Why Does Every Encounter Have to End As a Power Struggle?

Warning!!  Venting Zone Ahead!

Thank goodness I have Friday off.  It’s the beginning of the week, and I’m already fed up with the office for the week! 

My main frustration regarding the “professional" (?) work environment — in which I spend 50 hours a week — is the fact that those working there don’t respect each other.  They don’t have the attitude of working together… of collaboration… of supporting cooperation… of sustaining healthy relationships with one another.

Why does every encounter have to turn into a power struggle around here?  

Why can’t a person have a pleasant conversation with someone in the kitchen, without being reprimanded for it? 

Why are employees so focused on covering their butts, instead of focused on working together to come up with solutions?

Yeah… I’m frustrated…

All of this goes against my core value system.  I don’t like being a part of a company that has avoiding responsibility, bullying, and blaming others running freely through its vein-like corridors.  

People go around assuming the worst of others, jumping to negative conclusions, and accusing others instead of accepting the consequences of their own actions.  

This behavior is practiced and encouraged by the Head of the division; therefore, it’s understandable why this type of behavior permeates throughout the workplace. 

When I complain, they simply shrug.  If you don’t like the office politics, you’re welcome to leave.  You’re expendable… replaceable… disposable…

The saddest part is that if/when I do leave, I’ll find that the next place will be the same or even worse…

Yeah… Friday’s not coming soon enough for me…

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Primary Relationships

In my last post, I mentioned the term “primary relationship” and I’m afraid that I might have confused some people with that term.

All of us juggle a number of relationships in our daily lives:  family, friends, intimate partners, business partners, associates, casual acquaintances, etc.   Each relationship takes our time, energy, and attention.

Although there isn’t a single universally accepted definition, the term “primary relationship” denotes a high level of involvement you have with another.  Simply put:  Where your attention is, your heart will also be.

This high level of involvement could be an intense, emotional attachment and connection to another person… or it could be formed by financial and living arrangements… or it can be sustained by the sharing of child-rearing responsibilities.

This “high level of involvement” doesn’t necessarily have to involve other people nor does this “involvement” have to be a healthy one.  Various addictions fall into this category — where the only thing that matters to the person is the next fix.  Narcissistic personalities can have a primary relationship with themselves above all others.  [And to clarify:  These are NOT the types of healthy primary relationships I was referring to in the last post.]

For now, let’s focus on couples in primary relationships… 

This high level of involvement between you and your partner places that partner on “top of your relationship list.”  This primary relationship is the relationship that takes precedence over all others.  When that person needs something, you put everyone else “on hold” and take care of that person’s need. 

Now, this works great if both partners are primary partners for each other.  Each knows that the other will be there for the other… above all others.  Their expectations are met by the other.

The problem comes in when we believe we’re in a primary relationship with another, but that other person doesn’t give us that primary status.  We’re not on the top of the relationship list, but mixed somewhere in the middle or bottom.  Because of this, our expectations are not being met.

Let me give you some examples:

Scene 1:

Two people start to date.  After several months, both pledge their love to the other.  For the woman, she begins to build her expectations for the relationship.  She expects to be placed on the top of his relationship list — above his mother, father, sisters, male friends, sports events, computer games, etc. 

For the man, he sees himself picking up a new and developing relationship that he fits into his already full schedule.  This new relationship is not treated as a primary relationship, but as one of many that he deals with throughout his day. 

As the relationship evolves, the woman presses for more of his attention, and the more she presses the more he pulls away.  Her persistent requests for his time and attention are viewed as nagging, clinging, and needy.  Stress and frustrations develop between the two because expectations aren’t being met. 

Scene 2:

Another man and woman are primary partners for each other.  A newborn enters the picture.  During the baby’s early months/years, the mother’s attention shifts from her partner to their baby.  After taking care of the baby all day and night, the mother has no energy to give to her partner.  Her partner begins to feel unseen and rejected.  His needs are not being met as they once were.

Scene 3:

The husband works long hours, takes calls in the middle of the night, and is off on long business trips.  His primary relationship has shifted to his company and his successful career — and away from his wife.  As for the wife, she still needs to be in a primary relationship… if not with her husband, then with someone else.

The expectations built into a primary relationship play a key role in each of these scenarios.  As each partner fulfills the other’s needs, things run smoothly — but once expectations become unfulfilled, frustration begins to seep into the cracks of the relationship.  If left unattended, other feelings may move in as well… feelings like hurt, blame, anger, rejection, jealousy, distrust, betrayal, etc. 

Anyway…that’s what I meant by primary relationships.  Simply put:  Where your attention is, your heart will also be.

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Team Spirit

I just received an agitated call from a friend.  She was upset because she was just told by her boss that she was not a team player. 

