That Didn’t Last Very Long…

Just got word from the “intrigued” publisher…

Although our work is interesting and intriguing, their listing is all booked for the next year and can’t place our book on it for now… She wishes us the best of luck…

That’s the catch in all of this…

The larger publishers won’t look at our work because we haven’t been published… and the smaller publishers who will look at us — and are moved by our stuff — don’t have the staff, resources, and publishing power to take on more than they already have.

Seems like an endless cycle for us.  I feel a bit like Don Quixote, fighting my own personal giants.

Like the song, Windmills of Your Mind, from the Thomas Crown Affair:

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Anyway, I’m trying to think of another strategy, while still sending out (pointless) queries and book proposals.

If only I can connect with some established authors in the field that we want to break into, maybe they could help us.  It’s worth a try. 

What’s the worst thing that can happen?  They ignore our request… and heaven knows, I’m used to that by now.

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Out of the Mouths of Children

That's when we all need the 

hugs and kisses the most.

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Trying to Chillax

I’m taking today off and am doing nothing…well, almost nothing.

The phone has stopped ringing; the laundry is done; the vacuuming and dusting can wait for another day.

The last two weeks have been full of ups and downs: counseling friends and confessing to friends; covering for vacations at work and dealing with unreasonable deadlines; contracting and coordinating contractors to help with home maintenance issues; trying to keep my head firmly planted in reality regarding our writing projects, etc.

Yes, it’s a great feeling to be (somewhat) successful in juggling the different facets of your life… but it is also draining.  If we don’t take time out for ourselves to rejuvenate, we’ll start to lose our balance and focus. We’ll start dropping things all over the place — which isn’t a good thing to do if you’re a master juggler…

So, I’m taking a day off and just chillaxing…

At first, I’d thought I’d go to the movies, but my legs and arms have a different plan.  They’re pulling me back to bed… for an early afternoon nap and a lazy day with the TV remote.

I won’t argue with such a luxurious and guilty pleasure.

I’ll be back juggling in the morning.  See you then.

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Hope’s Working Overtime

It’s hard not to daydream about this, but I can't help it.  It's constantly on my mind.

I’m trying my best not to get excited, because it hurts when I'm forced to wake up from the dream, but...

Another publisher found our proposal and sample passages intriguing, and would be interested in reviewing the full manuscript.

I can’t get over the word she used... “intriguing.”  

As silly as it sounds, that one word holds so much promise for me. 

Yes, Hope’s working overtime.

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Why Won’t Hope Just Leave Me Alone?

As I fall asleep each night, I’ve been listening to “positive-thinking hypnosis tapes” — to keep my spirits up.  

I’ve been preparing myself to weather more silence and rejection from this new wave of publisher queries.

Yep, I’ve been mentally preparing myself… by asking Hope to leave me alone for a while.  If I don’t expect publishers to respond back to me, then I won’t be disappointed when they don’t.

It’s ironic, isn’t it?  Night after night, I fall asleep to faceless strangers whispering to me that I make a difference and that I matter — while, during the day, I’m dealing with faceless publishers showing me that I’m invisible and have nothing to offer them — all because I want to publish books that encourage people to share themselves with others and make a difference to those around them… 

Yep… I’m just going through the motions right now, not getting my hopes up…

I thought I had it all under control… until one of the publishers had the audacity to write us a hand-written encouraging letter of hope, telling us how much she enjoyed our book and how we filled the pages with love and experience.  She wished her company could help us but the genre doesn’t fit their listing, at this time — but she hoped that we find a really good home for our book.

A publisher who is recognized as the leading publisher on autism and Asperger syndrome contacted us to let us know that she received our proposal and that she will read it, discuss it with her partners, and let us know if our children's book is right for them.  They will get back with me in about six weeks. 

In both cases, there were no promises of publication made, and yet…

These two contacts—as short and unpromising as they were — lit the flame of hope and optimism in me again.  (damn it...)

Why won’t Hope just leave me alone?

It's because Hope has made a permanent home in my heart.

Hope will never leave me.

Damn it!

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Expecting Nothing

I scanned another database of more than 250 publishers interested in some form of relational self-help books.

