this declaration of his!  Instead of addressing me directly, he will use my supervisor as the go-between, forcing her to deal with the bully, instead of me.  How can I live with such an arrangement?

Actually, this heavenly situation only lasts a couple of weeks at a time, and then he comes after me again.  I push back, and the cycle repeats itself… over and over again.

Because the supervisor doesn’t like dealing with the fallouts of these encounters, I am told that, although I am right, it’s best not to confront the bully head on.  She — and everyone else — makes excuses for the bully, allowing him to continue his reign of terror. 

Because I am not moved to change my position, I am told that it’s best not to rock the boat.  The bully can make things harder for me…

I’m confused.  Exactly how can he make things harder for me?  It’s not he who is allowing this to continue.  He has no authority over me.  He doesn’t evaluate me, doesn’t discipline me, and can’t fire me. 

The only power he holds is the power others give him.  If people would stand up together and say, “Enough is enough!” then the bully would lose his ability to intimidate the office.

But no one is willing to stand up.   Management would rather support the negative environment, allow good employees to be harassed and disrespected, and force good employees to leave their employ… instead of taking positive steps to deal with the issue.

Yeah, everyone’s telling me that I’m right, but that’s not enough — not nearly enough…

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I’m Not Used to This

I told you that I was reaching out to various organizations and associations to see if they would help us with getting our children’s book picked up by publishers.

Well, the Florida Department of Education pointed me toward the 67 individual school board districts throughout Florida.  I contacted my district and a neighboring one as well.  My plan was to contact each of the 67 districts, one by one, and see who would respond to our request, if any.

Within a couple of hours, I received emails back from the school boards willing to discuss our projects.  Some back-and-forth emails later, those involved with elementary education and bullying prevention programs for the school districts, along with the district’s school’s social work supervisor have offered to review our manuscripts and give us their feedback.

Hopefully, our project strikes the right core with them.  If not, I’ve got 65 more districts to contact.

I’ve also reached out to Abundant Assets Alliance—which combines YMCA of the USA and Canada and Search Institute (three distinguishing organizations with proven success in building strong kids).  One person with Search Institute emailed me back to let me know that she was forwarding my email to her colleague.

I know all these people could come back and tell me that they can’t help us, but I’m just excited that each one of them took the time to reach out and make contact.

After months and months of reaching out to publishers and literary agents — only to receive cold silence from them — it’s a pleasant and welcoming change to have people actually respond back.

I guess I’m just not used to this.


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We'll Need More than 2 Minutes to Solve This Problem

I’ve been working on adding audio videos to our YouTube channel and have moved into recording more pieces from the teen book, Ready or Not—Life’s Coming at Ya.

I posted the first story from the Bullying section of the book (Part 3).  Of course, when I posted and reviewed it, YouTube pulls a list of other videos that deal with the subject of bullying.

Listed on the side were videos from sessions in Congress, discussing the issue.  There were sessions from various school boards discussing the issue.  There were videos on the Children’s Forum Debate.  There were various videos showing gameplays for bully online games.  

In the list of all of these, there was one video that was titled “How To Deal with Bullies”.  The video took less than 1 ½ minutes to view.  The video stated that the answer to dealing with bullies is to simply avoid the bully.

Just walk the other way, stay out of his way, or take a different route…

GOSH!  Let’s give ourselves a collective slap on our foreheads!  Why didn’t we think of that?!

If it was that easy, why has bullying become such an epidemic?  Why are kids committing suicide over it?

GOSH!  If it’s that easy, then what’s the problem?

The problem is that it’s NOT that easy.  Bullies exist everywhere.  We go to school with them; we work with them; some of us live with them and even worse, are forced to sleep with them. 

No.  It’s hard for me to openly admit this, but a bully has qualities that we, as a society, admire and reward.  The bully personifies the “survival-of-the-fittest” mentality that permeates our human psyche.

 

Notice how most people you meet have this drive to compete against you, to gain control, to gain the upper hand, to dominate a situation, to get the last word in a conversation, to win an argument, to possess another person, to fight for that competitive advantage, etc.  Our culture thrives on this facet of our human-ness.  There is this internal hunger in us to assert ourselves over everything and everyone around us.  It is in this way that we carry a bit of the bully in each one of us. 

It’s this internal bully that scares me the most — and the fact that, as a society, we praise and reward the survival-of-the-fittest attitude over the virtues we pledge our allegiances to… truth, integrity, fairness, justice, kindness, generosity, apple pie, and the American Way…

Ironically, in preserving the human race in this manner — through the survival-of-the-fittest (a/k/a bullying) method — we lose what makes us human.  The very trait that has preserved our species has destroyed our humanity.  This survival-of-the-fittest theme prevents, if not totally destroys, the emotional survival of humanity.  It hinders the possibility of experiencing and cultivating quality relationships with friends and couples and within families and social groups.  It stands in the way of the most fundamental and vital element of a relationship.  It stands in the way of trust. 

I want this to change in our society. 

I want civility to come back into our civilization.

I want our human-ness to survive in humanity.  

These are the desires that feed my need to publish our books and create the audio videos.  This is what feeds my craving to get these bullying segments up.

I know what I want to share with others will take longer than 1 ½ minutes, but, if I can prevent someone from becoming another victim of bullying, it’ll be well worth the time.

Yeah.  We’ll need more than 2 minutes to solve this problem.

P.S. I was so "motivated" by this post that we've posted a number of YouTube audio clips/videos dealing with the bullying subject -- http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=2AspiringAuthors&aq=f. 

Please check them out and give us feedback.  Thanks.