She had a departmental meeting earlier today.  During the meeting, she made the mistake of bringing up her frustrations regarding inefficiencies in the way they did things.  She outlined several processes that were adding costs to their production without adding any value to their customers.  She asked why couldn’t they eliminate those activities and save the company money.  Their limited resources and employees could be directed toward products that were generating income for the company.

Her manager was greatly moved by such suggestions — moved to the point of being insulted and angry with her.  He felt that she was threatening him and giving him ultimatums…

That’s when he said that he was very disappointed in the fact that she was not a team player.

She tried to explain that if he could show sales figures or analysis or customer surveys that supported the current process, she wouldn’t be so frustrated with being asked to support the process.

He had neither the need nor time to find out which products are making a profit for their division and which are not.  Even if she was right about the ineffective and inefficient processes, it didn’t matter.  It didn’t matter if their division loses money.  As long as the company (as a whole) makes money, he’ll get his increases. 

She was told not to concern herself with such things.  Just do what she is told — no questions asked.   

And start being a team player or find another place of employment.

The ironic part of this story is that it’s the manager, and not my friend, who lacks the team spirit.

The saddest part of this story is that this “management style” permeates through corporate America like freshly popped popcorn.  Intelligent, competent employees are not seen as valued assets — but replaceable, bothersome pieces. 

A word to the wise:  We all have the desire to be seen, to be heard, and to be appreciated — but, rarely, do we get these needs fulfilled on the job site.  Make sure you develop a support group outside the workplace to fill these needs for you.

The workplace is simply that — the workplace.  It’s not your home.

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Why Am I Trying So Hard?

Why am I trying so hard to get published?  Because I want to quit my day job.

I’m tired of being frustrated everyday, from the moment I walk into the office to the moment I rush out its door at the end of the day.

I keep telling people that Frustration = Unfulfilled Expectations.

I keep telling people that the only way to reduce one’s frustration is to either work toward fulfilling one’s expectations or reduce the expectations to a level that can be fulfilled.

I test this theory over and over again — more than I can count — and everywhere I go. 

And I can tell you that the ONE place this NEVER works for me is at work!

Why doesn’t this work for me at work? 

Ironically, it’s my supervisor who unravels this mystery. 

She says it’s because I am a logical person in a place where logic is banned and that I’ve never learned how not to care about things.

      

The only way I can reduce my frustration at work is to stop thinking and stop caring… and I can’t do either.

So, I am predestined to be frustrated every moment of every day at work.

That’s why I’m trying so hard to get published — so I can quit my day job.

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The Institution of Marriage

Well, that last entry generated quite a discussion between Katherine and me. 

The main point of the debate dealt with the sentence:  “She’s making her plans based on the promise of marriage.” 

Katherine felt that that sentence focused on the institution of marriage as a functional means to an end — and not the ongoing courtship for two people in a relationship.  Was that my intent?

Well, I guess so.  My actual intent was to describe what I saw — not what I thought ought to be. I was describing what was, not what should be… in my humble opinion.

People get married for various reasons — only one being that they desire a long-lasting and healthy relationship with each other.

I’ve had many, many, many friends tell me their stories: 

• When they were in their twenties, my friends would tell me that they planned to be married by a certain age, with two children (first the boy, followed by a girl) — and these promises were made without a Mr. Right in the picture. 
• Others got married to escape from their current situation.
• A week before her wedding, another friend confessed that she didn’t think her fiancé was the right guy for her, but she’s going to marry him, because she’s afraid of being alone.
• Another friend told me she settled for her husband because she was afraid that time was slipping away.  She didn’t want to wait any longer, in the hopes of someone else asking her, because she was convinced that no one else would ask her.
• Several friends tell me that they got married, simply because it was expected of them — expected (and a little pressured) by their family, friends, colleagues, etc. 
• Others felt that marriage was the next step.  They were dating the same guy for a while, and it was time to get married — just like becoming parents was the next step after that, even though they never felt that nurturing craving for children.    

Add to their stories, the stories of those who marry for money, prestige, control, and power. 

Add to their stories, the stories of arranged marriages of past and present— made all over the world.

Add to that how corporate America and the government financially reward married couples over singles and that companies are more generous and lenient with those with families than those without.

And don't get me wrong!  I've had friends tell me that they married their best friend, that they married their soul-mates, the love of their lives, their one and only... and that they're in a never-ending courtship.  They admit it takes work and unending commitment.  They've had their ups and downs... but it's all worth it.  

So, yeah… the institution of marriage has its advantages.  For many, marriage brings with it a sense of maturity, dependability, normalcy, financial assistance, social acceptance, respect, companionship, love, acceptance, and partnership. 

I see nothing wrong with this… just as long as the expectations and needs of all those involved are being met.