I checked out another library book that lists children’s publishers…

Many publishers are not accepting unsolicited manuscripts or queries.  They want to only deal with well-known literary agents…

But there are a few who will look at our stuff, so I sent out another load of queries for both the relationship book and the children’s book.  I’m just reaching out to as many publishers and agents as I can, all at once — just to get it over with…

I don’t expect anything to come from any of this… 

I’m just going through the motions…

I’m keeping my expectations low, so I won’t be disappointed when I don’t hear from anyone for a long time… if ever.

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Never Satisfied

I went bowling for the first time in more than two decades. I warned my friend that I was terrible, but she didn’t mind.  She bowls once a week in her boyfriend’s league, and she thought our outing would give her a fun way to practice.

I was true to my word.  I WAS terrible!  I bowled a “34” in the first game.  It’s amazing, I’m given 20 chances to hit the pins, and I only mange to knock down 34 pins in all that time.  As you can imagine, most of my rolls ended in the gutter.

It was fun, though; because we celebrated every time I actually managed to keep the ball on the lane and hit something. 

We paid for two games; so, with my chin held high, I tried again and again.  I was determined to beat “34” in this next game.  I was so bad the first time that I didn’t think I could get any worse.

It wasn’t until mid-game that I tried something unconventional… and managed to strike all the pins down in one throw. 

I tried it again and managed another strike… and then another… followed by spares and more strikes…

Both my friend and I were in disbelief, along with the people in the lane next to us.  They couldn’t believe it either!!!

I ended that game with “127.”  Unbelievable!!!

We both bowled our “personal best” in that second game, so thought we’d pick up a third game.

That was a mistake.  My fingers were getting tired, I was getting hungry, and my attention span was waning for this game — and all of this showed in the third game.  I was much better than the first game — hard not to be—but not as good as in the second.

But in the third game, if I got anything less than a strike or a spare, I was disappointed. 

The celebratory feel of the first game and the disbelief of the second game were missing in this last game.  In the first game, I was happy to hit ANYTHING.  In the second game, I was amazed at hitting so many. 

In the third game, I focused on what I missed and not what I had hit.  Instead of being happy with how much I improved from the first game, I ended the night disappointed.

Too many times, we do the same in life.  We focus on what we don’t have and not on all the things we do have.  

We'd enjoy our lives so much more if we would stop doing that.

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Responsiveness in Healthy Relationships

Katherine came across this video that shows the role of responsiveness in healthily relationships. While this footage is of a mother and her baby, it's relevant to all relationships.  

Basically, the video reminds us, that no matter how old we are, we become hurt when those closest to us are non-responsive to our attempts in engaging them in a relationship.

What I find interesting is how quickly the baby responds back after being ignored by the mother.  There's no "holding a grudge" or "getting even" for the hurt inflicted.  The baby's just happy to have her mom interacting with her again.   

I think this is something we can learn from babies. 

Check out the link:   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0&feature=player_embedded

 

 

Held Hostage by the Garage

I packed the car and was ready to get on the road.  I pushed the button for the garage door to open and… nothing happened. 

I pushed it again… and still nothing.

I mumbled to myself that I didn’t have time for this.  I had to be at the church… NOW!

I got out of the car, pulled out the 4’ ladder to reach the manual release, so I can pull the garage door up, manually.  The door wouldn’t move.  It was locked in place.

I looked around, hoping that I was missing something.  I pulled the manual release again and again… only to get the same result over and over again… The door wouldn’t move.

It’s really irritating to be held hostage by a garage door — but this damsel in distress was determined to get out of the garage… hopefully, sooner than later.

It was early on a Sunday morning — not a good time to call friends for help — but I tried Katherine, since she had to be at the same place that I had to be.  Maybe, she could come by and pick me up, but she said that there wasn’t enough time for that…

So, I knocked on my neighbor’s door on an early Sunday morning, hoping he’ll come out to help. 

While I was waiting for him, I noticed — framed in the early morning sunrise — a handsome knight in shining armor on a silver steed, riding toward me.  Running by his side was his trusted sidekick.

Well… actually, it was a guy in shorts, riding a bicycle, with his son running beside him — but, still, they were a welcomed sight! 

While I was flagging that pair down, my neighbor came out in his mix-matched plaid pajamas and “bed hair.”   I really appreciated him coming out as soon as he could to help me.