The problem arises when one party wants more from the relationship than the other.  One may be needing more than the other is capable of giving.  Unfulfilled expectations start to create distance between the couple and family unit.  Resentment and anger moves into the spaces where respect, trust, and acceptance once lived. 

One friend was in a relationship and decided that it was much easier to break things off than it was to invest the time and energy needed to get her needs met with a particular partner.  She’d rather be on her own than be dissatisfied in the relationship.

She felt conflicted by her decision because she felt she would be disappointing so many people if she ended the relationship.  She feared that her family and friends would label her as being selfish and childish. 

I, on the other hand, applauded her for her self-awareness, self-assessment, and honesty.  It would have been unethical to go into a partnership with another person, already knowing that she was not willing to put forth the ongoing effort necessary to sustain the partnership. 

So… what marriage is and what it ought to be are two different things.  I can’t define what a marriage “ought to be” for a couple.  Only those involved in the marriage can do that.

What I can tell you is that both parties’ expectations and needs must be met if it is to be a successful partnership.

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Publish America

I ran into a Christian publisher on the Internet and thought it wouldn’t hurt to pitch our material to them.

As I was doing so, I had this really creepy, uneasy feeling running through me… but I didn’t listen to it.

The website for Publish America looked official with lots of happy testimonials from their authors… and they made it super easy to submit your pitch.  They stated that they “adhere to the traditional publishing concept”. 

The website said that they would get back to you in 24 hours; and for an impatient person like me, 24 hours sounded like a reasonable time to wait for an answer.

But, as I was doing all of this, I had this really creepy, uneasy feeling running through me… but I didn’t listen to it.

I prepared the submission and hit the submit button.

It wasn’t until the next morning that I started listening to the really creepy, uneasy feeling running through me.

So, I googled Publish America and the word SCAM came up in the headline search.

Oops!

In reading the material on the Internet, I can’t say that Publish America is scamming their authors, but neither are they helping their authors.  The term scam deals with deceit, fraud, swindling, trickery, etc.

I can’t say this publisher is scamming their authors… although they are not providing the services that are expected from a truly “traditional” publisher — which is what is causing the complaints.

They seem to be a hybrid mix between self-publishing and traditional publishing.  The authors don’t have to pay to get their books published, but nor does the publisher help promote, distribute, or market the books either.  Past clients have complained that this publisher jacks up the cover price past a reasonable selling point and doesn’t pay royalties as promised.  The publisher will accept any manuscript submitted, will do minimum editing, if any, and will push out a product that some bookstores refuse to place on their shelves.

As I’m reading all of this — instead of hitting myself on the head for not listening to the really creepy, uneasy feeling running through me — I tell myself that when they come back and say they’d love to publish our book, I’ll end it there.

To be fair, this publisher has a right to make a profit and be in business.  They may be a good fit for some authors, but I’d rather pass at this time.

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The Ethical Will

I guess the best way of summing up what we're attempting to do with our various books is that we're trying to define and share our ethical legacy with you. 

Many do this through an ethical will; and, although we may have gone about it in a different way, we're doing the same type of thing.

An ethical will isn’t a new concept, but one that is rarely discussed around the dinner table at home or the water cooler at work… or in the doctor’s, accountant’s, or lawyer’s office… or even in the church parking lot.

An ethical will is used to pass on insight and love to future generations.  It can include family history and cultural and spiritual values; blessings and expressions of love; hopes and dreams for children and grandchildren; life-lessons and wisdom of life experience; requests for forgiveness for regretted actions; the rationale for philanthropic and personal financial decisions; stories about meaningful issues; clarification about and personalization of advance health directives; and requests for ways to be remembered after death, etc.

Many of us — as responsible adults — spend much of our time contemplating how to provide for our loved ones… now and after we’ve passed away.  We want to leave this world with the peace of mind of knowing that we’ve done the best we could for our families…

We work hard at creating our financial worth and then defining how it would be spent once we can no longer spend it ourselves.  We make time out of our busy schedules to meet with accountants and attorneys to outline such wishes.

Our self-worth becomes so tied up in how much money and property we’ve managed to gather around us… that it’s easy to ignore the essence of our “selves”. 

We spend so much time preparing our financial legacy that that’s all we see as having to give to our loved ones.

What else would you like to pass on to the next generation? 

Wouldn’t you like to pass on your ethical legacy as well as your financial legacy? 

Would you like to share the lessons that took you a lifetime to learn?  Aren’t such lessons just as valuable as the estate that we’ve accumulated over the years? 

Do you have silent hopes and dreams for your loved ones?  Are there feelings of love and forgiveness you want to share?  Aren’t these things much more valuable than the money and property we’re so desperately preserving for future generations?

It’s just something to think about; and something that doesn't have to wait  — until after you're gone —  to be shared...



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