I explained my situation to these three heroes and begged them to free me from my dungeon.

They were more than eager and capable of dealing with this villain of mine.

It was determined that the garage door’s spring had busted in half.  We were able to get the door up and hold it up long enough for me to get the car out of the garage, before it came slamming down again.

But I was freed!!  And I got to the church on time!!! 

This was amazing how this day turned around for me — all because of my neighbor and those two strangers who came to my aid.

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Enjoy the Simple Pleasures

On the night of September 30, my mother called to tell me her aunt — my great aunt — died at 7:38 that evening.

My great aunt was 96 years old.  She has been in an assisted living facility for twenty years, and for all of that time, she has been wishing herself “eternal rest”— making our years with her as miserable as she was. 

It was clear that she was not pleased with the way things have unfolded for her.  Her life held no mystery, pleasure, or joy.  Life only held pain and discomfort for her.  Memories of the past didn’t help, because even the past added to her discontentment…

No, she was not happy with her lot in life…

Toward the end, she was in and out of the hospital — internal bleeding coming from some unknown source.

After this last visit, she was discharged to rest comfortable in her own bed. 

I went by my 86-year-old mother’s the following morning, to see if she needed anything from me and to make sure she was emotionally OK. 

Mom seemed relieved that her aunt had finally gotten her wish.  She was taking everything is stride, making funeral arrangements and such.  She appreciated my help, but she had everything under control.

That evening, I took a leisurely walk around my neighborhood.  It was the first cool night of the Florida fall season.  The sun was just setting, and a light breeze was blowing through the trees. 

It was just too precious to waste, so I put on my sneakers and headed off into the sunset.

Someone was grilling steaks outside; kids were riding their bikes and scooters; couples were walking hand-in-hand down the street; a group was playing touch football; and families were walking their dogs.

I passed one house where a couple was still working on their flowerbed.  At another home, an elderly gentleman was enjoying his cigar on the porch.  There were no cell phones or iPods to be seen or heard.

No, everyone was just enjoying the sunset, the breeze, and the beginning of a new season…

The evening’s walk reminded me to enjoy every moment — no matter how ordinary the moment seems — because, sooner or later, the simple pleasures of life will be taken from us…

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The Lady in Red

Something very interesting played out at work this week.

I was walking into the kitchen and noticed a co-worker wearing a bright red blouse, black pants, and red shoes.

I commented on her outfit, “I like your red top and shoes. This must be “red” week or something. I noticed that Julie came all in red on Monday, and then she wore red pants the next day. And today, you’re wearing a red top with red shoes.” 

 Alice smiled and shrugged.  “Well, I guess it’s just a power day.”

I said, “Well, I think because red is such a powerful color, that subconsciously you were predisposed to red, because Julie came in on Monday — as the Lady in Red — and then, she came in the next day with red pants.  That red color stuck with you, and today, while looking in your closet, you subconsciously gravitated toward the red.”

Alice politely shrugged me off and went on her way.

I knew she didn’t believe me.  I knew she thought I was a little nuts with such a theory, so I followed her into the opened area of the Word Processing room.  I waited for her to sit down at her desk, before I approached her. 

I didn’t say a word.  I just walked up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder to get her attention.  Then I pointed to all the people, in that immediate area, who were wearing some shade of red.

All these people happen to be sitting in the same area as Julie, who was our Lady in Red on Monday.  Julie, of course, had not a stitch of red on her today.

Alice’s eyes registered recognition of what she was seeing.  She started to laugh out loud.

She exclaimed, “Oh my goodness!  I never even noticed!  Look at that!” 

As she explained what was going on to the rest of the group, I walked out, silently.

***

It’s very interesting to me that people have a hard time believing that their actions affect others. 

Everything on this planet is connected in some way.  Every action — every “thing” — has significance to someone—whether we “see” it or not… whether we acknowledge it or not.  Even if we don’t see the connection or significance, it doesn’t mean that the connection doesn't exit. 

I wish more people saw this power within themselves.  I wish more people would recognize how the power of their presence affects others — either in a positive or negative way. 

Since we have the power within us to choose whether to affect others in a positive or negative way, why not make a conscious effort to affect others in a positive way? 

By choosing a positive course of action, we can dispel the darkness in others, while recharging ourselves in the process.

If we truly understood this power within us, we would use it more.  We would take the time to develop it.  We would give it the attention it needs to affect, effect, and infuse others. 

If we only knew the power held in the gifts of focused attention and positive connections, we could use that power to abolish a host of negative and draining emotions and insecurities that live within ourselves and others. 

Even if this is just one of my crazy theories, it’s one worth trying out…

Don’t you think?

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Primary Relationships

In my last post, I mentioned the term “primary relationship” and I’m afraid that I might have confused some people with that term.

All of us juggle a number of relationships in our daily lives:  family, friends, intimate partners, business partners, associates, casual acquaintances, etc.   Each relationship takes our time, energy, and attention.

Although there isn’t a single universally accepted definition, the term “primary relationship” denotes a high level of involvement you have with another.  Simply put:  Where your attention is, your heart will also be.

This high level of involvement could be an intense, emotional attachment and connection to another person… or it could be formed by financial and living arrangements… or it can be sustained by the sharing of child-rearing responsibilities.

This “high level of involvement” doesn’t necessarily have to involve other people nor does this “involvement” have to be a healthy one.  Various addictions fall into this category — where the only thing that matters to the person is the next fix.  Narcissistic personalities can have a primary relationship with themselves above all others.  [And to clarify:  These are NOT the types of healthy primary relationships I was referring to in the last post.]

For now, let’s focus on couples in primary relationships… 

This high level of involvement between you and your partner places that partner on “top of your relationship list.”  This primary relationship is the relationship that takes precedence over all others.  When that person needs something, you put everyone else “on hold” and take care of that person’s need. 

Now, this works great if both partners are primary partners for each other.  Each knows that the other will be there for the other… above all others.  Their expectations are met by the other.

The problem comes in when we believe we’re in a primary relationship with another, but that other person doesn’t give us that primary status.  We’re not on the top of the relationship list, but mixed somewhere in the middle or bottom.  Because of this, our expectations are not being met.

Let me give you some examples:

Scene 1:

Two people start to date.  After several months, both pledge their love to the other.  For the woman, she begins to build her expectations for the relationship.  She expects to be placed on the top of his relationship list — above his mother, father, sisters, male friends, sports events, computer games, etc. 

For the man, he sees himself picking up a new and developing relationship that he fits into his already full schedule.  This new relationship is not treated as a primary relationship, but as one of many that he deals with throughout his day. 

As the relationship evolves, the woman presses for more of his attention, and the more she presses the more he pulls away.  Her persistent requests for his time and attention are viewed as nagging, clinging, and needy.  Stress and frustrations develop between the two because expectations aren’t being met. 

Scene 2:

Another man and woman are primary partners for each other.  A newborn enters the picture.  During the baby’s early months/years, the mother’s attention shifts from her partner to their baby.  After taking care of the baby all day and night, the mother has no energy to give to her partner.  Her partner begins to feel unseen and rejected.  His needs are not being met as they once were.

Scene 3:

The husband works long hours, takes calls in the middle of the night, and is off on long business trips.  His primary relationship has shifted to his company and his successful career — and away from his wife.  As for the wife, she still needs to be in a primary relationship… if not with her husband, then with someone else.

The expectations built into a primary relationship play a key role in each of these scenarios.  As each partner fulfills the other’s needs, things run smoothly — but once expectations become unfulfilled, frustration begins to seep into the cracks of the relationship.  If left unattended, other feelings may move in as well… feelings like hurt, blame, anger, rejection, jealousy, distrust, betrayal, etc. 

Anyway…that’s what I meant by primary relationships.  Simply put:  Where your attention is, your heart will also be.

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There’s No Place Like Home

I’m not sure what’s going on but I find myself surrounded by a number of friends and acquaintances who are transitioning from one phase of their lives to another.  These shifts involve moving physically from one place to another. 

Several young people I know are trying to escape from their parents’ homes.  One was eager to move in with her boyfriend… only to find that the boyfriend was living in his grandmother’s basement.  Another moved in with three roommates… only to find that the roommates were not able to pay their portion of the rent, and they were evicted. 

One friend is returning to the Bay Area, to be with her daughter and grandchildren.  For the past couple of years, she’s been traveling back and forth between where she lives and where her daughter and grandchildren live.  The drive is becoming too much for her, so she’s decided to move back here and, hopefully, find a job near her daughter.

Another acquaintance has relocated to another state, due to her husband’s job.  They can’t afford to buy a “real home,” until they are able to unload their other house.  Because of this, they can’t move on with their family plans. They are living in their personal Purgatory — living in a small apartment in a dangerous neighborhood — waiting to resume their lives again.  As it is now, they feel that they have no home, even though they are surrounded by their personal possessions.

Another friend of mine has been separated from her husband for a number of years.  They continue to support a household and raise their boys together.  Although her possessions are in the house with the boys and their father, she doesn’t consider that place to be her home.  Her heart has found a home with a different partner, and it’s his place that she calls home, even though she doesn’t own anything there.

I have another friend who is constantly redecorating her house… never happy with how it looks or feels. There’s always some massive project going on, and the house is in constant turmoil and upheaval.

These examples reinforce my belief that the building in which you reside does not define your “home.” Home is more than your residence.  Home is where your heart lives… where you're loved… where you go for peace and security.  It’s not a physical place but an emotional and mental place of refuge and strength.

Some find their home — their stabilizing force — to be within a healthy primary relationship with another.  Others find their life source within their inner “self” — anchored by their core principles and supported by spiritual beliefs. 

Whoever or whatever supplies you with that positive source of well-being and security, keep it close to you… respect it… and protect it, because…

There’s no place like home.

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Team Spirit

I just received an agitated call from a friend.  She was upset because she was just told by her boss that she was not a team player. 

She had a departmental meeting earlier today.  During the meeting, she made the mistake of bringing up her frustrations regarding inefficiencies in the way they did things.  She outlined several processes that were adding costs to their production without adding any value to their customers.  She asked why couldn’t they eliminate those activities and save the company money.  Their limited resources and employees could be directed toward products that were generating income for the company.

Her manager was greatly moved by such suggestions — moved to the point of being insulted and angry with her.  He felt that she was threatening him and giving him ultimatums…

That’s when he said that he was very disappointed in the fact that she was not a team player.

She tried to explain that if he could show sales figures or analysis or customer surveys that supported the current process, she wouldn’t be so frustrated with being asked to support the process.

He had neither the need nor time to find out which products are making a profit for their division and which are not.  Even if she was right about the ineffective and inefficient processes, it didn’t matter.  It didn’t matter if their division loses money.  As long as the company (as a whole) makes money, he’ll get his increases. 

She was told not to concern herself with such things.  Just do what she is told — no questions asked.   

And start being a team player or find another place of employment.

The ironic part of this story is that it’s the manager, and not my friend, who lacks the team spirit.

The saddest part of this story is that this “management style” permeates through corporate America like freshly popped popcorn.  Intelligent, competent employees are not seen as valued assets — but replaceable, bothersome pieces. 

A word to the wise:  We all have the desire to be seen, to be heard, and to be appreciated — but, rarely, do we get these needs fulfilled on the job site.  Make sure you develop a support group outside the workplace to fill these needs for you.

The workplace is simply that — the workplace.  It’s not your home.

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Why Don’t You Come Over More Often?

I just came back from an acquaintance’s house.  Her sister was visiting from out of town, and she invited me over… adding that I don’t come to visit often enough.  

What’s “interesting” about this visit was… every time I started to talk, one of the sisters would interrupt me, turn to the other and say, “That reminds me about the time when we….”

And the two would continue their conversation, forgetting about me and my unfinished story.

This didn’t happen once, twice, or three times.  It happened throughout the visit with them.  I never could finish one story with them.

• They’d ask me a question, I’d start to answer, which jogged their memory about something else, and they’d go off chatting about that “something else.”
• They’d ask me a question, and just as I begin to answer, they’d ask the other what else she wanted to eat.
• They’d ask me a question, I’d start to answer, and they’d get up and walk off into another room, because they were tired of sitting at the table. 

How did the afternoon end?  Well… they asked me a question, and just as I started to answer, the phone rang and both of them got on the phone to talk to the caller.

It was then that I got up, waved my goodbyes, and headed out the door.

I wonder... why don’t I go over there more often?

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